i wish i hated you
Going back to being just friends would be much easier if you weren’t still in love with Euijoo.
MAINS. euijoo & foreigner!female reader
TROPES. college au, exes to lovers, hurt/comfort
WARNINGS. introspective, non-linear timeline, awkwardness, alcohol consumption, jealousy, skinship
WORDS. 12k
NOTES. merry xmas to everybody who celebrates! for @restlessmaknae with love ♡ just to be on brand, it’s once again angst with happy end
“We need to talk.”
Nothing good ever starts with that exact set of words but you refuse to flinch when Nicholas dumps his bag onto the desk beside you.
Trust Wang Yixiang to start your Friday dramatically at 9 freaking AM even before the class attendance call. Though, truth be told, he wouldn’t even be at such an early hour if it wasn’t for something. He usually needs a dozen alarms and two Americanos to function but now he seems almost vibrating. You wouldn’t be surprised if he didn’t even go to bed.
“Whatever it is, I’m not sure I’m awake enough for it,” you try to suppress a yawn when your Global Marketing Strategies professor walks into the lecture room in all her gloomy glory.
“Euijoo wants to opt out of the trip,” Nicholas hisses behind his laptop screen and now that’s sure enough to wake you up too.
“What?” You blink, expression morphing into a frown, pretending you didn’t hear him clearly.
“He says he will still pay for his part because he knows the guesthouse cannot be refunded but he won’t come with us. He even made a shitty excuse about doing summer readings for his thesis but we both know he’s never behind on anything,” the guy keeps muttering under his breath, clearly annoyed. You don’t blame him, it’s about his best friend after all. All eight of you were supposed to go on this holiday you have been planning since spring break and now, Euijoo wants to go against the plans.
You can barely focus for the rest of the class even though it’s the last revision before final exams. You fidget, fingers itching for your phone, re-writing multiple texts in your head. You haven’t talked with Euijoo in a month but you know exactly why Nico thinks that you are the only person who can convince him to change his mind: even if the Korean boy denies it or makes up stupid excuses, you are the reason why he made this call.
When it comes to Euijoo and you, everything started with Nicholas.
Studying abroad has always been a dream of yours, but it still felt unreal when you actually packed your bags and moved to Seoul for your International Marketing masters. The two-year program had quite a few foreigners like yourself and that’s how you met Nicholas and Lily. You bonded over shared struggles like how impossible it is to make a Korean bank account or the nuances of the language that still make you stumble upon your words during coffee shop orders. The Taiwanese guy completed his undergraduate studies at YX University too, so he had all these insider tips when you were just a newbie. He also had an established friend group already but it didn’t stop him from practically adopting the then-freshman Maki as a little brother at one of the international student events or dragging you along for proper Korean barbeque experience – his words, not yours. He seemed to know everyone on campus, so you didn’t expect to become actually close friends with such a social butterfly. Then he added you into a chaotic KakaoTalk group chat and it was a spontaneously planned bowling hangout that solidified your new diverse friend group.
And that’s also how you met Byun Euijoo.
At first he was just one of Nico’s many friends. A tall, broad shouldered, quiet presence. Kind in the way he bought drinks for everyone and remembered your preference the next time you met. Then, over shared looks, midnight phone calls, coffee dates and kisses under lamp posts, he became so much more. Until he became a stranger again. A stranger whose taste you could never forget.
You wait until you get back to the apartment you share with Lily and close yourself into your room. When you open your chat with Euijoo, the ominous text we need to talk is glaring at you like a warning sign, a sick sort of deja vu. Everything after that, deciding on a time and place, is clinical, like making an appointment to the dentist to get rid of a hurting tooth. Too bad the hurting hasn't stopped ever since.
You type and delete your message countless times. It’s always too polite or too blunt. Nothing is proper enough. How should somebody address the person they once thought was the one for them?
In the end, you settle on something short and straightforward, no bullshit, no sugarcoating.
you: nico told me
Euijoo’s reply is almost immediate, not even pretending to be confused about what you mean by that. As if he has been waiting.
juju: it’s better this way
At least he doesn’t lie. Not to you. He knows you wouldn’t buy the thesis excuse. You know better than anybody that he already had his topic approved and started working on his survey questions months ago.
you: for who? juju: everyone
You let out a scoff at his answer because after all this time, you know him well enough to expect this much. So predictable.
The problem with Euijoo is that he’s selfless to the core. He doesn’t know how to be selfish and it’s one of the things you fell in love with at first. But then it became one of the things that ruined you both.
you: if you don’t go, i won’t either, it’s only fair
Your phone, as expected, buzzes with an incoming call almost right away.
You let out a shaky breath as you let it ring just long enough to make sure your voice doesn’t break over hearing Euijoo after so long.
“You should go,” he says, sounding tired.
It’s the first time you have talked since the break up. Hearing his voice feels like listening to a song you used to love but now it breaks your heart.
“So should you,” you put your foot down and suddenly you’re back to square one, to the arguments that don’t have proper conclusions. Neither of you are confrontational people but stubborn enough and it’s probably the worst combination because you never had problems finding compromises, unless it was about something that actually mattered.
The silent stretches between one breath and another. You can almost imagine Euijoo in his room, head thrown back against the wall, a quiet sigh escaping his lips because he hates arguing with you as much as you.
“Look, there’s a reason why nobody invited us to the same events lately. Everybody has been so excited about this trip and I don’t want to make things awkward,” he says, tentatively, like he’s trying to uphold the peace that's already falling apart, but what he doesn’t realize is that your friends didn’t make those kinds of plans in consideration for themselves. They tried to give space to the two of you.
“You do realise that we will make it awkward for the others even if we aren’t there? The eight of us were supposed to go together. Will it be a bit weird to spend time together now? Sure, but it will be weird even if we aren’t there. They are our friends and they care about us, they want us to go,” you emphasize even if you can’t believe you have to spell this out for him. “Hell, if one of us has to bail, it should be me. You are Nico’s best friend.”
There’s only the static hum of electricity for a while. Euijoo doesn’t say anything, probably because he knows it would be in vain to convince you.
“Look, if you don’t want to come, that’s okay, everybody would understand but don’t make that decision because you think it would be better for others,” you tell him after a pause, quietly. Nibbling on your lower lip beneath your teeth then you add, softer: “We were friends before everything and I miss… hanging out with all of you.”
For a moment too long there’s silence and you think you said too much but then Euijoo hums.
“Me too,” he whispers and you let out a shaky breath you’ve been holding.
No one tells you what happens when you date a friend and then it doesn’t work out. It’s not a clean cut. It’s a tsunami.
It’s the once pinned chat sinking lower in your texting app getting buried under other one-on-ones. It’s biting your tongue when others still assume that you come as a package deal. It’s the dead silence after a joke Sungho makes not knowing any better and you can’t take it any longer.
“Actually… we broke up a few days ago.”
