𝗖𝗥𝗢𝗦𝗦𝗙𝗔𝗗𝗘.

i still somehow feel like i should be considered at least as special as a potential first date when i've slaved away in the kitchen one too many times. which is something i would normally use as a complaint in the "it's just me" versus "a stranger" debate, but then i remembered that i'm actually the problem. i'm the one who admitted that sometimes your otherwise exciting stories slowly turn into "blah blah blah" in my head. so carry on... what are we talking about here? pranks or jump scares? do you know who you're talking to? it's impossible to both scare and trick me. don't underestimate my ability to read you like the back of a book, hannie. how many times have you managed to sneak up on me when it wasn't to plant a kiss on my face? i let you do that, by the way. i saw your intentions from miles away. are you making me choose between you and tiktok? because what you're essentially asking is for me to climb out of a "why did woojin leave stray kids?" rabbit hole and actually pay attention to what you're saying. alexa, play "it's my life." i don't know, i feel like that's such a han biased thing, though. either they feel bad for you, for whatever reason, or they're laughing at you. honestly, you should be used to it by now. also, i'm kidding. you probably have the most normal fanbase out of all of us. at least yours isn't calling your "evil" alter ego "larry"... it's the way my jaw dropped because what do you mean you don't know who katy perry is? and why it is both insane and somehow not insane that she went to space for five seconds and came back kissing the ground like she'd just joined ben affleck and bruce willis on a mission to stop a meteor from destroying earth. alexa, replay "i don't want to miss a thing." i would definitely want to know how much chatgpt you used for each topic involving quantum physics, but i digress... if you're referring to the time we crossed paths in the bathroom, i didn't take any photos, and i thought it was a shared space. how was i supposed to know you wanted privacy? okay, one of them has to be enrique iglesias. why? i have no idea, other than i want to hear you do that dramatic little voice shake he does. call it an experiment. true, but that still doesn't answer why anyone would buy a book and follow directions on how to save a marriage when it's based on couples who were shoved into the same box because their struggles were vaguely similar. "you need to listen." sure, but also don't overload my brain with random information every waking hour. "you have to be patient." the hell i do. if i'm annoyed, i'm clearly annoyed for a reason. but don't you think most of that is something you figure out as you go through life together? happiness, grief, hardships, arguments... you push through it with mutual respect and by understanding each other's hearts and needs, and i'm pretty sure you can survive most things together. and maybe you should refrain from proposing with a sorry excuse for a pebble. simple as that. all i'm saying is that i didn't say no, which is honestly pretty lucky considering the atrocious pebble i received. depends on what kind of secrets we're talking about here. are you asking me to perform a quickie? jesus christ, han... have a little faith in me.

if you're using the fact that it wouldn't bother me when it comes to you to gauge the "is this special or not" level of it all then, yeah, i'd agree except that's not quite what i meant? it's only because i know you and i'd argue that going to dinner with you tops any first date that i might have, anyway, so. one: i'd have no desire to even if this whole conversation wasn't centered around hypotheticals and two: it's not much of a competition if you've already won. see, that'd almost be touching if you followed it up with "proper name, place name, backstory stuff" but it's probably something more along the lines of wondering how many videos you'll be able to get through before i'm done? fast forward six swipes or so and you're finally free. didn't i just say that you wouldn't get a warning, if i tell you it means you can prepare for it and where does that leave me? i will say that it's technically neither of those, though, so you can keep guessing. you might've known it was coming but i do like how you say you let me as if you put up any real kind of fight to begin with, giving me your hand doesn't count. ...i don't know what i thought you were going to say you'd been watching but it wasn't that? are there conspiracy theories about it? is there a whole corner of tiktok running wild that i don't even know about? i feel like it's going to show up on my feed now just because we've talked about it, further proof that the little people inside the internet are always listening, nothing is sacred, can't even whisper around your phone. but whether they're normal or positive or whatever, it's always that one bad comment that stands out so i try not to pay attention to some things unless i have to. that... yeah, something can be pretty much harmless and still get old? if i had to pick i think i'd rather not know who she is than somehow dissociate and lose the plot of what we're even talking about. i wonder if a few moments of anti-gravity would get someone confused enough to think that time dilation had occurred? if that happened to me i wouldn't be kissing anything, it'd be a straight shot through any possible relief at being back on the ground and smack right into sheer panic. that's between me and my late-night search history, thank you... and maybe because the door was closed?! which, wait, has never stopped you before so what am i saying. nevermind. "escape" is now #1 in my mental queue of karaoke songs, the experiment is a go (eventually). please add willing to be a lab rat to the list of things i'll do for you. if what's in the book ultimately helps someone, somewhere, does the lack of variety really matter? i don't disagree that it'd be better to pull from different experiences but, and i don't just mean when it comes to trying to fix a failing relationship - sometimes one sentence is all it takes to flip things, gain a new perspective. but i do, what you need from someone on day one isn't going to be the same as ten months down the line because, like you said, things happen and it isn't always going to be perfect. you can love someone and it can still inevitably go to shit if there's no open communication or work put in on both sides, if growth both individually and together doesn't happen. listen, you might not have but if my pebble is that bad i can always take it back, let you off the hook and give you the chance to wait for one that's perfect, ticks all of the boxes. i was talking in general but, depends? that doesn't do anything to disprove my point. and not... exactly but i wouldn't now that you've basically tacked "derogatory" onto the end of it. has nothing to do with what i think you're like, if that's why.

