The Indomitable Megnolia

OH MY GOD ! 🥵

Happy birthday to me 😭😭

Printers are notorious for claiming they’re out of ink when they haven’t come close to the suggested number of prints, and their cartridges literally still have ink in them. So after a bit of googling I found out how to ‘reset’ a cartridges automatic stopping system (its literally 1 physical wheel on the cartridge that you gotta turn back). The only downside is that I don’t get a digital ink monitor, but since it told me it was empty when still half full, I don’t mind. 

Like, you can just jiggle with some shit and solve one of the biggest money making scams in the post-industrial world and I don’t think people realise its that easy. 

Or, like, repairing your own technology. A few months ago, I swapped out my sister’s laptop screen. Did it myself, I removed maybe 4 screws, no vital parts were exposed and it cost me $40. I even got a choice of matte or glossy. 

1) ThePirateBay is still functional. (It’s not the same pirate bay that it was back in the day, but let’s not get into Theseus’ ship territory. It’s still here and it still works, that’s all that matters.) There are plenty of torrent sites around, more than there were 10 years ago – although overall traffic has plummeted. Now as then, it’s a whack-a-mole game.

2) Why was it “leagues easier” a decade ago? Some countries, not all (not north America, for example), now mandate ISP blocking of torrent sites, but this new complication can be bypassed with one (1) step: a google duckduckgo search for proxies. No government agency or ISP can possibly keep up with proxies, it’s yet another whack-a-mole game. So yes, it was technically easier before, but I don’t see “leagues” anywhere.

3) It was safer before? Are you shitting me? Have you lot forgotten that the legal departments of MPAA and RIAA sued torrent sharers (not even uploaders) and asked for millions of dollars for damages? AND GOT THEM? (By which I mean they didn’t actually get millions since the people they sued didn’t have any, but said people were convicted and ruined and that was the goal in the first place. It was a deeply amoral and cynical scare tactic.) Well they stopped doing that at some point, and focused on hunting P2P and torrent sites. Running a site is certainly less safe today. Using one, though? Depending on where you are, the ISP may be allowed to block you after repeated instances, and that’s it. You’re not getting in trouble with the law or into crippling debt. And either way there’s only a minuscule chance that any of this will come to pass, which becomes zero (0) with a VPN. (Safety of course depends on the country, and in some cases piracy is the least of your concerns. Let’s not get into that.)

4) Ten years ago there was no Sci-Hub, and Library Genesis was in its infancy. If today it’s harder to find PDFs on google, it is orders of magnitude easier and more reliable to find them elsewhere. People just have to unstick their minds from the notion that stuff is either on google or doesn’t exist at all. Geez.

5) P2P still exists. IRC (the sharing channels in particular, #bookz and the like) still exists. Torrenting functions like it always did. All these methods are exactly as easy to use as before, i.e. not necessarily a piece of cake, there’s a learning curve. But it’s the same learning curve it was 10 years ago.

6) So what have we lost? Only YouTube (meh, the film/tv quality was appalling anyway, and music is still there) and direct downloads (at least the permanent ones: there are plenty of them still around, but files expire and you need to keep track of what goes up when. So this goes beyond knowhow, it’s about internet communities. Let’s not get into that either, it’s a huge subject.) It’s a loss, sure, but I wouldn’t call it a terrible blow.

7) And in exchange for that loss, we got streaming sites. This is piracy, too, and it’s much much easier than torrents, and tons of people do it. Any “piracy has declined” narrative either implies that we’re excluding streaming from the discussion for some reason, or is flat out wrong. Ten years ago, grandpa couldn’t possibly torrent a film, and it’s debatable if he even knew how to open the file you helpfully sent him. Now, as long as someone has set up kodi or similar, grandpa can watch it on his tv and it just feels like cable.

8) On why torrents in particular have declined in recent years, see here. It’s a big subject and I didn’t cover all of it, but the main reason is that people had access to easier methods to get what they wanted (some legal and affordable, some illegal and free), so they didn’t need to learn how to torrent. Ergo, they never did. There’s more of course, and there’s definitely a cultural shift too, but that’s a very long story so let’s not get into it. The linked post also includes some thoughts on why torrents aren’t dead and doomed just yet, and ooh, I forgot a very important one: you can’t stream photoshop.

To summarise, internet piracy is NOT more difficult, unreliable, and unsafe today than it was 10 or 20 years ago. For reasons why people (young or otherwise) seem less versed in it, please look elsewhere. I have thoughts on that too, but this is already a very long post, so I’ll just leave you with the best kind of thought. I’ll leave you with a doubt:

Materpost: A curated Githup tutorial of links to more torrent sites, software, VPNs, uBlock origin filters, ect. Basically everything you could ever want starting out. Do be warned though it doesn’t appear to have been updated in awhile so a few of the links are dead.

