𝐁𝐄𝐋.

Have I known you twenty seconds or twenty years?

“I think Jessica is coming over,” Steve said as he handed you a can of soda, the cold condensation on it making your fingers slip over his. 

You screwed your face up and rolled your eyes behind your sunglasses - Steve’s sunglasses - ‘cause it was a rare Saturday that you’d managed to get off work together, seventeen and desperate for time to do nothing with your best friend. 

It wasn’t meant, but you let the sound of annoyance slip from your lips, stretching yourself out on one of the Harrington’s sunloungers. Steve looked at you from where he’d sat himself down by the pool edge, exasperated and somewhat fond. You picked at the edge of your bikini bottoms, peachy orange and still damp from the water. 

You scrunched your nose, looking over at him from over the top of his old Ray Bans as he took a sip of his cola, eyes on you, waiting for you to talk. He knew you wanted to say something, could tell from your face, the way you twisted your lips and fidgeted with your swimsuit. 

“What’s wrong, sweetheart?” 

If you didn’t know the boy well enough, you’d have thought his tone was condescending, maybe even a little mocking. But when you were both fifteen, he’d stood by your side at the counter of the ice cream parlour, watching your cheeks flush a pretty shade of pink when the older guy behind the freezer had winked at you, handed you your cone and called you ‘sweetheart’.  

Steve had called you the same ever since, never getting tired of the way you lit up at it, all soft and full of affection, lips twisted to hide your smile, nose turning pink. 

“I thought it was just gonna be us hanging out today?” You asked, trying to keep your voice level, casual. 

It was silly the way your chest was hurting, an anxious creep across your bones, making your skin too warm in a way that the sun wasn’t. It wasn’t necessarily because you didn’t like Jessica, you didn’t really know, honestly. 

But you’d been in Steve’s life long enough to know that not many of his girlfriends had liked you. It made hang outs and movie nights awkward, a fresh set of eyes on you, watching the way you and Steve interacted, holding back from the way you’d normally touch him, keeping your head off his shoulder, throwing your legs over the arm of the chair instead of his lap. 

You’d go to the kitchen, the bathroom, bringing back more snacks and a drink only to hear the boy being interrogated about how long had Steve known you, didn’t she have a boyfriend and god, why was she always here?

You’d stand with your back against the hallway wall, a packet of twizzlers crushed to your chest as you listened for Steve’s response. It was always the same, sure and strong and leaving no room for argument. It made you feel warm and a little safer, like you belonged in the Harrington house just as much as him, brought up in the large home with its pool and absent parents together, barbecues in the summer, Christmas in the dining room, mom and dads by your sides. 

“She’s my best friend,” he’d always say, “where she goes, I go.”

Some girls put up with it for longer than others, dirty looks given to you out of the car window when Steve would insist on dropping you home too, a messy press of a kiss pushed to your cheek before he made sure you got in your front door okay. 

There were girls that were done after bumping into you in the school hall, a sweater on your frame, the hem almost covering your shorts and god, they’d think, that looks awfully familiar. They’d sit in whatever class they had next, eyes on the chalkboard but their minds trying to decide if they’d seen that sweater on Steve’s bedroom floor before, thrown lazily over the back of his desk chair. 

You’d find them arguing about it at his car after school, voices clipped and raised, drawing a little too much attention and you’d hear your name said like a curse. Steve would let them walk away, hands rubbing at his eyes and when he’d pull himself onto the trunk, he’d find your gaze across the parking lot and he’d smile, a little soft and a little sad. 

But he’d look at you from the driver seat when he was taking you both home, eyes flickering with something else as they dare to roam across your shoulders, your chest. You’d catch him staring, brows raised and your knowing smile would make him blush but he’d tell you, everytime:

“Looks better on you anyway.”

Steve shrugged, looking a little guilty but swung a leg into the pool, letting the water swish around his shin. 

“I know, but,” another shrug, his gaze on the blue tiles, “she’s my girlfriend.”

You sighed, pushing yourself off of the lounger and walking over to the edge of the pool, chlorine and cedar from the garden filling the warm air. You poked a toe to the boy’s side before sitting down next to him, both feet in the water and the garden slabs sun-warmed against the back of your thighs. 

You nudged a shoulder into Steve’s, fighting a smile when he did it back, shuffling closer so your arms brushed together. 

“We haven’t hung out just the two of us in ages,” you told him, trying to sound annoyed but your words came out a little mournful, huffy even. “It’s been weeks.”

You knew it wasn’t Steve’s fault. Between school and both of you working weekend jobs, it was hard to find time to see each other. And since the startling realisation of finding out there were kids with superpowers out in Hawkins, other worlds that held monsters and magic, you figured trips to the cinema were at the bottom of both of your lists. 

“M’sorry,” Steve said anyway, and you hated the way he sounded, like he really meant it, like it made him sad too. “If the kids didn’t need rides to the arcade all the damn time, maybe we’d-”

You rolled your eyes, fond. “You know it’s not the kids I mind, Harrington.”

And that was true. You and Steve had taken your unofficial babysitter roles pretty seriously, and with six twelve year olds to wrangle together, it would’ve been a hard enough job without the threat of impending doom lurking behind every corner. 

You’d grown up thinking monsters only lived under your bed, hiding behind your closet door, and they could be banished with a flashlight, a kiss from your mother, the promise of chocolate chip pancakes in the morning from your father. 

But you’d grown up too fast, seeing things that weren’t supposed to be real and you hated the way you knew how to butterfly stitch someone's skin back together, how you’d seen too much of your best friend's blood. 

He pressed his nose to your shoulder, warm skin on warm skin and he let his teeth graze you, a playful threat of a bite before he sighed, knowingly, understanding. 

“Jess said she likes you,” Steve offered, hands on the grass as he leaned back, head tilted to the sun. He was watching you from under his lashes, the length of them casting shadows over his cheekbones. “Said you had chem together and you were crazy smart.”

You scoffed, laughed mirthless, because the only reason Jessica Preston knew you had class with her was ‘cause she used you to cheat off of you before you moved seats.  

“I bet she did,” was the only answer you gave, because the garden gate was suddenly squeaking and Steve was standing up, splashing water over your thighs as he greeted the girl in question. 

“Jess, hey!” Steve called out, reaching for her and pressing a kiss to her lips. His came away glossy and a little pink as Jessica reached into her bag, pulling out a tube and quickly reapplying. He gestured to you, smiling, “you two know each other, right?”

You grimaced, holding your hand up in some sort of wave before you pushed Steve’s glasses onto your head. 

“Sure,” you said, not sounding sure at all. You stood up, brushing drops of water and small flecks of gravel from your skin. “Chemistry, Mrs Telford’s class.”

Jessica squinted at you, pretty features twisted in confusion and Steve wanted to jump head first into the pool from the awkward silence that had filled the yard. 

“Right!” The girl finally gasped out, all false smiles and white teeth. “Totally! Of course.”

And then, you were dismissed.  

“Steve, there’s a party tonight,” you heard the girl tell him, stomach twisting as you walked past them, grabbing your shorts from the lounger and dragging them up your legs. “Matt’s parents are gone and,” she tapped a finger on his chest, trailing it down his sternum. “So are mine.”

You wondered if you had too much sun, wondered if the heat was what was making your insides bubble, your chest feeling too tight. You found your way into the kitchen, the open patio door doing nothing to curb the same heat that had leaked in from outside. 

You ran the tap, waiting for it to turn freezing before filling a glass and chugging it, back pressed against the counter so you didn’t have to look out the window. 

You could still hear them though. 

“You can pick me up, right? I’ll be ready at eight and then you can stay over at mine,” Jess was practically purring and it made you slam the now empty glass down into the sink a little harder than you meant to. “We’ll have the place all to ourselves.”

“Uh, actually, we’re having a movie night later,” you froze, turning to look over your shoulder to see Steve gesture to you through the window. Jess followed his hand, lips downturned and eyes holding venom. 

“You’re kidding right?” The girl asked, disbelief spilling from her lips. “I’m offering you a night in my bed and you’re turning me down for Back To The Future with her?”

It was actually The Goonies, you’d wanted to tell her, but Steve was licking his lips nervously, eyes flickering between you and Jess and you really wish you could say something to save him. 

You stepped out the patio doors, arms crossed self consciously over your chest. “Steve, it’s okay, we-”

Steve shrugged and he didn’t look surprised when Jessica stepped out of his embrace, glossy lips twisted in shock and annoyance. 

“We’ve had it planned for a while Jess,” he explained, “movies, pizza and-”

“Well come after,” Jess demanded, like it was simple. “Or better yet, just do your stupid movie night some other time.”

Steve looked confused, staring down at the girl as if he was wondering which part she wasn’t understanding. You grimaced, eyes wanting to fall shut ‘cause you knew what the boy was going to say and god, you wished you could hide from it. 

But then he was explaining to her that you were staying over, crashing at his like you always did, like you had done for years. 

Steve said it so plainly that you almost wanted to laugh. In fact, your lip twitched, the threat of a smile pulling at it and you turned, toeing at the grass as you waited for the impending blow out. The boy had an endearing habit of stating the truth with such a sincerely soft tone, almost oblivious to the carnage his honesty could sometimes cause. 

“I’m sorry,” Jessica stated, voice climbing a little higher in volume and pitch as she took in this new information. “I could’ve sworn you just told me you had another girl staying with you tonight.”

Steve scrunched his nose, mouth parting as he wondered what he was supposed to say to that. He floundered, hands gesturing wildly as he tried to gain some control on the matter. 

“Jess, what? It’s not a big deal, it’s not like that.”

And he was right, it wasn’t. Not yet. 

Nothing had ever happened with you and Steve, not when you were pressed together at night, side by side in his bed, moving closer as you slept, pillow creases on your cheeks, hands close to places you shouldn’t have been touching. 

Nothing happened in the mornings either, when you were both soft with sleep, hair mussed and misbehaving, warm hands and toes pushing into the other's skin as you tried to find the comfort of that lazy feeling in each other. 

You’d never noticed him stare at you when you got out of the shower, skin still damp, hair pushed back from your face and a too big shirt clinging to your thighs. He never realised you held your breath when he pulled his top off at night, body warm and solid beside you, fingers desperate to trace a map of constellations across his back, freckle to freckle. 

Your realisation that your best friend wasn’t just attractive, but was pretty, was a slow burn. It came as you aged, an appreciation growing as you did, Steve too. You noticed the boys in your class as they grew taller, filling out, and you didn’t realise the same was happening to Steve until the summer you both turned fifteen. 

You’d spent school vacation at his parents lake house, watched him laze shirtless on the small motorboat, new muscles flexing, drops of water casting tiny rainbows across the tanned skin it clung to. He’d grown his hair out, chocolate brown strands out of control and messy, boyish as it was pretty. You didn’t know what to do with this new information, new feelings, and when Steve continued to throw you over his shoulder, playing in the shallows of the lake, his wide hands spanning the curves of your thighs, your hips, you ignored the burn his touch left behind. 

Jess huffed out a laugh and it sounded dangerous, a little like a threat. She found your gaze, held it until hers dropped to scan you up and down, doing her best to make you feel small. 

“Whatever, Harrington,” she shoved past Steve, shoulder edging into his chest as she headed for the gate. “Ask your little friend to suck your dick instead.”

You burned at her words, eyes wide as you stared at a crack in the patio, refusing to watch as she stormed through the gate, the hinges protesting loudly as it was slammed shut, leaving you both in silence. 

The trickle of the pool filter was the only sound for a minute, maybe two, then you heard Steve sigh, heavy and world weary. You looked at him, feeling a little guilty. 

“Shouldn’t you go after her?” You asked. 

Steve gave a half shrug, already moving to sit down on the lounger that you’d spent your morning on. You joined him, sitting on the end so you didn’t touch, like you weren’t supposed to after Jessica’s accusation. 

“Nah,” he told you, “it’s fine, it’s… whatever.”

You snorted and the sound made the corners of his mouth lift a little, eyes flitting over to you, always interested in what you were going to say. 

“That’s a new height of romance, Harrington,” you mused, foot dipping into a small puddle of pool water. You drew lines and shapes on the dry concrete with your toe, watching the sun dry them out almost instantly. “It’s whatever?”

“I dunno,” Steve sighed, reaching over to pluck his sunglasses back from the top of your head and pushing them over the bridge of his nose. He looked good with them on, you mused, too pretty, too nice. “Wasn’t like we had that much in common.“

“Then why date her in the first place?” You asked, face twisting with annoyance.

Steve had developed a habit in freshman year of dating girls who gave him nothing more than wandering hands in the back of his car, passive aggressive comments when he missed their calls and whiplash when they found out about you. 