i'm not saying i volunteer to babysit richard every now and then, but on the other hand, i'm more than willing to help out if needed. plus, i think kkami could use a friend to play with. i can't guarantee richard would make it out alive, but what is life without a little risk? ( @jisunghvn )

see i was all ready to go ahead and toss you to the top of the list since you're offering but now: if it means they're playing what's-kkami-going-to-do roulette i'm not so sure? they can have a socially distanced friendship through the glass of her cage, respectful, absolutely no room for error.

which is something i do on a regular basis when we're having dinner together. but in my defense, it's not because i don't find your rambling interesting, it's just that i have the attention span of a rabbit and the second my eyes drift down to my screen, you've lost me to tiktok. wouldn't call it trouble, more like a general fear of missing out. that honestly depends on whether the people at the other tables are stays, because if they are, there's a strong chance they'd go "aww" just because they feel bad for you. worse would be if they were armys, in that case expect the waiter to hold up a sign that says "laugh hard". okay, but i'm not sure you can use interstellar as your main source of information.. there are a few issues with that, one being that the plot is about wormholes and i'm not entirely convinced perry's trip to infinity and beyond went anywhere near a wormhole. okay, sheldon cooper, i would pay to be a fly on the wall when you start talking about string theory or theoretical physics. bigger question is, would you also dress as sabrina? because in that case i might have something to say.. and it would involve a camcorder, preferably one from the 90s. serenade away, hannie. you know i'm a sucker for when you pull out the karaoke mic, never mind the fact it's giving 2008 justin bieber trying to get a very adult usher's attention. still, "i need you boo" should at least be sung before we're forced to move apart. right, i forgot about the rosy cheeks from five seconds of eye contact part.. at this rate it's no surprise the birth rate in korea is dropping if that's the standard for couples these days. let's just blame k-dramas for normalizing anti-physical touch. but what even is a healthy relationship? doesn't that depend on expectations? shouldn't there be some kind of mutual understanding before labeling it, or is that just me using common sense instead of one person's analysis written in a book based on, what, three sessions with two couples and their experiences? clearly i didn't forget about the pebble thing, otherwise i wouldn't have preferences about its appearance. and i wouldn't say no just because you offered me an ugly pebble, but i would use it against you. so now you want to keep secrets from me? ..i don't see this penguin marriage lasting, han. okay, but i'm not going to marry you then.. i have needs and an hour once a week just won't do it.

