DILEMMA US FROM EVIL

okay, but if we're talking about you and not some stranger i'm pretty used to that and don't get offended? mostly? which isn't to say that i haven't been workshopping (in my own head, with myself) new ways to grab your attention back but you'll know as soon as i start to test any methods i might come up with, official start date tba. not that you'll get a warning but that makes it better, i think? element of surprise and all that. is there a limit on how much fomo you should have when it comes to someone you're around so much already? alexa play "i don't want to miss a thing". i know it makes more sense here to say i'd want them to be fans but is pity really better than being laughed at? the combination of both would be the worst thing, actually, hard pass on all of it. i almost asked if there was a way for me to dip out of this whole discussion just now because i forgot who perry even was for a second, don't look at or perceive me for the next few hours at minimum great thanks goodbye. is that your way of saying it won't be believable when i start going on about quantum gravity? i highly doubt i'd be able to pull off her outfits, plus you really don't need more footage to potentially blackmail me with somewhere down the line. and i'm going to ignore that comparison for my own sanity but i'm pretty sure i could get in a song request or two before that happened, work the it's content leave me alone angle. unrealistic examples set by almost every show ever aside, i think what's good or healthy in a relationship probably looks different for everyone and what works for them, what they're looking for? although i guess the essential building blocks are the same because there are certain things that you have to have and being on the same page is pretty high up there on the list, yeah. and, alright, it's good to know it wouldn't mean immediate rejection but i'd still like to avoid having to hear "remember when you proposed with that sorry excuse for a promise pebble" at random for the next fifty years. are you telling me that you don't have any? not even one? i'd have to call your bluff on that one, not gonna lie. i mean, is it to the point where i'd have to track down dark corners and rooms with a lock on the door during downtime on a shoot because i can work with that.

i still somehow feel like i should be considered at least as special as a potential first date when i've slaved away in the kitchen one too many times. which is something i would normally use as a complaint in the "it's just me" versus "a stranger" debate, but then i remembered that i'm actually the problem. i'm the one who admitted that sometimes your otherwise exciting stories slowly turn into "blah blah blah" in my head. so carry on... what are we talking about here? pranks or jump scares? do you know who you're talking to? it's impossible to both scare and trick me. don't underestimate my ability to read you like the back of a book, hannie. how many times have you managed to sneak up on me when it wasn't to plant a kiss on my face? i let you do that, by the way. i saw your intentions from miles away. are you making me choose between you and tiktok? because what you're essentially asking is for me to climb out of a "why did woojin leave stray kids?" rabbit hole and actually pay attention to what you're saying. alexa, play "it's my life." i don't know, i feel like that's such a han biased thing, though. either they feel bad for you, for whatever reason, or they're laughing at you. honestly, you should be used to it by now. also, i'm kidding. you probably have the most normal fanbase out of all of us. at least yours isn't calling your "evil" alter ego "larry"... it's the way my jaw dropped because what do you mean you don't know who katy perry is? and why it is both insane and somehow not insane that she went to space for five seconds and came back kissing the ground like she'd just joined ben affleck and bruce willis on a mission to stop a meteor from destroying earth. alexa, replay "i don't want to miss a thing." i would definitely want to know how much chatgpt you used for each topic involving quantum physics, but i digress... if you're referring to the time we crossed paths in the bathroom, i didn't take any photos, and i thought it was a shared space. how was i supposed to know you wanted privacy? okay, one of them has to be enrique iglesias. why? i have no idea, other than i want to hear you do that dramatic little voice shake he does. call it an experiment. true, but that still doesn't answer why anyone would buy a book and follow directions on how to save a marriage when it's based on couples who were shoved into the same box because their struggles were vaguely similar. "you need to listen." sure, but also don't overload my brain with random information every waking hour. "you have to be patient." the hell i do. if i'm annoyed, i'm clearly annoyed for a reason. but don't you think most of that is something you figure out as you go through life together? happiness, grief, hardships, arguments... you push through it with mutual respect and by understanding each other's hearts and needs, and i'm pretty sure you can survive most things together. and maybe you should refrain from proposing with a sorry excuse for a pebble. simple as that. all i'm saying is that i didn't say no, which is honestly pretty lucky considering the atrocious pebble i received. depends on what kind of secrets we're talking about here. are you asking me to perform a quickie? jesus christ, han... have a little faith in me.

