In Session with Eleni

17/07/2020

We are currently living through a never-seen-before global pandemic that has affected every single living creature on the planet. Escalating like wildfire, COVID-19 has left people from every corner of the earth feeling confused, frightened & powerless. Each country has gone about things differently, though each remains directly connected with each other via the same devastating event. And months later, we still aren’t out of the woods…

*Before I get into things, I do wish to note that I am fully aware how extremely fortunate I am. Please don’t feel that I am in any way minimising the severity this global crisis. I have not lost a loved one to this disaster. I have not lost my business, or my home, & I have not experienced the terrifying ordeal of testing positive. For this I am enormously grateful. Be assured that I write the following whilst also keeping in mind those less fortunate than me, those who are now grieving family members, who have been trapped at home with an abusive partner, or have had crucial medical procedures indefinitely postponed... I am hopeful that my words will offer you some comfort, whatever your circumstances during this time.*

With the above in mind, are there any non-environmental positives that can be found amongst this catastrophe? What life lessons have I learnt from being confined at home for 17 weeks as a ‘vulnerable’ person?

 * LESSON (1) ---> HAVE FAITH IN YOUR ADAPTATION SKILLS!:

I started my lockdown experience feeling frustrated, an emotion I managed via completing daily exercise. This coping strategy however was rudely brought to a standstill by two ear infections & a fractured toe!  So I started reading & writing more instead, which in turn led to these blogs! I also had to complete therapy sessions via the telephone rather than face-to-face, & so I bought myself a headset & re-organised the study. I then came up with the idea of offering text therapy, to assist those struggling with privacy whilst stuck indoors, & this was a great success! Via having the time to research mental health related topics & appreciating the calming effects of nature more than ever, I am now offering ‘walk and talks’, a means of therapy I had barely even heard of prior to lockdown.

My point? I adapted. I was unable to carry on living the way I normally did, & so without even realising, my brain adapted to suit my new reality. Take a moment to think about how, since lockdown, you too have adapted the way you work, parent, socialise or keep fit? Drunken zoom calls with friends? Bringing out your never-before-used gym equipment from the garage? New recipes? Home-schooling? Them meetings that ‘could have been an email’ actually becoming an email!? All these are perfect examples of adaptation. This skill does not only keep us safe, it also creates a new healthier mindset, which in turn can transform into inspiration, courage, & an in-depth appreciation of what really matters to us. Aren’t our minds incredible?!?

 * LESSON (2) ---> IT’S THE SIMPLE THINGS IN LIFE…:

Cliché, I know! But it’s true, would you not agree?

It was weeks before I was able to leave the house to take the dogs on a walk, & when I eventually did…wow! It was amazing! The fresh air, the trees, the smells, there was even a vibrant rainbow in the sky above me, leading the way. It was beautiful! I returned home feeling grateful & really grounded.

Now don’t get me wrong, I love walking (you have no choice in the matter when you are a dog owner)! But I must admit that mindfulness is not always a priority when I am out & about. It’s so easy to get caught up with random thoughts & planning ahead & worrying about nonsense, that we often lose sight of what is right in front of us (literally & metaphorically speaking)! I’m sure a lot of you are guilty of this too!

Reflecting back on my time in lockdown, it’s the simple things that remain highlighted in my mind – laughing hysterically watching a comedy or bickering over board-game rules. I am not proud to admit that these are things I now feel I have taken for granted in the past. But I can say with confidence that I have learnt now to be more thankful for these moments as a result. I would definitely recommend that you make an effort to be more present in day-to-day tasks, rather than wait anxiously for the holiday, the night-out, the ‘big day’. There is nothing wrong with having something to look forward to! But as lockdown has highlighted…it’s the small things in life that matter the most!

 * LESSON (3) ---> YOU CAN SURVIVE ANYTHING THAT IS THROWN YOUR WAY!:

This pandemic has changed life as we knew it. I wish I could sit here & reassure you that everything will get back to normal really soon. I unfortunately cannot do that. I am just as taken aback & unsure about what the future holds, as you.

I can’t however help but think about the quote that says ‘So far your track record of surviving your worst days in life is 100%!’ How true is that?

So no, I can’t reassure you that this will soon become nothing but a distant memory. But I can reassure you that you will be fine. Bad days will pass & better ones will come. It won’t all be smooth sailing moving forward, but rest assured we will find our way. We always do.

Your mood dropping, your anxiety escalating, your tears, your outbursts etc., do not make you any less resilient or capable. You deserve to be happy & healthy & confident. So stay strong, be kind to yourself & be truly proud of how well you are coping!

