dance on my own

To say that you had a terrible week would have been an understatement.

Not only did your microphone malfunction during your comeback showcase, you had a stomachache during a live show which made performing and singing live twice as hard as it should have been, and now that your official first-week album sales were in, you felt like the waves were crashing down on you.

You had sold half as many albums this time as during your first comeback and even that had been less than for your debut. If this trend were to continue, you would be better off packing your bags and leaving the whole idol life behind before your company told you to do so.

Needless to say, you were desperately in need of something comforting, and at 2am as an idol, the 24/7 cinema on the corner of the agency seemed like the best choice. You didn’t want to get into trouble for getting wasted at a bar or caught crying your eyes out whilst doing karaoke, so a dark room (hopefully on your own) seemed enticing.

Until you happened to catch sight of someone else in the room, and that someone else was no other than the person you wished to see the least. That pink ‘N’ etched into his trademark oversized black hoodie was all you needed to know about his identity even though he wore a cap and a mask to hide behind.

“What are you doing here?” You seethed furiously as you walked up to his seat because for whatever reason, the girl in the ticket booth thought that it would be a good idea to assign you a seat in the same row with Wang Yixiang.

Or more commonly known as Nicholas.

As he looked up from his phone, he narrowed his eyes for a moment, but when he registered who was talking to him, he just shrugged his shoulders while answering.

“Watching a movie, obviously.”

“I mean, why are you here right now, right at this cinema?”

“I guess for the same reason as you are. It’s the closest to the agency and it’s the only one in the area that’s open 24/7,” he replied nonchalantly, and went back to typing on his phone.

So rude!

“Argghh… why do I have to see you even outside of the company?” You threw your hands in the air as if your theatrics could help anything, but you weren’t having any of it today. If the news of your album sales weren’t enough, now you had to be in the same room as the person who had ruined your chance to debut as planned when you just wanted to forget about being an idol for a few hours.

Clearly, that plan failed.

“What is your problem, really?” Nicholas decided to look back up at you, resting his phone in his lap. “It’s not like I’ve done anything wrong.”

You scoffed. Even though you couldn’t see his whole face because of his mask, you could tell that he was trying to act oh so innocent when he should have known exactly why you had started acting cold towards him after that meeting. What other reason could it have been for?

“Oh, don’t act like you don’t know why I’m like this!” You gritted your teeth, lacing your arms in front of your chest defensively.

“But I don’t.”

You eyed each other for a few seconds before you decided to take the last of your dignity with you and walk to a different row, far enough from him, so that he couldn’t see when you started sobbing once the lights were turned off.

One could say that you cried so much during the movie because it was a romantic drama, so it was warranted, but you were crying because of everything that had happened in the past few weeks. The preparation for your comeback had been difficult, but it didn’t seem to pay off, and now, you had no idea what to do because you had given it your all. Besides, the formula was the same for your debut and first comeback as for your second one. Love songs, kind of girly, kind of edgy, catchy chorus, easy-to-follow choreography to use for dance challenges and guest starring on reality shows. So what had happened this time around?

You only realised that the movie ended because they turned the lights on, you were so deep in thought. As you made your way out of the building, you hoped that Nicholas wouldn’t follow you, but of course, you were wrong.

“How did you know it was me?” He inquired as he caught up with you, but with his stupid long legs, it wasn’t a surprise that he did so.

You rolled your eyes visibly before turning to look at him. He looked as if he was genuinely curious even though it was for the most obvious reason in the world.

“You have that hoodie on with the pink ‘N’ on it. Everyone knows it’s your hoodie,” you broke it down to him, and he looked down at his choice of hoodie as if he had just put it on without a second thought. Surely, he would have been careless if he had done so because it was just so obvious that it was him. His fans even created a trend based on it, sewing their initials into their own hoodies.

“Huh, you seem to know a lot about me despite seemingly despising me,” he huffed teasingly, but you just rolled your eyes. Again.

“Or maybe I’m just observant as opposed to someone who doesn’t see the obvious,” you noted with an edge to your words, hinting at your earlier conversation about him not knowing why you couldn’t stand him.

However, he picked up on something else.

“You’ve been crying, I could tell, but I didn’t want to ask if you cried because of the movie or something else because I didn’t want to be insensitive.”

“I didn’t-” You started to object, but when the weight of his words finally hit you, you felt like a deer caught in the headlights. Well, you might have been wrong about him not being observant if he had even noticed that you hadn’t been crying only due to the movie.

You let out a sigh, defeated. You just wanted him to evaporate, so you could finally go back to the dorms in peace, but of course, being artists at the same company meant that you two actually lived in the same building. There was a girl group living on the fourth floor, you lived on the third floor alone after two trainee girls left when you were the only one chosen to debut, Nicholas lived on the second floor and a bunch of trainee boys lived on the first floor. You couldn’t tell how many of them lived there because you always bumped into someone new. Or maybe they were already renting out the fifth floor, who knew.

“It was the movie,” you lied, hoping that he would drop the topic, and he did. Instead, he asked about your comeback, but you were very diplomatic when you answered that you were enjoying it, and that things were going well.

“That’s good. Keep up the good work!” Nicholas wished when you arrived at the dorms, and you couldn’t tell whether he was saying it because he wanted to flex his more experienced self (he was your sunbae after all even if you had trained longer than he had), or because he was actually genuine.

Either way, you mumbled something akin to a thanks and let the door slam behind you, hoping to leave this random encounter behind.

“I’ve told you, we weren’t on a date.”

You told your manager, Mijoo, for the second time after you were interrupted mid-practise by your hyperventilating manager because it was your first dating scandal, and you had barely been an idol for a year. Besides, she was more hurt by the fact that you hadn’t told her about dating the boy than about the actual rumour. So you had to tell her again that you were, in fact, not dating as opposed to whatever the internet claimed.

