finding my voice.

I’ve been thinking about making something like this. A safe space where I just share what my husband says to me when he’s mad to help me process it. Yes, some will say that I should divorce him and blah blah blah, but this is just a small blip of our marriage. Marriage is hard work. These posts are not the full story of our relationship and how we come back together from difficult conversations. So, keep your divorce/ “ya’ll should do couples therapy” posts to yourselves, I’ve heard it all🙃

A lot has happened since the last time I’ve logged onto Tumblr, which was back in 2020!!! BACK WHEN COVID STARTED💀😱

It seems like I’m drawn back to this space in times where I just want to vent and freely say what’s on my mind without the fear of someone I know, IRL, read this blog. This is my space where I can say raw thoughts besides my journal. But sometimes I get tired writing or I can’t write as fast as I think so I need to type it out lol

So get ready, this is gonna be a doozy.

Let’s address the elephant in the room: I am now a mother!!! 👩‍👧 and married 👩🏻‍❤️‍👨🏻💍 This past January, I gave birth to the cutest baby girl 🥰 I have been navigating this new world of motherhood and it has been a rollercoaster. Exhausting yet so rewarding. I’m learning SO much 🙏🏼

In the Asian culture, mothers who have just given birth must do a confinement period. To summarize, it’s basically staying indoors for at least a month to heal and restore nutrients to the mom. There are a lot of rules to this confinement period, such as:

No cold food or drinks

Use ginger water to bathe (fortunately, my mom was lenient on this rule and allowed me to shower normally after one week of confinement)

Best to stay indoors. But if you have to step outside, you must cover up (i.e., hat, scarf, long sleeve, long pants, mask)

So, for the month of February, I went back home with my family to do confinement. Not gonna lie, that first month was ROUGH. The sleepless nights and unpredictability was stressful. I am breastfeeding and stress really affects my supply. It’s hard not to stress about being stressed 🫠

Honestly, I couldn’t have done it without my mom 💕🙌🏻

After confinement, I went back to NYC with my husband and I was on my own. Don’t get me wrong, now that my baby is 4 months, my endurance is stronger than before and I am better prepared mentally and emotionally.

Well, I am back home again HAHA

My mom says I should stay until baby is 6 months because back in the city, it’s just me. I not only take care of the baby, but I also need to care for our dog, my husband himself and myself. I have been putting myself last. When we’d wake up, I’d feed baby. Then, I’d make breakfast for my husband and dog. And finally, when my husband leaves for work, I make myself breakfast. But at that point, I’m tired because the entire time, or most of it, I’m carrying or wearing my baby.

My baby will tolerate the wrap but if she’s in it for too long, she gets fussy. Especially when I’m in the kitchen cooking, I get hot and radiate heat, so then she gets hot and gets real fussy.

I bounce back and forth carrying her and putting her on the play mat, all while trying to make sure everyone is cared for.

It’s tiring. Mentally. Because I then feel guilty for putting myself first when I really need to put myself first if I want to feed my baby!! I hate feeling this way 😤

When my husband comes home from work, he’s tired and I know he prefers to watch some tv and go into his office. So, I always try to have dinner ready by the time he gets home, I let him eat while I play with baby (because she starts getting fussy when she’s laying by herself for more than 5 minutes) and when he’s done eating, he goes on the couch. I am afraid to ask him to hold the baby or watch the baby because he had a long day at work and plus he starts to get bored or fed up with her when she gets fussy. He’ll try to rock and bounce her but these share the same intense body heat. So he’ll start sweating after holding her for a minute. Although he doesn’t explicitly say, “can you eat faster?” He will joke about my eating slow. So at that point, after eating my dinner for 3 minutes, I’ll get the vibe from him that he want to give the baby to me.

So I, of course, stop eating and soothe her, and he goes into his office.

This is how most evenings go.

My food gets cold and when baby is finally content or I put her down for the night (which is around 11pm), I eat my cold food. I’m too tired and lazy to heat it up because I’d rather be in bed at that point. Sometimes if there’s a lot, my husband would rinse the dishes once and leave it for me to fully clean. But most of the time, after I eat, I wash the dishes and clean up.