A smirk tugged at his lips, a handsome match with his Ray Bans and messy hair and he turned to you, eyebrows raised. 

“You’re a pig,” you muttered, trying to sound disgusted but Steve was pushing his fingers into your sides, hands dragging over your ribs and you were laughing despite yourself, “get off me!”

You were ignored, unsurprisingly, and you wondered if Jessica had made it back to her car yet, if she’d driven away or if she had heard your shriek of delight when Steve suddenly stood and scooped you up. 

One arm was wrapped around your waist, a wide, rough hand pressed against the skin just under your breast, his thumb grazing the of your bikini. The other curved itself on your thigh, your body held tight to his as he ran with you, hurtling you both to the edge of the pool and you pressed your face into his neck when he jumped, bracing yourself for the cool water. 

Steve didn’t let you go until you both surfaced, his feet planted on the bottom of the pool as he pushed you both to the surface. Your hands were around his neck and you gasped, water dripping from your lashes and lips, hair a wet mess and he was laughing. That soft laugh that made any summer day feel warmer than it already was, a laugh that reminded you of fresh lemonade and bedroom sheet forts. 

He let go of your legs before you waist, letting the lower half of your body slide out of his grasp and slide against his, so you were chest to chest, your abdomens pressed together and you almost lost your footing, chin slipping under the water, eyes gazing up at him despite the way the sun made it hurt. 

Maybe it was the way you pressed a hand to his stomach to ground yourself,  feeling the muscles tense under your touch, maybe it was the way you were looking at him, maybe he just forgot he wasn’t supposed to look at you like that. But something happened and Steve cleared his throat, letting go of your waist and allowing himself to fall backwards and under the water. 

He reappeared a few feet away, hair darker and slicked back, eyes a little wild as he looked at you, like you were suddenly dangerous. 

And I'm highly suspicious that everyone who sees you wants you. 

You weren’t overly fond of Nancy Wheeler, not at first. 

You couldn’t deny that the dislike you felt for the girl stemmed from jealousy and your own inability to get a handle on your feelings but, you had to admit, she was better than most of the girls Steve had dated before. 

Pretty, smart, sharp and with a keen eye. She liked journalism, the quiet and even you. You shared the knowledge of The Upside Down, bonded over the fear you both felt for her brother and his friends and when you passed each other in the hallway, you nodded, civil and overly aware of all the things you’d both seen together. 

You weren’t joined at the hip and you didn’t love how she slid her hand into Steve’s, or how he kissed her at her locker, telling you he’d catch up with you at lunch. You’d spent months telling yourself you weren’t jealous of Nancy, just that you missed your best friend and you resented the way the girl took up all his free time. 

You missed the way he snuck in your bedroom window, a pointless task and waste of his energy, ‘cause your parents would hear him clambering up their drainpipe, eyes rolling, fond and affectionate, ‘cause it was Steve. 

He’d always told you that he did it for the fun of it, to see you smile when his head appeared over the sill and so you’d help him clamber over the window frame. He’d spend the late hours with you, whispering about nothing and laughing about everything, shoulder to shoulder in your bed until you both fell asleep, sprawled on top of the sheets, his shoes in the middle of your floor and his arm slung over your waist. 

You liked it when the sun woke you early, the curtain still opened from when you’d forgotten to close them after Steve’s sudden appearances, the light pink and peach as it leaked into your room. It painted stripes of light and shadow over your walls, over the boy’s broad shoulders and cheek, the other smushed into your mattress, hair a mess and lips parted sleepily. 

You got to admire him like that, when his eyes were still closed and he was so unaware. Steve couldn’t catch you staring, wondering if his lips were actually as soft as they looked, if he knew how pretty you thought he was, if he thought you were pretty too. 

He still picked you up for school in the morning, his BMW sat at the end of your drive but his clothes were sleep creased, hair mussed from spending the night with Nancy instead, sneaking through her bedroom window and not yours. He still smacked a kiss to your cheek when you parted for class but it wasn’t the same, he wasn’t quite just yours anymore and you hated the way it hurt. 

So yeah, you could appreciate that Nancy was a nice person and seemed to be good for Steve - at least, until she wasn’t - but you didn’t have to like her for it. 

When she broke your best friend’s heart, you’d found him sitting on the hood of his car after school, lips downturned and expression sour, nothing but worry beating in your chest ‘cause you hadn’t seen him since the morning before and no one answered your calls to his house that night. 

But then rumours started swirling around the halls, floating over tables in the cafeteria like wildfire and you couldn’t fucking find him. You saw Nancy in the library during your free period, her head bent close to Jonathan Byers as they whispered about something you couldn’t hear, their hands on the table, fingers too close to touching and Nancy had the right to look guilty when her gaze met your own. 

So you’d marched straight over to Steve and he crumbled a little when he saw it was you, slipping off the hood and letting you usher him to the front seat. He didn’t really hesitate when you held out your hand to him, silently asking him to let you take care of him. 

He placed the car keys in your palm, eyes tired, face sad and you were desperate to fix it. You hadn’t seen Steve like that before and you didn’t know what to do, his pain was yours, your heart beating hard against your chest until you felt like your bones were bruised. 

There were talks of the girl cheating on him, wandering around late with Jonathan and you knew they shared the same worries and trauma that you all did when it came to knowing things the rest of the town didn’t, but you didn’t know what was happening between the pair. 

So you drove him home, listened when Steve told you that he loved her, that he didn’t know how to fix it. But then it was and then it wasn’t, a game of on and off, yes and no, that you couldn’t really keep up with. 

It all came to a head on Halloween, after months of leaving your window open for no one. 

Steve climbed in, startling you, hands finding your bedroom floor before his feet did and when he stood, eyes meeting yours, you wanted to be mad at him. 

It had been a week since you hung out, passing in the halls and waving when you could, exams stressing you out and his time taken up by Nancy and all the parties he seemed intent on going to. He’d given up trying to get you to go with him, sick of it all after the second time, a spare part, third wheel, an audience to his kisses with Nancy. 

But he stood by your bed with the most forlorn expression on his face, features soft and watery and you simply pulled back the sheets, shuffling over to the side that had been made yours when you were both seven, so Steve could claim his. 

The boy toed off his shoes, his jacket falling to the carpet as he shrugged it off and you felt like a kid again when he crawled across your mattress, shuffling underneath the covers and pushing himself against you. 

Steve got as close to you as he could without asking for a hug, his pride already seemingly too hurt to put himself out there, even with you. But he didn’t hesitate when you turned into him, wrapping your arms around his neck and pulling him into you, your nose pressed into his hair. He smelled like smoke and weed from the party, a little like Steve underneath it. 

He returned your touch instantly, seeking it out with a desperation that almost shocked you, eager to accept it when it was offered. He tugged you in by the waist, arms wrapped around you and his face pressed into the crook of your neck. 

He wished he told you then, that you smelled like summer and afternoons by the pool, like cherry popsicles and promises and home. But he didn’t feel brave enough, not then, not yet. 

“We broke up,” Steve finally mumbled, voice a little broken and muffled by your neck and hair. “She broke up w’me. Called us bullshit.”

You frowned, confused, pulling back a little in the hopes that Steve would look at you and explain but his grip on your waist only tightened and you patted at his hair, smoothed the almost curls at the nape of his neck and whispered his name. 

“Steve, hey, babe, what?” You received a groan in answer but you persisted, shuffling out of his grasp and gripping his chin with your finger, pushing at him a little pleadingly until the boy looked up and met your gaze. 

“What happened?”

Steve didn’t answer until you pulled the sheets over your heads, your own little bed fort that let the dim light of your bedside lamp filter through, soft and warm and hazy. You let go of his chin, your hand smoothing his hair back from his face and he pushed his cheek into your touch as he spoke. 

“Nancy, it’s over,” he told you, a frown pulling at his brow, “she said the whole relationship was bullshit, that I was bullshit.”

You held your breath, letting him talk as you smoothed a thumb over his cheekbone, feeling him relax into you despite the way he was letting his words tumble from his lips, mixing in with his emotions until he was stuttering over himself. 

“She, she said we were just acting like we were in love?” Steve caught your stare, his eyes confused as he looked at you, as if he could find an answer in your gaze but you just gaped at him. “Said that I only thought I was in love with her ‘cause I was too busy tryin’ to pretend I wasn’t in love with someone else, or some shit like that, I don’t fuckin’ know.”

“What?” You whispered, voice full of surprise because what the fuck? 

“Right?” He answered, indignant and wide eyed. “I don’t know what she was talkin’ about, she would answer me, just told me she wasn’t in love with me and god, fucking Byers took her home.”

“Jonathan?”

You screwed up your face, hardly even reacting when Steve groaned again, pushing himself back into you, his face comfortably pressed into your chest, just above the swell of your breast, his mouth warm through your shirt. 

It should’ve startled you, the proximity, the intimacy, especially after missing him for so long. But it was still Steve, your best friend, the boy that promised to be there until the very end. 

“Why’d Jonathan take her home?” You asked, your cheek pressed to the top of his head as you spoke, the sheets fluttering around you both as Steve shifted, arms wrapping around you more, pulling you until you were flush with his body. 

He couldn’t have been touching more of you if he tried. 

“She was drunk,” he mumbled into your chest, lips moving over your shirt, making the material shift across your skin and it lit you up, body electric and the air buzzing. “I told him to. She didn’t want me.”

You sighed, eyes closing at the pained sound in the boy’s voice and you let him hold you, your own hand taking into his hair, scratching at his scalp in a way you knew he liked. 

“Steve,” you murmured, soft and sympathetic. 

He whispered your own name back to you, his tone the same and it made you smile. You could feel his own against your chest, lips lifting, breath coming out in a small huff. 

“You could still talk to her tomorrow, y’know?” You said conversationally. You hated yourself for trying to fix it for him, for attempting to out the girl back between you both but fuck if you weren’t a good friend. “Maybe she just said all that shit ‘cause she had too much to drink.”

You twirled a length of the boy’s hair around your finger, making it curl. “Was it Jack Templeman’s punch? That dude makes rocket fuel in a bowl, she might have been absolutely wasted.”

Steve shook his head before he pulled back, falling into your pile of pillows and gazing at you.  

“Nah, I don’t wanna chase her,” he said and despite the sadness in his voice, he sounded sure. “I don’t wanna be with someone who thinks I’m bullshit. I mean, I know I’m not perfect, but damn, bullshit?”

You shook your head, gaze hard and you wanted to shake him, to make him understand how wrong Nancy was. 

“Steve, you're not bullshit.” He held your stare, lips parted. “You’re the furthest thing from that, I’m sorry I don’t know why Nancy said that, I wish I could-”

He stopped you before you could continue, a small smile lifting at his lips and he found your hands between the tangle of sheets, tugging you over to him and onto his chest. You lay your head there, protesting when Steve’s finger poked at your cheek, fond and soft. 

“I know what you’re gonna say, sweetheart, and it’s fine.” He sighed, sleepy and weighted. “You don’t need to fix everything for me, not this time, anyway.“

You fell silent, thinking about the times Steve was referring to, wondering if this was finally the year he stopped needing you. The thought made your chest hurt, your eyes blur and you sniffed. 

“My dad’ll be home from that conference soon,” he mumbled softly and you could tell without even looking at Steve that he had his eyes closed. “You can come fight my battles for me then, how’s that sound short stuff?”

It was silly, his words. The way they made you feel. Like you were needed again, important. Like he didn’t wanna face the things that scared him without you. It hurt that after all those years, he still felt like that about his own father but it calmed a part of you to know that he didn’t seem as cut up about Nancy Wheeler as he once was. 

“Are you okay?” You asked, tentative, and you made a face ‘cause god, that seemed like a stupid fucking question. “Will you be okay?” You asked instead. 

Steve hummed noncommittally and you craned your neck to look up at him, smiling when you were proven right at his closed eyes. His lashes fluttered against his cheeks as you shifted over him, tucking yourself into his side. 

“I mean yeah, sure,” he murmured, voice dropping lower and rougher as sleep pulled at him. “I’ll be fine. I’ve got you, haven’t I?” 

He turned his face to yours at that, nose nudging at your forehead as he blindly sought out your features, pressing a soft, warm kiss to your temple. 

“M’sorry,” he whispered into your hair and you stilled, swallowing the lump that had caught in your throat. “I’m so sorry I’ve not been around.“

You squeezed your eyes closed at his words, letting them burn until you were sure you weren’t going to cry. 

You wanted to say it was okay, to soothe him, to make Steve feel better but the lie got caught on your tongue and you couldn’t bring yourself to tell him something that wasn’t true. 