Mijoo was a very cool manager, she was laid-back and always up for a chat, but she managed your schedule like a maniac. May it be because she was energetic either way or because she had about five cups of coffee a day, but she could never be caught dozing off or lazing around while you were performing. Even if you called her at the break of dawn, she didn’t get mad and got ready to help you out immediately.

“Clearly, that’s not what it looks like in the photos, so the public now thinks that you two are, in fact, dating,” she pointed out as she handed you her phone, so you could have a look at the original Dispatch article that published photos of you and Nicholas leaving the cinema together the previous night. According to your manager, since Dispatch’s article, dozens of others were talking about you two, already hinting at the fact that you had been dating for quite some time because you seemed close.

“We were actually arguing. How can they not tell?” You huffed, looking up from the phone and handing it back to your manager. She seemed to have calmed down by now, and instead of panicking, she actually pinched your side with a mischievous smile.

“On the bright side, the fans are loving it. Both yours and his fans.”

“What?” You furrowed your eyebrows in question. Surely, you couldn’t have it easy. Fans of male idols always went crazy when said idol was dating a female idol, and it was always the female idol who got the short end of the stick.

Always.

“They’ve kind of come up with the theory that your new song must be about Nicholas, and they’re making fan edits of you two already. Some of them are reeeeally good! Like I could also believe that something’s going on between you two,” she shared quite enthusiastically, but you were still gaping at her like a fish.

This just couldn’t be real life. It couldn’t be. You had been crying about your poor album sales the night before, and now you were in the news for allegedly dating Nicholas? This had to be a joke…

“That’s crazy! I would never write a song about Nicholas.”

“Well, you did mention a black hoodie and a boy who seems intimidating but is actually sweet which does fit Nicholas,” Mijoo pointed out, and for a moment, you were rendered speechless. Come on, was your manager siding with the fans now?

“Uhm, excuse me? I wrote that about my high school crush! Besides, everyone has a black hoodie!” You said factually, but she just shrugged her shoulders.

“To be fair, you did attend a lot of events together because of the agency insisting on you two supporting each other, but of course, the fans don’t know that you didn’t go willingly,” Mijoo mused out loud while she was typing on her phone. “Like look at this!” She handed you the phone again. “They edited all of your appearances at said events into one video, and Nicholas looked at you quite a lot. He even helped you with your dress at this award show if you remember.”

Of course, you remembered. It had been so humiliating. You had stepped on your freakingly long dress with your high heels, and if it had not been for him walking behind you and helping you with the dress, you would have surely fallen down. It just had to be him out of all people.

“Like look at his smile when you were performing ‘To The Moon’. He’s sooo cute,” Mijoo cooed, totally like a fangirl, and if you had not known that she didn’t have time to listen to anyone else’s songs apart from yours, you would have said that she was actually a secret fan of his.

When she caught sight of your unamused expression, she pulled herself together and turned back to her professional self instead.

“I’m just saying… it might actually boost your comeback that they think you are dating.”

“What’s the management’s take on it?” You asked tentatively as you reached for a nearby towel and patted your head a few times to soak up the sweat. At least the news had broken out when you had been done with your schedule for the day and you were practising for tomorrow’s show because it would have been really awkward if they had asked about it while you had been unprepared. No PR training prepares you for such a scenario.

“Oh yeah, I almost forgot. We’re meeting in 20 minutes with Nicholas, his manager and the PR team on the sixth floor.”

“20 minutes? I’m a sweating mess!” You shrieked because the girl looking back from the mirror was less than presentable with locks in all possible directions and clothes more sweaty than intact.

“Let’s make it 25 minutes. I’ll try to have some small talk with the head of the PR team to save you some time, so go!” Mijoo ushered you after checking the time on her watch.

You didn’t need to be told twice. After she talked to your dance teacher about the change in today’s practice, you sprinted to the nearest female bathroom and got ready to face a room full of people who were convinced that you were dating the boy you detested the most.

To be honest, this dating rumour was by far not the worst thing the company and its PR team had to take care of.

Four years ago, when you had still been a trainee, one member of a boy group - that was no longer active because it disbanded a year after the incident - committed suicide. At first, the statement had just been that he had passed away tragically, but after the post-mortem examination had been completed, it had turned out that he had ended his own life. There had been a lot of whispers around the company about why it had happened, and a lot of trainees had actually left during that time in fears that it had been the company’s fault.

Since then, the company had eased some regulations regarding schedules, dieting, phone usage and crisis communication (such as dating scandals), and had implemented well-being sessions into not only its artists’ but also its employees’ activities. It had never come to light why exactly the tragedy had happened, but you remembered promising to yourself that you would always keep in mind how it felt to have had that kind of atmosphere at the company.

However, it seemed that your time had come because this was the first time you had an emergency meeting with the PR team, but in all honesty, they were just a bunch of men and women in their 30s and 40s who were professional about the whole situation, they weren’t actually invested in the details unlike your fandom.

Even though both of you denied the dating allegations, they said that they needed to play their cards right because you were currently doing your second week of promotions, so any kind of hasty statement could impact your comeback. You knew that it was showbiz, and the company had to take things such as company stocks and album sales into consideration, but you felt like they were implying that denying the dating rumour could impact your comeback negatively, and you hated how small you felt because of that. Out of the two of you, even though Nicholas was the more popular artist, you had more to lose because your stats didn’t look as dazzling as expected.

In the end, it was decided that the PR team would publish a statement that night after the meeting, saying that they were checking the facts. Then, they wanted to wait three days to see what the public sentiment would actually be and how it would affect the business before publishing another statement. You didn’t really understand why they wanted to wait so many days during comeback season when all they had to do was deny the rumours, but alas, it wasn’t like you had any say in it.

Even though you and Nicholas shared some glances during the meeting, it wasn’t until you left the meeting room that you two finally spoke about the matter.

“I’m sorry that it happened during your comeback,” was how Nicholas broke the awkward silence that fell over the four of you when you shared an elevator ride with him, his manager, Yudai and Mijoo afterwards.

