kissfromkismet

The need for safety implies that adults create a space for the child in which they can grow and develop without fearing for their lives. This applies not only to physical space but also to psychological and emotional space. Often parents reject the child or make unreasonable demands on them, and then, when the person grows up, they may constantly experience what is called "background anxiety"—the feeling that everything seems to be fine but "what if something goes wrong?" It is precisely from such children that adults grow up who sincerely believe . . . that if everything is good, then something bad will happen soon, and almost constantly live in anticipation of a catastrophe.

Finally, when shame has been completely internalized, nothing about you is okay. You feel flawed and inferior; you have the sense of being a failure. There is no way you can share your inner self because you are an object of contempt to yourself. When you are contemptible to yourself, you are no longer in you. To feel shame is to feel seen in an exposed and diminished way. When you're an object to yourself, you turn your eyes inward, watching and scrutinizing every minute detail of behavior. This internal critical observation is excruciating. It generates a tormenting self-consciousness which Kaufman describes as, "creating a binding and paralyzing effect upon the self." This paralyzing internal monitoring causes withdrawal, passivity and inaction.