"I'm proud of you" -Not John

AH the racist truck episode. This one is wild. Plus there's the whole Dean/Cassie thing. It's like the show runners desperately wanted us to ship Dean with Cas when he showed up.

SAM: Look, it's terrible about her dad, but it kinda sounds like a standard car accident. I'm not seeing how it fits with what we do. Which by the way, how does she know what we do?

DEAN looks shifty.

SAM: You told her. You told her, the secret! Our big family rule number one. We do what we do and we shut up about it. For a year and a half I do nothing but lie to Jessica, and you go out with this chick in Ohio a coupla times and you tell her everything?

Now this is what I like to call an attachment disorder. I don't know if it's officially one but basically I'm pretty sure because John didn't give Dean love and affection the second someone did give him love and affection he was like cool cool cool cool so you're going to be in my life forever and I'm going to love you forever and here's how everything you need to know about me.

This episode is fairly light on John Winchester content but what it does contain is damning.

VOICEMAIL: This is John Winchester. I can't be reached. If this is an emergency, call my son, Dean. 866-907-3235. He can help.

SAM: (Fighting tears) Hey, Dad. It's Sam. Uh...you probably won't even get this, but, uh...it's Dean. He's sick, and uh...the doctors say there's nothing they can do. Um...but, uh, they don't know the things we know, right? So, don't worry, cause I'm uh...gonna do whatever it takes to get him better. Alright...just wanted you to know.

(CUT TO: A payphone in California. The scene alternates between the payphone and the motel bedroom.)

JOHN: Sam, is that you? (SAM sits up in bed.)

SAM: Dad? Are you hurt?

JOHN: I’m fine.

SAM: We’ve been looking for you everywhere. We didn’t know where you were, if you were okay.

JOHN: Sammy, I’m all right. What about you and Dean? (At the motel, DEAN is waking up.)

SAM: We’re fine. Dad, where are you? (DEAN sits up in bed.)

JOHN: Sorry, kiddo, I can’t tell you that.

So I get that John already has some suspicion that the demon might have something to do with Sam probably. But seriously if you're not going to tell your kids where you are if you're not going to give them any actual information why even bother contacting them except to ensure that they are still following your orders. He goes on that Sam and Dean have to stop looking for him but he's the one who started this stupid scavenger hunt to begin with.

(DEAN grabs the phone from SAM.)

DEAN: Dad, it’s me. Where are you? (…) Yes, sir. (…) Uh, yeah, I got a pen. What are their names?

It's interesting that we don't get to hear what John says to Dean considering that we did get to hear what he said to Sam. But it's worth noting that Dean goes from incredibly hopeful to completely blank faced in seconds. If that's not a conditioned response I don't know what is.

SAM: So, Dad is sending us to Indiana to go hunting for something before another couple vanishes?

DEAN: Yahtzee. Can you imagine putting together a pattern like this? All the different obits Dad had to go through? The man’s a master. (SAM looks annoyed, pulls over to the side of the road and turns off the car.) What are you doing?

SAM: We’re not going to Indiana.

DEAN: We’re not?

SAM: No. We’re going to California. Dad called from a payphone. Sacramento area code.

DEAN: Sam.

SAM: Dean, if this demon killed Mom and Jess, and Dad’s closing in, we’ve gotta be there. We’ve gotta help.

DEAN: Dad doesn’t want our help.

SAM: I don’t care.

DEAN: He’s given us an order.

SAM: (firmly) I don’t care. We don’t always have to do what he says.

DEAN: Sam, Dad is asking us to work jobs, to save lives, it’s important.

SAM: Alright, I understand, believe me, I understand. But I’m talking one week here, man, to get answers. To get revenge.

DEAN: Alright, look, I know how you feel.

SAM: Do you? (DEAN seems shocked at SAM’s tone.) How old were you when Mom died? Four? Jess died six months ago. How the hell would you know how I feel?

DEAN: Dad said it wasn’t safe. For any of us. I mean, he obviously knows something that we don’t, so if he says to stay away, we stay away.

SAM: I don’t understand the blind faith you have in the man. I mean, it’s like you don’t even question him.

DEAN: Yeah, it’s called being a good son!