You didn’t want to admit that it seemed uncharacteristically gentle of him to say such a thing and that it moved you in a way you couldn’t imagine being moved by him, but you also didn’t want to be rude and say nothing.

“Thanks,” you mumbled without sparing him another glance.

“It’ll be fine, guys. Trust me,” Mijoo reassured you all with a wide smile before turning towards you. She leaned closer as if sharing a secret. “But I’ve had to ask Fuma to accompany you everywhere in case something happens. Even if it’s just you going back to the dorms or going out in incognito like yesterday.”

“Do I really have to? I’ll end up having dating rumours with my bodyguard at this rate,” you whined childishly, but you didn’t see a point in having your bodyguard with you all the time. Fuma was a nice guy, but you didn’t want to alter his whole schedule just because he was now supposed to accompany you everywhere, even if it meant your impromptu cinema visits at 2am.

“Just for the next few days, okay? I’ll sleep better at night knowing that he’s with you.”

“You actually sleep?” Yudai chirped in teasingly, and your manager couldn’t stop herself from laughing out loud.

“Well, I try,” Mijoo replied with one of her toothpaste commercial-worthy smiles, and you felt so awkward as if you were third wheeling between them in that elevator. You instinctively looked at Nicholas who mirrored your quizzical expression, so at least he was also caught off-guard by what was going on.

Thankfully, the elevator halted on the ground floor a few seconds later, so you could escape this awkward atmosphere, and be greeted by your bodyguard instead who was ready to escort you back to the dorms.

To be honest, the dating rumour had a massive impact on your comeback.

Suddenly, you were one of the top searches online, the streams of your songs tripled within 12 hours, and due to the (false) narrative that you wrote your song about Nicholas, there was even a trend going where fans used the audio of your song under Nicholas fan videos and edits. There were, of course, the said ship videos about you and Nicholas too, and even though you hated to admit it, you could kind of see why they were misled about the whole situation. The dress incident came up most often, but reality show appearances together and showing your support for one another on social media closely followed. Not to mention the dance challenges…

You debuted 8 months after Nicholas did, but before his debut, the company had last debuted a group three years prior. So they wanted to build momentum by forcing you to support each other and appear together at a lot of public events. Which you hated, of course, because he had taken away your chance of debuting as planned given that yours had been pushed back, so that he could debut first.

He was talented, you couldn’t deny it, but you often wondered how successful you could have been if you had debuted as planned. Why? Because Nicholas had a successful debut with five music shows, and he had gotten two different rookie awards at the end of the year. His album sales had kept increasing comeback after comeback, and he had even been named one of the most promising solo artists by a US-based music magazine.

You, on the other hand, had debuted during a period when BTS and TWICE had both promoted, and you had been overshadowed by a new rookie group by YG, too. Needless to say, you had no music show awards or rookie awards to your name either. Compared to him, you barely scraped by.

You weren’t angry because of his achievements though. You were angry because when that meeting had been held when the change in the order of your debuts had been announced (due to a viral cover of his), he had said nothing. He had stayed completely silent and he had even avoided looking in your direction. Since then, he had acted like he had nothing to do with it, and as if he had no idea why you were acting this way when it should have been so very obvious.

And now, this fantastic plan of forced support blew up in everyone’s face because the fans actually had evidence of you two interacting online and offline, going to each other’s comeback showcases, concerts and sitting beside each other at award shows. After this, how could anyone think that you had nothing going on?

By the time the three days the PR team wanted to wait out passed by, your album sales had gone off the roof, you had become one of the most talked about artists in the first quarter of the year already and your title track was expected to be nominated during the weekend music shows. Suddenly, people were discovering your songs, your albums, your social media accounts and fan community platforms, no wonder the company didn’t want to break the news that you two were not dating and that your title track wasn’t about Nicholas.

“How about saying ‘they are in the stage of getting to know each other with positive feelings’? That always lands well with the public,” the head of the PR team suggested, and so that is how it was announced.

Thankfully, you and Nicholas weren’t asked to go on dates or anything of the sort, though the company was looking into ways his presence during your schedule could further boost the sudden interest in your comeback. For now though, it was enough for them that they could post the above announcement and everyone could stop guessing what was going on.

On the other hand, even though the fact that your career took off should have made you happy, you were feeling rather remorseful. After all, none of this would have happened if the dating rumour had not been posted. You were indeed desperate, allowing the company to do whatever it took to help your comeback, even if it meant that they didn’t deny the rumour. It didn’t mean that you didn’t feel guilty though. Plus, it made you wonder if you were ever enough to begin with, if your music and stage presence and concept were ever enough on their own, or you would have always needed a little push from someone as influential as Nicholas to thrive…

Needless to say, you weren’t in a good mood when you bumped into your alleged boyfriend in the corridor of the company. Since you were ready to go back to the dorms, you were only accompanied by your bodyguard, but the boy must have been up to something because he was conversing with his manager when he caught sight of you.

“Hey, Y/N! How are you doing?” Nicholas inquired casually, and all four of you came to a halt in the middle of the corridor.

You were anything but fine. However, you were an idol, so not feeling fine was nothing new, and he was the boy you had a grudge against, so you were not going to pour your heart out to him.

“Good. How about you?” You lied through your teeth, and even tried with a polite albeit fake smile.

The boy furrowed his eyebrows for a few seconds as if he didn’t believe you, but he answered nevertheless that he was also doing fine, just on his way to record a song for his next album. You were about to wish him luck and bid your farewell when his question made you freeze on the spot.

“Have you seen the comments about us?”

This was a loaded question, one that could either indicate that he cared whether you felt hurt by some comments saying that you were a worthless bitch and you didn’t deserve Nicholas, or one that could indicate that he didn’t spend enough time going through those comments to see the nasty ones.

You were not ready to face option 1, so you replied accordingly.

