A lot has happened since the last time I’ve logged onto Tumblr, which was back in 2020!!! BACK WHEN COVID STARTED💀😱
It seems like I’m drawn back to this space in times where I just want to vent and freely say what’s on my mind without the fear of someone I know, IRL, read this blog. This is my space where I can say raw thoughts besides my journal. But sometimes I get tired writing or I can’t write as fast as I think so I need to type it out lol
So get ready, this is gonna be a doozy.
Let’s address the elephant in the room: I am now a mother!!! 👩👧 and married 👩🏻❤️👨🏻💍 This past January, I gave birth to the cutest baby girl 🥰 I have been navigating this new world of motherhood and it has been a rollercoaster. Exhausting yet so rewarding. I’m learning SO much 🙏🏼
In the Asian culture, mothers who have just given birth must do a confinement period. To summarize, it’s basically staying indoors for at least a month to heal and restore nutrients to the mom. There are a lot of rules to this confinement period, such as:
Use ginger water to bathe (fortunately, my mom was lenient on this rule and allowed me to shower normally after one week of confinement)
Best to stay indoors. But if you have to step outside, you must cover up (i.e., hat, scarf, long sleeve, long pants, mask)
So, for the month of February, I went back home with my family to do confinement. Not gonna lie, that first month was ROUGH. The sleepless nights and unpredictability was stressful. I am breastfeeding and stress really affects my supply. It’s hard not to stress about being stressed 🫠
Honestly, I couldn’t have done it without my mom 💕🙌🏻
After confinement, I went back to NYC with my husband and I was on my own. Don’t get me wrong, now that my baby is 4 months, my endurance is stronger than before and I am better prepared mentally and emotionally.
Well, I am back home again HAHA
My mom says I should stay until baby is 6 months because back in the city, it’s just me. I not only take care of the baby, but I also need to care for our dog, my husband himself and myself. I have been putting myself last. When we’d wake up, I’d feed baby. Then, I’d make breakfast for my husband and dog. And finally, when my husband leaves for work, I make myself breakfast. But at that point, I’m tired because the entire time, or most of it, I’m carrying or wearing my baby.
My baby will tolerate the wrap but if she’s in it for too long, she gets fussy. Especially when I’m in the kitchen cooking, I get hot and radiate heat, so then she gets hot and gets real fussy.
I bounce back and forth carrying her and putting her on the play mat, all while trying to make sure everyone is cared for.
It’s tiring. Mentally. Because I then feel guilty for putting myself first when I really need to put myself first if I want to feed my baby!! I hate feeling this way 😤
When my husband comes home from work, he’s tired and I know he prefers to watch some tv and go into his office. So, I always try to have dinner ready by the time he gets home, I let him eat while I play with baby (because she starts getting fussy when she’s laying by herself for more than 5 minutes) and when he’s done eating, he goes on the couch. I am afraid to ask him to hold the baby or watch the baby because he had a long day at work and plus he starts to get bored or fed up with her when she gets fussy. He’ll try to rock and bounce her but these share the same intense body heat. So he’ll start sweating after holding her for a minute. Although he doesn’t explicitly say, “can you eat faster?” He will joke about my eating slow. So at that point, after eating my dinner for 3 minutes, I’ll get the vibe from him that he want to give the baby to me.
So I, of course, stop eating and soothe her, and he goes into his office.
This is how most evenings go.
My food gets cold and when baby is finally content or I put her down for the night (which is around 11pm), I eat my cold food. I’m too tired and lazy to heat it up because I’d rather be in bed at that point. Sometimes if there’s a lot, my husband would rinse the dishes once and leave it for me to fully clean. But most of the time, after I eat, I wash the dishes and clean up.
Now that I am back home, my mom wants me to stay longer than what my husband wants. I’ve been here a week so far. Originally, my husband, dog, baby and I drove 5 hours ( I drove the whole way because my husband doesn’t have his license), and planned to stay for 6 days and then we’d all drive back together. But my husband had work so he took the AMTRAK back to the city while I stayed. We face timed, he said he was lonely and I asked if I should go back soon. He asked, “...can you?” And I just told him that I’d talk it over with my mom.
Ultimately, he agreed that I should stay longer because he knows that when I come back, my needs won’t be met because he’s in the transition of opening his own business and won’t be of much help at home.
When I came back home this time around and pumped for the first time since confinement, my milk was almost transparent like water. My mom basically said that it means it’s lacking nutrients or substance. I wasn’t eating rich enough foods or enough food in general to make more fatty milk, which gives it the milky, yellow-y color.
She saw how skinny I got since the last time she saw me. Thank God, my baby is healthy and chunky (15 pounder) 🥹 I gave my health to her, my mom said.
I can’t help but to feel guilty for not being there to take care of him.
*Sigh* I need to get better at standing up for myself.