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@imfineipromiseitstrue
Tim: You want to know a secret?
Jason, still texting: not really.
Tim: I don't really have a coffee addiction.
Jason: What? Tim: I just pretend to drink a lot of coffee, so when Bruce says "no more coffee," I don't have to stop drinking energy drinks Jason: You're lying. I see you with one of those stupid Batburger coffee cups like every day. Tim: There's no coffee in that. Tim: It's just red bull man. Jason: Why would you tell me this? Tim: Because no one will believe you.
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To anyone who thinks Bruce has a clear and consistent favourite child I raise you this: it is infinitely funnier for Bruce to have a complicated and elaborate “ranking” system of his kids that only he’s privy to.
Picture this: Batman, dosed with truth serum, gets asked as a gag from one of the goons holding him captive who his favourite bat-vigilante is and instead of giving a straight answer, he launches into this whole explanation about the ranking system and who’s in the current lead, who’s hanging behind, etc. At some point (this is a mystery to everyone involved) a whiteboard appears and he starts explaining his system like he’s a football coach before an important match. Out of nowhere he starts pulling out little cardboard cutouts of his kids and pins them to the board. At some point the red string comes out.
Jason hasn’t killed someone in a week? Automatically promoted to favourite. Tim hasn’t caused an international incident in the past month? Puts him a few points ahead that keep decreasing the longer he refuses real sleep (20 minute power naps don’t count Tim! Says powernap inventor Bruce Wayne). Cass gave him a hug this morning and wished him a good day? Favourite until he gets a call from dick telling him (without shouting!!!!) that he’ll be there for this week’s Sunday dinner. Duke accidentally scratches the Batmobile? Demoted to the “in trouble” zone (which, honestly, that’s where his kids spend most of the time in😭). Damian did not attempt to free all the animals in the zoo they visited? Favourite. Until Bruce found out he was just trying to conceal the cat hidden in his room that Bruce explicitly forbade him from keeping.
Dick arrives at the family dinner with a busted shoulder and a bruise the size of Texas on his face? Gets demoted so far down that even azraeil scores higher than him. He’s in the “in trouble” zone for a constant month after that. Oh one of them survived an almost death? Favourite for at least the next week. At least. Multiple people survive an almost death? EVERYONES the favourite. The least favourite is the growing grey hairs on his head.
The end of day results are decided by who bothers to wish him goodnight and if all of them have fucked up in some way the past week then Jon (Kent) becomes the automatic favourite until someone cracks a joke that Bruce actually finds funny.
The favourite child changes daily, hourly even, and his kids are aware this system exists and keep trying to crack the code but he always Knows and just smirks smugly.
I have decided that my optimal Tim & Damian relationship is "fake enemies".
They act like they hate one another whenever someone is around, but are the gentlest (or as gentle as they can be) siblings when they are alone.
Don't get me wrong, Damian really did try to murder Tim in the beginning, but after he brought back their dad, he earned his respect.
The whole thing was Tims idea in the first place, because he was annoyed at Dick.
It's fun for them to see their family members struggle with picking a side/gez stressed out by their antics.
It also has the tactical advantage that none of their enemies (or their dad) is aware of the close allyship they have.
I also like to imagine a scenario where Tim is overworked, hasn't slept in days and just picks up Damian by his armpits to go to sleep, leaving behind a flabbergasted Dick.
(Uh... as explanation: i headcanon that tim cant fall asleep when he is alone. He needs the warmth and the heartbeat of another person to feel safe/protected enough to sleep. Only a few people have the honor. This being Bernhard, the core YJ members, Cassandra, Stephanie, Duke, and Damian.)
Bruce unintentionally dissing the league while praising his kids is so funny to me
Bruce: we need an expert marksman for this job
Oliver: *getting ready to stand up to fully accept Bruce’s praise*
Bruce: Redhood will be here shortly. We also need someone quick on their feet. Luckily Cass is working on a case nearby so we can ask her
Dick : Jasons been more, relaxed lately. It's unsettling.