“Oh, you mean the ones saying that we should totally do a couple stage soon because they think we’re the next power couple in the industry?” You asked as you tried to recall some exaggerated yet positive comments, and though it was obvious that he didn’t mean these comments, his lips curled into a boyish smile.

“I like the sound of that,” he commented almost proudly, and for a moment, you wanted to believe him. Yet, there was that evil little voice in your head saying that he couldn’t be serious, he couldn’t truly believe such things, and sometimes it was easier to believe its lies than what was right in front of you.

So you just smiled and told him that you were about to go back to the dorms because it had been a long day. He didn’t want to hold you up any longer, so you wished him good luck with the recording and he wished you goodnight.

It felt so weird. Like you actually cared about each other.

No wonder Fuma looked so out of place, not knowing what to say afterwards, but you were fine with silence, and it wasn’t a long walk anyway.

The first week after the company’s announcement went by fast, and apart from you going through comments at night and actually receiving your first music show win, the days went by quite uneventfully.

You were thinking of asking Mijoo to stop ordering Fuma to accompany you everywhere when one night, as you were leaving the company building, a bunch of girls showed up with posters, and chanted ‘break up, break up’ as if they were protesting.

You had been trained how to handle flashing lights, big crowds and fans who didn’t understand the concept of keeping a distance, but you had never been important enough to be a part of something like this. You had never had a scandal, and false allegations about your behaviour from your school days had never surfaced (yet again, you had been no one important back then, and you hadn’t made any trouble). You had lived a quiet life and your fandom had been mostly supportive.

However, these girls were literally coming up to shout in your face and if it had not been for Fuma’s broad shoulders and athletic build, you were sure that they would have managed to grab you and push you around.

“Please, respect her privacy, and stay away from her!” Fuma shouted over the crowd, but it was as if it had added more oil to the fire. 

The girls became louder, their posters seemed larger and the space around you seemed to become smaller and smaller. You felt your heart drum against your ribcage, and you felt a wave of nausea come over you at the thought of being trapped. Because that’s what it felt like. Fuma was alone and he was only strong enough to keep them away from you, not to clear the path ahead of you. So you just stood there, unable to do anything, and it seemed like your body was betraying you as well.

You felt dizzy and light-headed, and you just wanted them to stop shouting because you couldn’t hear your own thoughts. Your palms started getting sweaty and you felt a sense of panic, something that you had never felt with much bigger crowds. But these girls… they wanted to make you feel small, they wanted to hurt you and they wanted you to stay away from their precious idol.

“Everyone, please, stand back!” You heard Fuma exclaim at the same time as you felt something slimy on your head. You reached to see what it was, and if it hadn’t been for your panicky state, you would have surely laughed at the way you had just become a Kdrama female lead because these girls had just thrown eggs at you, and you had only seen that in dramas before.

“Y/N, we need to go back into the building. Is that okay with you?” Fuma turned towards you, his back taking most of the eggs thrown at you. You nodded frantically and as you walked back to the entrance and got your company card out of your purse with shaking hands, the door flew open, and a very much distressed Nicholas stepped out.

The girls had gone quiet at once, and for a moment, you felt like you could breathe again. Nicholas spared you a glance before he turned towards the crowd and spoke as sternly as you had never heard him speak before.

“I apologise if I hurt you in any way with the news of my relationship, but please, refrain from channeling your anger at Y/N. If you hurt the people that I care about, you also hurt me. I hope you understand,” he announced matter-of-factly, and murmurs ran through the crowd.

However, Nicholas didn’t wait to see their reactions, he stepped up to you and led you back into the building. That’s when it registered in you that the security guards who were usually stationed by the card reader gates inside took your place outside and held up the crowd while you went inside followed by the idol and your bodyguard.

“Are you okay?” Nicholas inquired gently, a stark contrast to his angry self a few seconds ago. He looked at you so tenderly, as if you were something precious, that you felt your throat close up for a moment. Even when he reached out to get an eggshell out of your hair, you stayed still, frozen in place.

Unable to form words, you just nodded and turned towards Fuma instead. After all, he had taken most of the hits thrown at you.

“Are you okay?”

“Sure. It’s just more protein, you know,” he tried to lighten up the mood and even though Nicholas snickered at his joke, all you could do was look at him out of worry. “I’m fine, don’t worry,” he added after seeing your concerned expression.

You felt so bad for causing trouble for everyone, but of course, news travelled fast, and by the time you were ushered to clean up in the female bathroom, Yudai had already shown up, and alerted Mijoo about the incident. When you finished and put on a new set of clothes, she was standing outside in the corridor, talking to the boy’s manager about something that you couldn’t quite hear. When your manager caught sight of you, she ran up to you immediately.

“Oh, Y/N! Are you okay?” Your manager asked as she gave you a bone-crashing hug. You hugged her back, enjoying the way people cared about you because those nasty comments could sometimes make you think that no one was on your side.

“Yeah, sure. I’m fine,” you reassured her with a weary smile, but when she let go of you, she wasn’t entirely convinced. So you had to tell her again that you were fine and that Fuma had been hit with more eggs either way.

“The company will seek legal action and publish a statement about it as soon as possible. Since they were right in front of the building, they were seen on two different CCTV cameras, so that should deter them from coming back again,” she concluded in her usual professional manner before her features softened. “Are you sure you’re okay? We can cancel or postpone some of your activities if you need time to process this,” she added because ever since that idol’s suicide four years ago, the company took such things seriously and gave time off for mental health reasons.

On the other hand, as much as the incident shook you, you also knew that you wouldn’t have done anything differently. You had given your consent that the company could go ahead with the dating confirmation statement because you had been desperate to make things better for you and for your career. Everything had worked out for the better, so a few eggs couldn’t hurt. It was the pure hate and disgust in those girls’ eyes that you had not been used to, but you were sure that you would be fine. You just needed some peace and quiet and some time to process everything.

“There’s no need. That would just prove that the haters won,” you talked her out of it before adding that you wanted to go back to the dorms now if the entrance was cleared.