GAMES:

Vimm’s Roms: NES era->ps3 era roms and emulators to play them. Has user ratings on games. Cons: slow download speeds.

NxBrew: Switch roms/game updates/dlc

nsw2u: More switch roms. Check here if nxbrew doesn’t have the game you’re looking for.

Hshop: 3ds games/updates/dlc. Very well organized and sorted by console region. Bonus ability to generate QR codes to scan with homebrew to begin download directly on your console.

Oldgamesdownload: Old 90’s-2000’s PC games and some gamecube games. Technically, all of the games here are abandon ware, meaning the original company/creator doesn’t sell nor make money from the games anymore period. If you’re into that.

Fitgirl repacks: Heavily compressed PC games, and other various consoles. Small downloads and faster speeds for the size of the games. Somewhat limited game selection.

Steam unlocked: Steam games with easy-to-use installers. Check here if fitgirl doesn’t have what you’re looking for.

Steam Underground: A user forum for piracy support, usually about installing cracked games. Does have some scattered PC game downloads.

Google doc of Skyrim SE creation club content.

Amiibo life: Amiibo bins, can be loaded with some homebrew to load in games without any external source, or, if you buy writable NFC cards, you can make your own free amiibos.

Books:

Library Genesis: a good all-in-one ebook finder. Has books, magazines, scientific papers, ect. Well organized and able to sort by Author, Genre, ect ect. Almost all books in .epub format

Calibre: Not piracy but a free software for reading said .epub files, and other ebook formats. Good for sorting your books.

Sci-Hub: Research papers, academic books, pdfs, ect. Helpful for collage students.

IT ebook: eBooks about learning programming languages.

audiobookbay: Audiobook downloads.

Booksonic: Audiobook streaming.

5e.tools: Dnd player’s manual, guide, ect.

Books on learning various languages.

Mangadex: Manga, Doujinshi.      

Headspace sleep audio.

Various books and manuals.

Streaming:

ustvgo: Free streaming of live tv, has most US cable tv channels.

tutturu: Spiritual successor to Rabbit, allows you to stream your screen with friends.

Yes movies: Movies

Kimcartoon: Cartoons/animated movies

aniwatcher: Anime

animedao: Anime

Computer software:

getintopc: Wide selection of pc (mostly windows) software of all sorts, and different versions. Can personally vouch for the site, I’ve gotten Photoshop, Maya, and Sony Vegas from here over the years.

Other:

the eye: An archive of old roms, OS systems, roms (non nintendo), comics, books, ect, ect. Cons: No search function and slightly hard to navigate.

1337x.to: Torrent site for movies, shows, games, comics, ect.

ThePirateBay: The classic.

the eye has been up since 2017 and in the last four years have accumulated 140TB of data (according to their own reports). Part of their growth is just their own work, part of it is absorbing other archives/open directories that were having issues: I know rpg.rem.uz used to be its own archive - gave way to The Trove, which is having its own issues right now unfortunately… - but now most-all of their content can also just be found on the eye. Same with a few dozen other archives.

And they have ‘old roms, OS systems, roms (non nintendo), comics, books, ect, ect’, but massively more than you might think just based off how this sounds. Like…

They have it all.

If you want to try and homebrew alcohol, go check their stuff. If you want to try and read books that are out of print or otherwise in public domain (and some that aren’t yet in public domain), go check their stuff. If you want to run a campaign and can’t pay for expensive print tabletop books, go check their stuff. If you want to fuck off into the woods to live off the land (or research how that would work for a writing project), go check their stuff. If you’re trying to learn shit about drugs - any drugs, almost - go check their stuff.

Hell, if you want to go read what looks like literally every research paper on coronaviruses from 1968 up to Feb 2020, you can do that too!

As chickenmcnuggies said its a mess and a half to navigate through their collections, partially with how large it is and the fact quite a few folders were once whole other archives since absorbed by the eye…

Since this is gaining traction again, here are the final ones. These had been on separate posts but I suppose they'll be more likely to be noticed here.

For @pedeka who always needs jewels..

I streaked my hand across the steam that fogged the mirror, looking at myself, honestly. Gods, I am; I am alive, bring my hand to my throat, my heartbeat was strong; alive, god yes, I am alive, for now.