Tim : Yeah, I've started spiking his water with mood stabilizers.
Dick : What
Tim : I've been thinking of doing it to the wider gotham water supply. Think about the crime rates.
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Dick: LOOK! ITS MY ITSY BITSY BABY BROTHER!
Jason: are you talking about tim or damian?
Dick: Tim is itsy bitsy, Damian is eensy weensy.
Jason: well “eensy weensy” looks about ready to kill you and “itsy bitsy” looks like he’ll help.
Dick: aww! they’re bonding!
I like to think that dick taught tim to drive, how do you think that would go?
Dick: Easy now. Slowly does it.
*car inches forward*
Tim: Huh, that wasn't so bad.
Everyone behind him on the highway: *honking*
Does the Batmobile ever get ticketed or does the GCPD just ignore it
Bruce: *puts a box on the table*
Bruce: Gather around, everyone. It's time for our monthly ticket review.
Bruce: First up, Steph. Can you explain what happened last Friday?
[earlier]
Steph: *looking for parking in a full lot*
Steph: Screw it, I'm going around back.
Steph: *parks in front of a fire exit*
[present]
Steph: I just needed to use the bathroom.
Bruce: And in those three minutes, the Joker released a giant water balloon forcing everyone to evacuate through one less exit.
Steph: It said "fire exit." That technically wasn't a fire.
Bruce: Well, the penalty is $100 plus the towing cost. I can pay it off but you have to help Alfred in the kitchen for a month.
Steph: Yeah, that's fair.
Bruce: Next up... Cass and Barbara? Color me surprised.
Barbara: Oh yeah, I had to remotely pilot the Batmobile the other day because Cass needed a getaway.
Bruce: Then why am I being charged $250?
[earlier]
Cass: *fighting a gang*
Barbara: Orphan, ETA thirty seconds. Prepare for extraction.
Cass: *knocks out the last henchman and runs to the car*
Comm. Gordon: *writing a ticket*
Cass: ?
Comm. Gordon: You're in a disabled parking spot without a permit.
[present]
Barbara: Well I am disabled.
Bruce: Understandable. I'll let it slide since it's the first time. Just file the paperwork for a permit.
Bruce: Dick, you went thirty-five over the speed limit when you weren't pursuing a suspect. Explain.
[earlier]
Wally: Race you to Keystone?
Dick: *revs the engine*
[present]
Bruce: You're better than this. I'm disappointed. Next up: Tim. Driving without a license plate. What happened there?
[earlier]
Tim: I wasn't supposed to take the Batmobile since Bruce benched me for my wrist, but my other ride is in the shop.
Kon: What about cameras? Can't your dad tap into the city's surveillance system?
Bart: Traffic cameras read license plates, so if we take them off, no one will recognize us.
Kon: Now that's an idea.
[present]
Tim: That's on me. I shouldn't have listened to them.
Bruce: Put them back on, plus you're benched for another week. Damian, on to you.
Damian: What on Earth could I have done? I followed the speed limit, parked in the correct spots, and never so much as changed lanes on an empty road without signalling.
[earlier]
Damian, a middle schooler: *driving*
[present]
Damian: Tt.
Bruce: Don't do it again. Duke...
Duke: *cringes and remembers what he did*
[earlier]
Duke: *hooks the Batmobile to freezer trailer*
Duke: *starts driving around with a megaphone*
Duke: Ice cream! Get your ice cream!
[present]
Bruce: Fantastic job. No complaints.
Jason, muttering: Teacher's pet.
Bruce: And finally, Jason.
Bruce: *empties the rest of the box*
Headcanon that Jason knows that Tim has killed people before (and will kill again) and that he's a crazy motherfucker but Jason is considered the certified crazy one in the family and Tim is the sweet, caffinated angel that could never be this lunatic that Jason is describing him as because he is way too good at covering his tracks and it's driving Jason absolutely crazy that no one believes him.
