PIC my man took on my birthday, lol. I kind of actually like this one, will probably delete this shit.

Anyone know how to fix the problem I'm having with my curly hair of... Y'know it afro-ing out?

I used to cry to this song as a teenager, in my room, before my mom made me homeless. Or whenever I'd be able to sneak back into my house, I'd curl up under my favorite blanket skin and bones, and ugly sob, the video made me envious, dysphoric, jealous, I'd cry about the crush I had on this boy I was friends with, he was disgusting but sometimes showed me affection in secret, I imagined us getting married, my dress, stupid but I did it. I often hate myself, I often hate my life, my body, the rot puberty did to it, I remember knowing, knowing what was coming. I've known for a long time, what I am. But I earnestly thought, that maybe, if I was religious, if I prayed hard enough, and crossed my legs, and was ladylike, that god would realize his mistake, not only would he realize his mistake, but he would fix it. Not just sit upon his throne and laugh, laugh at the climate I would inherit, laugh at my stupid silly dreams, laugh at the agony I feel over not being able to be a mother.

I lost my faith in God in jr high, any faith I did have, I replaced it with drugs, because drugs made the pain numb, maybe they didn't always cover it up, but they numbed it.

And that was enough, and now here I am, I turn 24 on the 27th and I am more miserable than I have ever been, more miserable, more sad, than I have ever been. Well, no actually I'm not, I last felt just like this before I found painkillers, except now there are no pain killers, no little pills I can take to make it all go away. The dysphoria, the deep self hatred.

Now I'm just stuck, and sober. And sometimes I wish, I wish nobody had dragged my body to a hospital, I wish that lady had let me die on that sidewalk, in that bathroom, on the floor of my friend's house while he debated whether I was worth the Narcan.

Because now I feel damaged, feel ugly, uglier than I was before. But something tells me had I done none of my coping with substance, that I would still feel this way. And sometimes, sometimes I think, I will never get to be happy, I must believe reincarnation exists,

not like in a "oh i did something wrong i feel bad" way