Thoughts of an introverted ace

Hi everyone, it’s been a while :D

I just wanted to write down a short update. I’ve got a flat on my own now and am living in a beautiful city <3 Aaaaand more importantly I’ve got two cats!! > v < I’ve waited 5 years (at least) to get to this point! 5 years!! Back then when I still went to school I dreamed of having cats someday when I’m living alone and finally I have reached that point in my life. I’m just so happy because this is what I’ve always wanted*-* These two are just so wonderful and loving, just LOOK AT THEM!! (haha sorry for the awful quality X’D)

Today, I just want to share a little positive story with you :D

I’m REALLY anxious when it comes to phone calls with strangers. Calling a friend or a close family member is no problem, I actually like it, but calling a person I don’t know is really hard. I can’t even make a call to make a doctor’s appointment (I really need to visit the dentist but nope nope nope, no calling for me haha) or call a hairdresser... It’s really awkward.

My current working contract had been temporary until October and therefore I’ve been living with my parents. Then when the contract had been changed to an open-ended contract I decided I could finally search for a flat at my workplace’s city and move out. Yeah, you see, the problem is, to visit an appartment and decide whether it fits me or not, I actually hat to call a real estate broker to make an appointment for looking at the appartment. And since I dreaded even the idea of calling random people I only kept looking at appartments/flats that were ready to move in on websites... And kept looking... and looking... And didn’t move forward.

Until 2 weeks ago. I noticed at home that my family started getting really on my nerves and I finally mustered enough courage to call some real estate brokers. It all went very smoothly. I looked at 3 appartments in total and decided for the last one. And yesterday I signed the rental contract. I’m so happy right now because the appartment is SO LOVELY and I can totally imagine myself living there!! I really look forward to January, because that will be the time I’ll be moving in :D

So, what I wanted to tell you: If you have to do something which goes against your introverted nature, but you have to do it anyways, take your time. But don’t let time overtake you. :)

Thanks for reading! <3

Today I want to write down how I realized I’m asexual.

The first time I noticed I didn’t really need sex was during my first serious relationship with a guy. At that time we did it quite frequently since his sex drive was really high - couldn’t even just cuddle in bed without getting aroused. And since I really wanted to make him happy and thought “well, that’s how it goes in such a relationship” we had sex every time he seemed like he wanted to. Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t dislike it exactly but it didn’t feel good either. I just didn’t care about it. It was rather an annoying thing that you have to do anyways, like homework for school or something.

However, I became quite frustrated when I realized at some point that our relationship wasn’t as deep as I had expected. You know he was a gamer and I loved him for this. We also got to know each other because of games (I love gaming as well). But he often put his priorities wrong - that’s what I think at least and therefore in our emotional bond suffered a lot. At least on my end. I told him how I felt but he couldn’t do anything about it. That’s just the way he is, he said. I became so frustrated at one week-end I declined having sex with him and I think that was the point where he noticed our relationship was damaged. And decided it was no good going on like this. So he said we should break up.

I was heavily heartbroken for a whole week. I told my friends one after another and also my mom and ended up crying everytime I talked about it. After this week I was over it, because I realized that there simply were less things I had to worry about and I finally became happy again.

Anyways, after this I thought a lot about romantic relationships and whether they really had to consist of frequent sex. And I decided for myself that I would never have sex with a guy again until I really felt that I wanted to. And that I would concentrate and favor the emotional part of the relationship, because this is what should really matter. I also told my closest friends and some guy (that was interested in me apparently O.o) about this and that was when I was told for the first time I “just needed to find the right guy”. Since my ex was probably just bad in bed. Lol, nope, you’re wrong, I thought to myself but let them talk.

One and a half year later I stumbled upon the term “asexual” (ace) for the first time - at least conciously. And the more I read about it the more I realized this was what I was: Asexual. I’ve never had crushes at school, I’ve never been interested in any hot band members or actors (male or female) and I’ve never had the urge to have sex. Aroused? Yes. Masturbated? Yes. But I’ve never wanted to actually HAVE sex. People talking about sex grossed me out because I immediately had to imagine them having sex. It all made sense to me now.

At some point I realized that I was probably even autochorissexual. This means I don’t mind watching sex scenes in movies or read about it in books and comics but I have no desire to have sex myself. The reason why I put all these labels on me is that I simply love to have words to describe what I am. That there are terms that show I’m not the only one. This is what made my discovery of the term “asexual” so joyful: That there were others like me. That I wasn’t strange and that I wasn’t alone. There is a whole community supporting who I am and I think that’s beautiful. I know that there are a lot of people who despise all those labels, because they think that people should mind there own business and everybody should be able to be as they like. But labels can be useful, as the label “asexual” has been in my case. I finally found a place where I fit in and I’m really happy about it.

Anyways, this is how I discovered I was (and am) ace :)

I'm currently on the way to my friend who suffers from depression and anorexia nervosa. She's staying at a clinic atm and I'm really proud of her that she's getting help. BUT I still don't like to serve as her mailman. "My mom forgot to bring me my cheese, can you get it and bring it along, please?" Me: "No problem :)" And again... "Ah and I forgot something to give my mom to take it back home... Can I give it to you instead and you-" Me: "Seriously, stop. I come to visit you and not to be your friggin mailman..." I often get the feeling people make use of my kindness. And that sucks. /ranting off

I recently joined a private group on Facebook (it's called Introvert Nation in case someone is interested) which is full of introverts like me, myself. I really enjoy posting and commenting in that group because everyone is just SO KIND. I've never imagined meeting so many people online that are so understanding, welcoming and warm-hearted! I have seen NO angry or hurtful posting in this group or rantings or anything aggressive so far. This has never happened to me before and I was really surprised. This group is a place where introverts gather and can speak what's going on with them without having to fear the judgement of others. The people in this group understand exactly what we are all going through. Finally this is a place where it's not strange to write "A friend asked me to go to a party with them but I'd rather stay home watching Netflix with my cat". This is the place and the people I belong to and I'm really happy I found this group.

This is a fitting place for me. At least I think so :D

Therefore this will be the place I will write down my thoughts and things that happen in my life.