Plus, whenever he tries (and fails) to convince someone that Tim is the crazy one in the family, Tim always finds out, and whenever no one is looking, he just gives him the smuggest smile or his 'eat shit' face.
At this point, Tim just finds it entertaining, and he origionally found it concerning that Jason knew this stuff but now he goes out of his way to do crazy shit infront of Jason just to piss him off.
Dick is also aware but since Tim knows all the shit Dick has done he is keeping his mouth shut and eyes closed.
Jason keeps begging Dick to see it even bringing evidence but again mutually assured destruction so.
Jason: Dick look he killed at least 800 people it's all in here.
Dick: is this the only copy?
Jason: yah why?
Dick holding a lit match: no reason
conceptualising brucie wayne as like…. an ominous boomer texter. he uses a lot of ellipses. never elaborates on anything. describes events in the worst ways imaginable. he texts dick ‘the plane went down. we lost tim’ (bruce forgot to pick tim up from school after lacrosse practice) and dick tries to call and ask if bruce just told him his brother?? is dead?? and bruce just keeps replying with thumbs up emojis with no context and ‘tim passed’ (his final exams)
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Because no member of the Batfam can be relied upon to watch their health, Alfred develops a covert buddy system where the kids keep an eye on how long since their "assigned" sibling slept, dealt with an injury, or ate something that didn't come out of a blender or wrapper. It's pretty successful, and due to the methods the kids use to knock out or provoke each other nobody has caught onto it yet.
The shit Bruce has to do to maintain Brucie Wayne literally keeps me up at night. I think about the comic panel where the security guy was like, “check the bathroom, he accidentally locks himself in there sometimes” at least 3 times a day
And on my Bruce Wayne isn’t Batman post I was like, yea he definitely does that shit. Like does he just go about his day, looks at something and goes, “yea, it’s time to be stupid”
Bruce wakes up with a grin on his face. Alfred asks why he’s in such a good mood.
“Well, Alfred,” he says, “it’s been awhile since I’ve done anything entertainingly ditzy.” He closes his eyes, breathes deeply through his nose, and exhales, looking like some parody of a coffee commercial.
“It’s a himbo day.”
@theoneswhotry bruh I started coughing from laughter
@magical-awesome-kid yes
Batman loses Robin at a Robin cosplay competition that's being used as a money laundering operation.
"Robin--" Bruce took in the many, many Robins around him. He can barely hear anything over the comms because of the noise.
Intercom moments later: "Richard, uh, who is also successfully cosplaying as Robin, your dad would like you to meet him by the water fountain in the east corner thanks."
How dare you leave this in the tags, @porcelana-r0ta ?!?!
More necessary additions being left in the tags
Alright but can I add Jason Pre-Bruce, who was entering for the potential prize money, came second above Dick and below Tim, and didn't realize that was them until years later during that argument.
When Dick first became Robin, he was still losing his baby teeth. He obviously used that to mess with villains.
Dick, held by a rogue: “You’ll never get any information out of me! I won’t break!” *spits out tooth*
Rogue: “I didn’t even hit you yet what—“
I like the idea of the Riddler seeing puzzles and secret codes in places there aren’t. He’s so into the stuff he’s gotta be the ultimate case study on 1. humans recognizing patterns constantly even when none exist and 2. when you play a game so long you start kinda seeing it behind your eyes throughout the day.
I want some Arkham guard or someone to mockingly give him a book of mazes to do in crayon and for him to start seeing the Gotham sewer system in it and slowly reconstruct a pattern of corresponding places until he’s built a map and a secret message in his head. I want this guy to theorize with no facts. Tunnel his way into the dentist’s office he believes the special maze pieces are pointing him to and wait for the next clue which will never come.
@duckmumbo You’re so right. I was wrong to think he wouldn’t be proactive about it and keep making his own puzzles. And you know what? Five to ten locations later, Batman is going to fall into this folie à deux from tracking the Riddler’s progress, trying to figure out what on Earth he’s doing, and finding patterns that aren’t there in Eddie’s actions. By the fifteenth location, they’ve stumbled onto an actual Gotham human trafficking conspiracy, and neither of them know this was purely accidental. Riddler looks at the children assembled and thinks, “And that’s why it started with a children’s maze book and a pediatrician’s office. I knew that was an ongoing theme.”