Soul searching time, why am I being so very panicky? I am alive, heart beating proud. So, then what is the problem? Why can’t I just enjoy the moment; be alive? Why the cold sweats? He now knows I am dying, he knows that I am temperary at best. I never did want to be that Camus lover, dead in the salad days; haunting the other for eternity, but that shouldn’t preclude me from the better aspects of life. Hope began taunting; you don’t actually think someone like him, that beautiful god king, would lament losing someone like you for even a moment? I shot myself a dirty look in the mirror, shut up.

I have been very clear with my expectations, I have been honest and still this lilylivered reaction. What kind of major malfunction is this?

Why do I never get an answer, when I’m knocking at the door?

Maybe it is because the truth is too hard to swallow.

No I will the answer to never come?

Is this, in fact, what the war for love is for?

Jesus, is this a test?

No just another chance to fail.

Who really is counting? Who really cares?

Honey, as I said… this just is.

Yes, but is this romance? Is it love?

Jesus, why am I asking such stupid questions? Just stop it stupid, stop thinking, stop being rabbity; rhetoric is the downfall of the foolish; stop, just let it flow, let what will happen, happen; don’t be a chicken-shit, stop running, let this experience live. Seriously, this couldnt have been laid out more perfect, remember what you wrote once upon a time; he is the walking talking archetype of what was written.

The man knows Oscar, he quotes things from the Wilde, and Oscar did say the very essence of romance is uncertainty.

The gods know that if this was anything, this is was vague, unfamiliar, and damn uncertain.

Yes, this is risky, but all the best things are.

I know the uncertainty in this case is not the usual who or how or how long; it is the simple question is just how much it will hurt… and if anything was certain, that answer is easy: A LOT!  

But it has, it already did, as he walked away, lord just being this far from him, does… it does.

Really, dummy, you know that the never tried, the what if’s, the unresolved coulda’s, the shoulda’s, the undone regrets they always hurt the very worst, those ambiguous ifs.

So what?

So, shut up, stop whining and let it flow, don’t direct, don’t chicken out, just let it flow. Be like water.

I ruffed my hair drying it, well a little bit; I examined my face in the mirror, not horrible, the dark body bags under my eyes from crying couldn’t be helped, using my fingers to ‘style’ my hair, pinching health into my cheeks. I ran two fingers along my lightly kiss swollen lips, I giggled; boy, that was fun, confirming that yes, I loved kissing and damn he was good at it; so much better than even memory.

I had to admit I didn’t look bad; now the time to hesitate is through, for the first time in my life I resolve to be Wilde, to be Wildely feminine; I tied the sash of the robe, flipped my hair and walked out.

There he was lounging in a matching robe, diagnally across the large bed; lush bare legs stretched out in front of him, the heavenly puff of the duvet made him look like an overgrown cherub on a fluffy cumulus cloud, still… reading my journal, caressing the pages.

“Oh me, oh my, but you strike a pretty picture, not my usual fare coming out of the shower, I’ll take it; so, you’re still not bored of reading my whimsy’s?”

He laughed rolling to a sitting position, “Honey, to be grotesquely honest, I doubt that I could ever; I am in a way, addicted to your mind, how you think; it’s alluring to me, like a sirens song.” He chuckled, “now, I need to know, are you okay?” His earnest face so endearing.

I shrugged, trying to look uneffected, browsing the milquetoast art on the walls, horrid pottery barn fare, “yeah, fine,” keeping my voice light, looking anywhere, but his face.

He sighed, “what a load of crap,"I heard him moving, I refused to look. "Come on,” I jumped startled, his voice just behind my ear, “you can’t give me that, honey, look at me,” I complied with a roll of my eyes, “are you okay?” I nodded, “Honesty.” I shrugged, so he doubled down, “I know you were crying, I heard your sighing sniffles, so, I ask, are you okay?”

I turned to stand in front of him, shoulders straight, arms crossed, plastic smile in place, “I am fine.” He gave me that demanding galled look that screamed liar, “yes, okay, I cried, that’s done, I am good now.”

He slowly stood, pulling my hands into his, I hadn’t realized before that he was so deliciously much taller than me. “I didn’t mean to upset you, I did not lie, you were so delicious, and so alive.” He put his arms around me in a loose hug. “kissing you, it had been so tempting for so long, you tantalize just by breathing, so after it felt so perfect, natural…” his hug tightened, “I need to ask, I have to know, why were you crying? Please trust me enough to tell me.”