You shrugged instead, lips twisted to keep them from turning downwards, his words heavy on you because god, you’d missed him so much. 

“I missed you,” Steve whispered and fuck, it lit you up inside. “Like, really missed you.”

He was soft and gentle with it, words brushing against your temple, breath warm, hands twisting in the sides of your shirt, barely grazing at your skin, head butting at yours playfully. 

He was Steve, he was late nights, long days, summer rainstorms, driving lessons, flunking your test, Saturday afternoon drives, feet on the dash, music too loud, smile blinding. 

He was a little bit yours again. 

“Yeah,” you sighed, feeling a little lighter than you had before, eyes falling shut like Steve’s. “I missed you too, Harrington.”

Steve’s breath was becoming slower, chest falling heavy and lazy and you both curled into each other on instinct, sleep pulling both of you together, the same way it did when you were both ten and piled on the sofa, movie still playing. 

“You still my best friend?” His voice was a soft mumble, and you heard the worry there, hidden behind a crack of humour. 

“Yeah, I’m still your best friend.”

—————

You didn’t see Nancy until a week later, and when you did, you didn’t expect her to corner you at your locker, big eyes wide and asking if you could talk. 

You met her after school, walking to the opposite end of the parking lot from where Steve would be waiting on you, perched on the hood of his car as usual. 

Nancy saw you coming, her face a little nervous as she bid goodbye to Jonathan who’d been standing beside her and you watched as they squeezed each other's hand before he took off. 

You raised your brows as you approached, tugging your headphones to sit around your neck and you wondered what Nancy Wheeler could possibly have to say to you. 

The world wasn’t ending, the kids were all safe and she wasn’t your best friend's girl anymore. 

She squinted at you, trying to work out your mood, your emotions but you remained a little stoned faced, wondering if Steve would be pissed if had to see you here. You knew they’d spoken since Halloween, a chat that Steve had said felt too formal and stilted, but the air was cleared enough that they could cross paths when dropping Dustin, Will and Lucas at Mike’s house, an awkward wave exchanged from the front door to the car. 

“You wanna sit?” Nancy asked, gesturing to a bench that sat by the edge of the school line, shadowed by trees that provided a little coverage from the wind that was picking up now that winter was approaching. You kicked at the leaves on the ground and shoved your hands into your jacket pocket, holding it tighter to your body. 

“Sure,” you muttered, following her across the grass, leftover rain sticking to your boots. 

The sky was still blue, a crisp Fall day that turned your nose pink, numbed your fingers and had you wishing for a Hawkins summer, the smell of sunscreen and cut grass replaced with rain and the promise of snow. 

You sat on opposite ends of the bench, bodies turned to face each other and with the safety of your school bags between you both. You picked a dead leaf off the sole of your shoe, waiting for the other girl to talk. 

“Look, I don’t know what Steve’s explained to you,” Nancy said, voice cracking a little with what seemed like nerves. “You know, when we spoke the other week.”

You shrugged, “I mean, not much,” you answered, “but it’s really not my business to know.”

Nancy nodded at that, appreciative, “I guess but I just want us to be friends, you know? I wanted you to understand why I broke it off with Steve. He’s a great guy but-”

“I know he is,” you interrupted, brows pulled together in confusion ‘cause there was never any debate about that. You softened a little when Nancy smiled at you, lips pulled up and eyes a little knowing. “Sorry, that was rude.”

“It’s fine,” she told you, voice lighter than it had been before. “Like I said, Steve’s great… I guess I just didn’t love him the way I should’ve. And maybe that would’ve been a little easier if I didn’t see the way he looked at someone else.”

You frowned, staring at the girl as she looked back at you, silently willing you to catch on. 

“What?” You asked, “I thought this was about you and Jonathan? You can’t act as if you haven’t been glued to Byers hip since this happened.”

Nancy had the right to look guilty, picking at her nail before looking back up at you. “Yeah, no, you’re right. I didn’t mean for what happened with Johnathan to happen… it just did, but that doesn’t make it okay.”

She brushed a curl from her face, bringing her bag down to her feet so there was less separating her from you. The wind rushed at you both, stinging your cheeks and whipping at your clothes before it settled back down and let Nancy speak. 

“I’m not blaming this on Steve, I’m not, and I shouldn’t have said he was bullshit,” she rushed out, “maybe we were just meant for other people you know? And think that, maybe, Steve doesn’t know that he’s already found his person.”

“I genuinely don’t know what you’re talking about,” you huffed, “but whatever. I’m just glad I don’t have to hear the two of you arguing every other day.”  

Nancy nodded, smiling at the way you were avoiding her gaze, your mind suddenly racing with what she’d said. 

“For what it’s worth,” the girl murmured, foot nudging friendly against yours, “it would probably make it a lot easier on the poor guy if this girl could admit that she was in love with him too.”

“Alright, yeah,” you stood up suddenly, cheeks flushed and your head a little scattered. “I think you’ve got it twisted Wheeler, but, uh, good talk.”

The girl hid a laugh, pressing her lips together as she watched you gather your bag, eyes shining. Nancy nodded, looking up at you as you stood a little awkwardly. You raised a hand in a goodbye, a small smile lifting at your lips in what seemed like an amicable agreement. 

You stopped before you got too far, the sun in your eyes as you squinted back at the girl who was still sitting on the bench. 

“Hey, Nancy?” She looked at you, eyes surprised. 

“Yeah?”

“Are you happy?” You asked and she was taken aback at how genuine you sounded. She paused, eyes flicking over to where Jonathan’s car was parked, engine idling as he waited for her. 

She nodded, resolute. “Yeah, I am,” she answered quietly and confidently. 

You nodded too, surprised at how it warmed you to hear that. You never wished ill on the girl, you just didn’t like how she broke your best friend, leaving you to put him back together again, piece by piece. 

“I’m glad Steve’s got you, you know,” she called back before you could start to walk away again and her words made your heart stumble. You swallowed, looking at her with parted lips. “He’s lucky to have you.”

And well, wasn’t that a statement to behold?

When you finally clambered into Steve’s car, bringing the chill and some stray leaves from the outside, Steve was frowning softly, concerned by your lateness. 

He looked at your flushed cheeks, pink nose and glassy eyes from the sharp wind and cranked up the heat, pointing his vents to your side too. 

“Where’ve you been?” He asked, voice worried, “I was gonna call in the kids, start a search party.”

You laughed, a little strained after the conversation you had, rubbing your hands together for warmth and you shrugged, noncommittal. 

“I was uh, just catching up with a friend.”

Can I go where you go? 

When Steve got a job after graduation at Scoops Ahoy, it was supposed to mean free ice cream and catching a late showing at the cinema after his shifts. 

It brought you Robin Buckley, Steve in a sailors hat, a new flavour of ice cream every month and fucking Russians. 

You thought dimensions and demogorgons were about as much as you could handle but Dustin came back from camp with a new gadget he’d built, some kind of high tech radio that looked like it was held together with duct tape and paper clips but the thing actually worked. 

It worked well enough to pick up secret codes from underground labs, translated by Robin and well, fuck. Suddenly you were trapped in an elevator that wasn’t actually supposed to be an elevator and Erica Sinclair was going to miss her Uncle Jack’s party. 

You knew Steve wasn’t happy with you, you could tell by the way his jaw was set, the way that he looked at you when he thought you weren’t paying attention, and his lips twisted and his gaze dropped when you tried to catch his gaze. 

It made the air in the elevator crackle and buzz, tension on top of tension as you moved around each other, looking for a way out, hardly touching, hardly speaking. Robin twisted her lips, sympathetic, when she caught your gaze, your face flushed with annoyance. 

He’d told you not to come. 

Not out of meanness, or because you had fallen out, simply because he didn’t want you in harm's way. You’d ended up yelling at each other, a hundred feet below the mall and trapped in a metal box because why did it matter when Robin and the kids were stuck there too?

Steve, of course, cared that he had another friend, a thirteen year old and a ten year old to keep safe and he had every intention of doing so. But he couldn’t help but feel sick, his stomach rolling, at the thought of you being put in a dangerous situation. 

You’d told him that he was being stupid, that you weren’t leaving him. You thought you’d seen all the dangers Hawkins had to offer, you could handle yourself, you could help him. 

His worst fears came true when you all got split up, Dustin and Erica hopefully somewhere above you all, on their way for help, for something, anything. 

But then a man came, tall and dressed in uniform, badges adorning his chest, and he took one look at the way Steve stood in front of you when he entered and swung for the side of his head. 

The boy fell backwards, dazed, groaning at the shock and pain of it all before pulling himself off of the floor, body slow and sluggish. He lifted his head in time to see the same man gripping you by the back of your neck, hair fisted painfully in his grasp as he pulled you out of the room. Robin was yelling, swearing as she tried to get a grip on you, her hand wrapped around your ankle from where she was on the floor but you were pulled from her easily, a swift kick sent to her stomach for the audacity of her trying. 

Steve felt his heart leave his chest, plummeting to his stomach, his blood running cold and everything around him slowed down. His vision was fuzzy but he could see the panic on your face, lips parted in a gasp as you tried to get to grips with what was happening. 

Russians. A lab. Under Starcourt Mall. 

He couldn’t move fast enough and he wanted to yell out, he wanted to run. But it was like being trapped in a bad dream, body damp, sheets tangled around his limbs as he tried his best to scream, to move, but nothing fucking happened. 

The door slammed shut before the ringing in his ears could stop and he could taste blood in his tongue, metallic and horribly warm. He made his fists bleed from pounding on the door, knuckles cracked and bruised, voice wrecked from yelling your name. 

He only stopped when the man came back, pulled him from Robin's side and threw more hits to his face, his body. His skin was littered with angry bruises, almost black, skipping the shades of lavender and pink, turning inky within minutes. 

Between each punch, Steve spat out blood and asked where you were, groaning as he spoke. He was ignored, time and time again, until he lost it completely, tried to lash out, fists swinging, legs thrashing and he wasn’t sure if he was crying, or it was just blood dripping down his face but he wanted to sob, desperate for you. 

He was thrown to a chair, tied back to back with Robin as some guy in a white coat threatened him with surgical equipment that looked like it didn’t belong in a hospital and when his eyes fell shut with the weight of his injuries, he wondered if he’d ever see his best friend again. 

You were finally gathered up in what could’ve been hours later, maybe one, maybe five. A guard tugged at your wrists, taped together and red raw from where you’d tried to pull them apart and suddenly you were pushed through the same door they’d taken you from, thrown at Steve’s feet and the yelling continued. 

Who did you work for, who did you work for, who did you work for?

It didn’t end until people were dead and Starcourt Mall was on fire. 

Alarms had gone off, Dustin rushing in with an electric cattle prod of all things, weidling it like battleaxe and telling you all you had to run. You weren’t sure who was supporting who as you all tumbled back to the surface, dripping blood and tears onto the mall floor as Steve gripped your hand with a fierceness you’d never experienced from him before.

But then there were guns, El broken but still fighting, the rest of your friends, concern and confusion written on their faces ‘cause when you had all been fighting Russian Soviets, they’d been fighting Billy, the evil inside of him turning him into something different from the boy you’d seen in the school halls.

You’d held Max when he fell, body bloodied and ripped open, eyes glassy like he’d known what was coming. You left the mall that night with a new fear of loud noises, of fireworks that cracked and snapped in the sky. You knew what burning flesh smelled like, you knew that there was more to be said about monsters, more danger in the world than just the creatures that lurked in the cracks of the earth.

You knew that evil could come in the shape of a man, a familiar face, behind a uniform, a doctor's white lab coat. 

You were tired, beaten, a little bloodied and bruised and your throat was raw after you’d screamed for Steve, fists beating on the door as you went ignored. You heard him from behind the steel walls, his voice as wrecked and panicked as your own and you sobbed when you heard his yells turn to groans, sickening wet thumps of bone hitting bone, breaking up the sound of him calling out your name. 

You sat beside him in the ambulance, hands still clutching each other tightly, fear of being torn apart again ripping through you both. The medic wanted to take him to hospital, to make sure his cheekbone wasn’t shattered, that you both weren’t suffering from shock or concussion but Steve refused, just wanting to go fucking home.

The sky was angry, red and crying, plumes of black and crimson smoke billowing from the broken building and you didn’t know what to do. People were dead and the whole world seemed to be burning. 

But Steve took you by the hand, pulled you to his side as you made sure everyone was okay, as well as they could be considering the circumstances and the boy stood a little numb as he watched you drop to your knees and fold Max into a hug, tears streaking through the blood and dirt on your cheeks when you pressed a kiss to El’s forehead. 

