𐌽𐍈

i’ve put in so much effort,

but i’m still suffering,

and i am

But now it's night, and I'm alone, and I can't stop thinking about how my life has been a perpetual state of prolonged crisis, I've never really been safe, and I'm still here fighting and running from every single thing that's ever tried to hold me down in a frantic effort to just keep surviving. It's literally all I know

And, fuck. I never wanted my life to seem that dark.

I definitely know how you feel. In several past romantic encounters I've felt like I was too complex and crazy for the people I had feelings for, and sometimes I was, which is alright. Not everyone is mentally equipped to love someone with bpd. It can take patience and understanding.

More importantly, it's okay to be a complicated person. It's okay to have bpd. Not everyone will understand, and some of those people won't be willing to try. That isn't because you suck or because you aren't good enough, because those things aren't true! Having a mental illness isn't something that you can control, and it's hard to manage, especially when you don't have professional help. That can have an impact on relationships, even more so if the mental illness is bpd. It's hard for us to process and comprehend feelings of insecurity and paranoia, and that can cause internal and external damage.

While those feelings are valid, they are usually irrational, which can be hard for you to identify, analyze, and unpack. The solution to this is to communicate. Your partner should know how you're feeling so they can try to help you work through those emotions, specifically when they're worries about your bond with them. For example, last week was my six month anniversary with my girlfriend, and I wrote her an essay about how much she means to me, and then read it to her aloud. It made me feel particularly vulnerable, and then through the rest of the day, she seemed more quiet and distracted than usual. It bothered me and had me anxious for several hours before I very calmly asked if she was out of it because of something I said, and she said that it wasn't, she was just h1gh (lol)

Your significant other is there to support you emotionally and to make sure you're okay. It's alright to ask for comfort when you're feeling bad, whether it be a discussion, an agreement, a listening ear, a shoulder to cry on, a date night, or just some snuggles. Not only is it fine to ask for, but you deserve that solace and care.

To answer the question "what does a bpd relationship look like" would be pointless, because they don't all look the same. They have similar patterns of behavior, but the other party is a variable that has a large effect on the dynamic of the relationship. What a healthy bpd relationship looks like, though, is open honesty, trust, care, understanding, communication, patience, clear boundaries, and thoughtfulness.

I would offer more sage relationship advice but this is very long as is and has taken awhile to write. However, i have the privilege of having been in therapy for a long time, and I recently became much more enlightened about mental health and relationships. If you ever have any other questions I gotchu 🤙🤙

It's not a stupid question ! I used to wonder about it myself, honestly. People with BPD do still have personalities, it just isn't easy for them to identify, and sometimes it's hard for others to identify due to splitting. It can feel like personality traits are just symptoms, but that could also be because those symptoms aren't being tended to well enough. I live with my parents because I'm legally incompetent and can't sustain myself, and recently we were looking at moving rather far away. My instant reaction was a result of my symptoms, which was to be afraid of change and panic about it. But when I worked through that anxiety I got really excited about the possibility and remembered how much I always used to love adventure and new experiences before the disorder. That's a part of my personality that was always there, it was just dormant and hidden by my symptoms.

Definitely a panic attack, mine have been like that before. I tried to answer this ask awhile ago but Tumblr mobile didn't let it post and then I was overwhelmed because I had written so much.

Basically, what i think summarizes panic attacks pretty well is that it's being in a state where you're so freaked out by something that you lose touch with reality and your brain stops reacting like it should. For me personally the biggest thing when I'm having a panic attack is that I'm stuck in my head and I can't get out, and that's a scary place to be. I generally feel unsafe and like i can't make myself safe again. I lose all rational thought patterns and can only act on instinct or not at all.

It is ! What I do is i try really hard to find something that'll let me get my aggression out without harming myself or anyone else, or being domestically violent. A few simple examples could be punching a pillow, scribbling really hard on paper, tearing up paper, bubble wrap, burning things, or hitting a piece of furniture with an empty bottle :D