I Love You

I’ve not written in almost two weeks, I apologize. Classes started again and I’ve no energy to do anything. Thinking about dropping out of uni (for the 80th time), but I cannot or else my parent’s money goes down the drain. Also, dropping out of uni means being labeled as “lazy” and I won’t find a good job. I hate that word, lazy. If you don’t do a paper or don’t show up to class you are labeled as “lazy.” If you don’t want to do dishes or simple chores, you are “lazy.” I wish people could understand how depression makes almost everything seem like such a hard task. It’s not that I don’t want to, it’s because I simply cannot. As much as I would want to do whatever it is I am supposed to do, I really cannot. I’ve not showered in two days and though I feel filthy, I just don’t have any motivation to shower. I cannot give you a scientific explanation for why this is, but it just is and I wish people would understand that more. Being called “lazy” is an insult to me! I am not lazy! A lazy person can do it but just prefers to not do it, I really can’t do it no matter how hard I try. I just want to lie down here and stare out the window. I’m tired of everything and everyone. I spend my hours staring at the celling and out the window and sleeping to just forget everything, but then reality knocks on my door and reminds me of every painful thing in life. I’ve been very oblivious and just wish I was a person with a happy life; I know no one on this earth is truly happy (except maybe Warren Buffet), but a life without trouble is a happy life to me. Writing this has made me tired, so I’m off to take my second nap of the day.

Love You,

New Year’s Eve. Wow. This year has been pretty shitty, but at least it went by fast. I have no idea what 2021 will bring, but I’m pretty sure it’ll only be worse than what 2020 gave us. I know, I know, “have faith.” You make everything better, I love you. I’m imagining us on the roof watching the fireworks together. Since we physically can’t be together right now, I know you’re watching the fireworks from the window in your room. My only resolution for the new year is to not do anything stupid that’ll cause us to break up. I love you so much.

Happy New Year,

I am mad. Remember how I told you my family is the main cause for my insecurities and unhappiness? Yeah, well, today the universe decided to give me my weekly reminder! My mother, who hates me merely for existing, told me it was rude to tell my sister to shut up. I only her to shut up because she was on the phone with her friends yelling (who knows why) while I was trying to watch The Social Network. She was annoying me! Was I wrong to tell her to be quiet! Sure I could have been nicer, but I don’t think I told her to be quiet in a rude way. Anyways, this so hypocritical of my mother! For YEARS my older brother has been physically and verbally HARASSSING ME and my mother just allows it; she’s never told him to stop, but the second I tell my sister to be quiet I’m rude? I hate this because after this wave of jealousy takes over my body and I act like a complete and total bitch to my siblings, even if they deserve it. Now I find myself crying over this. I wish you could come over and hug me while I’m crying. Simply looking at you makes everything better; it’s like the universe just pauses everything feels right, everything is balanced and all is right in the world. I can’t believe I have the ability to love someone this much. I love you. Thanks for listening to my rant.

Love You Forever,

It’s raining!! I love the rain! The only thing that sucks is that it is currently 11:20 pm and I’d be crazy to go outside right now. Actually, I wouldn’t be crazy; rain was meant to be enjoyed! I love hearing the rain pour while I’m listening to the songs we’d make out to. The clouds are hiding the moon :( Although I can barely see her, I know she is shining beautifully on this rainy night. Today was such a boring day; I did absolutely nothing besides eat, shit, and shower. I miss you and can’t wait to hug you, kiss you, sleep with you, laugh with you, and everything else with you! I miss you.

Love You Forever,