i must lock in (but also retain my whimsy)

I am going to use this blog to keep myself accountable with revision, reading, researching, writing and being whimsical (and maybe some kind of sport if I can get over that fear).

I am anti-capitalist asf, so I am actually against the idea of pushing limits to work hard in school; we should be learning for the love of the game! But, unfortunately, I crave academic validation & like knowing I'm smart. (The capitalistic ideals of society rubbed off on me I fear) Plus, I want to revise as a favour to future me, who will be stressed if I don't put in the effort now. Either way, the best way to love myself at the moment is to study.

So I must lock in.

i thought about The Character on my commute today and

i looked in the mirror and wasn't all that surprised (no thought of 'that's not me') and

i wrote that essay without feeling utterly helpless and

i have thoughts, again, that feel like mine and

i haven't posted anything the last couple of days because i was spiraling so dreadfully on one of the days that i ended up watching videos of pop culture moments (and found it entertaining- i know), and the other day i figured out my entire life (decided i'd be a chemist and be straight when i grow up, today i started looking at apprenticeships in fine dining and spent over 30 minutes watching my tiktok collection called 'pretty girls')

so basically. i've decided to be infinite. Also decided i am going to be incredible at skateboarding by the end of the month and learn how to play guitar.

would i prefer to be potentially brilliant at so much or actually good at one or two things? Today the answer is the former.

Also i've been listening to Waking Up In Vegas, Break Stuff, Touch Tank, Thinking Of You and I Fucked Yr Mom. that pretty much sums up my mental state JAJAJ

(it's not funny)

i have got maybe one of the top 10 most important exams of my education tomorrow, and i revised for JUST TWO HOURS!!!!! (i'm insanely scared and also i find it weird that for some reason fear does not motivate me and instead paralyses me, i should think about that for hours someday)

but, today i did re-find my love for memes (i watched over three hours of just clips of internet moments), spend more time on tiktok than i have over the entire rest of the week combined (i must have learnt so much!) and eat constant snacks with no real meals involved (i had a banana somewhere inbetween all the chocolate chips)

You'd think on the first day of having this blog i'd be up and rearing to go. Unfortunately, that has not been the case.

But, whatever, i did do some work. I did...