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"There are three primary factors that promote healthy self-esteem in childhood. As we have emphasized in this book, the first and most important factor in the development of healthy self-esteem is consistent expressed delight from attachment figures toward the child throughout childhood. Kohut (1971) characterized the foundation of this as “the gleam in the mother’s eye.” Healthy parents are openly expressive about their positive feelings toward their children. Such parents enjoy (almost) everything that the child does and readily express their delight in the noticed behavioral changes in the growing child. More important, such parents take delight in their child’s unique being and express this both directly and indirectly to the child. Positive emotional expression from the parents pervades everything about the interactions with the child over time, and the child internalizes the parents’ expressed positive emotion and directly links it to the developing sense of self. The developmental outcome is healthy self-esteem, or the consistent experience of positive emotions about the self when the self-sense and its defining qualities are evoked. The second source of healthy self-esteem is the repeated experience of mastery in childhood, especially during what Mahler et al. (1975) call the “practicing” period. During this time, the child will explore and experiment with what he or she finds and will thereby discover and develop his or her strengths and competencies, leading to a sense of mastery in some circumstances; the greater the mastery, the greater the self-esteem. However, children who lack an experiential foundation of consistent expressed delight from attachment figures, and especially children whose attachment figures were positive only in response to the child’s successful doing, are at risk of using the sense of mastery, and self-agency in general, to overcompensate for the absence of early positive mirroring. Such children grow up to be highly successful but unhappy people, because doing more and more, however effective, can never be a substitute for feeling positive in one’s being. The third source of healthy self-esteem in older, latency-age children is the establishment of structure and consistent limit-setting (Cotton, 1983). If older children are not given enough structure or clear limits, their behavior becomes unfocused and directionless, which is erosive to what might already be a good foundation of self-esteem if there had been consistent expressed delight and experiences of mastery."

some people might offer to help them but it's rare they ever know where to start, let alone exhibit compassion without grimace. admittedly, even for genuinely compassionate people, it isn't the easiest thing. if the person is someone who is stuck in their ways or doesn't know you, they don't really have a reason to be receptive to your help. "why should I waste my time on someone who is just going to become another memory of heartache? someone who will carelessly hurt and abandon me?" and such. an earnest attempt to help can feel like an attempted assault to them. at the same time, the meaningful interpersonal relationships that these people need will not survive if built on pity or fleeting self-gratifying feelings of "building" someone into your idea of a desirable person.

HOW TO TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF AFTER A LAPSE

1. Recognize that lapsing is a normal part of recovery. 

I don’t say that to justify lapsing or use as a cop out when things get difficult. I say it as a reminder that your recovery doesn’t have to be perfect in order to produce results. That said, no one’s recovery is perfect. Everyone has set backs and struggles. Everyone makes mistakes, messes up, and reverts to old behaviors — not because they’re weak or incapable, but because recovery is really, really difficult. Your behaviors helped you cope with trauma and incredible emotional pain. They allowed you to numb out and they kept you afloat when you felt like you were drowning. Letting go of something that helped you survive for so long is not easy. And it doesn’t happen over the course of a few days or months. It’s terrifying, painful, incredibly challenging, and it takes time. So be compassionate with yourself and your process. You’re doing the best you can to fight this and recover and it’s all you can ask of yourself. 

2. Use the lapse as a learning experience. 

You can’t go back in time and change the fact that you lapsed, but you can choose how you respond to it. You can wallow in self-pity, beat yourself up, and use what happened as an excuse to continue using behaviors. Or you can choose to use what happened as a learning experience. You can look at the lapse as an opportunity to collect important information about what triggers you to use behaviors and what you need in the moment to avoid a future lapse. 

3. Be curious.

Judging yourself for having a lapse doesn’t get you anywhere. It makes you feel worse and it keeps you stuck. Instead of feeding the cycle of self-hatred, treat yourself with compassionate curiosity and start asking questions:

What need did you have in the moment that wasn’t being met? Were you feeling lonely? Sad? Depressed? Angry? Hurt? Disappointed? Rejected? Invisible? Inadequate? When you turned to behaviors to cope, what were you really looking for? Did you need to feel safe? Did you need a way to express your feelings? Did you need to feel seen and heard? Did you need a distraction? Comfort? Control? How could you have gotten that need met in a non self-destructive way? And how can you take care of yourself in the future when these triggers come up again?

You don’t have to know the answer to all of these questions right now, but it’s important to start exploring and being curious.

4. Treat yourself like you would a friend.

If you had a friend or loved one who lapsed, you wouldn’t put them down. You wouldn’t call them a failure. You wouldn’t see them as worthless. And you wouldn’t discount all the progress they had made. You would treat them with kindness and compassion. You would give them a hug, remind them of how far they’ve come, and reassure them that just because they had one lapse doesn’t mean they can’t turn things around and get back on track. 

Well, you’re not an exception. You deserve to be treated with the same forgiveness and love you would so willingly give to anyone else who was struggling. So when your self-hating thoughts get loud and tell you that you’re a failure for lapsing, challenge them. And if in the moment it’s difficult to be nice to yourself, think of what you would say to someone you care about and apply those positive counters to your own thoughts. 

5. Reach out.

Don’t isolate and withdraw. It may feel safer, but it only perpetuates the pain you feel and keeps you stuck. In order to get back on track, you have to talk about what happened. You have to be honest with yourself and your support network. You have to give yourself permission to ask for help, use your voice, and make your needs known. Keeping secrets keeps us sick. If we want to heal, we have to break the silence. 

6. Get extra support.

If you’re struggling, you deserve to ask for help. Denying yourself extra support when things start going down hill isn’t noble or self-sacrificing. It’s self-destruction, and it’s a sure-fire way to put yourself at risk for another lapse. There is nothing shameful about asking for more help. It doesn’t make you weak. It doesn’t make you a disappointment. And it doesn’t make you a burden. It makes you someone with the courage to be honest and the strength to make recovery a priority. It makes you determined and admirable and brave. It’s self-care and in order to get back on track and heal, it’s imperative. 

7. Focus on progress, not perfection. 

If you’re in a neutral mood, make it clear that you’re not angry, upset, or unhappy; you’re merely feeling sort of “whatever” and that has nothing to do with your friend.

If you’re tired, busy, or otherwise in a situation that will leave you giving short answers, explain it. “Sorry I’m giving such short answers, it’s been a long day and I’m pretty tired,” or “Sorry I’ve been giving you one-word replies. I’ve been working on a project today and that’s kept me really occupied.”

If you’re upset about something else and you’re comfortable sharing it, it could help. “I’m probably coming across as a little angry today. I got to my car and there was a parking ticket on it, and I’ve just been frustrated all day.”