,, I sing a melody of lamentation ''

❝ I’ll turn what they think are angels into devils. ❞

「 I don't like names or pronouns but it's okay to call me whatever you want... My identity is so unstable... 」

「 I'm 15, almost 16, and I'm aromantic and aplatonic... I'm apathetic and don't feel much emotion towards others. I have a girlfriend, it's an open relationship, you're free to flirt if you'd like 」

「 I love talking to people, it's a little surprising but I'm actually a huge extrovert. Asks of any kind are really, really fun... Parasocial interactions are fun and welcomed if you're okay with the fact that it's just a way to pass the time for me... I'm guilty of playing with peoples feelings in the past, so I'd like to make my lack of attachment very clear 」

「 I have two oshis, I love them dearly, Haruka Isumi is my kamioshi, my prince... My other oshi is Ayn Alwyn, he's really lovely. Please refrain from interacting if you're heavily connected to them in any way (fictive, kin, selfshipper, call yourself the no.1 fan, etc). Please please ask me about them! I could talk about them forever... 」

「 I'm confident that I have NPD... Alongside antisocial traits or ASPD... This is my place to be myself, so, I won't really subscribe to societal expectations of how people should act... 」

︵︵︵ ๑ ♡ ๑ ︵︵︵

#I'll give you the best live performance = Normal stuff, day to day posts, pretty average things... #Destroy all the things you don't like = Venting and talking about all the sad nonsense in my life... Though I'm not really depressive, so, not quite sad, more just agitated and irrational... #Aren't you tired? It seems like it would be good to eat something sweet! = When I answer asks... I like this quote, I always imagine Haruka handing me his baking... #I'll go beyond zero = That's just for reblogging. I don't reblog much. #We are ŹOOĻ. Just remember that much = Important posts, like this. #Mail from [emoji] = Anons

Speaking of... These are the taken anon tags : 🥃

I hope my merch comes soon... I really want to be able to see my kamioshi as close to "in the flesh" as possible.

I want to have my other oshi on my blog somehow... I'm not sure how to include him. If anyone happens to have ideas, I'll gladly hear them.

It's me with my probable ASPD and my IRL with bipolar against the world... I love her to bits which means nothing because I don't love people, but I do find her life awfully entertaining and in exchange for getting joy from her suffering, she gets lots of reassurance and support.

I'm very happy to know that you can relate, it's such an odd thing that I've never seen others talk about it. I think she could already guess I work like this, but I want to read that post to my therapist when I next see her so I can get her thoughts on it...

Having NPD (And perhaps other issues too) and being self aware is a special sort of curse where you know exactly what's happening and why but are unable to do anything besides that recognition, it's not like you can just up and change integral parts of your personality. I spend so much time thinking about myself and weighing up how others perceive me, I end up going in circles and thinking about myself constantly, my behaviour, why I'm like this, what this means, it's a curse that makes me unable to stop thinking. Everything I do is perfectly planned out. If I talk like this it'll make people think that, if I do this I'll get that amount of pity, people react positively to this so I should do that, acting in this way with this type of person gets this reaction, and so on. I understand so much about people from watching, I don't involve myself in anything unless I'm confident it will heighten my reputation or boost my ego. But on the rare occasions that my plans go wrong, it's like death comes hurtling towards me, suddenly no one means anything any more, even people I usually hold in a slightly less than equal regard, I must do damage control at once and cut out everyone that witnessed my mistake, perhaps I should even take a knife to my skin or a rope to my neck. These are all of the things I think about, every second and every minute. There is not a single action I can take that is just me being me unless I am completely alone, then again there's always that annoying thought that someone could be watching, somehow, anyway. All my words are practiced over and over in my head, I am a slave to my own brain. It's impossible to be "myself" because that person was erased to make way for perfection that cannot even maintain itself because it's just impossible for a human to achieve that.

Miniscule things pile up onto one another and suddenly I am unable to be around others out of sheer hatred for the entire population. If it's not obvious that you rightfully think my presence a gift, I believe it means you're lesser, you can't recognise my greatness and that makes you sub-human.

All this to be said, if I am rather avoidant towards people (save for those who give me supply), it is because of this, having a disordered personality unfortunately shows in ones, well, personality... I will be friendly again soon, probably, whenever I've reached a high place of supply again. Love you all! I'm clawing at my hair! I would rather a #lobotomy than deal with myself for another day.

I've decided to make a userbox for myself, I would be quite honoured if anyone chooses to use it. Do feel free to recolour as you wish.

I wonder, is there official merch of my dear Ayn...? If there is, I want it too, an ita bag of him and Haruka would be awfully cute. I want to squeeze my oshi's until their bones break, said with adoration.

momo

AWWW AWWWWW THE MOMO IS SO CUTEEEE. And thank you for the kind words, I like your blog as well, the way you type is very satisfying to read.

i've had a a fair few,,, growing up "gifted" and all,,, so i'm wondering if i could hear about yours~! i like learning about people~

I do, I also grew up "gifted" and as such developed a lot of different interests that I excel in. Or, would excel in if I had any energy right now.

I make candles, it's quite fun, especially when learning how to make your own different scents. I also do a lot of extreme sports to cope with the heavy chronic boredom/need for stimulation I have, caving and wind surfing are my favourites right now, but I'm going parachuting out of a plane later in the year so that might be even more fun. I used to do a lot of writing but got burn out, so I haven't written very much lately, though I do want to.

What about you? I agree that learning about others is a very wonderful thing!

You're quite welcome! I like your blog, it seems very authentic, which I can admire.

Hi... Oh my, you are so very evil. So evil you forgot to use the last parentheses. Which is, of course, a sign of pure evil.

Farewell and goodnight, Tumblr. I hope that I dream of one of my oshi's, that would be delightful... I believe around this time many of you are just waking up, so I also hope that everyone has a wonderful day.

I will take coincidences and menial moments as signs of someone feeling utter adoration and admiration for me even when it doesn't make sense, my brain warps things so I believe that everyone has an obscenely positive view of me.

Hello. Isn't this rather... Bland? Do you wish to converse more or is this just a simple greeting? I wonder...

I love the options you can pick as the main character in this game, they mention locking you in a cage of thorns and you can just reply raving about how much you would love that. Thank you for letting the main girl be weird and freakish, my random otome game.