🐘

this is an excerpt from my resume

No, Mike Pence got fucked by a horse. How else do you get the outside of a horse inside a man? 

Much. 

Horse must have been desperate

how did I never once think to use tape fuck

one time as a kid I forcefully shoved two magnets together, and these were the strong magnets my dad used in his shop to pick-up missing little metal bits, and I held them really tightly in the palm of my hand, went up to this one kid who legit said things like “I think black cats are bad, they should be drowned” and drew crosses on the notebooks of kids if she found out they didn’t go to church, I told her “Hey. I’m a witch. If you don’t stop trying to hurt animals and picking on kids, I’ll use my magic to throw you into the sky”, and when she dared to doubt my powers I told her that I had two “rocks” in my hand that I could send across the playground, then I opened my hand the the magnets shot off in two different directions (we were over in a spot that was empty, so no other kids were around, nobody got hurt), one of them stuck to a drainpipe and the other stuck to a fence. This kid SCREAMED, and ran to the office, and I guess had her mom pick her up from school, and then she wasn’t there for a couple of days, finally her mom called my house and claimed I had “traumatized her daughter by performing a terrifying magic trick”, and when my parents asked what I did I just said “I showed her a magnet and she flipped out. She’s not gonna be happy when she finds out about gravity, either”. eventually this kid came back to school and always made a point to come up to me and say “Hey, my mom told me not to talk to you!”, and would just be like “Good job, you already screwed that up”

Holy shit

Pronouncing the “E” at the end of “Testosterone” makes it sound like a pasta.

Come get y’all’s transgetti

finding out picasso died in 1973 feels like the fakest thing ive ever heard. everyone talks about him like he lived in a cave with nothing but a torch and paint he made from berries or bear shit or somethin but nah this dude probably sat down watchin looney tunes thinkin “damn i should draw some dude with a nose on his forehead thatd be dope” i feel so lied to

every time people wake up and realize that wearing red eyeshadow is cool again i always see all these articles and tutorials that are like "how to wear red eyeshadow so you don't look like you just crawled out of your own grave" and i'm honestly shocked and appalled because if that's not the look you're going for then what is even the point

there's no "skill" or "technique" to wearing red eyeshadow okay you just smear that shit all over your eyelids with your fingers or a brush you bought at the dollar store if you're feeling especially luxurious like god and gerard way intended

what if one day tumblr decided to reveal all anon messages

that’s some regina george level shit right there

bonding with your houseplants by watering them from a water bottle you’ve already drank from

Everyone hating on the popcorn ceilings instead of literally everything else is valid that was truly the worst part of living there

My life has been meaningless until now🤘

Say it louder for those in the back

Life path unlocked. He’s a scientist now.

This is so cute omg

Grandma’s all over the world gotta make sure you’re fed

Reblogging again to remind people that the people of Iran are human and maybe we shouldn’t go to war with them. Just a suggestion.

This post needs to be shared, on newspapers, and in all the blogs.

Iran look lit