Everyone was a little broken, barely standing, barely breathing and it didn’t seem difficult to continue the lie to your parents, calling them from a pay phone to say that you were okay, you had seen the news but it was fine, you had been at Steve’s the whole time, you’d be home in the morning.

You let Jonathan bundle you both into the back of his car, one of his old jackets thrown around your shoulders as Nancy sat in the front, Steve beside you, shoulder to shoulder, thigh to thigh. He dropped you both at Steve’s front door, little to be said between the hour of you as shock and tiredness tugged at your bodies, your heads. Hands were pressed to shoulders, squeezing softly, telling each other everything you all needed to say but couldn’t - not then, not just yet.

Thank you, I’m sorry, I’m glad you’re okay, I’m happy you’re safe.

The Harrington house was empty, as expected and the rooms felt darker and colder than they had before, empty and too big, your harsh breaths rattling too loudly and you could feel a panic building inside you, clawing at your chest. 

It grew when you looked at Steve’s face, dried blood and dark bruises making him look like he was about to fall apart and when you squeezed your eyes closed, you could hear the way he yelled your name, raw and broken.

A sob bubbled from your throat, spilling from your lips and you’d barely taken a breath before Steve was in front of you, arms pulling you into him, a hand around your neck, foreheads pressed together. It was supposed to ground you - and it did, in a way - but the cries still came, stuttered and broken, the heavy kind of sobs that made your body heave with the exertion of it all. 

Steve held you through it, both of you swaying unsteady on your feet in the middle of his hall, shoes streaking dirt across Mrs. Harrington’s white tiles. Neither of you could ask the other if they were okay, ‘cause the answer was obvious but when your tears finally stopped, your face wet and your head sore, the boy took you by the hand and led you up the stairs. 

He walked past his bedroom door, the little slice of heaven you most wanted at that moment in time, the only place in the large house that truly felt like home to you both. It was a surprise when he nudged open the door to the main bathroom, rarely used due to all the ensuites that were accessed through bedrooms but the large corner tub there suddenly looked like a gift from above. 

You felt like a spare part when Steve let go of you long enough to turn the taps, filling the bath with hot water and a mixture of his mother’s expensive soaps and bath milks, sweet smelling bubbles and steam filling the room. 

You found a first aid kit underneath the sink, pushed to the back of the cupboard, unused and when you motioned to the boy to sit on the closed toilet seat, he did without arguing. He spread his legs for you without you needing to ask, standing between his knees with a bottle of antiseptic and some cotton balls, more tears slipping down your cheeks as you mumbled out apologies, dabbing the stinging liquid into his skin.

Steve simply held onto your legs, eyes closed and his hands wrapped around the back of your knees, his thumbs stroking over the sensitive skin there as he whispered back, telling you it was okay, it’s fine, I'm fine sweetheart. 

The cuts on his face didn’t seem as angry, as severe, when you wiped away the blood that crusted around them but the dark bruises seemed mean and vicious against the pale cast of his skin, shock seeping out all the colour from his cheeks. 

He let you press a kiss to his forehead, clutching at the sides of his head, fingers buried in his damp, messy hair and the push of your lips was fierce, conveying everything you wanted to say but couldn’t, because fuck, you didn’t know how to tell your best friend that you think you were falling in love with him. Because how else could the thought of losing someone hurt so fucking much?

Steve left you alone to bathe, skin stinging as you stripped down to your underwear, your body and bones lazy as you pulled at your jeans and shirt. You gave up when you got down to your underwear, cotton pants and lacy bralette mismatching in a clash of cherry print and forest green and they both stuck to your skin as you slid into the hot water. 

You drew your knees to your chest, eyes closed and head pressed there as you let the heat nip at you, cuts and scrapes protesting but it was good to feel something when your head felt numb, your chest hollow. You weren’t sure how long you sat there for but you could've sworn someone was calling your name, a knock on the door echoing on the tiles and your mouth felt too fuzzy to answer. 

Steve could only hear the slow, steady drip of the tap and panic rose in his chest when you didn’t answer him and he had thoughts of you unconscious and slipping beneath the bubbles. 

So he knocked once more, heart racing before he turned the handle and pushed at the door a little, calling out your name. 

He heard the water splash at the sides of the tub, movement at least. But then he heard you sniff, the noise turning to soft sobs and it gripped at his heart, crushed it a little and before he knew it, he was in the bathroom, bare feet on the tiles and staring down at you, tucked into the smallest ball you could amongst the bubbles.

Neither of you spoke as Steve pulled off the shirt and cotton sweats he’d changed into, his own eyes glassey as he left his boxers on, stepping into the water with you, sitting down in the space behind you.

It felt like the most natural thing in the world when he spread his legs and pulled you into them, your back to his bare chest as he wrapped his arms around your knees too, holding you to him. He let you cry like that, head bent over yours, the two of you curled into the water together, steam licking at your skin. You think you felt a tear drop from his eye, warm as it slid through your hair and onto your cheek and the feel of it made you search for his hand, scrambling desperately under the hot water and foam so you could link your fingers through his.

Your grip on each other was as tight as it was when he’d pulled you to your feet after Dustin saved you from pliers and scalpels, the same way it had been when a six year old Steve had helped you up from the playground, knees scraped and front tooth missing after falling from the monkey bars. It was the same touch you granted him when you were twelve and he had to go to the emergency room, his arm broken after falling off of his bike. You’d begged to ride in the ambulance with him and his mom, his ink stained fingers reaching for you, not Mrs. Harrington. 

When you had no tears left to give and the water was turning lukewarm, Steve turned the tap again, let the hot water fill the room back up with steam and soothe your tired bodies. He grabbed a sponge, tapped at your knee until you turned to him, face to face and unbelievably vulnerable. 

But you let him smooth the sponge over the bare skin that he could see, up your arms, wiping away the soot from the fire, the stubborn dried blood that didn’t want to leave. He squeezed warm water over your chest, looking at your eyes and definitely not your bra, the pretty, green lace turning darker against your skin.

He pressed a kiss to your hair when you let your head fall into him, too tired to sit up and when you couldn’t hear the far away whine of sirens in the distance anymore, he helped you stand, the water that was light pink with blood swirling down the drain. He wrapped you both in towels, murmuring the whole time that you were okay, he had you, it was gonna be fine. 

You pulled your favourite shirt from underneath his pillow, tugging it on and falling into his bed, the smell of Steve and home surrounding you in the same way that the sheets did, soft and comforting. The boy clambered in beside you, body stiff and pain settling in his bones but you glued yourself to his side, hands intertwined and pressed between your chests and you couldn’t close your eyes until Steve leaned into you, breath warm and smelling of mint as he pressed his lips to your ear as he told you: “Remember when I promised you that I’d protect you from everything bad?”

You nodded, remembering that cherry flavoured popsicle and the way Steve’s pool looked so much bigger and deeper back then. “We were eight, Steve.”

He hummed in agreement, forehead rubbing fond against your own and you revelled in the fact that you both smelled like the same cotton and lemongrass body wash. 

“We were,” he agreed, voice a soft whisper, cracking a little from the yelling that had ripped his throat apart. “But the promise still stands, sweetheart.”

You opened your eyes to look at them and he looked a little fuzzy as you teared up. But Steve shook his head gently, hand tightening around your smaller one.

“No more tears, please babe,” he sniffed too, as if the entire night suddenly hit him, “I got you now, yeah? I’m never gonna let anythin’ happen to you, promise.”

You slept then, a little broken and fitful, but every time you shifted in your sleep, the boy followed, bodies traversing across the mattress and between the sheets. When you woke in the morning, you had your head on Steve’s chest, a leg thrown over his own, your thigh hitched high over his and his arms were a vice grip around you, his face pressed to the top of your head. 

The sheets were on the floor, a pillow by the door as if it had been kicked and the sun was shining through the gap in the curtain, bright and warm and mocking. The world felt a little different after that night, and so did your friendship with Steve Harrington. 

I've loved you three summers now, honey, but I want 'em all. 

Working at Family Video with both Robin and Steve meant that you got to spend a lot more time with your friends. It also meant that Robin was more privy to watching how you and Steve interacted with each other and it had the girl taking notes on your relationship with the boy like her new favourite science experiment. 

“Look, I’m just saying, he’s not really dated since Starcourt and the boy lost it over you that night.” 

You rolled your eyes, still putting away the videos that were stacked in your arms as Robin followed you up and down the aisles. The store was quiet, a Tuesday afternoon giving you little to do but you’d graduated after you fought a monster and survived the soviets, so applying for colleges wasn’t all that high on your to do list. 

Your parents had taken that news better than Steve’s, both couples perplexed at their kids' choices to stay in Hawkins and work for the summer but at least your Dad had threatened bodily harm against you when you’d told him. 

You eyed Steve who was on the other end of the store, leaning lazy against the counter as he ticked off the delivery list. He looked a little older, like you did, but the stubble on his jaw and the broadness of his shoulders made your lips part every time you chanced a look. 

He was still Steve, but he was a little taller, a little stronger. He was still late night drives and sneaking through your window, mixtapes on your birthday and cherry popsicles in his backyard during the summer. Maybe he flirted a little more with you, comments suggestive and compliments coming easier but you tried not to think about it. When you did, late at night and alone in bed, it made your head spin, your lips part, your eyes close. 

You sighed, turning to Robin to tell her with an exasperated whisper, “we’ve been best friends since pre-k, of course he was upset that I was dragged away by a fucking Russian Soviet, Robin.”

She rolled her eyes at you, stumbling over her own foot as she tried to keep up. Steve glanced up at you both at the noise, brows furrowed as you both froze, eyes a little wide and you waved, hands raised awkwardly in unison. 

“What’re you both doing?” He called out, suspicion lacing his voice and you felt heat travel from your chest to your cheeks. 

“Nothing,” Robin called out at the same time you told him you were fixing the horror section. 

Your voices piled over each other and you wanted to groan, because Robin couldn’t lie to save herself and now you both looked like idiots. But Steve just smiled, fond, and turned back to his stack of papers. 

“I'm telling you,” Robin continued, voice a little lower now, “Steve likes you, like, he likes you, likes you. Why can’t you see that?”

You stopped and turned at her last words, truly taken aback at how sincere she sounded, how confused she seemed. 

‘Cause Steve was still Steve and you were still you and nothing in the world could really change that. Steve had promised you that he’d always be your best friend, and at nineteen, that still seemed like a pretty sweet deal. 

You shrugged, pushing the last copy of Nightmare On Elm Street onto the shelf and you crossed your arms over your chest, suddenly feeling far too exposed at her interrogation. 

“It’s not like that,” you told her, whispering still, “it’s never been like that with Steve.”

She huffed, swiping a finger along the row of videos and blowing away the dust she’d collected. Robin turned, an eyebrow raised. “Would you want it to be like that? ‘Cause seriously, dude, I still can’t believe that, in like, sixteen years of friendship, you’ve never even kissed once.”

You shrugged again, holding back on telling the girl that sometimes you thought the same. 

When you were fourteen, you thought that Steve was going to be your first kiss. Looking back, you weren’t sure why, you just did. Maybe it was a feeling, maybe it was hope, maybe it was just inevitable. 

‘Cause you grew up beside the boy and never once did he feel like a brother, and that had to mean something, right? He held your hand when you watched scary movies, when you crossed the road on Main Street, when it was rush hour, just like your parents had told you to when you were seven. He never dropped your hand, he never kicked you from his side of the bed when the movies you watched together became too much. 

You went through middle school and high school still the same, joined at the hip, still sharing secrets, still holding hands when things got too hard. 

But then one summer, Hayley Collins had a birthday party and you’d been sick, too ill to attend but Steve had still stood underneath your bedroom window, features twisted with conflict as you told him it was fine, he could go without you. You remember telling him to have fun, and to bring you back some candy. 

He did. He brought you back fistfuls of sweet stuff, bags of M&M’s and pop rocks but you didn’t expect him to bring his lips to your ear and tell you a secret you never expected. 

Steve had had his first kiss. A game of spin the bottle in Hayley’s basement with her cousin who was from out of town. A girl a year older, a girl who had pretty blonde curls and a reason to wear a real bra. 

You remembered the feeling when your heart sank and the pop rocks stopped fizzing on your tongue. You wondered why the sugar tasted bitter, why your eyes were suddenly pricking with hot tears and when the boy asked if you were okay, a grin slipping from his lips, you lied and told him that you still felt sick. 

You turned to Robin, a fake smile pulling at your lips as you tried to act casual, as if her words weren’t kickstarting a feeling in your chest that you had been trying so hard to ignore for the last five years. 

You furrowed your brow, turned to the cart that was still full of videos no thanks to your friend, and picked up another pile. You stacked them until they reached your chin, until they gave you a reason to walk to the other side of the stands and take a deep breath.