“I’ve sent Fuma home for the day, so that he could clean himself up, and though he objected, he gave in when I told him that I would give you a lift and drop you off just in front of the dorms. That should minimise contact with anyone else,” Mijoo mapped out her plan, and you had to give it to her that she was right. Even though the dorms were close, her giving you a lift would also put your mind at ease.

You almost forgot about Yudai being there in the first place, but Mijoo asked him if they wanted to join. He said that he would do the same for Nicholas, but he wasn’t sure where the boy had gone, so he should locate the idol first.

As odd as it was that Nicholas had gone missing, you were hoping that he was just packing up his stuff or something along those lines. Either way, Mijoo dropped you off at the dorms, and you went back to your quiet apartment, setting your phone to silent. Your manager would probably be the only person calling you, and you told her that you would head to bed after taking a shower, so it should be fine.

However, you couldn’t sleep at all, so you headed to your favourite place to clear your head: the dorms’ rooftop.

There was a bench close to the edge of the rooftop which provided the most magnificent view of Seoul. You could see Namsan Tower all lit up at this late hour, the bridges illuminated by many different lamps and the buzzing of the nightlife district not too far. No matter which time of the day you sat up here, the city was always alive, always living, always breathing.

You used to not understand what people meant when they said ‘a city that never sleeps’. However, since you had moved from the countryside to the capital city, it all made sense. Shops were open 24/7, there were always people on the streets, and even the tiniest alley seemed to be illuminated. As opposed to Seoul, you had come from a small city where shops closed at 8pm, you could rarely see anyone on the streets after sunset, and it had often been a concern of locals that not all streets had functioning lamps lighting the way at nights.

You liked coming up here because the view put everything into a different perspective. You felt a bit smaller here, but not in a bad way. It was more like a realisation that you weren’t the centre of the world, and as much as you would have thought that people would always know you were an idol (especially these days), you were sure that many people in the distance had no idea who you were. Which was reassuring, really. Sometimes you felt like you had the weight of the world on your shoulders, but maybe it shouldn’t have felt that way. Especially because in Seoul, you were one of the many millions of people living in the city. Back home, you were one of thousands, so you should have felt less exposed here.

It was an odd thing to be in the public eye after dreaming about it for so long. It was both easier and more difficult than you could have imagined. You were surrounded by a more supportive group of people than most idols, and you had more freedom regarding your own music. For instance, you were allowed to write your own songs or contribute to their lyrics. You could use your phone and didn’t have to follow a crazy diet plan, just had scheduled pilates classes three times a week on top of dance practices. Your health was monitored by yearly check-ups and you had the chance to speak to a counsellor if you wanted to. 

On the other hand, you had to cover up if you wanted to go anywhere, you were PR-trained to say what the company wanted you to say, you had to follow a rigorous skincare routine, you had no say in what you wanted to wear on stage and you had also undergone plastic surgery to fit the ideal beauty standards.

Yet, worst of all, you had to realise that even if you were an active idol now, even if you were on TV and even if you had received your first music show award last week, your family didn’t care more about you. Not at all. Not even a little bit.

Maybe that’s why you were suspicious when people showed concern towards you.

Just like the boy who literally threw himself onto the rooftop and ran up to you, falling to his knees in front of the bench, panting.

“I’ve been looking everywhere for you! Why haven’t you answered my calls?” Nicholas exclaimed desperately, and you could barely string a sentence together, you were so shocked by his sudden appearance and his disheveled state.

His hair was a mess, drops of sweat ran down his cheeks and he looked like he had been running for sometime now. He looked nothing like the polished, perfectly presentable Nicholas you saw on TV. He seemed humane, thus vulnerable, and you weren’t sure how to deal with what you saw, so you tried to avoid his worry once again.

“I’ve put my phone on silent, and I don’t know your number, so I wouldn’t have answered your call either way,” you justified matter-of-factly because what were you supposed to say to that? On the other hand, your voice was more gentle when you asked:

“Why have you been looking for me?”

Nicholas looked up from the ground, straight into your eyes, and you had this feeling again that he saw right through you. Through the fake smiles, the dodged questions and the lies. His intense gaze sent a shiver down your spine.

“I’ve been worried about you,” he admitted loud and clear, no hesitation in his voice. You were uncertain as to how to react when he looked at you like that, as if he had been running all the way from your apartment to the rooftop, while he was literally on his knees because he had been searching for you.

Worried about you.

“You should worry about yourself. You look like a mess,” you dodged his concerned words again, and reached out to help him up because you couldn’t bear to see him like that any longer.

He accepted your assistance and sat down on the bench beside you. As you let go of him, you caught sight of his scraped hands that were slightly bloody.

“Oh my god, Nicholas! You’re bleeding!” You shrieked, the sight frightening you more than the incident earlier today.

“I’m fine,” he claimed, trying to hide his hands, but you were not having any of it. You grabbed his hands and examined the bruises. It didn’t look like he had scraped his skin just now. Besides, he fell on his knees, not his hands. So where could he have gotten the wound from?

“You’re not fine.”

“Says the one who claims that she is fine but she shuts herself off from everyone the moment she is not fine,” he pointed out rather flippantly, but when you averted your eyes to look into his orbs, all you could see was concern and care. You immediately had to look away because it was too much, his worry was too evident.

You were caught red-handed, there was no doubt about that and there was no use denying it because you had been right. He had seen right through you. Not just here and now but many times before.

So instead of arguing with him, you murmured under your breath, dejected:

“Because that’s what didn’t get me into trouble back home.”

There it was, the habit that you hadn’t yet unlearned, the coping mechanism that got you through the worst of your trainee days. You were the youngest child, the one with the dream of being an idol, and you had an older sister who became a doctor and an older brother who became a lawyer. Respected career paths, traditional education and stable futures.