Once again Sam was able to get away from his father for some time and allowed him to break the cycle of abuse once meaning he's more likely to be able to break it again. Dean has not yet escaped the cycle. He's still his dad's good little soldier. This fight ends with Sam refusing to continue and Dean driving off leaving him on the side of the road.

DEAN: Sam. You were right. You gotta do your own thing. You gotta live your own life.

SAM: Are you serious?

DEAN: You’ve always known what you want. And you go after it. You stand up to Dad. And you always have. Hell, I wish I—anyway….I admire that about you. I’m proud of you, Sammy.

SAM: (on phone) No, Dad was in California last we heard from him. We just thought...he comes to you for 'munitions....maybe you've seen him in the last few weeks. Just, call us if you hear anything.

VOICE ON PHONE: ’kay.

SAM: Thanks.

VOICE: You bet.

DEAN: Caleb hasn't heard from him?

SAM: Nope. And neither has Jefferson or Pastor Jim. What about the journal? Anything leads in there?

DEAN: No, same as last time I looked. Nothing I can make out.... I love the guy, but I swear, he writes like friggin' Yoda.

SAM: You know, maybe we should call the Feds. File a missing person’s.

DEAN: We've talked about this. Dad'd be pissed if we put the Feds on his tail.

SAM: I don't care anymore.

Cellphone rings. DEAN crosses the room.

SAM: After all that happened back in Kansas, I mean...he should've been there, Dean. You said so yourself. You tried to call him and...nothing.

DEAN: I know! (He rummages through his duffel) Where the hell is my cellphone?

SAM: You know, he could be dead for all we know.

DEAN: Don't say that! He's not dead! He's – he's...

SAM: He's what? He's hiding? He's busy?

Dean got a text message with coordinates in it. This insane scavenger hunt he has them on is essentially pointless and honestly I understand why Sam is done and just willing to piss off their father because you know what he'll probably come and yell at them if they send the feds after him and then they'll at least know where he is. He's doing a good job of twisting his father's abusive tendencies around on himself.

 SAM: This doesn't strike you as weird? The texting? The coordinates?

DEAN: Sam! Dad's tellin' us to go somewhere, we're goin'.

SAM makes a face and sighs.

As the possibility of actually having to face his father comes closer Sam becomes apprehensive once again he was willing to look for John before but now that it might actually happen that he might actually be reunited with his father he is having second thoughts

SAM: Dean. (DEAN looks at him) When are we going to talk about it?

DEAN: Talk about what?

SAM: About the fact Dad's not here.

DEAN: Oh. I see. How ’bout...never.

SAM: I'm being serious, man. He sent us here...

DEAN: So am I, Sam. Look, he sent us here, he obviously wants us here. We'll pick up the search later.

SAM: It doesn't matter what he wants.

DEAN: See. That attitude? Right there? That is why I always get the extra cookie.

SAM: Dad could be in trouble, we should be looking for him. We deserve some answers, Dean. I mean, this is our family we're talking about.

DEAN: I understand that, Sam, but he's given us an order.

SAM: So what, we gotta always follow Dad's orders?

DEAN: Of course we do.

It's been a while since I watched season 1 and honestly I forgot just how deeply ingrained Dean still was as daddy's good little soldier.

KAT: So. How do you guys know about all this ghost stuff?

SAM: It's kinda our job.

KAT: Why would anyone want a job like that?

SAM: (huffs a laugh) I had a crappy guidance counselor.

This doesn't directly point to any abuse but it's just a reflection on how Sam views his life which is pretty sad.

DEAN: We gotta burn Ellicott's bones and all this will be over, and you'll be back to normal.

SAM: I am normal. I'm just telling the truth for the first time. I mean, why are we even here? ’Cause you're following Dad's orders like a good little solider? Because you always do what he says without question? Are you that desperate for his approval?

DEAN: This isn't you talking, Sam.

SAM: That's the difference between you and me. I have a mind of my own. I'm not pathetic, like you.

DEAN: So what are you gunna do, huh? Are you gunna kill me?

SAM: You know what, I am sick of doing what you tell me to do. We're no closer to finding Dad today than we were six months ago.

