And never give up whether anybody cares or not

I had a meeting today with someone from IT Risk. It made me 😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫.

It feels a bit egotistical to me bc it’s going to be a memoir, about education giving me the knowledge to begin deconstructing my own racism and bias, but from the angle of growing up in a white working class community. If I’m honest, I think I’m writing it for my family so they might have a path into understanding me. But ultimately I think it’s going to be cathartic for me either way.

I also will simply never understand the poor white man that supports Trump. Like my uncle was a steel worker, and a union member. His sons are more interested in their guns than anything else and I just don’t understand.

I didn’t read the article (yet?). I want to think I will, but the reality is, 🤷🏻‍♀️

I heard this thing recently, a way of interacting with the work you do. High intention, low attachment (my therapist wrote it down, b/c it's that good :D). Basically, you do your thing with intention, like give it what energy you can give it, b/c the act of doing the thing is where your control is, but don't get attached to the outcome of the thing. This term made a lot of sense when I heard it b/c when I started working at the new job the executives drove me bonkers (for making everything more difficult), but it was because I was staying attached to the outcome of my work, not the work itself.

I went into my working out with this same mindset. I was going to give it my best effort while I was there, but I was not going to pay attention to a scale. I've learned to pay attention to the small outcomes that make my day-to-day life easier, like being stronger and able to paddle board longer.

This morning I was like "yah know what, I'm going to be intentional about brain dumping and getting a prioritized task list together." I used AI, I know, I know. But it is kind of amazing when you have a brain that runs at light speed but the processing speed of a snail. I had a really effective day, b/c I wasn't burning my energy trying to catch the tasks out of thin air when they hit me while I was doing other shit. So it's only one day, but I was shocked at how easy it was to just DO when my brain wasn't playing catch with the random association game.

But I feel like I screwed up at work. Like I was productive, but I realized I misunderstood something, and it feels like it caused a ripple effect of chaos, but I don't think it actually did. I think us moving a new process into testing too soon caused the problem, which was also kind of my decision, well I mean my boss backed it, but I have been having a minor spin out since I ended work (make it make sense please).

I was just in the bathroom peeing and I said out loud "holy shit, it's because my effort is making me feel seen and I don't like it." Mother fucker.

Anyway, old wounds and all that jazz. When you start to peel the onion and see the layers underneath the patterns, it's so clear. Now to practice not spinning out...