On the other hand, you had always been chasing after the uncertainty and the instability in return for a life in the spotlight. If you had complained about singing lessons or auditions, you had been told to follow in your brother’s or sister’s footsteps. It had never been about “we’ll support you no matter what your dreams are” or “you can do it, we know it”, it had always been “you’ve chosen this life for yourself, why are you complaining?” and “you’re capable of so much more than this”.

So you had learned to say that you were fine, always fine, and it had gotten you to where you were today. Yet, the support and the caring messages had never arrived from your family. As if you had done them any wrong by choosing this path.

Nicholas’ features softened, his hands squeezing yours that were still in his.

“You don’t have to act fine beside me. We work in the same industry. If anyone, I understand what you’re going through.”

You understood the words, but you had a hard time actually believing them. Even if he looked at you as if he was ready to get you the stars from the sky for you, as if he was ready to walk through fire for you. And it scared you that someone cared, and didn’t care just a little bit. He cared a lot.

“I know. I just…” You started, uncertain how to continue, but then you were suddenly overcome by an overwhelming wave of emotions, and it felt like a dam burst, everything came out all at once. “I find it hard to believe that anyone would care about me. If my family doesn’t care, why would anyone else do it? And I know it’s such a toxic way of thinking, but I haven’t really been proven wrong before. That’s why I believe the hate comments more because I can understand why they would think like that, you know? I just…”

Your voice broke by the end of your monologue and your breath was shaky when you tried to take in a deep breath. Even though you were trying to hold back tears, they started falling recklessly, relentlessly, and there was no use trying to stop them. It was a rainstorm that could not be avoided. Not anymore.

“It’s okay,” the boy whispered gently as he started patting your back. Gentle and caring, long gone the nonchalant boy he sometimes displayed. “Let it all out,” he added, and you never knew that permission to feel your feelings would be so deliberating.

And that it would come from the boy you used to hate, but now you just wished you could hate him because you realised that you hadn’t disliked him for sometime now.

As it turned out, Nicholas had separated from Yudai on the day of the egg incident to post stories on his private Instagram account that he didn’t condemn such behaviour and that he would be on your side, no matter what, so if those so-called fans thought that they could bully him into breaking up with you, they should stop once and for all.

Which was shocking because idols didn’t really stand up for each other when they were dating, especially because it wasn’t supported by their PR teams. Nicholas had been so caught up in his anger that he had posted the messages without prior approval from the company, no wonder his stories had been taken down, and the official statement from the agency had been published instead as promised.

As much as you would have wanted to shout his head off for doing such a reckless thing and risking his career, you were actually quite touched because yet again, no one had cared as much about your feelings as he did so. Not to mention the fact that he had gotten the bruises on his hands from pounding on your apartment’s door when you hadn’t answered his calls because he had been worried that something had happened to you or you had done something to yourself.

“Are you serious?” You furrowed your eyebrows in question when Mijoo told you the story about your fake boyfriend’s actions. Your manager confirmed that she had heard it from Yudai who had been worried about Nicholas these days because he had been quite reckless.

Then again, you were actually quite thankful for him because he did show that he cared and not just on the surface, not just because of your fake dating pact.

“You know how much I love my Kdramas, but it feels like I don’t have to watch them these days because you and your boyfriend provide enough drama and entertainment for me,” Mijoo commented on a lighter note, and you just gave her an eyeroll as you corrected her.

“Fake boyfriend.”

“Whatever you say,” she shrugged, but she didn’t seem convinced.

On the other hand, she did have something going on with your new bodyguard who was hired to watch over you alongside Fuma, and it seemed like it wasn’t just her usual flirty self, she actually did have eyes for Changkyun. You would have been frustrated that you had suddenly been accompanied by even more men than before if it hadn’t been for her interactions with your new bodyguard. The seemingly cold and mysterious man couldn’t maintain his unfazed demeanour around your manager which was quite amusing to watch.

As far as you and Nicholas were concerned, you actually started talking to each other after that night on the rooftop. You saved his number, so that you would know it was him if he called, and you checked on the other when you didn’t bump into each other at the agency. Since you were allegedly dating, it was easier to spend time talking to each other in the corridor or have lunch together at the company’s canteen much to Mijoo’s entertainment who kept asking you if you were actually dating.

You told her quite fervently each and every time that you weren’t, but you started questioning if that was true. You did act quite domestic sometimes, you did spend more time together, and you genuinely cared about what the other was up to. Hell, you even spent time together on the dorms’ rooftop, venting about your days or just needing some company away from the curious eyes of the public.

To be honest, you had never really been good at expressing your feelings, so it was still new for you that you could be honest with him, and he wouldn’t mind. You had even told him that night on the rooftop why you had hated him at first, and he admitted that he hadn’t said anything during that meeting because he had been too shocked that he needed to debut sooner. He had been afraid that he wouldn’t be ready, and he hadn’t been that confident in his Korean at the time either. It made perfect sense, really, and you had felt so bad for assuming things when he had been shocked and worried.

Nevertheless, since that was out of the way, you could finally see him for who he was, and though you tried to keep up your walls, you realised that sometimes you could let people in. Nicholas proved to you day after day that he wouldn’t suddenly change his mind about you, so you could be yourself beside him. And boy, did it feel good…

Even though there were no more egg incidents in the next couple of weeks, so your bodyguards had a more laid-back period with you for the rest of your promotions, the company decided to delay your shooting for ‘My Dream Buddy’. It was because they had made a deal with the production team pre-incident that they could have not only you but Nicholas as well which would mark your first public appearance together as a couple.

They wanted to wait a bit more time though because Nicholas’ messages did have an impact on his fandom, but he liked to say that true fans would understand his actions, and he was right. His reputation bounced back within three weeks as if nothing had happened, and most of his fans were super proud of him for stepping up and supporting you.

On top of that, you weren’t really good with children, so you actually didn’t mind having someone on the show with you who was apparently good with children. Like really good. Like you watched him play with the baby with a smile on your face, and that wasn’t your initial reaction when you saw babies. Even his voice was softer when he spoke to the baby who could only babble back at him, and he made sure to get rid of his beloved accessories, so that he wouldn’t hurt the little girl.