DEAN: Well, then here. Let me make it easier for you. (He holds his Smith & Wesson toward SAM.) Come on. Take it. Real bullets are gonna work a hell of a lot better than rock salt. (SAM hesitates) Take it!!

SAM points the gun at DEAN's face.

DEAN: You hate me that much? You think you could kill your own brother? Then go ahead. Pull the trigger. Do it!

SAM pulls the trigger. The chamber is empty. He tries again, and once more. DEAN uses a right cross to knock SAM to the ground and struggles to get up.

This one talks a lot about their childhood because it takes place in their home where Mary died. Which, side note, it is truly fascinating is still standing. I mean it had an extensive fire and even if that didn't destroy the whole house I'm really surprised that John Winchester never went back to burn the thing down.

DEAN: All right, just slow down, would ya? [He stands up and begins pacing.] I mean, first you tell me that you’ve got the Shining? And then you tell me that I’ve gotta go back home? Especially when….

SAM: When what?

DEAN: [sadly] When I swore to myself that I would never go back there?

SAM: [softly] Look, Dean, we have to check this out. Just to make sure.

DEAN: I know we do.

This is not evidence of John abusing his children directly, just evidence that Dean has not gotten the help he needs to process the truly astonishing amount of trauma his childhood had starting from the day his mother died. It also shows that Dean's main way of dealing with trauma is just to push it down and refuse to revisit it.

SAM: Yeah, but how much do we know? I mean, how much do you actually remember?

DEAN: About that night, you mean?

SAM: Yeah.

DEAN: Not much. I remember the fire…the heat. [He pauses for a moment.] And then I carried you out the front door.

SAM: You did?

DEAN: Yeah, what, you never knew that?

SAM: [shaking his head.] No.

DEAN: And, well, you know Dad’s story as well as I do. Mom was….was on the ceiling. And whatever put her there was long gone by the time Dad found her.

SAM: And he never had a theory about what did it?

DEAN: If he did, he kept it to himself. God knows we asked him enough times.

I really really feel for Dean because at least Sam doesn't have to have memories of that night. But this also cements that John doesn't talk about things that he should talk about with his children. He decided to raise them to be monster hunters (which is a bad choice to begin with) but then he also makes the additional bad choice to not tell them about any theories he might have regarding what killed their mother. 

DEAN: Dad? I know I’ve left you messages before. I don’t even know if you’ll get ‘em. [He clears his throat.] But I’m with Sam. And we’re in Lawrence. And there’s somethin’ in our old house. I don’t know if it’s the thing that killed Mom or not, but….[His voice breaks. He pauses, barely keeping himself together.]…I don’t know what to do. [He begins to cry.] So, whatever you’re doin’, if you could get here. Please. I need your help, Dad. [He hangs up sadly, with tears in his eyes.]

Is it ever established exactly why John Winchester decided to stop talking to Dean? Cuz I don't remember it ever being established. And it's very clear that Dean needs him (Even though it's actually better for Dean to be away from his father and the abuse he suffers when he's with his father) Dana's literally begging for help and says that he has begged for help in the past and his father won't respond. 

DEAN: So you and John Winchester, you used to own this garage together?

OWNER: Yeah, we used to, a long time ago. Matter of fact, it must be, uh…twenty years since John disappeared. So why the cops interested all of a sudden?

DEAN: Oh, we’re re-opening some of our unsolved cases, and the Winchester disappearance is one of ‘em.

OWNER: Oh, well, what do you wanna know about John?

DEAN: Well, whatever you remember, you know, whatever sticks out in your mind.

OWNER: Well…he was a stubborn bastard, I remember that. [He laughs.] And, uh, whatever the game, he hated to lose, you know? It’s that whole Marine thing. [DEAN and SAM nod.] But, oh, he sure loved Mary. And he doted on those kids.

SAM: But that was before the fire?

OWNER: That’s right.

This establishes that John has always been stubborn and somewhat difficult to deal with but that doesn't necessarily mean he was abusive before the fire however can we talk about the Winchester disappearance. He just disappeared with those boys! Whether or not he was planning to abuse his kids at that point he made it literally impossible for CPS to find them. 

MISSOURI: That boy…he has such powerful abilities. But why he couldn’t sense his own father, I have no idea. [The camera pans over to her couch, where JOHN WINCHESTER is sitting.]