Now that I am back home, my mom wants me to stay longer than what my husband wants. I’ve been here a week so far. Originally, my husband, dog, baby and I drove 5 hours ( I drove the whole way because my husband doesn’t have his license), and planned to stay for 6 days and then we’d all drive back together. But my husband had work so he took the AMTRAK back to the city while I stayed. We face timed, he said he was lonely and I asked if I should go back soon. He asked, “...can you?” And I just told him that I’d talk it over with my mom. 

Ultimately, he agreed that I should stay longer because he knows that when I come back, my needs won’t be met because he’s in the transition of opening his own business and won’t be of much help at home. 

When I came back home this time around and pumped for the first time since confinement, my milk was almost transparent like water. My mom basically said that it means it’s lacking nutrients or substance. I wasn’t eating rich enough foods or enough food in general to make more fatty milk, which gives it the milky, yellow-y color.

She saw how skinny I got since the last time she saw me. Thank God, my baby is healthy and chunky (15 pounder) 🥹 I gave my health to her, my mom said.

I can’t help but to feel guilty for not being there to take care of him.

I think my relationship is on the line right now. I don’t know if he feels the same way but I’ve had one too many breaking points.

Dullness and the mundane is a big one for him. 

I’m all about finding joy in the little things in every situation. Before the quarantine, I found joy in having gossiping with my co-workers and having the privilege to commute via subway to work in Manhattan. Now, during quarantine, I find joy in being able to binge-watch Netflix and taking the dog out on a sunny day.

But for him, the little things get too repetitive. Thus, he itches for change and inspiration. He believes that his partner should inspire him and motivate him, and vice versa.

I don’t expect him to understand fully what I’m going through but I do expect, at least, sympathy. Instead, he pushes me, pressures me to find my creative groove, and judges the things I watch on Youtube/ Netflix. He thinks “The Office” is stupid, mundane, and that the characters are one-dimensional. He said he can’t stand watching it. And this is how he pushes and motivates himself. He said it himself that he judges and pushes himself harshly because that’s how he is able to cope with feeling lost or unmotivated.

So he thinks that should work for me.

Since quarantine, I’ve been physically present, you know, cooking, baking, cleaning, and taking the dog out and stuff, but mentally, I’m absent. I’m thinking about what he thinking about me doing this and that, I’m thinking about my family and how they’re doing since I left them, I’m thinking about the well-being of our dog --- I’m daydreaming of others and neglecting myself and my creativity. 

My enneagram type is 9. Some of my flaws as a type 9 include avoiding conflict, indecisiveness to avoid conflict, and neglecting self to please others and avoid conflict.

He says that he should be with someone who motivates and inspire him. He said I was that person in the beginning of our relationship when I was posting more photos and videos.

I asked him, “can you remember a time when you felt lost? Like physically present but mentally absent?”

He answered, “when I was sick, physically I was present because I was uncomfortable the whole time but I wasn’t motivated to draw. I was in a slump.”

...

So, his way of feeling lost is different from me feeling lost. During a time like this (i.e quarantine lifestyle and getting laid off), I want to be more gentle on myself because I know what it’s like to push and push myself until I have creative exhaustion. But he sees that as letting myself go and being lazy. I tell him that I am not being lazy with myself, yet it goes in one ear and out the other, and he still pushes me and gets upset with me that I’m not inspiring anymore.

He says that it’s like talking to a brick (which isn’t the first time he said that). And that frustrates him. He pressures me to say something on the spot when I’m the type of person who not only overthinks but takes time to say something when I’m frazzle and put on the spot like that.

He once told me that I’m boring and that I’m not doing anything. The context to this? This was when I just got the job, we had a routine of waking up, taking our dog out/ feeding her, going to work, coming back home, taking the dog out/ feeding her, and going to bed. Dinner dates, movies, and etc., were sprinkled into the routine. EVEN THEN, he complained that it was TOO routine-like. Like all we did was wake up, go to work, and go to sleep. ROUTINE WAS EVEN TOO MUNDANE FOR HIM. LIKE WHAT DO YOU EXPECT MAN? THIS IS NYC, THIS IS HOW MOST New Yorkers ARE LIVING LIKE TO AFFORD A LIVING AND TO HAVE A LIFE.