19/06/2020

We’ve all been there… Suddenly, every lyric of every love song makes so much sense. There are couples E-V-E-R-Y-W-H-E-R-E, loved up, holding hands, rubbing their happiness in your face. You have a genuine emotional meltdown over losing your phone charger. You cry hysterically when you see that person on TV that kind of looks like your ex if you squint & tilt your head ever so slightly to the left! You go out with your friends in attempt to distract yourself, but instead feel overwhelmed & dissociated. Let’s face it, going through heartache is probably not our brightest or proudest life chapters!

What happens when you come out the other side though…?

  *        LESSON (1) ---> RELATIONSHIPS ARE COMPLICATED!

This isn’t to say every relationship is doomed, or a constant uphill challenge. Not at all. But they are complex. Think about it. Two random people meet. Different upbringings, memories, life -experiences, views, thought processes, ages, hobbies, dislikes, coping strategies, interests, genders, fears etc etc. And a process begins, during which both parties are (usually!) on their best behaviour, show genuine interest in learning everything there is to know about the other person, whilst at the same time showing vulnerability by opening up about themselves also. If all goes well at this point, the two then mutually decide to begin intertwining their lives & building their future together. This is huge! It brings alongside it so many changes, loved ones sharing their opinions (‘You guys are great together!’ or ‘Are you sure she/he is the one for you?’), scary financial discussions, careers ending or beginning, unfortunate sudden life events, health concerns etc etc. And it never ends! But all the above are 100% worth it, because being in love & feeling happy, supported & secure is AMAZING!

I had to experience the intense pain that comes with heartbreak & make it through to the other end, to truly realise that actually, it was not my fault that my relationship didn’t work out. Sometimes two people are just too different, the timing is not right, the circumstances aren’t suitable. Your partner ending your relationship does not mean that there is something wrong with you or that you will never find love again. It means that your relationship ran its course, & it was not meant to be.

(Please note: The above thoughts are based around non-abusive relationships only.)

  *        LESSON (2) ---> ‘LOVE LANGUAGES’

Technically I learnt this lesson in therapy, but it was during discussing historical heartbreak. If you aren’t aware of the ‘5 Love Languages’, get googling, it is worth looking into further!

These are:

Words of Affirmation (someone expressing their love verbally)

Quality Time (spending time together)

Receiving Gifts (great or small purchases)

Acts of Service (kind day-to-day gestures)

Physical Touch (physical closeness, holding hands, hugging etc.)

According to the theory, each individual will primarily fall into one of these categories. It’s important to note also that people tend to subconsciously show love to others, in the same manner they would like to receive it.

For example, if you fall into the first category, you will find it easy to express your love to your partner via words (you will probably be the one sending cheesy lengthy texts!) If you partner also falls into that category, you will be the receiver of loving words too, therefore there will be a mutual expression of love. Great!

What happens if your partner falls into a different category though? You may only receive a brief reply, which in turn could lead to you feeling insecure, frustrated or unloved. Meanwhile, your partner, who for example may fall into the ‘Gift’ category, might be thinking ‘When was the last time I got a gift, I’m always the one treating her/him!’ In turn this could result in them feeling the same uncomfortable feelings as you.

See? I told you relationships are complicated!

  *        LESSON (3) ---> ‘LIFE GOES ON!’

A very vivid memory that comes to mind from the start of my heartbreak, was waking up one morning, turning on the TV, & for a few minutes feeling absolutely enraged with the cast of the ‘This Morning’ show: ‘How dare they just get on with things & act as normal when my whole life had crumbled down?!’ Writing that down, I now realise how bizarre & deranged that sounds! (I’m fine now, I promise!)

I find it quite amusing how that very same thought that made me furious, was the same thought that later set me free. Life does indeed go on. I’m sure anyone that has experienced heartbreak following any kind of loss, will understand feeling angry & sad & scared & annoyed & jealous & hopeful & hopeless, all at the same time! We make it through though. Somehow, someway… And one thing we will always be able to count on, is that life well & truly goes on!

29/05/2020

I received my Crohn’s disease diagnosis in May 2016, after experiencing months of extreme physical pain, emotional exhaustion & mental confusion (I was NOT having a good year!). Prior to this, as one should be in their 20’s, I was relatively carefree & quite active. Almost overnight, that healthy energetic person disappeared. Her place taken by someone scared & embarrassed. Suddenly, I wasn’t spending my free time with friends or at the gym, but sat in hospital waiting rooms surrounded by distressed strangers. I was being prescribed various medications with unpronounceable titles & terrifying side effects, & was expected to immediately begin taking these – no questions asked.