“I haven’t really thought about it,” you lied, and it felt heavy on your tongue, tasting too sweet and sinful. Because of course you had. “It’s not something that’s crossed my mind.”

Robin saw right through you and you could tell by the way her brows rose and she hid her smile behind a press of her lips. 

“Sure,” she said, voice too light. “Humour me then. What do you think would happen if you did let it cross your mind?”

You stared at her, mouth agape, because what the fuck was the girl getting at. 

She grabbed some of the videos you were holding, The Exorcist close to slipping from its slot underneath your chin and she started stacking them beside you, completely out of alphabetical order, but that was a problem for another day. 

“Just listen,” she said and you hated how she sounded excited. “What do you think would happen if you asked Steve to kiss you?”

She dropped a box, cursing when the corner of it hit her toe but she bounced back up, bright eyes still brimming with all the thoughts that were swirling round her head at once. 

“Cause you know he would, right? Like the poor guy can’t say no to you, he’s never been able to.”

You made a sound of protest, heart hammering in your chest because Steve was still right there, fingers running though his hair, pen between his lips and so completely fucking oblivious. 

But Robin suddenly stopped and spun to face you. She wrapped a hand around your wrist, soft and warm and you could tell she was choosing her words carefully before she said them, a sure fire way to tell that the girl was being serious. 

“There’s a reason that none of his girlfriends have stuck around, babe,” Robin murmured, sincerity lacing every word. “It’s ‘cause he always picks you, every time.”

—————

It had been a week since Robin had cornered you at work, whispering to you about Steve and kissing and god, you couldn’t stop thinking about it. 

You thought about it when he gave you a ride home after work, sun setting, the day turning pink and casting indigo shadows over his face, the line of his jaw, the curve of his mouth. 

You thought about it when he pushed himself into you during Saturday morning shifts, his body lazy as he leant against you, his chest to your back and his head on your shoulder. It felt softer and intimate than when he’d done it before, your mind running wild with the idea that if you turned around and kissed him, right there in the middle of Family Video, he might kiss you back. 

You thought about it when you were lying by his pool, his parents gone, the kids and Dustin’s new friend Eddie starting water fights on the lawn. You’d watch the way Steve watched you, jealous eyes and lips pouted when Eddie soaked you with a water balloon, skin damp, cheeks flushed and eyes bright. You watched how he softened and lit up again, your attention on him when you shook your wet hair over his bare chest and you couldn’t help but notice how his gaze followed the movements you made when you bent to slide your shorts back up your legs. 

So maybe it was for those reasons that you turned to him one Friday night, when it was just the two of you out in his backyard, and asked him why he’d never kissed you. 

It could’ve been the joint you’d been sharing making you feel braver, or maybe the shadows that you were hiding in, the spaces that the pool lights didn’t quite reach. 

Maybe it was the way Steve had been looking at you each time you took the joint from his lips and put it between your own. Hair a little messy, eyes hooded, jaw slack. 

Maybe it was because of all of it. Maybe it was because you were nineteen and growing impatient. Maybe it was sixteen years of build up. Of wondering, wanting, waiting. 

The air smelled the same way it did when you were eight, chlorine and cedar from the trees, that afternoon's sunscreen mixing with weed and smoke. Your tongue was stained red from the popsicle you’d had, Steve’s blue and there were new freckles on both of your faces, noses a little pink from lying out in the sun all day. 

And when the afternoon faded into evening and the sky was lilac, Steve produced a joint with a grin, a wiggle of his brows and suddenly you were lying on the deck together, the pool filter trickling in the background and laughing soft as you blew smoke into the night. 

There was a buzz of insects from the forest that stood behind the house, the faint hum of someone’s music that played from a couple of yards over and you felt the warmth radiate from the boy from where he lay beside you. 

Your bare feet pointed to opposite ends of the pool, one of yours dipped into the water and your heads were touching, cheek to cheek. If you turned to look at him, you knew your lips could slip over his easily and the thought of it made your body fizz. 

He had just plucked the joint from your mouth, thumb grazing clumsy over your top lip, fitting pretty into the dip of your Cupid’s bow when you tilted your head, cheek resting on the patio, the slabs still warm from the afternoon sun. 

“Hey, Harrington,” you sounded quiet and lazy, like you didn’t have a care in the world. But god, your heart was in your throat, pulsing like a warning. “You ever thought ‘bout kissing me?”

If Steve was shocked, he didn’t show it, not really. His eyes widened slightly, joint hanging slack from his lips and he stubbed it out on the concrete before swallowing, hard. 

He turned to you, noses almost brushing and you watched the way his gaze settled on your lips. 

“Why d’you ask?” His voice was a hush, warm and rough. 

You shrugged, boldness faltering because he hadn’t answered your question but holy shit, he was still looking at your mouth, the way your tongue snuck out to wet your bottom lip before you spoke. 

“Just something Robin said,” you told him, nose scrunched. 

Your words made his lips part, nodding in understanding because of course Robin was involved and the girl had been at him too, hounding him in the stockroom at work, calling him out on his obvious crush on your over old, dusty videos. 

But all the boy could say was, “oh.”

And then there was silence, for a second, maybe two. It felt like minutes, like an hour, like the sky was suddenly crashing down on you, as if lavender clouds and the stars were going to bury you were you lay but then-

“I have,” Steve said, quietly sure. You looked over at him as he blew out a breath, “course I’ve thought about it. ‘Bout kissing you.”

“Oh,” it was your turn to keep silent, his admission washing over you like a tsunami sized wave, one that you weren’t sure you’d be able to keep your head above. 

You sat up suddenly, shocking Steve and he leaned up onto his elbows with wide eyes, watching as you turned to face him, legs crossed and knees knocking into his thighs. 

“Why haven’t we?” You asked, bemusement colouring your tone and you couldn’t help but press your hand to his where it lay on the deck. Your fingers brushed over his, a new kind of touch. “Why haven’t we ever kissed?”

You wondered if he could hear your heartbeat, if it was rattling against your ribs as loud as it seemed to be. You held your breath as Steve sat up too, mirroring your pose and crossing his legs until you were knee to knee and looking like a couple of innocent kids again. 

He shrugged, blowing out another breath and he tugged a hand through the front of his hair, making it stand on end. He looked a little wild, like you short circuited him, like you were half way to ruining him. 

The boy’s voice cracked a little when he tried to answer and you wondered if this was okay, if you should’ve asked but then Steve was speaking, his thumb drawing absentminded circles over your bare knee.  

“I’m not really sure,” he said and he spoke soft and quiet, like he was telling you a secret. “I suppose I just didn’t wanna lose my best friend.”

It was the answer you expected. Best friend first, the prospect of a girl to kiss in the background of his mind. You should’ve been happy, you should’ve felt loved, but the idea of never having Steve in the way you realised you wanted him was becoming more crushing by the day. 

“Or maybe,” he suddenly continued, “I guess… I guess I didn’t realise I was allowed to.”

Your lips parted at that, a small bomb dropped in the middle of the Harrington’s backyard. You waited for the pool to empty, for the small wave to hit your back, for the sky to light up but nothing came and Steve was watching you, waiting. 

“You’re allowed to,” you whispered and oh my god, you didn’t feel high enough for this, but you continued, tummy dropping and skin electric. “You’ve always been allowed to.”

You heard Steve’s breath hitch and it only felt natural when his hand came up to cup the back of your neck, thumb pressed to the spot behind your ear and god, he was leaning in and so were you. 

“I just don’t know if we should,” he was telling you but he was still moving into you and his hand never fell away from your face. 

“It’s just a kiss,” you told him, voice shot, lips falling apart and you could smell his aftershave, the leftover chlorine that stuck to his skin and he was summer, he was cherry and smoke and god, he was forbidden, he was yours. “Friends can kiss, doesn’t have to mean anything.”

“It’s really just curiosity, right?”

His nose was bumping against yours, both of your eyes fluttering closed at the feel of the other's breath falling across your lips and you wondered if he’d taste like his popsicle, blue raspberry, sugar and fizz. 

You nodded at his question, too gone to speak and the movement made your top lip brush against his. Sparks against your skin, electric, dangerous and it made you sigh. 

“Steve?” You whispered, eyes squeezed shut like you were seven again and making a wish beside your birthday cake, candles making your skin glow.

He hummed, thumb still pushing against that spot on your neck, “yeah sweetheart?”

“Will you kiss me?”

And fuck, maybe Robin was right because the boy didn’t say no. In fact, Steve didn’t say anything, he just moved into you until your nose was pressed into his cheek and his lips were plush against yours and oh my god you were kissing your best friend.  

He still tasted like raspberry, like you thought he would. Like summer and promises and pool days and a little smoke and Steve. 

It was a slow push of his lips to your own, mouths slanting over each other’s, soft and languid like you both knew this was your only chance. You thought you heard him moan, a soft, low noise that made your chest hurt and when the kiss lingered, you brought your hands to his cheeks, fingers splayed over his jaw as you tugged him a little closer, greedy. 

And when his tongue licked at the curve of your bottom lip, his hand travelled to tilt at your chin, asking you to open for him, you did, no questions asked. You sighed, blissed out, when his tongue slid over yours, a hand falling to fist in his t-shirt, soft cotton crumpled in your hand because you felt like you were going to float away. 

Then Steve was pulling back, chest heaving, forehead pressed to yours and eyes still slammed shut as he gave you another secret, pressed to the corner of your mouth, your jaw, the curve of your neck. 

“I always thought you were gonna be my first kiss,” he said it like a confession, like something holy. “M’sorry you weren’t.”

And then he was back on you, lips melted between your own and you knew that the pretty noises that you pulled from him would play like a record in your dreams for months on end. Steve was grasping at your hip, the material of your dress bunched under his hand, making the cotton hitch higher up your thighs. 

You were in his lap, wide hands on your sides, guiding you as you kissed him, lovesick, eyes closed, body buzzing and you fell across his knees, thighs shifting apart to cage him underneath you and oh my god. 

Fuck. 

You sat a little higher than him, knees planted on the deck and his head was tilted back to kiss you as you crowded him. One hand was on your jaw, thumb rubbing against your cheek as he kissed you deeper now, a little dirty and when he pulled a small moan from you, his hand clasped at the back of your thigh, skin on skin. 

You could feel him hard underneath you and it made your head feel fuzzy, your body pleading with you to drag yourself along the length of him, hips rolling, chest heaving. 

When you pulled back, panting, the reflections of the pool were bouncing off your faces, ripples of light dancing across the boy's features, hitting his eyes and turning them caramel. You felt golden when he touched you, skin lit up, the air around you both crackling like a storm was coming. 

Maybe it was still the weed, maybe it was a new found courage, maybe it was just teenage hormones and the thought of seeing each other naked for the first time since you were both four, but when Steve asked if he could take you inside, you didn’t hesitate to say yes. 

It felt different in his bedroom when you both tumbled in, colliding with the dresser as you kissed each other like you meant it, like you’d never do it again. The room felt smaller, darker, softer, more intimate than it had ever been for you and suddenly you felt like a girl at the end of date. 

Steve touched you like you were more than just his best friend and it made your stomach roll, your thighs rub together and you couldn’t quite get over the way his hand spanned the width of your cheek, fingertips grazing your hairline whilst his thumb managed to pull at your bottom lip, eager for more of you. 

It all got a little wild after that, loose change and bottles of aftershave cologne clattering off of the drawers, falling to the floor as Steve picked you up and slammed you on top of it, legs spreading for him to fit in between. Hands roamed up your thighs, pushing at the soft skin there until he hitched a knee up and over his hip, pressing himself into you. 

Your dress came off first, his shirt following, a mix of colours on the carpet and he pressed his lips to the skin he uncovered, mouth over lavender lace and delicate straps. 

It felt desperate, you felt desperate. And when he sucked a bruise into the column of your throat, you keened, high and needy. It made the boy groan, mouth vibrating against your chest as he kissed over the lace triangles covering you, his gaze flicking up to watch you nod at him before he was pushing one aside, tongue smoothing over a nipple. 

It made you grab at his hair, fingers delving deep, tugging in appreciation and you were prepared for the sound it pulled from him, low in the back of his throat and it made his eyes flutter shut. 

“Sweetheart,” Steve huffed out, hands skimming up and down your sides as he pressed his forehead to yours, “I’m gonna come in my pants if you keep that up.”

He sounded wild, unravelled and sharp around the edges. It made you feel full of power, pretty lips and lace and soft skin, and you pressed the softest kiss to Steve’s mouth, his breath coming in harsh pants and before you could ask, you were being manhandled again, legs around his waist and his hands on your ass. 