You swore you could have watched him do all the work, but Nicholas made sure you could play with her even though you were quite reluctant at first. The baby also seemed more shy around you, but as time went by, she loosened up and you three did everything from listening to Baby Shark on a kids’ toy, acting as if you were calling each other on a plastic phone, playing with balls of different sizes and watching a bit of Frozen until she started crying, and then it was time for lunch.

Nicholas was such a natural, cutting everything into tiny pieces and feeding the baby as if he had done it multiple times before while you were cleaning up the food that had fallen to the floor and cleaned the baby’s lips and jaw area. In the meantime, he shared stories about his childhood and even though he was the younger one out of two children, he did have experience playing with younger cousins, and he had also been on the show before, so he was looking forward to coming again.

On the other hand, you shared that you were the youngest child out of three, and that you only had older cousins, so you didn’t really have experience with kids before, that’s why you were glad that Nicholas could accompany you. Which was 100% genuine coming from you, and probably the best idea the company had come up with in recent times.

“That’s why we make a good couple. We complement each other,” Nicholas remarked with that lopsided grin that you wanted to hate (but couldn’t) because it was charming and attractive, and you hated how you felt watching him at times like this.

Because when he was being flirty and teasing, and you even had an audience (who cooed excitedly), it was hard to maintain your PR-trained facade. You were sure that your cheeks were red as hell either way because it felt like someone lit up a torch in front of your face.

Thankfully, the little girl decided to throw a tantrum at this exact moment, so you were saved from reacting, but not safe from trying to decide what could be the problem. Whether the food bugged her or she was thirsty or she was sleepy or her diapers needed to be changed (which you were assured would be done by her mother on site, it wasn’t a view to be broadcasted).

In the end, it seemed like she was tired because the moment Nicholas held her in his arms, she started blinking more and more rapidly until she eventually drifted off. Even though you would have not admitted it out loud, the sight was adorable, and you took some pictures of him with the baby sleeping on his chest, so that he could have them for himself.

It was during this time though that you noticed an old yet rather big scar on his arm below his elbow that you decided to ask about once the filming was done and you were back inside the dorms, taking the stairs together.

“Oh, it’s nothing too scary. When I was little, we were just playing with a friend and there was something sharp nearby. I was running fast, fell and got cut by it, so the skin tore a little,” he explained in detail before raising an eyebrow, teasing.  “Why? Were you worried about me?”

The sheer confidence with which he asked the question made your jaw drop. You could tell that something had shifted between you two since the night on the rooftop, but you would have never assumed that it would mean that Nicholas would become bolder or more… flirty.

“Well, no. I was just curious,” you objected fervently, and started stomping even harder on the stairs like a frustrated child. However, that only led to an almost fall because you miscalculated your steps, and if it hadn’t been for Nicholas grabbing your arm, you would have surely hurt yourself.

For a moment, you forgot how to breathe. His touch was firm yet gentle, and his eyes were concerned and warm. From this close, you could see the exact shades of brown that were swimming in his orbs and how his eyelashes casted a shadow on his skin, where his make-up ended and where his real skin shone through, and the slight blemishes that they tried to cover it up with. From this close, you could feel his hot breath fan over your skin, and you could see how his chest rose and fell with each of his inhales and exhales.

Given his previous behaviour, you would have thought that Nicholas would appear teasing or amused by the situation, but instead, he seemed rather shy as if he was caught off-guard. Even the tips of his ears turned red, but you would never dare to point it out because you were sure that your face was on fire as well.

“T-thank you,” you stuttered, still trying to recover from both the misstep and his close proximity. Your voice seemed to bring him out of his thoughts and he helped to steady you before he let go, his hands scratching the back of his neck instead.

“No problem,” he replied after clearing his throat.

You were both quick to resume walking, and soon enough, you reached the second floor where Nicholas’ apartment was. He opened his mouth (to probably bid his farewell), but before he could do so, you decided to confront him about what he had done before you wouldn’t get another chance like this. Even though you had been talking ever since that night on the rooftop, you hadn’t dared to bring up the topic until now.

“Mijoo told me how you scratched your hands,” you blurted out, and you saw the exact moment he realised what that meant. His face showcased surprise at first, then guilt before his features softened.

“Well… I was really worried,” he admitted sheepishly, but you could tell that he was waiting for some kind of lecture or reprimanding. Instead, you managed to surprise him with your response.

“Thank you for looking out for me that day,” you confessed, your voice coming out quite shaky.

You could tell that Nicholas was also taken aback by your vulnerable response, so before you would feel even more embarrassed, you wished him goodnight and jogged up to your floor. Your heart was still wildly thumping against your ribcage when you closed the door behind you, and you knew very well that it wasn’t because of the stairs.

It was because of him and how he made you feel.

By the time your birthday rolled around, the whole fiasco with your fake relationship had died down, and both your episode with Nicholas on ‘My Dream Buddy’ and a guest appearance on Lee Youngji’s ‘Nothing Much Prepared’ had aired. Both had been received positively by the public, and it seemed like the support that you two had gotten for being in a relationship outweighed the hate and nasty comments.

The end of your comeback promotions also meant that you had some time to rest whilst Nicholas was busy preparing for his next album. That’s why you were so surprised when he remembered your birthday and sent you birthday wishes first thing in the morning. You thanked him and couldn’t stop hiding your smile for the rest of the day when you were going around Seoul with Mijoo and your two bodyguards, posing with fan project billboards for your birthday.

After your little tour was done, you and Mijoo had a little celebration in her flat and you had never felt more thankful for such a lovely manager. She got you a cake and a tumbler (because she couldn’t stop reminding you to hydrate), but your favourite part was her talking about her boyfriend who was none other than your bodyguard, Changkyun. You knew that they had something going on, but she had broken the news down to you a week ago that they were now official, and she was glowing even more than usual. You were happy for her (and him), truly.