See, that's exactly why I knew I was getting away with it. You're right being forced to room with colleagues is probably a lot more fun when you're twenty and living off instant noodles than when you're fully-grown adults with established routines and opinions about where things should go. That said, I do think there are perks. You end up getting to know people in a way you wouldn't otherwise, and at the very least we now know we can survive sharing a room without one of us ending up on a true-crime podcast. A drink is absolutely fair compensation. Although I should warn you, if you start asking Spider-Man questions, I'm contractually obligated to become suspiciously vague and answer everything like I'm being monitored by Marvel from a nearby van. Still, ask away, I'll tell you everything I legally can.

so now you're admitting that being a little messy was premeditated?that is true, and i have to admit that since i've shared a dorm with the same person since 2018, it would feel a little strange if we suddenly weren't living together anymore. that doesn't change the fact that sometimes you wish you had a place of your own, with furniture you picked out yourself, instead of constantly feeling like you're living in an airbnb. wait, was that something you were concerned about? me strangling you in your sleep? yes, because obviously i would risk my entire career by murdering a beloved marvel actor simply because he left his socks on the floor. so what you're saying is that i'm going to get ai generated answers to all my questions? alrighty then. but how about we dig a little deeper? i could always ask about your experiences with the franchise instead.

if i'm desperate and it's been at least a minute of silence, yes. that or if they've taken out their phone to start texting or scrolling tiktok which actually might be worse than simply not saying anything? the minute i'm not at least more interesting than whatever's on someone's feed i'll know i'm in trouble. but obviously, will it be one of those shows where they have the canned laughter in the background as well? or better yet a live audience except in this case it's a group of three and they're sitting a couple of tables away, watching it all go down over half-priced appetizers: discounted for their participation. please, do you not think i could make up an elaborate enough space story to back it up? i've seen both interstellar and passengers, i'd just start talking about physics and hibernation pods and robot bartenders. the "i'm actually sabrina" route might be more difficult to pull off but you did give me a career idea if all else suddenly fails (or for ten years down the line maybe): carpenter cover act? i could practice serenading you with juno to see how it goes, yeah? or nonsense? and i think you're not giving them enough credit, i bet they'd pinky swear on top of the blankets as their one form of allowed physical contact.. at least in addition to when they accidentally bump into each other in the kitchen or both reach for the salt at the same time and brush hands before one of them leaves the room all flustered. either that or there's apparently a book out there called the complete idiot's guide to a healthy relationship which might be even better. look, for all i knew you'd forgotten about the pebble thing? you are getting up there but i'd never give you one that was anything less than perfect, can't have you saying no. i accepted it years ago but at the time i figured that didn't mean everyone else had to know about it; let a man have his secrets, or at least pretend to. and sure, we can put the rules down as tba for now but i'm just going to say no and also no?? i didn't know the saturday thing was something people actually did, intimacy on a schedule? you can only touch me between the hours of 9-10 once a week. sorry, babe.

which is something i do on a regular basis when we're having dinner together. but in my defense, it's not because i don't find your rambling interesting, it's just that i have the attention span of a rabbit and the second my eyes drift down to my screen, you've lost me to tiktok. wouldn't call it trouble, more like a general fear of missing out. that honestly depends on whether the people at the other tables are stays, because if they are, there's a strong chance they'd go "aww" just because they feel bad for you. worse would be if they were armys, in that case expect the waiter to hold up a sign that says "laugh hard". okay, but i'm not sure you can use interstellar as your main source of information.. there are a few issues with that, one being that the plot is about wormholes and i'm not entirely convinced perry's trip to infinity and beyond went anywhere near a wormhole. okay, sheldon cooper, i would pay to be a fly on the wall when you start talking about string theory or theoretical physics. bigger question is, would you also dress as sabrina? because in that case i might have something to say.. and it would involve a camcorder, preferably one from the 90s. serenade away, hannie. you know i'm a sucker for when you pull out the karaoke mic, never mind the fact it's giving 2008 justin bieber trying to get a very adult usher's attention. still, "i need you boo" should at least be sung before we're forced to move apart. right, i forgot about the rosy cheeks from five seconds of eye contact part.. at this rate it's no surprise the birth rate in korea is dropping if that's the standard for couples these days. let's just blame k-dramas for normalizing anti-physical touch. but what even is a healthy relationship? doesn't that depend on expectations? shouldn't there be some kind of mutual understanding before labeling it, or is that just me using common sense instead of one person's analysis written in a book based on, what, three sessions with two couples and their experiences? clearly i didn't forget about the pebble thing, otherwise i wouldn't have preferences about its appearance. and i wouldn't say no just because you offered me an ugly pebble, but i would use it against you. so now you want to keep secrets from me? ..i don't see this penguin marriage lasting, han. okay, but i'm not going to marry you then.. i have needs and an hour once a week just won't do it.