He sat you both on the bed like that, spread out pretty on top of him, knees pushed into the mattress as you pulled at his belt, holding yourself up as he shuffled out of his jeans. He sucked tiny bruises on your collar bones as your bra was peeled off, nothing but your underwear separating you both and you felt his hands drag down your back, a touch that was so affectionate and soft that it took your breath away. 

Then night seemed slower after that, like time paused for you both, just for you to remember every touch. Like the world stopped spinning on its axis just for you two, just so you would both remember the way the other felt, ‘cause fuck, you had a feeling this wouldn’t happen again. 

“We don’t have to go any further,” Steve gasped, lips barely leaving yours as pushed and pulled at your hips, helping you rock over him, body rolling across his lap. “We don’t have to do anything you don’t want to.”

But you were ready to climb him, your hands grabbing at his hair to tug him back to you, kisses swallowing his words and telling the boy that you wanted exactly the opposite. 

It was strange how natural it felt, to tug the length of him out of his boxers, the feel of him hot and hard in your hand. You shuffled in Steve’s lap as he palmed you over the lace of your underwear, breath uneven. It didn’t take long for him to tug them down your legs as he slid on a condom, your foot kicking purple lace to his bedroom floor and you suddenly felt like you were underwater; body moving lazy and slow as you lifted yourself onto your knees, Steve’s hands strong and reassuring as you took him in your hand and sunk down onto him.

Neither of you moved, bodies tangled and still as you fit perfectly in his lap, arms wrapped around each other as you panted heavy into parted lips. Steve whispered your name, like a prayer, soft and broken before he pushed his lips to yours, head tilted into you so he could catch your lips deep and slow.

He grunted in surprise when you tightened around him, body clenching on his at the touch of his tongue across your bottom lip and you whimpered, hips beginning to wiggle. This was more than you’d felt before, more than wandering hands in back seats, more than a quick and fast hook-up in a party bathroom, more than fingers under skirts in your bedroom when your parents were asleep across the hall. 

“Can I move?” You ask, quiet, your hands grappling desperately at Steve’s shoulders palming over the muscles there. “I need to move, Steve, please.” If you were begging, you didn’t care, because you felt so full, so tight around him and you couldn’t help but admire the way the boy looked underneath you. 

But Steve didn’t have you waiting long, any teasing long forgotten about ‘cause he felt like he was wound too tight and you felt like fucking heaven around him. You didn’t know your eyes were wet until his thumb smoothed over your cheekbone, breath stuttering and you both gasped and swore when you lifted yourself up, just to rock yourself back down.

He moaned your name so prettily, lips glossy from your kisses and his eyes were hooded, gaze set on you, jaw slack, hands roaming across the expanse of your back as he held you to him. 

You moved over him with purpose, Steve answering with low groans and he pulled soft whimpers from you, your hand catching his face so you could look at him, gazes heavy and hot, pinned to each other. Your thumb found the curve of his bottom lip, tugging a little and Steve moaned when the pad of it slid over the edge of his teeth. “Steve,” you gasped, hips moving messy and the boy grabbed at your ass, helping you ride him a little faster. 

“That’s it, sweetheart, tell me, tell me what you want and I’ll give you it,” he pressed his lips to yours as he spoke, words slipping over your lips, your tongue and god, they tasted sweet. “I’ll give you anything.”

“More,” was all you could manage, breath hitching, eyes slamming shut ‘cause Steve’s hand dropped between you both, skin slick and he pressed his thumb over your clit; quick, hot circles that made stars flash behind your eyelids. “Close?” Steve asked, voice rough and you nodded, moving a little wilder over him, the boy reciprocated, hands holding your hips still so he could thrust up hard into you until you were biting down on the muscle on his shoulder, thighs tensing, eyes tearing up. 

Steve whispered your name when he came, arms tight around you, head buried in the crook of your neck, eyes squeezed shut, hoping and praying that he’d always remember the way you felt around him.

He kissed you one last time that night, bodies still naked and stretched out between his sheets and you didn’t say anything to each other as you caught your breaths, eyes wide on each other. There was a part of you that wished you could have the excuse of alcohol, too messy after some party to remember. You couldn’t blame the weed either, the half smoked joint still stubbed out in the backyard, hardly enough to do anything than let you both share a buzz. 

In the morning, you pulled on your clothes, wrinkled on Steve’s bedroom floor, still smelling of smoke and the boy. You tiptoed around his room, searching for your underwear, your shoes, all while the boy lay on his bed, face down, hair mussed and the white sheets barely covering his waist.

You wish you had it in you to let yourself drop back down into bed with, to have the courage to press a kiss to the freckle on his right shoulder, smooth a soft hand down his spine. But the sun was coming in through the window and your lips were still swollen from your best friend’s kisses and everything was starting to taste like a mistake. 

You didn’t know it, but Steve was awake as you left, eyes open and face pressed into the pillow that still smelled like your shampoo, heart beating wild in his chest but he didn’t move, didn’t call out to stop you. And well, that was that. 

My heart's been borrowed and yours has been blue. 

You didn’t talk about it. 

A week passed and neither did Steve and before you knew it, you were a month down the line, the feel of your best friend's lips on your skin feeling like a fever dream and you didn’t know if you’d ever be able to forget the feel of him moving against you, inside you. 

It hurt to look at him, for a while. It got worse before it got better, stilted conversations and awkward eye contact, the taste of regret in both of your tongues and all the things you wanted to say to each other were left unsaid. 

But it was fine. 

Steve asked you round for a movie one Friday, videos stacked on the coffee table in his living room, your favourite sweater of his lying out on the arm of the sofa along with red vines and the good kinda popcorn. 

You didn’t push yourself into his side like you normally would and you didn’t know if that disappointed him or not, but when he dropped you off home later that night, the sky was a dark, rosy pink, the lingering smell of rain in the air and he smacked a messy kiss to your cheek before you climbed out of his car. 

It was fine. Until it wasn’t. 

Steve started dating again, one girl, two girls, three girls. Lucy on Saturday, Matthew David’s cousin Paula the next Friday, Cindy from last year's cheer squad the week after. 

You didn’t ask about it and he didn’t tell you, just poking an affectionate finger to the apple of your cheek when he told you he’d see you the next day. You were his best friend, again, still, only. 

It was fine until one Friday shift, when you disappeared into the back room a little earlier than the store closed. You came back out in a new dress, short and pretty, with blush on your cheeks and a gloss on your lips. Robin had wolf whistled, Steve had frowned. 

“Where are you going?”

His tone of voice cut you in half, accusatory and a little shocked. Steve leaned over the counter, a finger picking delicately at a lock of hair that you’d spent too long trying to get to sit nicely. 

“A date,” you told him, voice soft, gaze lowered as you tried to cram lip gloss tubes and perfume bottles into your bag. 

“With who?” Was the instantaneous response, that same tone of voice. 

You saw Robin’s gaze flitting between the pair of you, not privy to the events that took place a month prior, but not for a lack of trying. The girl was perfectly aware that something happened. She just didn’t know what and neither your or Steve had told her anything. 

“Nate Owens,” you told him and god, why was it so hard to meet his eye? “You know, he was on the team with you.”

Steve pulled his brows together, bewildered at your answer. “Yeah, I know him, why the fuck are you going on a date with Owens?”

You heard Robin’s sharp intake of breath and she watched as you squinted at the boy, annoyance on your features. Knowing what was to come, she grabbed the last of the returns and made her way to the other side of the empty store, leaving you two alone.

“What?” You huffed out, exasperated already. Your stomach was tumbling and you hated the way you didn’t know why. Maybe it was first date jitters, maybe it was the way Steve was looking at you, maybe it was because you knew you had absolutely no interest in dating anyone that wasn’t your bet fucking friend. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

Steve grappled for something to say, stuttering over excuses until he tutted and grabbed the stapler, carelessly turning it over in his hands as he told you, “you’ve got nothing in common with him, like, at all.”

You scoffed, pulling at the hem of your dress and smoothing out imaginary creases, you were annoyed, something burning and twisting inside of you. “Sure Harrington, I forgot you choose all your dates based on compatibility and shared goals for the future.”

“He’s a douchebag,” Steve tried again, “he’s only after one thing.”

“Yeah, well, maybe I am too,” you said loftily and you didn’t look for Steve’s reaction, you didn’t want to. You moved from behind the counter, leaving a cloud of perfume in your wake and headed for the door. “Robs, I’ll call you later, ‘kay?”

Before the girl could answer, Steve was tailing you, moving across the store with that stupid stapler still in his hand and he called out your name, making you stop and turn.

“He’s just gonna hurt you,” the boy explained and you hated how his voice had turned a little softer. “You can do so much better than him.”

“Yeah?” You turned fully, chin raised and shoulders set as you locked eyes with Steve. “Who should I date then, Steve? Who’s good enough?”

The air felt electric, fully charged as the boy stared back, lips parting, chest barely moving as if he was holding his breath. If Robin was still there, you didn’t know, your mind only registering the way the boy was still silent in front of you. 

“That’s what I thought,” you eventually muttered, hot tears threatening to prick at the corner of your eyes. “Don’t wait sixteen years to start taking an interest in my love life Harrington, I’ve got by just fine without your advice.”

You’d opened the door by the time Steve replied, voice hot and clipped with anger and something else, a tone you’d never heard him use with you before. “Yeah, well, don’t come fucking crying to me when he turns out to be a dick.”

You laughed humorlessly, your back turned to him as you faced the night outside, the cool air nipping at the heat on your cheeks. You wanted to go home, to chance a look at Robin and silently ask her to clamber into bed with you, if she’d let you cry onto her shoulder as you ate pizza and watched reruns of Charlie’s Angels.

There was also a part of you that wanted to turn to Steve, glassy eyed and confused, to ask why it suddenly felt like you were fighting for the first time since middle school. 

But you didn’t.

You walked out into the night and let the door slam shut behind you. 

If you’d hung around, you would’ve heard Robin slam down the copy of Stand By Me that she was holding, eyes a little angry and disappointed as she looked at the boy and said: “You’re a fucking idiot.”

‘Yeah,’ Steve thought, ‘he knew he was.’

----------

You hated that Steve was right, you hated that Nate Owens was a pig, you hated that he did nothing but look at your chest over the dinner table, you hated that he tried to lean in for a kiss the minute you both got back into his car, you hated that he got pissy with you when you didn’t let him push his hand up your dress, you hated that he told you to put out or get out.

You hated that he left you on the side of the road, a little out of town, at a restaurant that you didn’t really know, dinner paid for with his daddy’s money.

You hated that when you finally found a payphone at the side of a dark gas station, you punched in Steve’s number. You hated that you started to cry when you heard his voice, you hated that he told you was coming to get you. 

Steve found you easily despite your awful directions, and when he asked if you were okay, voice quiet and gentle, you choked out a little sob, feeling pathetic and Steve told you to stay put, that he would be there as fast as he could.

He definitely broke some laws to get to you, flashing through amber lights faster than he was supposed to and when he pulled into the station only twenty minutes later, his heart ached at the way you leaned against the brick wall, half in shadows with your arms wrapped around you, the slight wind picking at the hem of you dress, lifting it from you thighs.

Steve got out of the car before you could move, pushing yourself off of the wall and he hated that your eyes were glassy, that you seemed embarrassed. You let him tug one of his sweatshirts over your head, one he specifically grabbed for you before rushing out of his door, ‘cause he watched you leave work without a jacket and if he’d been in a better mood when you were going on your date - if you’d have been going on a date with him - he would’ve teased you about being cold later.

Steve opened the passenger door, waiting for you to fold yourself into the front of his car and when he got back in, the only light coming from the old neon sign that was flashing red, telling customers that the store was open. 

He wrapped his hands around the steering wheel, squeezing it until his knuckles turned white and he glanced at you, expression almost unreadable.

“Did he hurt you?” he asked.

“No,” you shook your head, and it was true. You’d thrown an elbow into the Nate’s chest when he tried to push you too far, too fast, the sharp point of your arm catching him just below his throat and he’d turned on you, telling you to get the fuck out. “The only thing hurt is my pride, but I guess that’s on me, huh?”

Steve sighed at that, turning fully in his seat so he could face you, his hand coming up to press into your cheek, his thumb running gently under your eye, catching the tears there before they fell.

“Sweetheart-” Steve started, but you were overwhelmingly emotional, everything from the night and Nate and Steve suddenly becoming too much and god, you just wanted to yell with it. 

“What? Is this the part where you say I told you so?” You tried to sound biting, but the words hitched in your throat, fresh tears springing to your eyes. “Why’re you even here Steve?”

You knew why. 

