Internet Therapy

I'd like to know

how the winter air feels

as it burns her lips,

if it makes her think of me,

if she remembers

the color of my eyes.

I imagine the cold summons

her habitually unattainable memory of I

; a seasonal salting of an incorrigible wound.

In cold moon lit rooms

through blood shot eyes

I can see her face in my reflection,

if I look hard enough.

Sometimes if I squint,

just so

Its a bot.

The online chat for the national suicide hotline is a bot.

If this is the help

But I have been surviving off of only coffee and pop corner sea salt chips for the last 3 months.

I have not self harmed since my 21st birthday

But I stopped reaching out to friends and family and blocked everyone who tried reaching out to me

I have not self harmed

But my shower water is scalding hot and I sit and wait to see how long I can withstand the burning because I can FEEL that.

I have not harmed

But I didn't eat yesterday, and I don't think I need to eat today

Because I don't think

I deserve anything

I have

Because one of my scars

Should have been the end

At 25

Alone

In the home I own.

Maybe it was never really

Just for

I put my son first,

which meant to her

that I put her behind -

beneath.

I put my son first

because he needs me

more than

she ever did.

I put my son first

because when

she put him in harms way

I chose his safety

over our friendship,

and I don't feel bad

because I would do it again

any damn day.

I put my son first.

We wipe their tears,

and answer the phone at 2am.

We brush mattes of out of hair,

and hold hands at dentist appointments.

She spews toxic waste from her mouth

filling their heads with insecurities

and doubt

that they can ever amount to more

than the shell of what she is.

On Mother's day I bought you flowers,

while your kids

bought some

Was motherhood a selfish choice?

He never asked to be born,

born into this world

that is full of everything I hate.

Maybe he will find the joy,

find the good that is left here.

If there is any left to be found.

But

Maybe he is the joy,

maybe he is the good.

I believe he is better than I

better than his father

better than this society

in which he will be forced to conform.

I'm afraid of what this world will do to him

My job is to provide and protect,

but how do I protect him from the world

who wants to send him to a school

where the children are used as target practice

as the police stand back

and watch

and wait

and arrest

the mothers

running into the gun shots

to save

their child.

Because a mother's job is to protect

I still want to die,

but the want is no longer a call to action

but more an ominous predator

stalking its prey.

I still want to die,

but I can't stomach the idea of my baby

in his elementary class

having to tell his friends,

"My Mama killed herself"

I still want to die

but I can't let my baby know.

He can't grow if that weight is on his shoulders.

I still want to die,

but it's not pushing it off until next week

or next month

I no longer get to choose

It won't be by my hand anymore.

I let go

control of my time

I die everyday

piece

by

piece

I am killing the old me

every day

I become

more

and more

like someone I don't know

I just hope

she can love me

I abandoned this page at the start of the pandemic. When I started I was 23, newly wed and struggling. I was starving myself and my biggest fear was gaining weight. Now I can't help but to roll my eyes at that.

WEIGHT

how trivial

WEIGHT

how childish

WEIGHT

almost laughable considering where we are now

wait...

it is as if we derailed from the life that was written for us.

But he is wonderful and kind his blue eyes make the entire world

wait...

But that wasn't the plan, there was no time to think about it, but the timing was just so perfectly that we didn't even have to

wait.

He couldn't wait.

6 weeks too early

he was 6 pounds

he had blonde hair and tiny IV tubes

10 fingers 10 toes and just a little bit yellow

I remember bringing him home just to bring him back

back to the hospital where he was just born,

just until we could go home for good

he was perfect,

but

When I got home I noticed

I don't know who that is in the mirror

I see myself in him but I don't see my self in me.

Who Am I ?

Is this body even mine anymore?

Am I even mine anymore. Wait ...

My days are spent blowing bubbles and having cuddles on the couch,

walks in the woods picking out cool rocks

I can name all the character from Cars

and memorized the Wiggles choreography.

I brought him to dine in castles and soar on dinosaurs.

We adventure, he and I.

I am pursuing his happiness,

because I can't find mine

in any place

But I couldn't purge, because I was too drunk by the point I realized

My calorie intake skyrocketed past 2000

I got drunk

I got high

And I ate

Everything.

I just went grocery shopping so there wasn't many unhealthy options but oh I found some.

I hate myself

I feel disgusting.

I let my body down.