It’s Maki laughing, thinking it’s the joke of the century because he started dubbing Euijoo and you as his campus parents because of all the nagging he has to apparently endure just because the two of you tell him to eat properly and pay attention in classes.
It’s Sungho swiftly apologizing and Chaehyun immediately understanding why Euijoo didn’t join you for lunch.
It’s questions like: “But why? You guys were perfect together.”
“Not so perfect,” you mutter with bitterness on your tongue, appetite lost.
It’s your friends trying to give you space, cutting off themselves when they mention Euijoo, turning tentative when planning outings. They stop asking what exactly happened after a while, nobody takes a side and it’s good like this. It’s your business only, at least it should be, but it’s somehow almost like the entire friend group is a child of divorce.
You’re trying to navigate through the hectic Seoul station with one hand on your suitcase and your phone in the other, checking the group chat. You can’t seem to locate the Dunkin Donuts store Shinyu mentioned as a meeting point but before you could worry about being late because of getting lost in the middle of the train station, Lily grabs you by the elbow and steers you towards the platforms 4 to 7. Soon you spot Maki enthusiastically waving in your direction but it only takes a few more steps for your stomach to flip because you don’t see Euijoo anywhere near him. Chaehyun and Sungho are munching on bakery goods which Lily steals from while Shinyu is on his phone, probably trying to reach the others now that there’s less than 15 minutes until departure.
“We’re betting on whose bag will be the biggest. Do you think Nicholas will beat Sungho?” Maki leans closer to you, voice low and teasing, and you automatically turn to assess the bag situation. Maki with his duffel bag, Lily and Shinyu with backpacks, the rest of you with suitcases.
“Come on, somebody had to pack a medical kit!” Sungho points out defensively with a pout when he notices you watching and despite the lump in your throat you can’t help but laugh.
Nico shares a place with Euijoo, so if neither of them is here yet, maybe that means…
“Sorry, guys, Nico had a last minute packing emergency and couldn’t decide which sunglasses to bring.”
“Excuse me, I refuse to go to the beach with outdated fashion,” the guy in question clicks his tongue at the callout but as Sungho urges everybody to go to the platform, you catch the relief in his eyes when your gazes meet.
Euijoo is here. He really came.
In the rush to get to your assigned coach on the KTX, you can’t get a good look at him but when you’re about to haul your suitcase onto the overhead compartment, a hand brushes against yours and when you look up, it’s Euijoo’s soft brown eyes that look back at you.
“Let me,” he whispers and you let go, watching him lift your bag easily. You murmur a thanks and if your gaze lingers longer on the shadows under his eyes and at how long his fringe had gotten in front of his eyes since the last time you saw him, nobody mentions it. Euijoo sits on the cushioned seat next to his best friend and you get seated beside Lily too two rows behind them, trying to act like your heart didn’t just do a somersault in your chest.
In the seven months you were together, you were the happiest you have ever been.
Looking back it’s almost ironic that you were very against dating when you moved to Korea because staying isn’t guaranteed and you didn’t want to risk a long distance relationship playing out in the future, but then in the end your break up had nothing to do with the fact that your student visa expires at the end of your masters.
Euijoo never seemed to care about that either. He didn’t treat your relationship like it had a countdown just because of your uncertain future in his home country.
When he invited you over for Seollal to meet his family, you were hesitant at first. Not because you didn’t want to or because it was a too serious step. Sure, you were worried that your inadequacy in Korean culture would shine bad light on you and in consequence on him as well, but rather, more than anything, you were worried that you would get even more attached. Euijoo always talked about his family fondly, so you had no doubt that they were lovely people and you were right. They all welcomed you with open arms, kind words and just enough teasing that you knew they were happy for you. His parents seemed genuinely interested in your culture and his older sister felt like a sibling you never had. Even his grandma was patient when you were struggling with using the correct level of honorifics. You felt right at home and the feeling of belonging after such a short time was a bit scary.
“Hey, are you okay?” Euijoo touched your arm gingerly when you zoned out while rolling little balls of dough for dasik, traditional Korean tea cookies you admittedly hadn’t tried before.
“Yeah, I’m just… happy,” you admitted in a quiet sigh as you turned towards him, the corner of your mouth pulling up at the smudge of sesame seed powder on his cheek. You reached out to wipe it off with the back of your hand, feeling the heat of his skin against yours. Your boyfriend let out a small laugh, looking down, shy, but with the way his hand sneaked closer to hold yours under the table once you were dismissed from kitchen duties told you everything.
The first thing you notice when you step off the KTX train is the sharpness in the air. It’s still humid and the sunshine is a bit too warm on your shoulders but here the air has more room to breathe between buildings, so it’s less stuffy than the capital. It’s literally a breath of fresh air. Exactly what you needed after such a grueling exam week.
It’s still a 40 minutes bus ride until you reach the beach house you booked but with Chaehyun chatting your ears off about this new book series she’s reading, it goes by relatively fast. The streets get narrower from the bus stop to the house and halfway there you regret that you brought a suitcase because its wheels keep catching on something on the uneven ground. Still, you make sure not to show it because you wouldn’t want Euijoo to offer his help again. Not because it made you uncomfortable, rather because him doing such things made it hard to pretend that you moved on. You aren’t delusional to think you’re special though. You have always known that he’s a gentleman and that he would help any friend but still, it leaves a certain ache in your chest.
Despite the confusing little streets, Sungho manages to navigate straight to the house and then comes the complimentary impromptu escape room experience trying to get the keys from the postbox with numeric lock. Safe to say, all of you are relieved when you’re finally inside the air-conditioned house.
“Rock, paper, scissors. The losers go and get groceries for dinner,” Nicholas, the menace he is, announces the moment everybody is settled. Groans and half-hearted protests follow but eventually everybody stands in a circle to play the game that seems to be Koreans’ go-to method of making choices.
Luck today is apparently not on your side. Or Maki’s. But admittedly it’s not the worst combo. You will stop him from making impulse purchases and putting too many boxes of chips into the cart while he can help you decide when you’re stuck choosing between two almost identical brands. Maki is sighing as if it’s the worst thing that happened to him lately but he doesn’t complain as you pull him towards the door.
“You know, I’m glad both of you came,” he says after a few steps and it’s the first time anybody other than Nicholas addressed the delicate situation with you and Euijoo both on the trip.
“Yeah, me too,” you let a smile show, small but sincere even if you feel like you have to re-learn how to exist beside your ex-boyfriend as just friends.
You barely round the corner when the sound of approaching footsteps makes you look back only to find Euijoo catching up with you, his hair windswept and eyes narrowed in the harsh sunlight. You’re too surprised by his sudden appearance, so it’s Maki who voices out his surprise:
“What are you doing?”
“I’m coming with you in case you need an extra hand,” Euijoo explains as if it wasn’t weird but that’s probably just another of his endless kindness traits or his way of trying to pretend you aren’t tiptoeing around each other, so you don’t argue.
