DESUDESUDESUDESU

hey guys do you want to circulate the heirloom dancing spiderman again i feel like we could stand to do that

you: suck my dick me, an intellectual: inhale my richard

here it is! the post that started a “me, an intellectual” hell frenzy, and is officially ⭐ the worst post of 2016 ⭐

World Heritage Post

fucked up the roster for the week and accidentally scheduled two guards who only tell the truth on the same day. fuuuuck now anyone can find out which is the right path to go down

asked my guards what i should do about it and one of them said "stop relying on convoluted puzzles to protect your castle" and the other said "yeah i agree with him" maybe theyre both liars

on their clit like morse code

"S.O.S. we're going down"

fuck dont be funnier than me on my own post

... - . -. -.. . -.-.

She STEN on my DEC until I'm never heard from again.

we do need to revisit the wording of "you can't have your cake and eat it too" because i don't think it clearly enough conveys that it's more that you can't simultaneously retain a cake and also get to consume it (which would render you cakeless). for years i was like But why not....it's my cake....?

this fucking problem is how they caught the unabomber

hey you should uh. elaborate. for my own personal satisfaction

the unabomber was pedantic about idiomatic phrases like "have your cake and eat it too" and rephrased it to "eat your cake and have it too" (which to be very fair makes sense). fast forward to when he starts writing manifestos. he uses the phrase word for word in his pedantic style and his brother (who has been keeping his eyes on the unabomber shit for obvious reasons) notices the phrase and is like "oh fuck that's my fucking brother no one else fucking says that" and calls in an FBI tip

Well you can't deliberately speak in a way nobody else does and also stay anonymous you know. Can't eat your cake and have it too.

I am a huge fan of retiring to my quarters

In this economy you'll be lucky to retire to your nickels

don’t jokeship with me because 2 hours later i’ll have feels for the pairing.

​first rule of crackshipping is have fun qnd be yourself. second rule of crackshipping is look out!

I'm amused at the ones which finally took him out

#phenomenal gif usage (@ladypolitik)

reblog if your name isn't Amanda.

I HAVE to reblog this eleven million note post. That’s the most notes I’ve ever seen on tumblr. Also my name is Jade, not Amanda.

HOW IS THERE SO MANY

haha thats so funny [face gets gravely serious] but were you not a staunch and trusted ally i would have you executed for such a joke