So I just started working at this job and my photography in the beginning was sparse because I was caught up with the long hours at work, and one day he told me that all I do is go to work, cook/ clean, and go to sleep. I wasn’t inspiring enough to him at that stage either.

I’ve expressed to him on a couple of occasions that I don't feel like I am enough to him. But he says, “yOu arE eNOugh, yoU do So MucH fOr mE.”

Me:

Just, WTF.

I tell him that this stage isn’t permanent and that I’ll get back into it.

Yet he still says those things and says shit like, “I should be with someone like ---” and “You have to do SOMETHING or else you’ll never get out of the slump.”

I hear him, I get that I have to at least keep journaling, for example, to keep myself stimulated but I can’t get myself to do so because I’m thinking about how to continuously please you by making dinner, washing dishes, cleaning the apartment. Because I fear that if and when I do get my creative groove back, who will clean the apartment? Who will cook dinner? Because he is a germaphobe.

Sometimes I think that he doesn’t deserve me.

I’m heading back upstate for a bit to give us space from each other. We’ve been together 24/7 ever since late-March.

Is it just me or does it bother other people when the music soundtrack of a Youtube video is so loud compared to the volume of the dialogue in the video?? Like c’mon. It doesn’t take too much effort to bring down the music clip in the editor just a little bit so that my eardrums don’t explode when I watch your video. 

OR, sometimes the dialogue is so low that I have to bump up my volume and then, unexpectedly, it cuts to a b-roll with BLARING MUSIC T-T

...that I cut my fingernails 💅🏻

Ever since I could breath in oxygen, my siblings have made fun of the way my fingers and toes looked. I'm whatever with my toes because I rarely wear open-toe shoes but I got REALLY self-conscious with my fingers.

I got the genes from my dad, which I can't blame him for because he didn't have the power to control how the genes split between him and my mom.

They described my fingers and toes as "alien-like" where the tips are bulbous, my knuckles are bony, and the in-between parts are skinny.

I tried growing them out in high school and college but they grew weird. Instead of elongating my bulbous tips, they actually made then more bulbous because of the way my nails naturally grew. I thought that once I grew out my nails, they'd grow into the pretty almond shaped nails that these Instagram chicks have.

I never knew about SHAPING my nails 🤦🏻‍♀️ ...

... Until just recently.

I grew out my nails and shaped them to the way I wanted.

I LOVED the way thet made my fingers looked. The almond shaped balanced out my bulbous tips and elongated my nails naturally.

BUT,

They got in the waaaaaay. I was able to tolerate and finesse my way through every day activities like putting in/ taking out my contact lenses, putting on jewelry (this task is a BITCH with nails because the clasp was difficult to grab), pick up my dog's poop, and scrubbing my scalp.

But bitch, I'm in quarantine. I ain't going no where for anyone to see my well-groomed nails.

So, I cut them. I repeatedly told myself that they'll grow back and did the deed.

"I’m Wolverine!!!”

“I’m Sabertooth!!!!!”

On Friday, I have been laid off. My turn to file for unemployment is April 13th.

My student loans have been put on a pause until September.

The nearest supermarket has closed down temporarily.

I haven’t reached out to any friends because I’ve been feeling numb yet overwhelmed.

I don’t know what I am feeing at this point.

I only like staying in when it’s my choice. Not when it’s mandated by the government.

I am grateful though. My family is fine. I am staying with my boyfriend and my puppy. I have food and water. I have PTO for 2 weeks. And I have entertainment.

So why am I complaining and why do I feel like I’m not even alive right now?

I really want to take this time to re-discover my creativity in photography but I wanted to work with human subjects. Well, I can’t do that with this whole social distancing thing. Plus it has been gray and gloomy these past couple of days.

Honey Bunches of Oat’s to be more exact.

I literally had one for breakfast, lunch and now dinner.

Is my period coming?

Update (aka 30 min later I initially posted this):

I just had a brief conversation with a coworker about skincare and the conversation ended with her saying, "oh well, my stupid skin."