“The more people, the less we have to carry,” you hum agreeable when you catch his hesitant eyes on you.
Shopping together is awfully domestic. It’s not that much of a surprise that the last six weeks of radio silence didn’t manage to outrule the habits you have grown over the time you were together but it’s still something you’re very much aware of. Even though you have never lived together, the two of you are very practiced in shopping together, so Maki has nothing to do except for pushing and guarding the cart while the two of you distribute what to get and discuss options. You don’t say anything when you see Euijoo bring some of your favourite snacks too with the protein bars Sungho asked for and the potato chips Nico likes. He’s an attentive person, whenever he brought you food, he always remembered and considered your low spice tolerance, so it doesn’t come as a surprise, but still it feels different now. As if it’s something you’re not deserving of anymore after breaking his heart.
Dinner is a loud affair.
Sungho and Euijoo are grilling the meat in the garden, Shinyu’s in charge of the ramen, you and Chaehyun take care of the side dishes while the others set up the pull out table, or at least they are supposed to but it sounds more like they are playing games. Or doing impromptu karaoke. You can never be sure with them.
Once you’re all seated and eating, talking about summer plans, exam nightmares and everything that comes to mind, you let yourself enjoy the moment. Up until that point you didn’t even realize how much you have been worried and waiting for the other shoe to drop, for somebody to say something, for silence to settle uncomfortably, but it doesn’t happen. Even if you can see the question in Lily’s eyes when Euijoo puts extra meat on your plate without asking, nobody says anything. They don’t push, they don’t ask about it and that probably helps Euijoo relax as well. It’s almost like it was before except for the careful looks and the way you never touch.
Contrary to popular opinion shared by Nicholas, you and Euijoo had been subtle. When you told your friends about your relationship status after a month of getting together, everybody was shocked. Not because you were such an unlikely pair but because you weren’t obvious about something shifting between you. It helped that both of you are more private people. You have never been big on PDA but it was clear that you gravitated towards each other. Maki joked that he was blind for not noticing it earlier. The way Euijoo helped with your hair stuck in your scarf, or how you often sat beside him, shoulders brushing when you whispered among yourselves.
But it was only when it was just the two of you together when you nuzzled close to his chest and his fingers played with your hair, when you tiptoed to peck him on his lips before leaving or squished his cheeks in cuteness aggression, and when he enveloped you in those big warm hugs that made the world instantly feel like a better place.
The rooming arrangement was an easy feat when you booked the four double rooms. Nico and Maki, Sungho and Shinyu, Lily and Chaehyun, Euijoo and you. Well, now that doesn’t sound too convenient for obvious reasons and everybody seems to know, so when it comes to the bedroom draw, you can feel the hesitation lingering in the air, everybody waiting for somebody to point at the elephant in the room.
“Y/N can sleep with us,” Lily offers at the same time Euijoo goes:
“I will sleep on the couch in the living room.”
His offer doesn’t sit well with you but you don’t want to argue. You know it wouldn’t make any difference because he’s the type of person who only feels right if he can give up on something.
Such a Byun Euijoo thing: taking on more, enduring more, not saying anything, not even when it breaks him. He has always been good at sacrificing himself, keeping silent when it hurt. Loving him taught you that being selfless can be a virtue but a curse too. It was sweet in the beginning, him always going along with your decisions, saying that it didn’t matter to him, just so you would choose. It was harmless at first, deciding on what to eat or which movie to watch. But then he rejected an amazing summer internship offer without asking you first, without telling you about it, just because it was far and he didn’t want to spend the summer away from you. You had to get to know about it from Nicholas and immediately felt guilty because you didn’t want him to pass on opportunities like this because of you. You didn’t want to become the reason why he had regrets later. Then it happened again and again, with things like missing his favourite band’s concert because you got sick or insisting on date night when he was already exhausted from academics and his TA responsibilities.
The thing is you didn't break up because you stopped loving him. You did it hoping then he would start choosing himself because you couldn’t watch him wear himself out. But apparently you didn’t have to be together for him to choose your comfort over his.
“Okay,” you nod, not wanting to make a scene. You owe him at least this. “Are we doing the ladder game or what?”
It helps break the tension because the game gets intense quickly. There are literally no stakes because all the rooms are basically the same just with different designs, but Maki and Nico make it seem way too serious. Later when you’re all alone in your flower-patterned room, staring up at the ceiling, you can’t help but wonder what it would be like if you were still together with Euijoo, if he was there with you, his arms around you and his heartbeat an echo in your ears. You drift to sleep wondering whether he’s also lying wide awake a floor down, thinking about the same.
You have always been a naturally early riser. You’re the type of person whose biological clock doesn’t care about weekends or long travel days, you’re up early anyways. You don’t usually mind because it gives you a chance for a productive morning but on a vacation with friends where most of them are night owls, it’s a bit inconvenient. You try not to make too much noise as you tiptoe down the stairs but the creaky wood doesn’t really help your case. The house is quiet and a bit cold, so you shiver in your sleep shorts as you slip into the kitchen barefeet. After putting water in the kettle, you slip onto the counter, dangling your legs while waiting for it to boil. You don’t expect anybody to join you anytime soon, so you look up surprised when the sound of shuffling feet comes from outside. Soon enough a sleepy looking Euijoo walks into the kitchen and freezes in his step when he spots you.
“Oh,” he mumbles, rubbing his eyes and running a hand through his bedhair that only makes it messier.
“Sorry. Did I wake you?” You bite into your lower lip, uncertain what to do with the situation.
“No, I–” Euijoo breaks off, still stiff near the doorframe, maintaining a decent distance between the two of you. Yet, you can’t help but notice how soft he looks like this: half awake, cheeks puffy and sunlit brown stands in his eyes. His arm is covered with imprints from the couch and the amount of bare skin uncovered by his tank top is enough to make you avert your eyes. “I just needed a drink.”
You hum quietly in acknowledgement but when he steps closer to the counter where you sit you feel your breathing becoming more shallow from his closeness. He’s not even touching you but after a month of not even seeing him, even this much feels too much suddenly. The day before was different. You were surrounded by your friends and even if your clothes brushed when you passed by each other, their presence was enough of a buffer to play it off but now that it’s just the two of you, so you can’t ignore it. The way the sleep-warmth radiating off his body almost burns you from a step away.
“Uhm, sorry?” Euijoo mutters and you blink at him, confused, only to realize that you’re literally sitting in front of the cabinet.
“Oh, my bad,” you force a chuckle as you hop off the counter but as clumsy as you are, you severely miscalculate the landing. The moment your feet touch the smooth linoleum, you almost knock into your ex-boyfriend’s chest and it’s his gentle hand on the small of your back that helps you regain your balance.
“You good?” He asks, fingers twitching against your body like he doesn’t want to touch you but can’t quite let go either.
