Jamie 910/youtube.com

I wish you knew the pain I am dealing with mentally so you would know how much I escaped this dark world I was. For so long, I’ve dealt with self harm and your wondering why the fuck would I do it. I did it to feel something because I felt nothing in this world. It made me feel like a human again. I didn’t do it because I was mad at myself or to look cool or for attention. I would walk in this world feeling stupid and worthless, I felt like I was nothing in this world but a lazy piece of shit. None of you asked if “I was okay?” or “how was my day?.” I wanted to feel something but no matter how many antidepressants I took nothing made me feel complete. I would wake up everyday and feel like a zombie, nothing, a dark pit of must on this earth. I feel so broken... I so depressed. I just wanted to be myself, Jamie. I just wanted to be myself I just wanted to look in the mirror and feel complete with myself. I just wanted to be the boy I always felt I was and now i’m not. Everyday I was reminded how much of a girl I was. Why couldn’t you all understand how mentally I felt like a boy and how it hurted when you would all call me, Jocelyn. I just wanted to be myself for god’s sake I felt like a boy inside and you all couldnt see that. Calling me a girl just made me feel crazy. You all made me feel worthless, hopeless, careless, stupid, and depressing. Why did I felt like my girlfriend was the only person to make me feel sane. It only felt like she was only there for me.  I just feel like Im losing myself 

Scars I cannot repair, forever memorable

It 6/11/16 and all I can think about is waiting for my birthday, 6 MORE MONTHS. 6 more months till i’m set free from this cage that I live in, I just want to be set free. I fought hard for my depression I really did throughout the beginning of this year, I tried committing suicide 2 times already. My scars in my arm show how deeply hurt I was inside. My body is a cage that I can’t be let out. Mom/Dad, you both hold the key to this cage at the moment, I just need my mind to set free with my body. I feel so disconnected with my body at the moment. I know you both don’t accept me being transgender but please put yourself in my shoes for once. My mind is wired differently, I have a boy’s mind but a girl’s body. Do you know how that feels like, Do you know how it feels to not feel OK with your body. To look at the mirror and see a boy until you undress yourself and realize your not physically a boy. I used to cry every night because of this. It’s not about the surgeries I don’t care for surgeries, but what I do care about, and all I need right now to feel happy is your acceptance for me to go on testosterone. Before, you say anything I need you to know that I’ve have waited 365 days already, not counting 2014-2015. I need to feel happy, I need to feel like myself. You lost your little girl, Jocelyn, 5 years ago i’m not your daughter but your son and you need to know that, you need to grief because know that I was never your daughter and if I was, I was probably broken inside so hurt that I couldn’t even scream for help.  Embarrassed, Is that how you both feel knowing you raised a “defected kid”, think about me and how I feel knowing that my parents feel embarrass of me, I have feelings too. I just want you to be proud of me but everything I do I feel like it doesn’t make you both happy because at the end of the day, you both ask why am I not normal. Just let me be happy for once, I don’t want to cry right now, I need to feel happy. I need to know that you both can let me be on testosterone. You don’t know how much happiness this will give me. I tried many times to be “Jocelyn” but i’m not her, I wasn’t happy back then, please know that. I’m begging you mom and dad let me be happy and set me free from this hell I’m in. I promise you that I will do my best to help you but first help me, and save me from my own hell I live in....My Body. 

(via https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LOAPOzvmrFE)

I am a transgender teen who makes youtube video, this video is a bit personal but I have other videos a bit more cheery.

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