Fast forward to today, those dark times are luckily behind me (for now at least!). I am still popping pills on a daily basis – but have learnt to pronounce these by now! I also have to inject myself with a really scary drug fortnightly, avoid certain foods, & accept that my body will no longer allow me to be as active as I would like to be. I still get bouts of feeling very afraid of what the future may hold. BUT, things do not feel as bleak as they did back then. And I have definitely enjoyed holidays, night-outs, long walks & a cocktail or two in the recent years, so no need to feel too bad for me!

There have been three major life lessons my ongoing Crohn’s journey has taught me so far:

        LESSON (1) ---> ‘DON’T JUDGE A BOOK BY IT’S COVER!’

So many life-changing & chronic physical health issues are entirely invisible to the naked eye. Crohn’s, colitis, diabetes, epilepsy, fibromyalgia, asthma, migraines, food allergies, multiple sclerosis, to name a few. Need I highlight the obvious? Mental health issues are almost always invisible too. Depression, PTSD, OCD, social anxiety, personality disorders, post-natal depression, the list could go on & on. It’s so important to remember: ‘not every disability is visible!’

It still impacts me to this day how some people look at me when I’m being instructed to walk through for a blood test as a priority, or when I’m stood in front of them in the pharmacy queue. I am only presuming of course, but it does often seem like they are thinking ‘Why is she going first? She looks fine, I’m clearly more sick than she is.’ Why on earth am I made to feel like I am doing something wrong, just because I am not visibly unwell!? (Saying that, I could also be getting funny looks because of my daunting Greek surname, who knows?!)

My point is, be considerate & don’t judge people. The very same person who has just posted that gorgeous selfie on social media, may have been overcome with pure desperation just minutes later. The ‘rude’ person getting on the train may be experiencing an intense panic attack. That friend that keeps turning up unannounced may be in desperate need of distraction from their physical or mental health worries. The driver behind you that honked his horn the second the traffic lights turned green, may be on his way to a life-changing hospital appointment, or in desperate need of the loo!

So please be kind! We never really know what someone is going through.

         LESSON (2) ----> THE ‘SPOON THEORY’

Any of my clients reading this will know all about the famous ‘spoon theory’ from me waffling on about it during sessions. For anyone that hasn’t heard of this before, the ‘spoon theory’ suggests that healthy people have unlimited ‘spoonfuls’ of energy/effort/ability each day, however people with an illness or those going through some form of trauma, do not. Therefore these must use their numbered ‘spoons’ wisely as to avoid ‘burn-out’. As someone with an invisible illness, I thought I’d benefit from a personal reminder that some days are going to be harder than others, & so chose to get a spoon tattooed on my forearm!

I’m not suggesting you all get tattoos, don’t panic! I am however suggesting that you show yourself compassion when going through a challenging chapter. For example, if you are struggling with low mood at present or physical pain, it is literally impossible for you to be as productive as usual. So instead of piling more & more on your to-do list & feeling terrible for ‘failing’ at these ‘simple’ tasks, why not remove some items instead? Spend your precious spoons on the tasks that will benefit you here & now. In practical terms, if you feel you have 3 spoons today, you will not be able to use 10! It really is as simple as that. So adjust your to do-lists accordingly.

Tomorrow is another day, give yourself time!

          LESSON 3) ---> ‘GRIEF IS A ROLLER-COASTER!’

What has grief got to do with illness? Well…everything! 

There is a great & complex amount of loss that comes with illness. You are no longer the same person once you fall ill, especially if this illness is chronic. You can lose the ability to do certain things or go certain places. You can lose precious time at medical appointments or sorting through medications. You can lose touch with individuals that don’t seem to understand the magnitude of what has happened to you. You can lose faith. You can lose hope. You can lose independence. You can lose confidence. So OF COURSE you are going to be grieving!

The main theory around loss suggests that there are seven different stages of grief (feel free to explore further in your own time, it really is interesting). These are:

1)     Shock

2)     Denial

3)     Anger

4)     Bargaining

5)     Depression

6)     Testing

7)     Acceptance

As promising as the final stage seems, unfortunately bereavement is an ongoing process & definitely not linear. What this means is, once you reach ‘acceptance’, you don’t necessarily stay there. It is also worth mentioning that each & every individual experiences grief in their own unique way, & that external factors can massively impact this too. No wonder bereavement is such a complicated process!

What does all this mean? Well it means, if you have lost something, it is OK to feel angry about it. If you have been made redundant at work, it’s OK to not throw yourself into job applications & interviews the very next day. If a loved one has passed away, it’s OK to feel low about it 3 years later, or 5, or 10!