“Yeah, I’m fine,” you splutter out the reassurement and hastily turn around to keep your hands busy. You take two mugs from the cabinet before Euijoo could and open the instant coffee powder you bought yesterday. It’s auto-pilot, the way you put the exact spoonful into each mug just like you used to when you were together and stayed over at his. You didn’t even like the taste of caffeine until you met him, then he kept buying you banana milk to pour over coffee and now you’re addicted. Or maybe it’s just because of him and the way you used to taste americano on his lips in the mornings.
“Was the couch comfortable?” You blurt out in a weak attempt for small talk when you realize what you’re doing but it would be too awkward to stop in the middle, so you keep pushing on as you slide one of the mugs closer to him and open the fridge for your flavored milk.
“What? Oh yeah, it was okay,” Euijoo mumbles, clearly startled. You sneak a glance at him as he’s mindlessly reaching up and pressing into the muscle behind his shoulder, so you know he’s lying but don’t point it out.
The awkward silence lingers like smoke and it’s broken only when Chaehyun cheerfully sways into the kitchen and starts making herself green tea with the remaining hot water.
It seems fitting to spend the first full day in the beach town down by the sea.
It’s midday by the time everybody wakes up and gets ready to leave, so the beach is already busy when you arrive. Children running around or playing with the sand, youngsters in the water splashing it everywhere, fussy parents passing around sunscreen and covering up bare skin. There’s fresh wind in your face and the taste of tangerine juice on your tongue from a stand nearby that you enjoy in the shadow provided by the parasol.
You have never gone swimming with Euijoo. The closest thing to it was visiting a jjimilbang, a traditional bathhouse, because the Korean part of the friend group insisted it’s a must authentic experience. But back then everybody wore those unflattering brown colored oversized shirts, funny towels on head and sweat a lot in the sauna. It was just fun and nothing serious. The beach is fun too but it’s definitely different.
You might not care about Nico throwing his tee off carelessly before diving into the cold water or how Sungho’s crop top shows off his midriff as he assorts the picnic snacks you prepared beforehand, but it definitely doesn’t go unnoticed by you how Euijoo’s skin-tight swim shirt sticks to his broad shoulders as he emerges from the sea after an attack from Maki.
“Don’t make it so obvious.”
You startle when Lily mutters under her breath beside you. She’s lying on her stomach, reading an English book that’s definitely not categorized as an easy beach read, and apparently in the middle of it she keeps an eye on you.
“I’m not,” you mumble, sulking for getting caught red-handed. You hide your pout behind your drink and fix your sunglasses.
“I’m just saying. It can come off confusing if he catches you staring,” your best friend hums and you know that she’s right, that you shouldn’t make such amateur mistakes with your ex in sight.
Especially because you promised yourself you wouldn’t make it weird. Euijoo agreed to come to this trip eventually and you don’t want him or any of you to regret it. You wanted to prove that you could still be good friends. But you didn’t expect it to be so hard for your body to unlearn its instinct when it came to him. Maybe you leaving his place silently crying wasn’t the closure you needed to move on.
You force yourself not to dwell over things that won’t change as you help Chaehyun put on sunscreen and then join the guys playing beach volleyball. It’s nice, just hanging out and laughing over trivial matters without a care in the world. It’s been a while since you felt as carefree as you are while you’re arguing about the best ice cream flavors with Maki or teasing Shinyu about that cute girl in his art class who asked for his number. It’s in the middle of dinner at one of the tucked away local bistros when your gaze meets Euijoo’s over the table and your smile falters for a moment, the ache in your chest hurting like phantom pain, but then he smiles, small but genuine, and for once, you believe that maybe, it will be alright.
Sunlit beach visits, dripping ice cream, karaoke nights and barbeque. Days blur together until only a handful is left of your vacation. You’re already missing these days because the friend group will scatter around the world for the rest of the summer.
The bar visit is Nico’s idea. Of course it is. The rustic establishment he found during one of the grocery runs down the shore is having live music on Friday nights, so you all agree to go. He also insists on doing fit checks to make sure nobody embarrasses him – he’s joking, of course, but still, you let him shuffle through your outfits and put on the white dress he chooses. It’s a simple, loose one, the sea breeze makes the long skirt part dance as you leave the house. You have put a thin knit cardigan over your shoulders to cover up a bit against the night chills but you still feel somewhat bare when Euijoo’s gaze settles on you.
He’s listening to Shinyu’s story as they walk out of the gate, then his movements slow and his eyes rake over your figure. There’s nothing heavy about it, it’s not the kind of stare that makes a girl uncomfortable. It’s quiet appreciation in soft brown eyes, the type you recognize from date nights when he complimented you on being pretty. He averts his eyes when he notices you looking but you can see the way his ears redden and you have to bite your lip to suppress a smile. He looks good too, of course, you would admit it to anybody who asked. The way his white shirt is tucked into his light blue jeans highlight the gorgeous ratio of his slim waist and wide shoulders. You have always thought that he has the build of a model but your favorite features of his are his cheeks and gentle eyes.
You’re the first to look away when you realize you have been staring for too long. Hooking arms with Chaehyun, the group starts walking down the beach towards the illuminated bar.
The distinct sound of bass resonates through the walls by the time you arrive and order the first round of drinks. You’re not much of a drinker, so you’re mostly just sipping on your sweet cocktail while talking over the music in one corner. You really get into a heated discussion with Sungho about cult classic movies, then when he gets up to get more snacks for the table, Nicholas slips next to you. But it would have been too easy if he just took the now empty space that once was Sungho’s, no he has to squeeze himself between you and the edge of the couch giving you no choice to slide further right until your shoulder brushes somebody else’s. It’s the hint of pine trees and citrus that first registers into your brain, then big brown eyes when you turn that way.
The moment stills and stretches, the music in the background slows and fades. It’s so cliché, so ridiculous, to feel this affected by something like this when you’re pressed up against Nicholas the same way on your other side and it does nothing to your heart. The heart that’s busy stumbling over itself in your chest just from the way Euijoo is looking at you. Hesitance laced with warmth and something deeper, something that hurts.
There are impatient fingers drumming on your knees and suddenly the music is rushing back loud. Nico is saying something about the new band on the stage but you can barely pay attention. Next to you Euijoo is talking with Shinyu in a quiet and calm voice, his arm is still brushing against yours and it sends a shiver down your spine.
“I need another drink,” you stand up abruptly, cutting off Nicholas effectively. He doesn’t seem to mind, eagerly taking the opportunity to ask for a new drink too.
You don’t dare to look back as you elbow your way through the crowd to the counter and ask for a virgin mojito for yourself and something with strawberry syrup for Nico. You’re actively trying not to overthink your way too obvious behaviour while waiting at the counter when somebody slides into the barstool next to you. You expect it to be one of your friends, maybe Maki, to tease you about your unsubtleness but it’s an unfamiliar face that greets you when you look up. The boy seems to be your age if not a bit younger and he has dimples when he smiles. You avert your eyes, fidgeting with the plastic menu on the counter.
