TROUT FEAR ME

genuinely wonder how many years of latent suicidality someone can take

i should have just let myself feel what i needed to feel and maybe that would have got some of it out of me. but instead i redacted. again

i have been suicidal for 11 years of my life at least. what am i supposed to do with that? where could that energy ever go? i can move countries, do things i was sure i would never live to do, build something good for myself, and i still have this sad fucking kid inside me. i don't know how to be a person without feeling this way and it's deeply embarrassing. why is it embarrassing to be 25 and suicidal like a kid but old enough to know it isn't worth it? when do i stop looking over my shoulder? everytime i think im doing okay it feels like i have to remind myself what it all comes from. i have been suicidal almost half as long as ive been alive. it's hard not to feel defined by that, it's hard to imagine being any other way. i'm almost certain i never will be

crazy how not sleeping for week convinces you youre not important to anyone