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Gothamites are simultaneously the calmest and best employees during an emergency but also the ones least likely to have read the manual for what to do in case of emergency.
These tags from @arkhamknightapologist are the greatest thing ever and I need everyone to see them.
Get to know me tag game
I was tagged again by @persimminwrites and @soularsss!!
rules: answer + tag 9 people you want to get to know better and/or catch up with
Fav colour?
Still 212 orange :)
Last song
Pippin's song from ROTK (Billy Boyd)
Currently reading
I'm caught up, but I have still been reading Dominoes by meridianpony on ao3
Currently watching
Horizon part 1 (3 hour long movie)
Currently craving
Gai Pad King
Coffee or tea:
Caf. I drink tea, but addicted to caf.
Any hobby you'd like to try?:
I've half given up on crochet at this point.
Any discipline you'll follow during the olympics?:
Probably not
Any AU/Alternative Universe you're plotting for?:
Still working on Write in Stone
npts: @saggitary @ankossss @ofteasandherbs @fouramradi0 @mire-draws-things
and some new members of the clone artists community @omaano @zealfruity @rochenn @antifoxyplier
Fav colour?
Last song
Currently reading
Currently watching
Currently craving
Coffee or tea:
Any hobby you'd like to try?:
Any discipline you'll follow during the olympics?:
Any AU/Alternative Universe you're plotting for?:
Quick Copy and paste above :). Okay! Time to answer!! Thank you for the tag Coffee!
Fav colour?
Green!
Last song
Regret by Everything Everything
Currently reading
Published books? Star Trek: Rise of the Federation
Online books? It was only a matter of time by Anon on Ao3
Currently watching
Lego Monkie Kid, I'm starting season 5 soon
Currently craving
Five Guys burger... urg
Coffee or tea:
Tea is my favorite. Sure it might be bitter but that's what makes it good
Any hobby you'd like to try?:
Does animation count? I've tried before but... it's cool!
Any discipline you'll follow during the olympics?:
Ice skating or bobsledding
Any AU/Alternative Universe you're plotting for?:
I won't talk about them all but here's one. Time travel/found family/adoption/crack fic where Fox meets bloody and bruised Galen Marek (after Vader sent him into space) and the Corrie guard adopts him.
Okie tag time. No pressure, of course! I know I don't always participate in these... lol
@prisencolinensinainciusol09 @phoneycam @imfineipromiseitstrue @maxx-wooh @ludionex @tinyduckies @sunnimonbun @ashii-fb @fl4reee
Fav colour?
Blue or purple depending on the day!
Last song
Lemons- Brye
Currently reading
Online- Ports Bakery by RedStarfish & Rewind by AJElementus
Published- Lock & Key by Traci Hunter Abramson and Kit McBride gets a wife by Amy barry
(honestly I’d usually be in the middle of more but I’m getting ready to move so it’s unfortunately low)
Currently watching
Psych (best tv show of all time that I’m rewatching for the 3rd time)
Currently craving
Milkshake probably Oreo or cookie dough… just something cold and creamy
Coffee or tea:
Hot chocolate :)
Any hobby you'd like to try?:
I want to learn how to crochet! I know how to knit but crocheting seems really cool!
Any discipline you'll follow during the olympics?:
I usually enjoy winter more but I like watching women’s gymnastics and canoeing in the summer
Any AU/Alternative Universe you're plotting for?:
A very long way off if I write it but basically Tim having an adopting problem and all his siblings end up with him instead of Bruce that or a reverse robins but I seriously have to plan that one out and become more familiar with some comics
alright as for tags its no pressure but @violent138 @minifoxcog @whisperface @thisiswhereikeepdcthings @yjcorefourenjoyer @arrowheadedbitch @tiarea @phantom-dc @solaris-mars