I sucked a breath in through my nose, slowly letting it out, burying my face in the pile of robe covering his chest. “Honestly, for very stupid reasons, mostly self doubt;” stupid don’t chicken out now… just let it flow, “even as a kid, I had never really cared about impressing others, suddenly with you… I assessed myself as not good enough,” I sucked in a quick breath, “if you spend long enough dying, enough people step away because it is too painful for them to watch, enough people caring at a distance, shaking hands with you using salad tongs,” he laughed, that rumble against my cheek heavenly, “you begin believing that, they are right, that you are this depressing weight, that it is all you deserve.” I held him tighter, hiding my face as he was trying to pull back and look at me. “Your kiss caused my heart to beat, your kind words, caused me to feel, and then I felt unworthy, I have been dying almost as long as I have been alive, it is hard for me to believe your sincerity.” I tripped over myself to reassure him, “I believe, or at the very least I want to believe, with all that is holy, that you are.” I gave a nervous titter.

He pulled away, not letting me hide away any longer, he looked so earnest. He pulled me to sit near him on the bed. He ran his hands through my lightly damp hair, pushing it away to reveal my face. He kissed my forehead, thrilling me to my core. “I am sincere, I had wanted that kiss since I sauntered up to you as you were settling in. I really want to do it again. Talking with you, laughing, I was not even exaggerating when I told Opie that it was magic.”

I shivered, “There are no certainty in this world, no assurances, but to be horribly honest, I wanted your kiss, to be crass and open,” I blushed, looking shy away, “I want more, I want you, and whatever this may be,” I waved my hands between us, “I long for it to linger for days on end, like the ghost of the feel of your caress on my skin, right now. I am greedy for your attention. As I said before, there is no forever, no permanent, but I want, this… here… now, for as long as it is mine to have.”

He breathed in slow, “oh, that beautiful honesty.” He pulled up my hand kissing it, lingering, looking up with just his eyes, “To be honest in return… god, I want that too. Although, I have more faith in the possible. In the fact it may linger.” He hesitsted.

The trail off hit me like Mohammed Ali taking that last swing at Sonny Listin, fear clenched my stomach, that horrible hesitation, but I stared it down, “but what?” He didn’t rush to answer, “but what?” I said it louder, more stern.

His laugh was slow, “shhh, don’t worry, it’s just this game, the no names, I am feeling like that is being dishonest with you.”

It was my turn to laugh, “Dishonest? how? why? Have you lied in any of your answers?” He shook his head, “have you been as honest as possible at all times?” He nodded, “Do you think I have been, even the tiniest bit dishonest with you?” He shook his head emphatically, “Have you been dishonest with all of these touches, kisses?” He shook his head harder, “Good answers, I know by the way you keep eye contact, the way you lean in, the way you touch while you talk that you are used to having most of the control, your charm says that you are used to being boss; then you seem to think name, job or whatever else you think would make me think of you differently. A rose by any other name would smell just as sweet.”

His face was beautifully placid as I talked, as if he were only half convinced, I turned up the heat. “If you need to call me a name, give me one, if you think I need yours tell me what to call you, but I am being the most honest with you now than I have ever been in my life, with anyone. Right now, we are free of expectations; I am so much more free to touch, to kiss, to tell you even the darkest secrets in my soul; magically without entailments; this is that once in a lifetime moment of freedom; this is a slice of heaven. I keep thinking perhaps I had died and this is the after life. I have been horribly honest laying the truth of my life at your feet, my dreams, my ideas, what I haven’t actually spoke, you have read.” I slowed finally, making my point. “I believe you are being just as painfully honest with me as I you, names be damned.” I sighed, “You must understand the feeling of freedom from all that baggage I drag around, the demons usually nipping at my heels, suddenly, quiet.” I cuddle into his chest closely, “as this rapture speaks of you, it says only this to my demons, 'Sleep now. Your day is done.’ And for now they cannot find me. If I were the other me, that one with a name, I would like to talk to you, but feel myself shut closed down, quiet and I can’t become shut just now.”

Using two gentle fingers tucked under my chin, he pulled my face up to look at him; he looked into my eyes, I saw understanding; he nodded, then he rushed in like a wave, his lips were soft, his kiss, honestly pleading; I opened my self to his possibility, surrendering, accepting, wanting; kissing him back. Suckling his tongue, nibbling his lips, deepening the kiss, tasting his soul.

Pulling back holding my will in check, “Hang a name on me, call me Sue if you have to, but what is a name? Just a word to attribute, as if it could make sense of the madness in this, but we are not mad; we are human, all searching for that one thing we want… love, even for a moment, when we find that someone we must forgive for the paths we take towards that love; the paths are many, so many with wide dark places,” I kissed him, roughly pushing his robe open, pawing his chest.