“Are you here alone?” The stranger asks, curious, not pushy, but there’s something forced in the smile you answer.
“I’m actually with my friends,” you vaguely wave in the direction of your table while looking apologetically at the guy. The others probably wouldn’t mind if you got held back but you didn’t come here to hookup or anything like that, so it’s only fair. Luckily, the stranger doesn’t take it badly.
“Well, have fun then and if you get bored, maybe come find me.”
“Noted,” you nod, appreciating the interest and politeness even though you know you won’t look for him. “Thanks.”
You’re balancing the two glasses in your hands as you’re walking back to the corner table, plopping down beside your roommate after handing Nico his pink drink.
“Why didn’t you go for it?” Maki nudges your shoulder and before you could react outright in shock, Lily does much more nonchalantly instead of you.
“I mean… yeah, he was cute,” she shrugs, which Maki takes as all the approval he needs to play matchmaker, so you push salted peanuts into his mouth before he could say anything else. You should have known they would watch over you from a distance and analyze your 10 seconds interaction with a random stranger.
“Well, you can have him. He’s not my type,” you mutter, hoping to get the two of them off your back.
Sure, the stranger was handsome and seemed nice but admittedly, he wasn’t Euijoo. It’s an unfair criteria but you start to accept the fact that you’ve never really moved on. You know your best friend also has a feeling, that’s why she asked before the trip whether you were sure you were ready to see your ex again with such a concerned look in her eyes. You told her you were a hundred percent sure because you thought you were and while spending time together with Euijoo is less and less awkward as long as you are surrounded by your friends, his presence also stirs buried feelings in you. They were easy to ignore while you avoided each other like plague but now they are back full force.
Luckily for you, Maki just laughs off your defensiveness and the topic shifts to his busy summer travelling back and forth between Asia and Europe. You stick close to them because it’s easy and familiar and the English words on your tongue don’t remind you of a certain Korean boy.
The night continues in a good mood, the tension slowly easing up in your stomach. At one point Nicholas with his infamously low alcohol tolerance gets colorful shots and half of the group gets tipsy fast after. Not drunk enough to cause trouble but speech slurred and touches clingy. Usually it would be enough for Euijoo to keep watch and stay alert. Him and Sungho are the type to make sure everybody gets home safe after a drinking night. But apparently not tonight. Tonight, Euijoo is slumped against Shinyu with rosy cheeks, a dopey half-smile on his face, and he hines when Sungho calls it for a night.
“I never thought I would live to see the day when Euijoo is drunk,” Chaehyun murmurs and even though you don’t voice it out, you agree. It’s out of character for him. Always collected, always responsible Euijoo now has a hard time walking straight when you’re going back to the beach house.
You try not to care too much while trying to make sure Lily doesn’t fall and twist her ankle but it’s hard not to. You know you have no right anymore but you still care, still worry. So when you’re back at the guest house and Euijoo slumps down on the couch, closing his eyes like he’s about to slip into a dream just like that, your heart aches. It’s just another proof of how out of it he is, otherwise he would never go to bed in his jeans.
You look around and see nobody on the ground floor. You can hear Maki and Nico bicker in English and the water running on the upper floor. You take a tentative step towards Euijoo and quietly call his name. He hums, enough to know that he’s still somewhat awake.
“Hey, you should take a shower. You will feel more comfortable,” you tell him, gently, coaxing, and when Euijoo doesn’t answer, you reach out to brush his fringe away from his face.
Slowly he opens his eyes, glazed pupils focusing on you in the dark. He looks at you like he isn’t sure you’re real.
It reminds you of the time he got sick during winter and he pretended to be fine because when it’s him who suffers he wants to bear its weight alone. Even when he was bedridden with fever, he told you it was nothing to worry about and that you shouldn’t visit him to avoid catching it too. You had no idea how bad it was until you arrived with hot soup and found him in bed, sweaty and in pain.
The memory has another knife lodged into your chest and you let out a shaky breath as you pull back your hand. Or well, you try to, but Euijoo’s fingers gently wrap around your wrist keeping it in place. The warmth sweeping through the skin-to-skin contact has you burning. You can’t help the hitch in your breathing when he lifts his other hand and tucks a messy lock behind your ear.
He calls your name like it's sacred and you hold your breath like anything more could break the moment. You aren’t sure how much of this is from the alcohol. Whether he could still look at you like this sober despite having his heart broken by you. Whether he knew you broke both of yours that day.
You flinch away when you hear the wooden staircase creak behind you and once you’re straightened up, you see Sungho peeking in.
“Everything good?” He asks, concern lacing his words as his gaze drifts from his friend to you.
“Yeah, I’m just trying to get him to shower before sleeping.”
“I will take it over. You should get some rest too,” Sungho says and you don’t argue. You just wish him a good night before disappearing upstairs, not looking back to see if Euijoo’s eyes followed you or not.
Admittedly, you can’t really sleep well. You’re up early and restless. You didn’t drink enough to feel its effects but you’re still groggy. You’re in bed, scrolling mindlessly on your phone when Shinyu writes in the group chat asking if anybody is up to go to the market with him for hungover soup ingredients. You grab onto the chance to do something and be out of the house. Hangover soup (or at least this kind) is not a thing in your home country but the ingredients Shinyu lists off are familiar. The market is lively and while you cannot haggle for your life, the ahjummas find it cute that you’re trying to communicate in their language despite their thicker dialects.
The whole experience reminds you of Seollal and the market you visited with Euijoo’s grandmother when you were over for the holidays. Back then the old ladies at the stalls praised halmeoni for having a pretty granddaughter-in-law, now they tease you for having ‘such a handsome boyfriend’ while pointing at Shinyu a few stalls away. It’s harmless, you know, so you force a smile yet you can’t help but wonder how it would be if things were alright between you and Euijoo. He would flush pretty pink at compliments like this, head bowed, smile hidden. You would coax him to look at you and steal a kiss.
The house is still quiet when you get back and start working on the soup. Sungho and Chaehyun join soon enough but what surprises you is that Euijoo barely stirs in the meantime on the couch. You put a glass of water and painkiller on the coffee table within reach for him but you pretend you’re not lingering around for too long. Just how you pretend so many things these days.
“Hey,” Nicholas pokes his head into the room you occupy alone later in the afternoon, during chill time.
“Hey,” you echo, looking up from your book.
He looks much better than when you last saw him at lunch nursing some ginger tea and a look of regret. But now it looks like he mostly got over his hangover.
“Can we talk?” Nico breaches the topic tentatively and you already have a feeling what he wants to talk about before he says it. “About Euijoo.”
“Sure,” you nod and put the book down, fixing your posture as you sit up against the headboard.
