Trini Window Seat

It's my 15 year anniversary on Tumblr 🥳

Some day I'll stop at that snowcone place I drive past every afternoon on my way home from work and buy myself a treat and sit on one of the benches there and eat the whole thing before heading home.

I park at the lake in my neighborhood after my commute from work most days now just to sit and stare at the water, or to sit and listen to a bit more of my audiobook or to just sit in silence as I scroll. Late spring/early summer is my second favorite time of year and sitting here is doing something magical for me (I'm gonna need less people to keep their car running or loud music with bass thumping from their open car windows while parked next to me though).

I have quite a few girls trips planned with different friend groups already and it feels lovely and a little overwhelming trying to keep track. It's only May but I've booked three Airbnbs in the last month and will be on a beach or in the woods every month until September.

I sometimes find myself full of some feelings, some ways of being, some realities that need to be articulated to no one in particular and I am fully aware that, for some realities, sometimes no words will ever suffice.

My life changed in some drastic ways last May and by early June I decided I needed to escape to an Airbnb with a water view for the weekend just to feel like a human being again. So I did and it was an amazing couple of days. I slept, I ate takeout, had a few edibles and watched the sunset from the balcony of an Airbnb on the water.

I'm starting to feel like there is a mask that I put on when I'm at work and in some small ways I'm beginning to not take it off when I get home. My younger sister accused me of being disingenuous last week and at the time I wildly disagreed and felt extremely offended because for the first time in our relationship I felt like I was able to be more of myself with her. Not a mother figure, not someone who has it all together but somebody who is intensely struggling with a few life things right now. Her saying that made me feel like the real, chaotic me couldn't possibly be the real me and now I am not inclined to share much of myself with her or anyone else apart from my husband. The interesting thing is I know that that perspective of hers probably comes from a particular perception of herself and possibly has a lot less to do with me than she realizes, but it stuck with me and it hurt more than I thought.

And now I'm wondering whether I really am disingenuous in most of my interactions with people, and not just at work. I have moments of feeling like I'm not the best friend or family member (though some of that is probably coming from trying to be less of a people pleaser/ mediator/fix everyone's life around me and the discomfort of trying to put myself first).