Tonight, on an impulsive whim I talked about something that happened years ago in an online place with strangers that I trust. You heard me, strangers. Well, kindred spirits really, we all share one similar thing... OCD.
Sometimes, a situation in your memories gets picked at until it makes you raw and the intrusive thoughts circle around this particular moment and bring it up for years. This is the type of moment that I talked about and repeating it once is enough for me for now.
For you and for me, I did not do anything wrong but it feels like I did everything wrong. Even though it happened years and years ago, and there is nothing I can do anymore, it sits inside of me like a lead weight in my mind. It has its own gravitational pull almost.
This is an attempt to release the gravity and set things back on the right track.
Honestly, I've been doing pretty well lately. I set some goals, waking up around the same time every morning, putting down my devices every night for at least 2 hours, getting into yoga and not obsessing over my weight.
Morning thing, ace. Five stars. I can do this without a problem. I actually love being awake before the sun because I always get to see the sunset and I always seem more productive.
Putting down my devices for at least 2 hours before bed, it was a partial win. I'm sure you saw my post about being a technological addict. Crossing this territory has been extremely difficult, putting down my devices for any amount of time is just way too hard. I managed about three broken weeks. The attempt to put down the devices was to reduce stimuli so that I could sleep better. But now that I have a full-time job, I'm so tired when I get home that I just sleep no matter what.
Getting into yoga was a failure. I managed 10 days of self-instructed yoga, felt great about it and myself but could not keep it up for anything. Again, having a job kind of distracted away from this.
And, finally, not obsessing about my weight. This has been a hurdle. I am very tempted at this exact moment to go to the scale and weigh myself. There is no reason other than the fact that I am obsessed with my weight and I have low self-confidence. I will weigh myself everyday if I don't keep in control. So instead, I don't weigh myself at all. In the past 2 months I have weighed myself once and it is honestly bothering me not to do it more but I'm refusing myself to do it more. Part of me wants to know what it is so that I can obsess about making it better while the other part wants to obsess about how bad it makes me feel. Out of all of this, I have to do my best to remember that weight constantly fluctuates and changes as days go through. Women also tend to bloat and have other womanly things which are affecting of weight movement.
Putting all of this out here is scary. It really is. You don't realize all of the thoughts behind it, all of the worries and obsessions that come with the post like this. Or maybe you do, either way please try to understand that mental health is not one size fits all and there is a huge variety of it and of us.