“Honey, I get it; I understand, I finally understand the why; no regrets.”

Breathing slowly rolling my eyes open, “Close, here this might explain it more clarity, the scientific definition of insanity is to recreate past mistakes over and over; stuck for eternity in a temporal causality that relationship between cause and effect caught in a loop, the affected of the effect expecting different outcomes, is insanity and possibly unsanitary. It took long moments, maybe even years rattling around in my brain, but why now does that suddenly make sense to me?” I kissed along his collar bone, “I am not insane, so today, instead of zig this time I zagged,” dipping my tongue into that delicious suprasternal notch “and look where it got me. Instead of a S.R.O. like the shitty motel I was stuck in last night, the neighbors trying their best at making more cracks in the wall with their animalistic sex habits, talk about unsanitary, but today on the zag, I have this,” I kissed him hard and deep, “Will the mornings come too soon, do they? Personally, they usually, no they always do; is this night, this storm just long enough, to tide us over? I don’t know, but suddenly I am making a different choice, breaking that insanity; even if, it is for but a short while.”

That beautiful golden voice entered into my ears.  “Forget about what came before; don’t fear what is going to come later.”  I felt the warmth of his hands, cradle my face, the low light eclipse from my face, as he rolled us side by side, I felt that possibility, his presence washing over me. My eyes fluttered open, I look into his smiling face, “Most people spend too much time staring into screens, trying to make sense of life, thinking hard work and sacrifice are the meaning of life, I watched you check one single text message; you are not exactly that kind, but I still know, that even so, you don’t spend enough time laughing or drinking wine, kissing deeply or dancing in the moonlight.” He eased me gently to my back, looking down into my eyes; my arms reflexively looping around the back of his neck.

Navigating expectations, exhaustion, and guilt when chronic illness doesn’t take a holiday

The holiday season is overwhelming for the average, able-bodied person. For those of us living with chronic illness, it can feel downright unbearable.

We’re already running on limited energy, yet we’re expected to attend parties, gatherings, potlucks, and family events. We’re already stretched financially from medical bills, prescriptions, and appointments, yet we’re expected to buy gifts, travel, and show up like nothing else exists. 

And don’t get me wrong — we want to participate. We want to see our people, laugh with them, and feel like we still belong.

But more often than not, the physical, emotional, and financial burnout we carry makes this time of year one of the hardest.

If the holidays feel heavy, you’re not failing — you’re responding normally to an already impossible load. Here are a few ways to make the season a little lighter:

Set boundaries (not just for yourself, but for others)

Boundaries aren’t selfish — they’re survival tools.

Decide in advance how many events you can realistically attend, then stop there.

Give yourself permission to leave early or cancel last-minute if your body says no.

Remember: a boundary doesn’t need justification. “I’m not able to do that” is enough.

Have the difficult conversations

Avoiding hard conversations often costs more energy in the long run.

Be honest with trusted people about your limits before plans are made.

Let loved ones know what support actually looks like for you — whether that’s shorter visits, quiet time, or no expectations at all.

It’s okay if people don’t fully understand; understanding is not a prerequisite for respecting your needs.

Pick and choose what matters most

You do not have to do everything to make the season meaningful.

Ask yourself: What would I regret missing most? Prioritize that.

Skip traditions that no longer serve you or cost too much physically or emotionally.

Give yourself permission to redefine what “the holidays” look like this year.

Set a budget (and stick to it without guilt)

Your worth is not measured by how much you spend.

Set a realistic spending cap before shopping begins.

Consider alternatives: handwritten notes, homemade gifts, shared time, or simply showing up when you can.

Remember that medical expenses are real expenses — you are not “behind,” you are surviving.

Plan ahead — but leave room for flexibility

Preparation can reduce stress, but rigidity can backfire.

Space out commitments so you’re not stacking high-energy days back-to-back.

Schedule rest days just like you’d schedule events.

Always leave yourself an “out.” Plans can change—and that’s okay.

This time of year is difficult for anyone—but especially for those of us navigating chronic health issues. And yet, here you are. You made it. You survived another year.

That matters.

Even if you spent most of the year on your couch. Even if productivity looked nothing like what you imagined. Even if simply getting out of bed was the biggest accomplishment some days — you still showed up. You are still here.

The world is better with you in it. Whether or not you believe that right now, someone else does. Someone needs you here. We need you here.

So please remind yourself this season: the holidays are harder for us — and you are doing the best you can. And that is more than enough.