Nicholas closes the door behind him before he approaches you, settling down on the edge of the bed. He is not the type of person who hesitates, who rehearses what they should say or how, so his hesitance makes you admittedly nervous.
“I’m really glad both of you came to this trip, I really am, but yesterday… I have never seen Juju like that,” he says with a tinge of concern in his voice.
You get where his worries come from, you also get why he’s so conflicted. He was the one who introduced you two back then, he was the number one hypeman when he learned that you have feelings for his ‘emotionally repressed’ best friend. In a way he probably feels just as guilty about the fallout as you are.
“Yeah, me neither,” you agree because it was very unlike Euijoo to get so out of it. “Maybe it was too soon, this trip with all of us.”
“Maybe or… I can’t tell you what he told me but–” Nico cuts himself off and your pulse jumps nevertheless at the implication that they talked about you, that there was something to say. “I just don't think he moved on.”
“And you think I did?” You let out a humorless laugh at the carefully worded comment.
Does it look easy to you? Are you that good of an actress? Euijoo is still there in the back of your mind whatever you do. His presence haunts you whenever you open your phone gallery and see the folder you can’t make yourself to delete. Or the way your heart jumps whenever you see him.
“Then why did you break up with him?” Nicholas wonders aloud, frowning, for the first time since it all went downhill. He never really asked, probably out of consideration, and based on his reaction Euijoo didn’t tell him the exact reason either. It was an amicable break up, that’s what you told everybody as if it was supposed to make it easier. But you learned that cutting something off when the feelings are still there hurts more.
“Because it was starting to become something that wasn’t good for either of us,” Then much quieter, like a confession, you add: “Not because I stopped loving him.”
Saying it out loud is another kind of sad. It turns even Nico’s confused expression into something emphatic. His usually sharp eyes soften as breathes out a little oh sound.
You hang your head down, drawing mindless figures into the sheets beneath you as if it had all the answers you need.
“It would be so much easier if he gave me a reason to hate him. Or if he hated me for breaking up with him,” you mutter, a wishful thinking.
“That’s not how it works,” Nicholas pats you on the knee, a little act of sympathy. You both know that Euijoo is too tender-hearted to hate anybody over something like that. He probably blames himself, instead of you even if you preferred if he didn’t. “Maybe the two of you should talk. You know, for closure.”
You hum non-commitally because you don’t really think you have the right to do that, not after one-sidedly calling the end.
You have always been way too independent for your own good. You like to plan out everything yourself and when new variables get into the mix, it throws you off. Maybe the problem is exactly that Euijoo is the same. He’s the kindest person you have ever met and his care extends towards all his surroundings. He’s kind to strangers on the streets, ajhussis with cardboard collector carts, ahjummas at the convenience stores and confused tourists using the T-money top up machines for the first time. At the same time he’s very disciplined, a loyal friend and somebody who can always be relied on. It might be Nicholas whose extroverted self brought you all together but you firmly believe that it’s partially thanks to Euijoo that the friend group is as close as it is. He’s always ready to compromise, to solve problems, to mediate arguments. He has always been the grounding point but lately he has been slipping.
He forgot things, only scrambled to act on promises when his reminder alarm went off, sacrificed more sleep to get things done and still he didn’t say no, still didn’t ask. for help. You started cancelling on date nights to give him more time to rest or claimed that you were tired and just wanted to hang out at his place even if Nico was there. You texted him reminders to not forget to eat or sleep. You really tried to be understanding but when you hear that he took on more shifts at the university library where he volunteered just because one of the other students wanted to focus more on their assignments, you got angry and that’s how the arguments started. Not with yelling or bitterness. But with your worry growing into frustration and Euijoo’s inability to admit that he was overworking himself.
It started with you showing up unannounced at his door, him only a shell of himself, weighted down by responsibility and diligence, before forcing a smile onto his lips. “Oh, hey.”
You could see the exhaustion etched into his features but he didn’t send you away. He never did. Instead he was already crouching down to get the slippers bought only for you. Just another reminder of the things he did for you without being asked.
“Maki told me about the library shifts. Are you sure it’s a good idea? You already have a lot on your plate,” you skipped the greetings since you were already running high on adrenalin, which in retrospect wasn’t your best decision. But there you were, straight to the point, not beating around the bush as you slipped inside, toeing off your shoes.
Euijoo didn’t seem surprised that you got to know the news through a friend or that you showed up at his place over something like this, not based on that tired shrug of his shoulders.
“They can’t find a new person this late in the semester,” he explained and probably to avoid your eyes and seem more put together, he hastily started collecting the piling up coffee cups from his desk.
“I get that but why does it have to be you?” You stared, unflinching, at his back, the words you have been holding back for weeks in hopes of it all just being temporary now surfacing. “You’re always exhausted lately. You barely sleep. You don’t eat properly. I don’t even know when was the last time we went out on a date.”
The moment the last bit of it slipped out, you winced. You sounded like a whiny girlfriend who needed constant attention despite knowing how busy her boyfriend was. But honestly, your dates were the least of your problems. You were more worried about his well-being than anything.
“It’s just a few more weeks,” Euijoo sighed, resigned, like it was already decided, like it was as easy as disposing of those plastic cups in the recycling bin in the corner of his kitchen.
“Or less if you burn yourself out,” you muttered under your breath but loud enough for him to hear. Still, the answer was only defeating silence and you felt helpless, a good-for-nothing girlfriend. You struggled to find words at this point, your Korean vocabulary not quite adequate enough for this topic.
You could see the tension in your boyfriend’s shoulder even from behind but he didn’t answer. You had no idea what was going on in his head.
Tentatively, you took a step towards him and then another. Then when he didn’t move from his place in front of the kitchen counter, you circled your arms around his waist, molding yourself against his back.
“I just want you to be okay,” you whispered, softer, hoping you would get across the sentiment as you closed your eyes, feeling his heartbeat against your palm. “It’s okay to ask for help if it’s too much.”
Euijoo let out a long breath and slid his hand over yours.
But the problem was that Euijoo never knew how to ask for help. He always jumped to help out anybody but it was almost like he didn’t think he was deserving of any even though nobody expected him to be always so put together. It was only his own expectations that told him that.
After that time you could tell that he was trying. He put time aside for friend get-togethers and took you out for dessert but you couldn’t stop worrying over his crazy sleep schedule and endless responsibilities he took up on. Both of you were stressed that one time when you went over with a surprise dinner for a much needed hug and he took it in a bad way, thinking you were fussing over him as if he couldn’t take care of himself.
“I’m just worried about you,” you spelled out the obvious and it was enough to make him snap.
“I never asked you to do that!”
It was the first time Euijoo ever raised his voice at you and you couldn’t help the way you flinched. Not because you feared he would get physical, you would never be afraid of that, but because it took you back so much. You have never heard him like that.
“You didn't have to,” you mumbled, mostly to yourself, and grabbed your bag to leave.