However, if you thought that you didn’t have any more surprises waiting for you when you got back to the dorms, you were dead wrong. When you halted in front of your flat, you found a hand-written note put on your door with sticky tape.

‘A surprise is waiting for you on the rooftop - N’

You had to hold yourself back from squealing because this was such a sweet gesture, and you were sure that you would love whatever he had in mind. However, you spent an awful lot of time deciding on an outfit that you would wear because you wanted to dress up for the occasion, but you also didn’t want to stay in your casual wear. You ended up opting for a light floral dress before making your way to the rooftop and finding the platform beside your usual bench filled with bowls of noodles and side dishes as if it was a picnic.

The boy himself was also standing by the bench, nervously fixing his black-framed glasses that you knew by now he only wore for fashion. He also seemed to have dressed up for the occasion, wearing a pink cardigan with a black top underneath and blue jeans. Much softer than his usual dark outfits, but you liked it that way. Especially because his hair was also dyed pink for his next album’s concept.

When the boy heard your footsteps, he looked up, and a wide smile spread across his face. Then, as you walked towards him, his mouth formed an ‘O’.

“Oh, you’ve changed clothes!”

“How do you know?” You asked more out of curiosity than frustration, though now you couldn’t deny that you had actually dressed up for him.

Damn it.

“I’ve seen your photos with your birthday billboards on Instagram,” he explained with a smile, but you told him in a reprimanding tone not to stalk your social media. To which, he laughed and said that he was allowed to. After all, you were his girlfriend and you didn’t send him photos yourself.

You decided to focus on the second part of his sentence because you were still not used to being called his girlfriend (albeit a fake one) even though it had been three months since those Dispatch photos had come to light.

“So now you want photos of me?” You quirked an eyebrow in question, teasing.

“I send you photos of my OOTD all the time. You can do so, too,” he suggested, but he was also grinning the entire time.

You dropped the topic as you both took a seat on the edge of the platform. You were conscious not to flash him in your dress, so you didn’t end up crosslegged like he did, but he didn’t seem to mind. Instead, he started listing what he had prepared and teased that he also got you a present (on top of everything!), but he would give it to you after you finished eating. He admitted that he had looked up your favourite foods on a fanpage of yours, but you just appreciated the gesture even more because of that.

“Thank you so much, Nicholas! This means a lot to me,” you voiced out, visibly touched, because in the past few years, it was rare that you had such an intimate birthday celebration with someone. Last year, you had been too busy with your debut to care about such things, and before that, your birthday was like any other day of the year, spent practising and rehearsing as a trainee.

Nicholas seemed a bit shy hearing your compliment, and mumbled that he hoped you would enjoy it. Whilst eating, you inquired about his day and how his schedule would look in the next couple of days before you ended up talking about everything and anything that came to mind.

That’s one of the things you liked about him. It was easy to talk to him because he listened to you attentively but also shared his opinion with you. Obviously, he did drop a few flirty or teasing remarks here and there, but you were used to them by now. That didn’t mean that they didn’t make you blush.

It was a lovely warm day, but as you were nearing sunset, the weather got colder as well and a shiver ran down your spine when a sudden breeze hit you. Nicholas took note immediately and shrugged off his carding to cover your shoulders with it. However, the gesture also revealed that he wasn’t wearing a black top underneath as you had assumed but only a tank top. Which meant that his muscles were on full display, and it was difficult to tear your gaze away from them even if you tried. He just boosted a content grin seeing your reaction, and you knew there was no use denying what you were looking at.

To divert the topic and his attention from your face, you asked about your present and he stood up to get a paper bag from the nearby bench. You eyed him for a few seconds before grabbing the bag, and when you looked inside, you couldn’t hide a smile forming on your lips.

As you got the pink hoodie out of it, you realised that your initials had been sewn into it in black. So it was just like his hoodie but with opposite colours because he had a pink ‘N’ on his black hoodie. It awfully felt like a couple hoodie, and the thought made you blush deeply.

“Thank you so much! I absolutely love it!” You exclaimed giddily, and gave back his pink cardigan, so that you could put on your hoodie. You twirled around once in front of him before putting your hands on your hips. “How do I look?”

“Like my beautiful girlfriend,” he replied instantly, but there was no hint of playfulness in his voice. He seemed serious which was odd considering the circumstances, but it made you think that he actually meant the words. Which made you feel fuzzy and warm in return, and you couldn’t help but diminish the distance between you two and plant a soft kiss on his cheek.

Nicholas seemed surprised for a few seconds before a cunning smile made its way onto his lips. He clicked his tongue before tilting his head, looking down at you.

“I’m sorry, but that wasn’t convincing enough. Could you do it again?”

He was messing with you, but you didn’t mind. You were far too gone for that.

So you stood on your tiptoes and were about to give him another cheek kiss when he turned his head to face you, so your lips were now dangerously close to his. You only hesitated a second before you planted them on his lips either way. You could feel him smile into the kiss as his left hand came to cup your cheek while his right hand landed on your lower back, pulling you even closer.

You melted into his touch, you melted into him, and it just felt so right. When you placed your hand on his chest to steady yourself, you could feel the erratic beating of his heart underneath, and you realised that he wasn’t as unfazed about your kiss as you would have thought so. Good.

“How about now?” You asked playfully when you came up for air, and he donned that lopsided grin that made you feel weak in the knees.

“It was better, but I think we could practise a bit more.”

“I wouldn’t say no to that,” you played along as you let your hands run through his hair when you leaned in for another kiss.

Nicholas tasted like summer nights, playful banter and gentle care, and you felt like you just couldn’t get enough of him. Might as well write a song about him. Or an album.

For real this time.

A/N: Hope you enjoyed this story of mine. Let me know what you think. I’m always happy to hear your feedback. 😊

The story behind Nicholas' scar was based on his real-life scar's story.

The last scene’s outfit inspiration and the header pic are taken from this X post.

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