“Cause you asked me,” he answered, simply and that was all there was to it, wasn’t there? “And I’m not gonna tell you shit, I’m… I’m sorry I acted like that early, I dunno what was wrong with me.”

You wanted to press further, you wanted to ask him if he truly didn’t know the reason he acted like an asshole. You wanted to ask if he was jealous, if he wanted you the way you wanted him, if he missed you, if he thought about you when he went on all these dates, if he wanted to kiss you again, if he thought about it all the time, the same way that you did. 

But Steve was still talking, fingers slipping from your face to pick at a stand of hair, playing with the end of it absentmindedly. The car felt too small, too warm and too dark, and you were sure that the last time you were both this close, you’d been in Steve's bed, wrapped around him as he made you come. 

“He didn’t deserve even an hour of your time,” he told you, brows knitted together in a frown. “And you deserve better than Nate fucking Owens, you’re too good for him,” he repeated his statement from earlier and it made you chest ache, your tummy tumble over because god, you wanted to be brave.

“Who’s good enough then, Steve?” You breathed it out, voice almost a whisper because you were so close to losing it, to grabbing the boy by his face and telling him how you felt, how’d fallen in love with him fuck knows how many years ago and you’d only recently let yourself believe it.

He started, wide eyed, lips parted and waiting, the same reaction he’d had back at Family Video. But you didn’t walk away this time, you let out a huff of laughter, no humour in it as you sat back in the seat and started out of the windscreen. The gas station was deserted, the night creeping into a new day, the clock ticking closer to midnight and the light was still flickering. 

It painted you both crimson, eyes brighter than they should’ve been, cheeks rosy. You pushed a foot to the dash, dress slipping up your thigh and gathering in the crease of your leg, showing off way too much skin but you didn’t care.

“I grew up with all the other guys in our grade knowing that I was Steve Harrington’s best friend,” you told him, voice hushed and cracking, “all of them too scared to touch me ‘cause your stupid ten year old ass always threatened to beat them up.”

He was still staring, lip twitching as if he wasn’t sure if he was supposed to laugh or not because it was true. But then he watched a tear slip down your cheek and it caught the light, a flash of ruby before it got caught on your top lip and you licked it away.

“Then in high school, I was a challenge, ‘cause I was still Steve Harrington’s best fucking friend. Boy’s would either be terrified to talk to me or treat me like the best prize they could win. They thought I was off limits, some thought I was your girlfriend and god, Steve, fuck…”

You swallowed, hard, breath catching in your chest and the car was so silent, the boy watching, listening. 

“I never thought that I wanted that, to be anything more than your friend. I didn’t,” you tried to sound convincing, but even to your own ears, your protests sounded weak. “But then you kissed me.”

You looked at him from under your lashes, hands twisted nervously in your lap, his sweater fisted between your fingers and you hated the way it smelled like him, like mint and cedar and smoke and suddenly, it was all too much.

“I know I asked you to,” you blurted out, eyes brimming with tears again, spilling over the line of your lashes and suddenly, you didn’t care about what you said anymore. “But fuck! Robin said that you never say no to me, that you’d do anything for me and god, I just wanted it once, I didn’t know it would go that far that night… I don’t regret it,” you rambled, words falling clumsily over the next and you chanced a look at him, his eyes full of shock but there was a softness behind it, familiar and fond. “I don’t regret it at all, I just-”

You sucked in a breath, let your head fall back onto the rest and let your eyes fall closed before you admitted another secret.

“I just can’t stop thinking about it.”

You kept your eyes closed as you kept talking, the words, the confessions, falling so much easier now that you’d started. The dark made you feel a little bolder, the silence of the boy encouraging you to just keep spilling your heart out, no interruptions.

“I thought that maybe you would feel the same, that you’d say something first, ‘cause you’ve always been braver but then you started dating that girl, then the other one. And maybe I was just stupid, maybe I was wrong,” you sighed, gazing to the side to catch Steve’s eye, a warmth blooming over your entire body, embarrassment, adrenaline and the feeling that you were throwing yourself off a cliff surging over you. “But there was a part of me that thought you’d maybe figure out you loved me too.”

You didn’t know what you expected, really. There was such a large part of you that still believed you were only going to ever be friends, that if Steve wanted more, he would've told you by now. That part told you you were imagining things, that sleeping together was nothing more than an experiment, a product of being high and bored with your best friend. It told you to ignore the way you thought he looked at you, the way that sometimes, you were so sure his touch lingered for longer than it needed to. 

But then there was a voice in the back of your head, a shit, it sounded a little like Robin’s and it told you that the boy before you would do anything for you, anything you asked. And wasn’t that why he was here now? It told you that friends didn’t look at each other like that, that friends didn’t have to untangle themselves from each other's arms each morning, that friends didn’t kiss like you had both done. 

Steve whispered your name then, a hand reaching out to catch yours. 

“You know I love you,” he whispered, voice a little shocked, a little awed. He sounded broken too, like he didn’t know what he was supposed to say, like he was terrified of saying the wrong thing. “I’ve always loved you, you’re my best friend.”

Your heart fell. 

“I- I don’t wanna lose you,” Steve said and he was rambling, falling over his words as his eyes searched your face for something he wasn’t going to find. The softness you’d held in your features was gone. “Babe, you’re my best friend, I can’t lose you-”

“Don’t call me that,” you choked out, your heart racing, your stomach twisting. You thought you might be sick. “Fuck, shit, take me home.”

You pulled your hand away from where the boy held it, your demand sounding harsh and too loud in the quiet of the car. You couldn’t look at him. The red light was still flashing, flickering and it suddenly felt like it was splitting your head in two, like it was pulsing to the same beat as your heart. 

Steve said your name again, pleading, his hand on your arm, silently begging you to turn, to look at him. 

“Can you let me explain? Please, god, I didn’t mean it like that, you have to understand-”

“Take me home, Steve, please.”

But he ignored you, tugging the keys out of the ignition and leaning forward, a hand tilting at your chin to try and a catch your gaze but your cheeks felt too hot and the burn at your eyes told you that you were going to start crying again and all you could think about was the list of boys who were too scared to make you theirs, too happy with a quick fuck in the back of their shitty cars and you never used to care because you were only ever happy with one boy. 

You knew you should’ve let him talk, that you owed him his chance to speak but the burning sensation of embarrassment and rejection was creeping up your spine like poison and you hated it, you couldn’t stand it. 

You panicked. 

You pulled at the door handle, fingers clumsy as you pushed the door open, clambering out with Steve’s sweater still swamping your frame and you could hear the boy calling your name even after you slammed the door shut. 

You made a start for the alleyway behind the gas station, somewhere the car couldn’t follow and by the time you made it a few streets over, you realised Steve wasn’t coming for you anyway. 

You got halfway home before the rain started falling, a pathetic spit that misted into the air and soaked you through. It made your hair stick to your cheeks, Steve’s sweater damp and hanging heavy on your body and by the time you reached home, it didn’t smell like him anymore. 

Good, you thought. 

Because when you were eight years old, Steve Harrington was the first big to tell you he loved you and then he promised you three things:

One, he’d always be your best friend. Two, he’d always protect you from everything bad and scary. And three, he’d never break your heart. 

It took almost twelve years, but shit, the boy finally broke one of them. 

Take me out, and take me home. 

It took Steve twelve years to break his promise to you, but only four days to fix it. 

Which was impressive really, when he spent the first three days agonising over what to say to you. You’d been avoiding him like the plague, worse than the plague, quite frankly. 

He expected you at work the next day, chest sore from holding his breath as he watched the door, eyes tired from staying up all night.

 He’d stayed in that gas station parking lot for too long after you’d left, eyes wide as he watched you leave, disappearing behind the alleyway almost instantly. 

Steve had slammed his hands on the dash, overwhelmed with everything you’d said, admitted to him, with glassy eyes and he fucking hated how he’d made your bottom lip tremble, your breath hitch and stutter as you tried not to cry. 

He’d panicked. 

And you’d left. 

He’d driven home slowly, trying to catch sight of you on the sidewalks that led home, rolling down the streets that looked unfamiliar to see if you were there, trying to find shortcuts. When the rain had started, he’d cursed, no sight of you anywhere and by the time he’d pulled up outside your house, he was relieved to see your bedroom light on, a sign you’d made it home safely. 

He wanted to knock on the door, to climb into your bedroom window and try to make you smile again, to stop you crying because he couldn’t fucking stand it when you cried, especially because of him. 

But the window was shut, a rare sight and he knew it was a hint, a very obvious clue for him to stay the fuck away. He watched your light flicker off, the house bathed in darkness and he’d sat, pushing the heels of his hands to his eyes and cursing himself. 

He should’ve told you, he shouldn’t have been so fucking scared. 

You didn’t show up at work and when he asked Robin if she’d heard from you, the girl had told him that you were sick, had called in early and spoke to Keith. 

“She’s put in a line for the entire week, actually, said it’s a bad bug,” Robin had told him knowingly. “Whatever you’ve done, Harrington, I suggest you fix it.”

Steve didn’t ask how Robin knew, didn’t press her for any more details, ‘cause he knew her too well, knew she wouldn’t tell him shit so he just slammed a video he was supposed to be rewinding on the desk, and sighed, heavy and tired. 

“I know.”

You didn’t answer his calls. With your parents visiting family out of town, there was no one in the house but you and you made a point of refusing to pick up the phone at all. 

Robin would visit, not bothering to knock as she slipped into your house, huffing and humming to herself as she climbed your stairs, barging into your room unannounced. 

She set a careful gaze on you, a lump underneath the duvet, as she dumped your favourite snacks at the foot of your bed. 

“You’re not sick, are you?” You hated how it didn’t even sound like a question, just an accusation. “You wanna tell me what happened?”

And you did, you told her everything from the joint, to your kiss, the entire night. You told her about Nate, about your confession, about the way Steve looked at you when you told him that you thought he loved you too. 

Robin listened, curled up by your pillows beside you, your head on her shoulder and her cheek resting on yours, a bag of Reece’s Pieces between you both. 

“I know that this probably isn’t what you wanna hear right now,” the girl began, patting your hand with her own, “you know, with you being all heart broken and what not.”

You huffed. 

“But I don’t believe for a second that Steve doesn’t love you, that he isn’t in love with you.”

“Robin, please,” you groaned, shoving your face into her arm, because she was right, you didn’t wanna hear it. You’d spent too long trying to convince yourself that she was right, Steve was in love with you, only to blurt out your feelings for him and have him look at you, sheer panic on his face, in return. 

She sighed, knowing it was useless trying to make you see her side of things, so she pushed her nose to your temple, blew a raspberry to the side of your head and stole another Reece’s Piece. 

“Have you spoken to him?” She asked, voice unusually quiet. 

You shook your head. 

“Have you let him try?” The girl said knowingly. 

You shook your head again. 

Another huff, a somewhat affectionate butt of her head to yours and then she turned, shuffling against the pillows until you were face to face. 

“He’s really broken up about this,” she told you and her words made you wanna cry again. “You need to let him explain.”

You sniffed, eyes watering and despite the ache that still lived in your chest, you nodded. 

“‘Cause I don’t think you said things right, y’know?” Robin squinted at you, trying to make sense of what you’d told her Steve had said that night. “He’s a guy, shit, he’s Steve. Communication isn’t his strong point.”

“I don’t know what’s more clearer than ‘you’re my best friend, I can’t lose you’. Idiot or not, he made it pretty obvious that we’re never gonna be anything more.”

The movie that you had both hardly been watching was over, the screen fading to black and the credits rolling. A love song started to play, soppy and too cheery and you grunted, searching for the remote between the sheets before angrily pressing the off button. Silence fell over you and Robin snorted, flinging herself over your lap and looking up at you with a small smile. 

She pressed a finger to the tip of your nose and you scowled. 

“Ever think that maybe he’s just scared?”

Your frown deepened and you stared down at your friend, lips parted at the absurdity of her question. 

“What?” You scoffed. “I’ve watched him take down a demogorgon with a baseball bat, Robin, the boy isn’t scared of much anymore-”

“He also got his heart broken by the first girl he told he loved,” Robin interrupted. “He dates girls that he isn’t really interested in, that are the complete opposite of you. His folks are never around, he’s made his own family out of his friends.”

You swallowed, throat suddenly feeling thick, your chest tight. 

“You're probably the most constant thing in his life, y’know,” she mused, voice unbearably soft. The girl brought a hand up to tuck a stand of your hair behind your ear, the gesture fond. “He’s always had you, maybe he’s just scared to fuck things up and lose you.”

You couldn’t say anything. You didn't want to. ‘Cause that stupid burn was scratching at your eyes again, at the back of your throat and you were so done with crying, you were so over pushing your face into your pillow to dry your face.