I love you, you wanted to shout. I love you and it’s killing me to see you like this.
You didn’t even reach the door before Euijoo caught up with you, whispering apologies into your shoulders as he enveloped you into his arms like you were something fragile.
You had numerous sleepless nights before you sent him that text to talk. By then you thought both of you knew it was coming. Both of you were tired and hurt, and you didn’t want things to escalate to the point where you start hating each other.
“So… this is it?” Euijoo asked, his voice strained and eyes heavy with something you couldn’t name. He kept his distance like he was afraid of touching you and you were glad he did because you weren’t sure you wouldn’t have broken down if he came any closer.
“I’m sorry,” your own voice pitched higher than usual as you tried desperately to keep back your sobs and maybe the worst was that Euijoo looked at you like he understood. Like he knew exactly what you felt.
“Me too.”
There was no yelling even then, no hatred, no desperation. Just two people letting go.
Despite Nico’s suggestion, you haven’t talked with Euijoo since that bar night. The two of you didn’t have the privacy to do so to begin with and it was an easy excuse to use, too. It’s not like you are hostile towards each other or more awkward than before, but there’s clearly something lingering there, you can feel it in the air every time you lock eyes with him across the table.
Nevertheless, Euijoo seems to have a great time on the trip. It’s nice to see him play him carefreely with the others, be it Fifa with Sungho or beach volleyball, or just talk animatedly about something. It’s times like that when you miss spending time with him, not even romantically, just with him as a friend, but you don’t want to mess up this fragile peace you have by pushing for more.
It’s ironic, really, the way jealousy and regret creeps up on you. Almost laughable how these ugly feelings seem to choke you and it only takes a pretty girl talking to your ex-boyfriend down at the beach. He’s not even alone, Nicholas is with him, and yet, you can’t help but notice the girl batting her eyelashes at Euijoo before shyly looking away. The worst thing is that you can’t even blame her. Euijoo is handsome and effortlessly charming, it’s easy to fall for him.
“He was jealous, too. Back at the bar,” Maki says nonchalantly between two sips of his fruity drink and Lily slaps him on his shoulder as she looks up from her new beach read.
“What?” You stare at them as you force your gaze away from the sore sight, totally forgetting to deny your jealousy.
“When that guy walked up to you. Euijoo downed his entire drink right after,” your best friend explains with the kind of look in her eyes that makes you feel a bit pitiful. So you are really that obvious, huh?
“Be honest, do you guys think it was stupid to break up with how we act?” You look from one of your friends to the other because you’re sure they have more thoughts than what they let on. The only reason they are not sharing them is because they want to be respectful of your decision. But it doesn’t mean they agree with it.
“Only you two know if it was the right decision or not, but… if you ask me, I think you were happier when you were together,” Lily says kindly, carefully, and it’s an overwhelming feeling to know that no matter how hard you have tried to act fine ever since the break up, your friends could see right through you.
“I think I need some time alone,” you mutter before pushing yourself up to stand. Despite the clear concern in their eyes nobody tries to stop you, so you walk down the long span of sandy beach until your thoughts are less of a ragged glass maze that’s too dangerous to approach.
By the time you get back to the parasol, your friend group has non-ceremonically occupied, everybody is fussing over Shinyu who managed to step into broken glass on the beach.
“See? I told you, guys, that we would need the emergency kit,” Sungho preaches as everybody migrates back to the guesthouse, the two tallest guys supporting Shinyu, so he wouldn’t need to put pressure on his injured leg. Luckily, it’s just a surface injury, so the boy doesn’t need to miss out on the evening plans.
It’s the last full day of your trip, so Nico and Maki buy sparklers and Chaehyun whips out her polaroid camera when you head down to a more secluded part of the shore around sunset. Beer and carbonated drinks are passed around as you share blankets and pose for pictures.
It’s probably because of how attuned you are when it comes to anything Euijoo-related but you notice his absence before anybody could point it out. The last bit of Sun is still visible on the horizon in its bleeding glory but the beach is lit golden by the fairy lights and sparkles. You spot him a bit farther from the group, sitting close to where the sea was washing up the beach, his burning sparkler stuck into the sand an arm-length from him.
Despite how much he thrives when he’s helping people, Euijoo is an introvert to the core. He gets overwhelmed and tired in crowds, so he probably just wanted a breather away from the loud chaos of your friends. Watching him stare at the ocean, the realization that it’s the last night registers in you once again. After this, who knows when you will be able to spend time like this together. It might be months, especially since Sungho just told you about his internship.
It’s not even a conscious decision, not really, to walk up to him but by the time you realize what you’re doing, you’re only a few steps away. When you get close enough, he glances at you and his eyes soften, you can tell that much even in the dim light.
“Hi,” you greet him quietly, sort of awkwardly lingering around him, holding out a bottle of tangerine juice as a peace offering for disturbing his peace.
“Hi,” he echoes with the same sort of hesitance but he doesn’t seem to mind when you sit down onto the sand next to him. He takes the juice bottle and clinks it with yours before unscrewing the lid.
You sit close enough to feel his body heat and the faint smell of his aftershave, but there is no point of your bodies that touch. The evening breeze dresses your skin with goosebumps but you refuse to shiver as you’re looking out on the waves.
So close yet so far away.
Euijoo has always been untouchable in a way, even when you were together. At first you thought it must have been the cultural differences or simply a communication issue because your Korean wasn’t good enough to get the nuances (who would have thought that learning textbook Korean five days a week doesn’t exactly teach you navigating a relationship) but with time you realized that it was rather an Euijoo thing. Vulnerability is something that doesn’t come naturally to him.
“I heard you will be starting your internship next week,” you break the silence slowly, fingers dancing on the rim of the can in your hand.
You keep your tone careful because it was one of the things that made your relationship fall apart with your differing opinions. You aren't sure what kind of reaction to expect but Euijoo doesn’t seem to mind the topic.
“Yeah. I found one in Goyang,” he hums. He sounds content, which is a relief.
“That’s great, I’m glad,” you smile genuinely. His family lives there, after all. You’re sure it will be good for him.
Euijoo hesitates. You can tell by the way his movements still and he stares at one point ahead.
“I still don’t regret rejecting the Busan one though,” he says in a low voice, like it’s a secret or a thinly veiled confession. Something fragile and dangerous.
There’s a lot left unsaid there. You can tell it's not just about the job offer anymore. For the first time since that day you walked out of his place, he brings up something that made you feel undeserving of his selfless love, the way he would have given up on an opportunity like that just to be by your side.
“Euijoo…”
“I’m just saying,” he shrugs, playing it down, cutting off whatever protest was on the tip of your tongue, but he’s no less genuine when he continues: “For me, choosing you has never been something I would ever regret.”
You feel your breath hitching, and you have to press a hand down on your chest as if that could help your ribs contain your heart’s irregular beats. It almost hurts to be loved like this, so devotedly, so unconditionally.