And I was like, "oh noo, it's not stupid!"

Then she proceeded with putting her headphones back in her ears.

What I wanted to say but couldn't voice it was, "no your skin is beautiful and it's just going through a phase. Have you heard of Curology? My sister has been using it for her acne and it's been working well!"

But there's always that pull-back in me where for a moment I say to myself, "she's not gonna care about what I say, it doesn't matter anyways," while at the same time I try to push my self like, "say it, at least you've said it and you don't look like a complete jackass who couldn't carry-on a simple conversation and now you seem disinterested."

What a #mood.

I’ve moved down to NYC with just a backpack and a carry-on with no job, and I have no creative flow anymore.

When I started photography, I had a slow start but when I found a groove, I was thriving.

But then I sold my DSLR camera and switched to film.

I had a tiny groove for a bit but since film takes longer for the film to come back to you, I got lazy with it and frugal with my film.

I gave Youtube a-go but I couldn’t keep paying for Adobe Premiere because I’m in deep student debt and iMovie on my MacBook Air is okay but the storage on this laptop is miniscule. 

And I was coming up with so many video ideas but I overwhelmed myself and talked myself out of not doing any of them because they’ve already been done before.

Should I get back into it? Try it again? Try something new? If so, what?

I do know that I want to keep doing photography.

I am irritated. I am upset. I am beyond annoyed.

I just got home from work (it is 10:50 PM) and I’m in the mood to vent this shit out.

First, I just got hit on on the bus ride home.

Not hit on, more like he was clearly flirting with me and I was not having it. I had my headphones in and an Asian woman was sitting next to me. From my peripherals, I noticed that he was trying to ask for directions from her, like asking her if this bus was going straight down, passing the hospital. Then I saw his head turn to me and, at first, I wanted to ignore him but the people-pleaser in me came through and I took off one headphone to help him out. I told him, “Yeah, I think this bus passes by the hospital. I’m not sure though because I get off before that.”

He responded, “Ok cool, thank you! And by the way, you have a beautiful face.” In the most monotoned way, I said, “Haha, thanks. I get it from the parents.”

Hoping that the conversation would stop there, he kept going, “I’m new to the neighborhood, do you go to any of these supermarkets? Hopefully we meet again on a bus again or something.”

I pushed the “stop” button, said, “Yeah maybe, have a good night,” and got off that bus as fast as I could.

I walked home so angry and irritated because I am beautiful! I am, as my coworker said, a “hot commodity!” Tooting my own horn here for a bit but I am a fucking catch.

This all ties into the source of my irritation:

Finally knowing that I deserve better. I shouldn’t stay with someone who doesn’t TRUST the process that developing yourself takes time and shouldn’t be rushed. In addition, relationships are about communication and learning how to talk to each other in their languages. What I mean by that is if you’re having a bad day, how would you want your partner to verbally comfort you?

With abrasion, being clear and blunt? Gentle and empathetic? A mix of both? 

So I woke up at 7:15am today. I had work at 7am and I was supposed to wake up at 5:15am. I SLEPT THROUGH MY ALARM. THAT NEVER HAPPENS.

Needless to say, I am disappointed with myself. I was just given a verbal warning not to do that again by my manager.

And I got over it. Kinda. Like I had my moment of stressing out that I lost 2 hours of pay, I missed out on the sweet experience of waking up when no one else is, taking a peaceful commute before the sun rises and taking my time opening the cafe by myself.

But it’s over, the day is over, and I calmed down. It’s not the end of the world.

It got me thinking about something else though. The bigger picture.

I want to quit already.

I want to give myself at least a year at this job and as comforting it is to have benefits, I am realizing how shitty this job can be. Those who are assigned late-night shifts are getting paid less when they are the most laborious shifts, those who signed up for a specific role were forced to cross-train and work in every section (aka doing something that’s not in my original job description that I signed up for), and the managers lack thorough communication which makes us employees confused as hell, not knowing what’s right and wrong. 

I don’t want to work at this job forever.

So, here I am. At home and sifting through LinkedIn and Indeed once again. I want to find something that I’m genuinely and remotely passionate about. Something more long-term...

*sigh*