JOHN: Mary’s spirit –- do you really think she saved the boys?

MISSOURI: I do. [JOHN nods sadly and twists his wedding ring on his finger.] John Winchester, I could just slap you. Why won’t you go talk to your children?

JOHN: [tearfully] I want to. You have no idea how much I wanna see ‘em. But I can’t. Not yet. Not until I know the truth. [They share a look. The screen fades to black.]

I have been dreading this episode. I hate it! It makes me so itchy! But the quest to catalog all of John Winchester's abuse is more important than my itchiness. Especially because this episode is full of evidence.

SAM: Yeah, but hustling pool? Credit card scams? It's not the most honest thing in the world, Dean.

DEAN: Well, let's see honest. (He holds out one hand.) Fun and easy. (He holds out the other, and gestures that "fun and easy" outweighs "honest".) It's no contest. Besides, we're good at it. It's what we were raised to do.

SAM: Yeah, well, how we were raised was jacked.

DEAN: Yeah, says you. We got a new gig or what?

So this doesn't directly mention abuse just that they were raised to not do honest work which is sketchy but not clearly abuse. What I'm actually focusing on here is the fact that Sam is trying to gently show Dean that their father was a bad father and a bad person because he knows if he just says it outright Dean will instinctually reject that concept.

SAM: Remind you of somebody? (DEAN looks over at LARRY, who is yelling at MATT. He looks back at SAM, confused.) Dad?

DEAN: Dad never treated us like that.

SAM: Well, Dad never treated you like that. You were perfect. He was all over my case. You don't remember?

DEAN: Well, maybe he had to raise his voice, but sometimes, you were out of line.

SAM: (scoffs) Right. Right, like when I said I'd rather play soccer than learn bowhunting.

DEAN: Bowhunting's an important skill.

SAM: (rolling his eyes) Whatever. How was your tour?

I find this exchange interesting because as the show goes on we see that Dean definitely took the brunt of John's abuse. However I don't think that this scene contradicts that fact. I think it's more that at this point Sam has realized that being screamed at for wanting to do basic childhood things and being punished for not always falling in line is abuse, whereas Dean who tried his best to fall in line has not yet recognized that he was abused. Or is not yet ready to admit out loud that he knows he was abused.

SAM: So, if you knew about all this bug stuff, why not tell your dad? Maybe he could clear everybody out.

MATT: Believe me, I've tried. But, uh, Larry doesn't listen to me.

SAM: Why not?

MATT: Mostly? He's too disappointed in his freak son.

SAM: (scoffs) I hear you.

DEAN: You do?

SAM turns and gives him a look.

SAM: Matt, how old are you?

MATT: Sixteen.

SAM: Well, don't sweat it, because in two years, something great's gonna happen.

MATT: What?

SAM: College. You'll be able to get out of that house and away from your dad.

DEAN: What kind of advice is that? Kid should stick with his family.

SAM sighs and glares at him.

Once again we see more evidence of Sam's neglect/abuse. Dean is not emotionally ready to admit what their father did to him or to Sam and Sam is frustrated by that because he is ready. Shortly after this there is a continuation of this discussion where Dean says that their father wasn't actually disappointed Sam got a full ride to college but that he was scared about what would happen if he wasn't around and that he used to drive up to Stanford to check in on Sam even if he never actually spoke to him. That on its own is not abusive that could be a genuinely good parental thing to do, however when you combine it with everything else we know about John you know that it is all about control. He's scared that Sam will realize that he doesn't have to obey him unquestioningly. He's scared that Sam will form a life away from him. John Winchester is and always was obsessed with controlling his children and having them view him as the ultimate authority.

SAM: I wanna find Dad.

DEAN: Yeah, me too.

SAM: Yeah, but I just... I want to apologize to him.

DEAN: For what?

SAM: All the things I said to him. He was just doin' the best he could.

DEAN: Well, don't worry, we'll find him. And then you'll apologize. And then within five minutes, you guys will be at each other's throats.

SAM: (laughs.) Yeah, probably. (They sit in silence for a few seconds.) Let's hit the road.

DEAN: Let's.