okay, but if we're talking about you and not some stranger i'm pretty used to that and don't get offended? mostly? which isn't to say that i haven't been workshopping (in my own head, with myself) new ways to grab your attention back but you'll know as soon as i start to test any methods i might come up with, official start date tba. not that you'll get a warning but that makes it better, i think? element of surprise and all that. is there a limit on how much fomo you should have when it comes to someone you're around so much already? alexa play "i don't want to miss a thing". i know it makes more sense here to say i'd want them to be fans but is pity really better than being laughed at? the combination of both would be the worst thing, actually, hard pass on all of it. i almost asked if there was a way for me to dip out of this whole discussion just now because i forgot who perry even was for a second, don't look at or perceive me for the next few hours at minimum great thanks goodbye. is that your way of saying it won't be believable when i start going on about quantum gravity? i highly doubt i'd be able to pull off her outfits, plus you really don't need more footage to potentially blackmail me with somewhere down the line. and i'm going to ignore that comparison for my own sanity but i'm pretty sure i could get in a song request or two before that happened, work the it's content leave me alone angle. unrealistic examples set by almost every show ever aside, i think what's good or healthy in a relationship probably looks different for everyone and what works for them, what they're looking for? although i guess the essential building blocks are the same because there are certain things that you have to have and being on the same page is pretty high up there on the list, yeah. and, alright, it's good to know it wouldn't mean immediate rejection but i'd still like to avoid having to hear "remember when you proposed with that sorry excuse for a promise pebble" at random for the next fifty years. are you telling me that you don't have any? not even one? i'd have to call your bluff on that one, not gonna lie. i mean, is it to the point where i'd have to track down dark corners and rooms with a lock on the door during downtime on a shoot because i can work with that.

i suffer from my choices any time i decide i should drink. you'd think i'd not do so but nope. he always tries to get me out. he seems to sense when i need to relax or need some time away. it's appreciated. i know he ended up on the receiving end of affectionate drunk chan. i did my best to. it was a struggle but i know needed something to eat after.

lesson learned but only slightly, maybe? do you think it's better or worse to not remember anything you might have said or done the next day? probably worse if no one tells you and holds your past self's actions over you like a guillotine waiting to drop but lee know hyung is good like that and i doubt he minded if you attached yourself to him like an overgrown koala. i've been there and can't even say it was because of alcohol so just know that if you do better than a single piece of struggle toast you're winning.

I had tour dates right before, too, so it was actually nice just getting to chill out in Napa, and get myself ready for more dates. I really needed it. So great to jump right back into the tour, though, touring is my favorite part of the job.

i swear i noticed that or at least that's the narrative i'm going to go with because if not it doesn't say a whole lot for my reading comprehension, does it? pay attention challenge round two but i'm glad to hear you were able to make the most out of the trip. there really isn't anything quite like getting to be on stage, though, so i'm with you on that one. i know it can be hard to grab even five minutes to yourself on the road, let alone check out whatever city you're in but is there a stop you're most looking forward to?

you aren't at all, promise. i feel i did the same or at least tried to. did some talking with jinnie more though. hopefully you'll be fully functional, hannie. can't have you exhausted all the next day. it was pretty good. started having a more serious conversation so i might have left the concert a little earlier than planned but it all went well. so don't worry about a thing.

i don't know if i'd say i ended up being fully functional but some sort of brainpower came through, i think? maybe 50% or so. enough to get me through it but he did tell me that you're dating now which, finally?? i'm happy for you guys and even if you put aside the whole leaving the concert part having it go down to the soundtrack of adele is poetic somehow, doesn't matter what she's singing just throw her voice in as a background prop.

i'm predicting bandcest, just you wait and see. i can't think of any other reason they'd want to humiliate me like this. the song is called maknae on top, not bottom. and do not state your bias unless it's the youngest one, and i have several reasons for that: one, the amount of crap i deal with on a daily basis. two, it's literally in my title. and three, if JK gets special treatment, why the hell can't i? also, not appreciating being dragged out of my room by all seven of you. was it more for your sake or mine when i spent the entire afternoon cursing under my breath? nope.. i'm good. whatever's wrong will heal eventually, right?

i'm not sure it's enough to add 'group oracle' to the list of reasons you should be priority number one - are we ignoring all of the times that you have gotten special treatment? i just need to know what i'm working with here - because we might need another prediction or two first but i'm going to assume you've heard by now that you called it? i'm happy for them but also: took them long enough. can you blame us for wanting to check on you and, yeah, try to cheer you up a little? even if it didn't work and i get it if you don't want to be coddled. and sure, it will and i know you know but sometimes it doesn't hurt to be reminded you have people in your corner, i'm just saying.