Somewhere in the exes’ handbook you never got there must be a clause saying that he’s not anymore allowed to say things like it. Suddenly you don’t care though. Apparently, you aren’t really good at this civil, moved on exes thing anyways.
“I would have gone with you if you asked. To Busan, to wherever. As long as it’s with you,” you whisper, honest. If you’re about to bare your hearts you might as well tell him. He might give up on a job to stay but you would give up on staying to follow him. He only would have had to ask, really.
You fidget with the strap of your dress and watch the last of the sparklers in the sand burn out. Darkness envelops you all at once and it brings a sudden cold that makes you shiver. Euijoo moves without any hesitation to shrug off his second layer and cover your shoulders with the sweater. Immediately you’re surrounded by the scent of pine trees and something sweet, so characteristically him that it chokes you up. It’s so achingly familiar that it brings tears to your eyes.
You try to be subtle about it (you have no right to cry over something like this after all) but as attentive as he is, of course Euijoo notices your sniffles.
“Hey,” he coos gently, half-surprised, half-alerted and turns to you with his body. His leg presses against your thigh as he shifts closer to take your cheeks in his hands. As stupidly caring as he is, he even remembers to brush the sand off his palms before wiping your tears off with his fingers. “Don’t cry.”
“I’m sorry,” you mumble, not even sure what you apologize for at first: for crying or something bigger than that. But once it’s out, it’s like a dam broke and the words following come fast and heavy, like an avalanche. “I’m so sorry. I miss you so much.”
Euijoo’s pupils shine like gemstones in the dark and you want to get lost in them. He slowly pulls you closer and lets you bury your head in the crook of his neck, muffling your sobs against his sun-warm skin. He smells like sand and ocean, his hold on you the anchor you need in any storm. He caresses your back with steady hands until your tears stop flowing but holds you long after until you feel like your bodies are molded together like wet clay and you’re ready to let go.
His hands tremble a bit as he reaches for your hand but you hold onto him like a lifeline. The walk back to the guesthouse is blurry. You don’t talk much but you remember him telling you to wash up while he tells the others not to worry about your disappearance. The shower is cold now that he let go and you can’t help wondering whether you will go back to pretending to be strangers after this.
When you see him waiting for you in the corridor after you finish, it puts your heart at ease. He probably used the shower downstairs in the meantime because he also changed his clothes and he smells like soft cotton. For a moment you two just stare at each other, unsure what it all means and how to proceed, but you have had enough of pretending, enough of trying to move on, enough of wishing things were different.
You reach out for Euijoo and he meets you halfway. You pull him into the bedroom you used to occupy alone and settle under the covers while the AC hums in the corner and the bedside lamp glows warm orange. You keep your voices down as you talk about fears and pressure and vulnerability. You talk about the future, uncertainties and hopes.
Euijoo’s fingers are warm as he brushes your hair out of your forehead to press a fleeting kiss there before you drift to sleep to the rhythm of his heartbeat.
Your first date was on a particularly cold October day.
Neither of you called it a date yet, per se, but when Euijoo asked if you wanted to visit an exhibition he thought you might like, you had your hopes. Any other time he would have dropped that question in the group chat and not wait until you two were alone after a hangout to ask just you. He also waited in front of your place before heading towards the metro station.
He seemed shyer than usual and a bit nervous. You found it cute. He asked you to teach him a few words in your language and he repeated it all diligently. The back of his hand brushed against yours on your way to the Instagram-famous bakery in the area and you took that leap of faith to slide your hand into his. Euijoo stumbled in the middle of a sentence when he felt it but his smile told you everything you needed to know. You felt giddy like a teenage girl with a crush and neither of you could maintain eye contact for long while you were waiting for your pastries and drinks.
“It’s silly. We’re still the same people,” you chuckled at your reactions and Euijoo hummed, considering.
“I guess. But it feels different,” he said and he was right, it did feel different. More special. But slowly you came over that initial flustered state of yours and eased into a conversation.
Time passed by faster than you could have imagined and it was already dark and cold outside by the time you left. When you had chosen your outfit you certainly didn’t account for the temperature drop but at the first sign of shiver, Euijoo gave you his jacket and walked you back home. You spent a ridiculously long time finding excuses to stay a bit more by the door because inviting him up would have meant explaining everything to Lily and you weren’t quite ready for that interrogation yet.
“Thank you for today. I had fun,” you said finally after the third person had to bypass you just to get into the apartment.
“Me too,” The boy smiled back, his eyes glinting in the street lights.
You stalled, just a bit more, putting your weight from one leg to another.
“Euijoo…”
“Hm?” He looked at you with mirth and anticipation in his soft brown eyes.
In lieu of answering, you handed him back his jacket but you didn’t just simply let go when he grabbed it. Instead you pushed yourself onto your tiptoes and pressed your lips against his cheek briefly.
“I like you a lot,” you admitted in a whisper, the familiar Korean words tasting sweeter in your mouth than ever before. Cavity-inducing when Euijoo echoed them.
“I like you, too,” he said and looked away with burning cheeks, shy.
You wished you would never forget the feeling of warmth settling in you then.
On the train ride back home, you sit next to Euijoo, his fingers intertwining with yours on the armrest between you. When Nicholas notices that his seat is already taken, he frowns and puts a hand over his chest more dramatically than needed.
“I see how it is,” he teases with wiggling eyebrows and all.
“Sorry but I’m stealing him,” you try to placate him with your best pleading puppy eyes just to match his energy.
“Oh, please do. He’s all yours. I have had enough of his moping ass,” Nico grins as he passes by, yelping when Euijoo playfully smacks him. You giggle to yourself before turning back to your phone in your hand, scrolling through the carefully curated roadtrip playlist.
It’s not long before somebody else addresses the turn of events though. Soon enough Maki turns around in his seat, staring down at you from above his headrest.
“So are you guys okay now?”
Euijoo turns towards you with a small hidden smile in the corner of his mouth, his eyes fond.
“We will be,” he says like a promise and you squeeze his hand in agreement.
You lean your head against Euijoo’s shoulder and close your eyes.
You still have a lot to talk about but this time around you will do better. You will work on communication, asking instead of assuming and saying things out loud instead of letting wounds fester even if it’s out of care and worry. It will all be alright as long as you both are trying. You have all the time in the world to figure things out.
Love is, after all, choosing each other every day and you would never regret choosing him either.
END NOTES. me writing a summer fic in december? more likely than you think.
if anybody is interested, the timeline goes like this: 2025 february: mc moves to korea. 2025 april: meeting ej. 2025 october: start dating ej. 2026 may: the break up. 2026 end of june: the trip
the mc is a foreigner, neither english nor korean is her native language. she speaks english with the foreigner gang (nico, maki, lily) and korean with the others (euijoo, sungho, shinyu, chaehyun)
title from the ariana grande song.
☆ &TEAM masterlist
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