...okay, i'll give you that although it'd probably go more like me making a comment about how busy the restaurant is when it is not, in fact, busy at all. cue camera pan to the very empty tables nearby if we were in a sitcom. is making things up for the sake of conversation a bad thing if you don't even realize you're doing it? congrats, you've subscribed to innocuous (fabricated) shit by han, agree to a second date to hear more. doesn't mean i wouldn't take a recap, but i'll give you a pass this time. all of that pressure would get to anyone, you're right, it's a good thing they've all got their top-floor penthouses to anguish in. i almost said okay, i'll switch to books just to be a pain but i'll stick to fumbling through on my own, scuffed as it might be. mostly? i'm afraid i don't have a ring yet but i can give you a special, hand-picked pebble in the meantime and before you judge me, it's a penguin courtship ritual, peak romance. they do it when they find their "person," basically. will this fake marriage have rules to follow? i feel like it ups the stakes, at least a little.

so in conclusion, we can at least agree that you would resort to awkward small talk if the opportunity presented itself. though you obviously forgot the awkward sound effect where the camera pans across the empty restaurant tables before cutting back to your face as you awkwardly go, "...anyway." but doesn't that also depend on what is being fabricated? because let's say you run out of conversation topics, the woman lets out a lazy yawn mid-bruschetta, and suddenly you mention that you were originally supposed to go to space with katy perry or that you were almost featured on espresso with sabrina carpenter. both weirdly believable, by the way. those are harmless little white lies. but if you start claiming you actually went to space or that you're secretly the real voice behind carpenter, then we're entering dangerous territory that probably requires evidence. and not the penthouse.. at least the male lead gets the girl in the end, the grandfather accepts her, and they spend the rest of their lives sleeping beside each other fully clothed because god forbid we imply they have sex. and what kind of books are we talking about here exactly? how to romance for dummies? you act like i haven't watched happy feet and learned all about the pebbles. it better be the darkest, shiniest pebble in existence or i'm rejecting the proposal on principle alone. so does this mean you've finally accepted that i'm your person? because i can think of at least one fandom that would blow a horn in triumph over that revelation. eh, can we make up the rules as we go along? do we sleep in separate beds like a couple from the 50s? and are we only allowed to sleep together on saturdays? because if so.. i have questions.

i wouldn't dare. i'm too innocent to do something like that on purpose. guess my relapse in memory made me forget that hot wings make me moan. it's normal! i've heard other moan when it comes to food before. i am. i'm glad i get to relax instead of feeling like i have to go constantly.

speaking of that.. are you and jinnie together-together? because if so, i think i speak for the majority of the band members when i say: about fucking time, yongbokie. and why haven't you made a big announcement yet? i was convinced at least jinnie would've gone for some kind of grand gesture. i'm picturing the intro to the lion king, except instead of simba it's a picture of the two of you. and yeah, that includes the soundtrack.

no! at least, not often and especially not on a date so considering your aversion to it i don't know if i should be offended or not that you think it's typical of me? tell me how you really feel, i'm waiting. why do they almost never throw in any build up or growth before the character does a complete 180? you get one scene of him holding a door open for someone and that's supposed to make you believe he's a good guy now. first off i would never and second.. i don't have anything else to add but anyway, tony stark can keep his manipulation tactics. and, yeah, for the purpose of simplifying the timeline i kind of skipped past the awkward part of it all since i don't know if i'd say it really counts toward it? kept it out of the math. not that i'd be the one to kick you out but i like how you say that as if you wouldn't already be gone with a partner of your own by then while i'm stuck hugging a massive stuffed animal, no big deal, it's fine. i'd call it being honest, actually..

perhaps i can just picture you sitting at a candlelit dinner while awkward silence slowly creeps in, and then you randomly bring up the weather in hopes that she'll at least agree that the weather is, in fact, weather-ing. pretty sure i already told you, unless you want me to go into detail and turn this part of the conversation into a bedtime story. you know what? i blame the ridiculously high expectations from their filthy rich grandfather. but to be fair, the future of the company is apparently at stake every time the male lead falls for the commoner. all i'm saying is that your movie preferences should probably not be used as relationship role models. and it's funny that you think i'd end up with a partner before you when we both know i'm just waiting for you to get down on one knee. obviously joking. ..mostly. but at the same time, i do think it's only fair to the fans that we finally come out as at least pretend-married.

i will try my best to say no more often. promise. oh, i know. i've spoiled them enough already to know how they get. i do. yeah? think you have succeeded with that already. thought i was clingy before. seems me with drinks in my system is worse. i appreciate it. i do adore your family a ton and i feel your mom would love that. haha, i won't then. i already checked in with him and hyunjin. gotta do so for the rest.