so in conclusion, we can at least agree that you would resort to awkward small talk if the opportunity presented itself. though you obviously forgot the awkward sound effect where the camera pans across the empty restaurant tables before cutting back to your face as you awkwardly go, "...anyway." but doesn't that also depend on what is being fabricated? because let's say you run out of conversation topics, the woman lets out a lazy yawn mid-bruschetta, and suddenly you mention that you were originally supposed to go to space with katy perry or that you were almost featured on espresso with sabrina carpenter. both weirdly believable, by the way. those are harmless little white lies. but if you start claiming you actually went to space or that you're secretly the real voice behind carpenter, then we're entering dangerous territory that probably requires evidence. and not the penthouse.. at least the male lead gets the girl in the end, the grandfather accepts her, and they spend the rest of their lives sleeping beside each other fully clothed because god forbid we imply they have sex. and what kind of books are we talking about here exactly? how to romance for dummies? you act like i haven't watched happy feet and learned all about the pebbles. it better be the darkest, shiniest pebble in existence or i'm rejecting the proposal on principle alone. so does this mean you've finally accepted that i'm your person? because i can think of at least one fandom that would blow a horn in triumph over that revelation. eh, can we make up the rules as we go along? do we sleep in separate beds like a couple from the 50s? and are we only allowed to sleep together on saturdays? because if so.. i have questions.

if i'm desperate and it's been at least a minute of silence, yes. that or if they've taken out their phone to start texting or scrolling tiktok which actually might be worse than simply not saying anything? the minute i'm not at least more interesting than whatever's on someone's feed i'll know i'm in trouble. but obviously, will it be one of those shows where they have the canned laughter in the background as well? or better yet a live audience except in this case it's a group of three and they're sitting a couple of tables away, watching it all go down over half-priced appetizers: discounted for their participation. please, do you not think i could make up an elaborate enough space story to back it up? i've seen both interstellar and passengers, i'd just start talking about physics and hibernation pods and robot bartenders. the "i'm actually sabrina" route might be more difficult to pull off but you did give me a career idea if all else suddenly fails (or for ten years down the line maybe): carpenter cover act? i could practice serenading you with juno to see how it goes, yeah? or nonsense? and i think you're not giving them enough credit, i bet they'd pinky swear on top of the blankets as their one form of allowed physical contact.. at least in addition to when they accidentally bump into each other in the kitchen or both reach for the salt at the same time and brush hands before one of them leaves the room all flustered. either that or there's apparently a book out there called the complete idiot's guide to a healthy relationship which might be even better. look, for all i knew you'd forgotten about the pebble thing? you are getting up there but i'd never give you one that was anything less than perfect, can't have you saying no. i accepted it years ago but at the time i figured that didn't mean everyone else had to know about it; let a man have his secrets, or at least pretend to. and sure, we can put the rules down as tba for now but i'm just going to say no and also no?? i didn't know the saturday thing was something people actually did, intimacy on a schedule? you can only touch me between the hours of 9-10 once a week. sorry, babe.

perhaps i can just picture you sitting at a candlelit dinner while awkward silence slowly creeps in, and then you randomly bring up the weather in hopes that she'll at least agree that the weather is, in fact, weather-ing. pretty sure i already told you, unless you want me to go into detail and turn this part of the conversation into a bedtime story. you know what? i blame the ridiculously high expectations from their filthy rich grandfather. but to be fair, the future of the company is apparently at stake every time the male lead falls for the commoner. all i'm saying is that your movie preferences should probably not be used as relationship role models. and it's funny that you think i'd end up with a partner before you when we both know i'm just waiting for you to get down on one knee. obviously joking. ..mostly. but at the same time, i do think it's only fair to the fans that we finally come out as at least pretend-married.

...okay, i'll give you that although it'd probably go more like me making a comment about how busy the restaurant is when it is not, in fact, busy at all. cue camera pan to the very empty tables nearby if we were in a sitcom. is making things up for the sake of conversation a bad thing if you don't even realize you're doing it? congrats, you've subscribed to innocuous (fabricated) shit by han, agree to a second date to hear more. doesn't mean i wouldn't take a recap, but i'll give you a pass this time. all of that pressure would get to anyone, you're right, it's a good thing they've all got their top-floor penthouses to anguish in. i almost said okay, i'll switch to books just to be a pain but i'll stick to fumbling through on my own, scuffed as it might be. mostly? i'm afraid i don't have a ring yet but i can give you a special, hand-picked pebble in the meantime and before you judge me, it's a penguin courtship ritual, peak romance. they do it when they find their "person," basically. will this fake marriage have rules to follow? i feel like it ups the stakes, at least a little.