Can someone please answer my question?
Lately I've been thinking about compassion and how much of a handicap that is. It makes it hard for me to relate to others unless I pretend to. I can understand logically why people feel certain ways.. But to actually feel other's is a trait I don't seem to possess. This girl I've been seeing recently was talking about how listening to her clients (she's a counsellor) actually affects her mental health as she feels deeply saddened by their suffering. By hearing that, it saddens me that she and I may never be on the same page. And I start questioning our future together; whether if it's possible for her to ever really love me the way I am.
Not to mention I have a bad habit of being intimidated by romantic relationships. And I've been also asking myself whether I am even worth to be in her life. She seems to need someone who can stay on the top of being there since part of the uneasiness she feels is the lack of deep connections she has with people around her due to her constant moving around. I really don't know if I can provide that, even though I really like her, but the way I act around her is so reserved and so unlike myself because I don't want to lose something so good.
Another part of me tells me that if someone is to love and understand me it's her. If I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life, living but lacking life, is to really put in the work and essentially fake it till I make it. But it's so exhausting to do so proven by my experience. But I'm so so so afraid that I'll lose her if she meets the real me. Given if that's the case, we're never meant to work out. It's just so hard to feel this way for me, as if there's actually a glimmer of hope that I will once again actually fall in love and find the happiness I so crave for. But so far, it's only a facade orchestrated by my insecurities and I'm pathetically running away from the endless possibilities.
She has also mentioned that I seem to grow cold towards her here and there which makes her question herself if she's done something wrong and I always struggle to explain that it's just the way I am, and I do try not to but I can't always catch myself. Which all seems really bullshit if you receive that kind of answer if I really think about it. I have told her briefly about my past but I don't think it really really painted a clear picture in her mind how broken I am. I am not really ready for her to see the full extend nor do I want her to know exactly what I am. And because i lack that empathy, I'm just doing this thing where I keep her at an arm's length and drag her through mud simply because she makes me feel better about myself.
And I seemed to have been doing the same to my fwb in the past because with them, I also feel wanted and cherished.
Is it wrong to do so? Or this is just a selfishness that cannot be justified in any way?
I think the theory of The Happiness Ladder that I came up with is really just a glorified excuse for me to do the things I do in order to feel remotely closer to happiness without fully feel the guilt of that selfishness I put other's through because in that belief, everyone is selfish and wants happiness and will not stop at anything to climb that ladder, to obtain that sweet ending.
In conclusion, would a normal person do what I am doing? Or have I condemned myself to the hell I've created?