let this be a warning, channie, you can't keep spoiling them. jinnie is getting more and more obnoxious, yongbokie is basically hidden in said obnoxious man's pocket, innie needs to sort out his anger issues, and hannie.. well, hannie is perfect, so there's not much i can say about him. wait, actually there is, he's annoying. you and i should get together and figure out how to get everything back to how it used to be.. unless it's always been like this and i've just been too oblivious to notice? have we always been idiots, and if so, i'm so freaking sorry. you know i don't mind your clinginess, channie. it's actually kind of adorable. how about you take a break from checking in with them?

that's true. i can't imagine that there'd be a lot of fall off, especially for you guys but i know what that you never know feeling is like. do you find it hard to turn your work brain off and relax when you're on a break? i feel like that word is so relative because the way things are almost doesn't allow for you to not be doing something most of the time. not that it's bad to stay busy, and i can't really talk because the whole sitting still thing doesn't come easily to me, but i guess that's where trips like napa come in? mandatory minute away from it all.

i mean, it definitely doesn't help that BTS decided to sucker punch the rest of us with their comeback. i knew we should've expected it, but the decrease in fans has actually stunned me a bit. shoutout to the stays that actually.. stay. sort of? sometimes i get extremely restless and anxious whenever we're on hiatus, but thankfully our fierce leader always gives us something to do, unless the company ships us away for ambassador events. what about you? i think we're much more alike on that front, because i can't sit still for the life of me, much to the annoyance of my band members. did you enjoy napa, though?

i saw something about you being the first korean celebrity to have a wax figure at madame tussauds. first off, huge flex. i hope you're still using it to this day. and second, be honest - did it actually look like you? cause i've seem plenty of moments where they unveil that thing and someone is looking full on busted. @leekminho

i'm going to start off with a compliment, because you're adorable and kind of badass.. kind of scary also? so, here goes: you're more beautiful than all the victoria's secret models combined. and.. that wasn't me, that was my name twin, a pretty popular actor. though now i need a wax figure; preferably one located in my dorm so i can scare my roommate from time to time.

Sorry about that! I swear I didn't mean to leave it all messy, I just sort of dropped my stuff and then got distracted. I'll sort it properly, promise! Those are dangerously strong claims, mate, but if you're used to living with band members, you're probably already more qualified than most people I know, even myself. I've lived on my own since I was 21. Though I did share places with a few actor friends, and I don't think they've got any complaints about me. You have been ideal roommate so far, let me buy you a drink sometime!

you'd think i would be enraged by the messiness, but even i can accept that it was only for a short period of time, and really, it wasn't that bad. perhaps there are perks to being forcefully roomed with your colleagues, though i wouldn't exactly recommend it once you reach a certain age. it makes more sense when it's during college years, or because you insist on living in the city but realise rent is beyond what your part-time job paycheck can afford. what's that song that goes something like "always look on the bright side of life".. though sometimes when i look at my roommate i lean more toward the section that goes "life's a piece of shit when you look at it." now that the trip is over, i think it's only fair that you buy me a drink at some point. i have spiderman questions that need answering.

okay, fair point. it's not my first choice when it comes to landing on something just for the sake of breaking the silence but if someone throws it out there because they've got nothing else? they're forgiven, most likely. so what i'm getting here is that i shouldn't be taking my how-to-woo-your-hypothetical-crush tips from all of the romance movies out there? damn, there goes my entire plan, back to the drawing board. i'm trying to think back and that 72 hour (+/-) adjustment period probably isn't entirely inaccurate when it comes to you for most people, depending on how quick they are to figure you out. +1 for introspection, though. i was about to say i don't even know if i'd call it weird but that could just be a sign that i've gone way too far in the direction of accepting my own attachment style no matter what that means, exactly? shame: none, i'll do what i want. i mean, yeah.. not sorry.

is this your way of admitting that you highkey lean toward weather talk whenever awkward silence appears in a group setting? and is that you on a date? because if so, i can actually picture it. i wouldn't necessarily say you can't take notes, but maybe don't take them from k-dramas where the male lead is usually a walking red flag until episode sixteen. and before you dive into the marvel universe; no, you also can't gaslight someone into a relationship like tony stark. i vaguely remember our first seventy-two hours together being awkward as hell, but okay, you took one look at the rest of us and immediately decided you didn't like us. perks of being competitors, i guess. props for at least warming up to me.. eventually. i'm not saying it's a problem right now, but imagine your future spouse thinking they're third-wheeling because i'm basically an accessory during pillow talk. i promise i'll stay quiet, though. you're an idiot..