15/05/2020

As a therapist, I spend a great majority of time listening to people’s stories, (the good, the bad, & the ugly!), reading articles, attending training for my own professional & personal development, & generally throwing myself into ‘everything mental health & therapy’. Some of you may think that this sounds very tiring & overwhelming…..well, I absolutely love it!

Obviously the main element of being a therapist is, of course, supporting the emotional & mental wellbeing of my clients. I offer a safe space for them to offload, a brief time-out from their busy lives, a brew (pre-pandemic!), an empathetic ear, words of wisdom, & ultimately, a flicker of light in their darkest times. My role is to walk beside them offering stability, comfort, hope & strength.

I am always humbled throughout our sessions with the amount of appreciation & thanks I receive from my clients. Maybe I have been lucky or maybe this is the case for all therapists, but I can genuinely say I have been blessed with working alongside beautiful, kind & generous people.

It also always amuses me how they have no idea how much they have helped me also…

  LESSON 1) ---> WE ARE ALL COMPLETELY MAD!

…Surely then, this means that we are all actually entirely sane, & dare I use the forbidden word ‘normal’? I’ll show you what I mean. My first session with a new client usually goes as follows:

-        Me: ‘So what has brought you here today?’

-        Client: ‘Well, I don’t know where to start, you’ll probably think I’m crazy the more I talk, I’m terrible at putting things into words, I’m so broken, I’m so sorry for weighing you down with all this…’

Does this sounds familiar? A few minutes later I hear how they have felt very overwhelmed due to a sudden major life change, a loved one passing away, a partner betraying them, a panic attack taking over them in the middle of Tesco’s,  crying over the hoover not working or feeling like a terrible person for standing on their dogs tail by accident. Fast forward a few sessions, I hear how people don’t feel like they can trust themselves, don’t love themselves, don’t feel like they deserve to be happy, or truly long to feel happy but have no idea how to get there. How they won’t allow themselves to cry or don’t want to show any sign of weakness to loved ones as to not cause them to worry etc etc.

Does this ring a bell? Be honest, we have all been there, some more than others, and in our own unique ways.

But ultimately, if the above is a sign of being ‘crazy’, well...I’m crazy too, and so are you! And how comforting is that? Knowing that we truly are all in this together!

 LESSON 2) ---> DISTRACTION WORKS!

Avoidance doesn’t! But distraction, as a temporary or ‘when needed’ coping technique, works like a charm. If you are feeling overwhelmed or find yourself constantly overthinking & questioning things, this is your mind’s way of telling you, to take some time-out.  Whether that be going on a walk, binge watching a show, using grounding techniques, putting your favourite song on really loud, whatever you choose, distraction helps! Self-care at it’s finest! It helps make space in your brain & in your heart, allowing you to return to whatever it is that is troubling you, feeling calmer & more resilient.

The reason I know distraction is so powerful is because, every session is a distraction for me! From my own thoughts, my own life, my own worries. Please don’t feel like this means I am not fully committed to my clients or that I am ‘using’ them! Quite the opposite! Anyone that has worked with me will hopefully have felt that I am 100% focused on them, which is my point exactly!

In the hour I spend with someone, I put all my personal worries, fears, emotions, opinions & traumas aside, & fully allow myself to fall into their story. It honestly takes a good few minutes after the session reaches an end for me to come ‘back in the room’ (‘…oh *£&%, I forgot to turn the washer on!’). And I love that! I feel like I can return to my personal issues with more ‘oomph’! If I am extra lucky, something that was brought up throughout our session could be adapted & used towards solving whatever it is I was worried about before my client arrived (not the washer bit unfortunately, but you get what I mean!)

It’s a win win!

 LESSON 3) ---> ‘I CAN DO ANYTHING, BUT NOT EVERYTHING!’

You are so incredibly strong & resilient! Especially someone willing to put all their fears, vulnerabilities & secrets on the table, only to be stared at & unpicked by a (to begin with) stranger! This is why I’m always so proud of clients for taking that first step into their initial therapy session.

Nothing is impossible! You can get over your ex, start your own business, save money & finally go on that holiday you have been going on about, control anxiety, adjust your boundaries to suit you better, conquer your fear of spiders, become more confident, feel more positive….all is achievable!

I have spent hours in front of clients consumed by self-doubt & panic, absolutely certain that they will not be able to get through whatever it is they were going through. Without realising that they were, there & then, in fact, doing just that! Going through whatever it is they were going through, allowing time to pass, tears to be cried, words to be told & emotions to be felt. They were doing it, whilst sat there with their head in their hands, holding onto a tissue, & were completely oblivious to it! They at the time have absolutely no idea that they are getting closer & closer to where & who they crave to be.