Robin sat up suddenly, stretching and bending down to pull on her shoes. She popped another piece of chocolate in her mouth before smacking a kiss to your cheek and you were still silent, bundled up between pillows and blankets in bed. 

“Talk to him, babe,” she told you, heading for the door without any other goodbye, “ I’m sure he’s got a lot to say.”

Fuck. 

You picked and put down your phone six times before you decided to pull on your shoes and start walking. It didn’t take long to walk from yours to the Harrington’s, but you moved at a snail's pace, playing tightrope along the edge of the sidewalk before you stopped at the corner of Steve’s street, heart suddenly ready to burst from your chest. The sun started to set as you waited, hesitating. The sky turned from blue to lilac, tangerine and peach and the air became still. 

You walked up his front path, hand raised, ready to knock. 

It was a sparkler between your ribs kinda feeling, jump off a cliff kind of feeling, take a shot of tequila kind of feeling, risk fucking everything kind of feeling. 

You’d walked away from the boy, his words stuck in his throat, your name dying on his lips and now you were ready to make it up to him. ‘Cause Steve was right, whatever either of you felt, you couldn’t lose him either. 

The idea of rejection hurt, but not having Steve Harrington in your life hurt even more. 

So you knocked. 

Once, twice, three times, but no one answered. His car was in the drive, no parents to be seen and you took a deep breath before you plucked up the courage to open the door like you normally could. 

Your footsteps echoed in the large hallway and the only sound you could hear came from the backyard, the tinny sound of music playing from outside. You found him there, spread out lazy by the edge of the pool, shirt off, one leg dipped into the water and his hair messy from swimming and the leftover heat from the day. 

 Shadows from the tree branches above fell over him, cutting through the gold light, streaks of pink and rose painting his skin pretty and you stood for just a second, watching through the open patio doors. 

You tugged anxiously at the tagged hem of your shorts, the T-shirt you’d tucked into it suddenly feeling too constricting and you wanted to pull at the collar, you wanted to take off running again, because the sight of him hurt. 

Before you could step out into the last patch of sun, Steve sat up, muscles flexing, pool water swirling and he froze, lips parted and staring at you. 

It had only been four days since you’d last seen him, but it felt like far too much time had passed. You hadn’t gone that long without him in years, not since your parents told you that they were taking you to Utah to spend a summer with your grandparents. They’d cut the trip short by two weeks, aggravated and done with their fifteen year old daughter who didn’t shut up about how much she kissed her best friend. 

Yearly trips to the lake house with the Harrington’s resumed the summer after that. 

The boy whispered your name as if he’d scare you off and he sounded tired, sounded a little broken, just like Robin had said. 

You lifted your hand in an awkward wave, stepping out into the yard and into the streak of sun that stretched across the patio. It warmed you, skin lit up, a golden glow slanting over both of you and even from where you stood, Steve’s eyes looked like honey. 

“Hey.”

He stood, a hand raking through his still damp hair, making it even messier than usual and he mimicked you, hand raised, wingers waggling shyly, as if you hadn’t known each other for seventeen years. 

“I was just coming to see you,” Steve admitted and he sounded as nervous as you felt. “I tried calling you. A lot.”

You nodded, feeling guilty and it burned at your chest. “I know, I’m sorry.”

Steve nodded, bare foot scuffling against the slabs and you wanted to crawl back into your bed, already feeling defeated. It wasn’t supposed to feel like this with Steve. 

“I was gonna come round, you know,” Steve started again, gesturing to you, he looked lost, a little helpless. “Before now I mean… I just- I didn’t wanna upset you and you didn’t answer the phone so I just,” he shrugged, looking at the pool instead of you. “I didn’t wanna upset you any more.”

Almost silence; the trickle of the pool filter, the buzz of insects, the sway of the wind in the tree branches. 

And then, “I’ve missed you,” Steve said, voice softer than before. “A lot.”

You let out the breath you didn’t know you’d been holding then, feet moving forward and you let yourself fall into one of the loungers, a space beside the pool that was so overly familiar. 

You looked at the boy then, and god, he was the last cherry popsicle, he was sunshine, he was summer, he was full of promises and all your secrets, he was late nights and early mornings, first crushes and last kisses. 

“I’ve missed you too,” you told him, voice hurting with sincerity. 

It seemed to be all the boy needed to surge into action, because he relaxed at your admission, moving to the other lounger so he could sit across from you, bare knees almost bumping and he was leaning forward, invading your senses and he smelled like chlorine and sunscreen, mint and cedar and boy and summer and Steve. 

“Why’d you leave?”

“I’m sorry,” you told him, eyes suddenly filling with tears because you were so embarrassed by it all. From your outburst to your storming away, leaving the boy sitting confused after he’d come to get you. “I just- I couldn’t sit there and handle the rejection, I never should have said anything, it was so stupid of me-”

You were stopped by his hand reaching out and covering your own, that familiar warmth of his fingers twisting between yours, a wide, rough palm, calloused on your own. 

You looked at him, cheeks warm with your ramblings and he sighed, affection radiating from him as he gazed at you. He didn’t look confused this time, or panicked. Maybe a little bit scared but there was something else there and it shone a little brighter. 

“Sweetheart, I never once tried to reject you,” Steve huffed out a soft laugh, “shit, I don’t think I could if my life depended on it.”  

“What?” You froze, brows knitting together as you replayed the same conversation you both had in the car and you shook your head, confused. “You literally told me I was your best friend, Steve, that you couldn’t lose me.”

“And that’s true!” He burst out, “you just never let me finish!”

He sighed, using his free hand to scrub over his face and he took a deep breath before he faced you again. 

“I panicked.” He said it so simply, as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. “I’m so sorry babe but I fuckin’ panicked. You don’t know how long I’ve wanted to hear those words from you, you can’t even fucking imagine how long. I just didn’t wanna mess it up, I couldn’t. I couldn’t risk not having you.” 

A sound of surprise left your lips at his words and you wanted to laugh at the irony of them, ‘cause yes, yes could imagine. But you kept quiet, letting the boy speak, making up for how you didn’t last time. You squeezed his hand instead, hoping it was reassuring enough. 

You watched him lick his lips as he thought about his next words and your brows rose when he suddenly moved, kneeling in front of you and tapping at your knee, silently asking for you to spread your legs and let him in. You did, almost embarrassed by the lack of hesitation on your par but Steve moved into the space tour created for him, suddenly too close. 

You exhaled a little slower, could count the new freckles on his nose, could see the small scar that cut through his brow, the one you gave him when you were seven and pillow fights got too boisterous. 

He smoothed his hands up and down your thighs, a touch that brought comfort and he took another deep breath, readying himself for what he wanted to tell you. 

“I’ve been in love with you since we were sixteen,” he said slowly, each word dropping like an atom bomb and you wondered if the earth was shaking. “Maybe longer, I was probably too stupid to work it out before then.”

You let out a disbelieving laugh and Steve grinned at the sound. 

“It took me a little while,” he admitted, gaze lowering as if he were suddenly shy, “I didn’t know the difference between loving you and being in love with you. You’ve been in my life for as long as I can remember.”

His fingers found the frayed hem of your shorts, twisting the strands between his fingers absentmindedly. 

“I remember Nancy telling me that, uh,” he cleared his throat, words catching on his lips with nerves and hesitation, “she uh, told me that I didn’t love her like I thought I did. That I was in love with someone else.”

You inhaled sharply, remembering the girl telling you something similar that day on the bench. You’d been confused and a little irritated at her, defensive maybe, now that you looked back on it. You remembered the way she twisted her lips to hide a grin that she didn’t want to annoy you with, eyes all too knowing. 

“I kinda realised then,” Steve nodded, eyes finding yours from under his lashes and god, you wondered when his face had moved so close to yours. “She was totally right, I just didn’t really wanna admit it.”

“Why not?” You asked, voice a little sad, ‘cause that had been years ago, and you felt overlooked, like so many missed opportunities had passed you both by and god, were the two of you really that stupid?

“I was stupid!” Steve burst out and you laughed, a little sad with watery eyes but shit, you were too. “So I kept dating random girls, anyone, really. Tried to take my mind off you, tried to forget about you in my bed.”

God, the memory made you burn. 

“I didn’t know what to do,” he whispered, still leaning into you, eyes closed like he was at confession. “Asking you out on a date seemed so ridiculous when I already know you better than anyone else.”

Your nose grazed Steve’s, and you let out a small sigh because as much as you were hurt by it all, you understood. You and Steve had seen every movie there was to see, had taken trips out of town to every concert, spent too many evenings at burger joints and ice cream parlours. You probably wouldn’t have guessed you were on a date with the boy unless he was in a tux and there was a chandelier above you. 

And that seemed like a big ask. 

“I would’ve loved to go on a date with you,” you said anyway, cause the idea of Steve pulling up outside your door with flowers in his hand gave you butterflies, tugging at your heart in a way that made you warm. 

“Yeah?” He smiled, blinding and it only widened when you nodded. 

He moved impossibly closer still, cheek to cheek so he could find your ear with his lips, hands moving to your thighs, thumbs rubbing circles on the inside. 

“I spent so long tryin’ to work up the courage to ask you to be my girlfriend,” his admission sounded like his biggest secret yet and you held your breath as he whispered it to you. “So long that years passed and we got older and suddenly the word ‘girlfriend’ didn’t seem enough.”

It was strange, but you knew what Steve meant. The word seemed too arbitrary, too normal, to describe the relationship you had with each other, how you felt about the other. 

“I know,” you told him, voice just as soft and quiet as his. “I’d still like to be yours though.”

His grin was contagious, warmer than the sun that was starting to set, brighter than the rays on the pool and you swore the world was spinning a little faster in excitement, as if the planets and the moon were just as happy as you were. 

“Yeah?” He asked, low and rough, nose pressing to your cheek, lips just brushing yours. 

You nodded, eyes fluttering closed, waiting, wanting.  

“Can we always be this close?” Steve asked, and you melted a little at the question, at that soft sincerity he always managed to give you. 

“Yeah, god, please,” you answered and your voice sounded a little husky, a little pleading because you couldn’t imagine anything else. “Can you kiss me, now?”

The boy swore under his breath, the curse mixing with a huff of laughter and he smiled against you, mouth pressing happy to your cheek and you beamed at him, lashes tickling his skin, both of you warm against the other. 

“Could never really figure out how to say no to you, y’know that?” He whispered, as if he was giving away a secret. Steve let his lips hover over yours, his hands wrapping around the small of your back, fingers playing with your belt loops, pulling you flush with him. Your hands smoothed over his bare chest and around his neck, skin hot with the sun, with being near you. 

“Can I take you on a date?” 

Something bloomed inside of you, wildflowers between your ribs, a new day of summer, a heatwave in your chest. 

“If I say yes, will you kiss me?” you asked, a little bratty, a little teasing. You’d waited so long for both, you didn’t know what you wanted first.

But then Steve was pushing into you, lips pressing down onto your own, his hand along the underside of your jaw as he used his thumb to push a little under your chin, tilting you up to his mouth so he could lick into you, adoration pouring into you. You felt the way he loved you, like the way everyone else saw it. It still felt new, his lips on yours, new in an exciting way, new in a ‘god, I could get used to this’ way.

“Lemme take you on a date,” he said again, a smile on his lips, pressing it to yours and his voice was sunshine but rougher, even warmer and it made you smile that cheek hurting kinda smile.

You nodded. 

“You still my best friend, Harrington?” 

Steve pulled back to look at you, eyes shining. “That and more, sweetheart.” And when he said that, it felt enough. ‘More’.

“You still gonna protect me from everything bad and scary?” You nudged the tip of your nose to his, voice sweet. 

“With everything I have in me,” he answered honestly, pressing a kiss to the corner of your mouth, catching your laughter. “Baseball bath and all.”

“Promise you won’t break my heart?” You asked, forehead to kiss, eyes full of every emotion you felt. Love, excitement, fear, hope, nervousness, adoration. 

“Promise you won’t break mine?” Steve whispered back, a hand on your cheek, thumb grazing over your lip. 

“I promise,” you told him, hands gripping right at his shoulders, running across the nape of his neck, diving into his hair. 

They look at you with their brows furrowed, their attention quickly focusing on you and clearly forgetting that they’re very obviously running from something. You see their questions burning bright in their eyes but you don’t even bother to answer them because you wouldn’t even know how to begin to. You look at each of them slowly before dragging your eyes over to your boyfriend, immediately making contact with him when you do- like he was waiting for it. And there’s a good chance that he was.

Your boyfriend’s eyes are wide with the silent question, the plea, to let them in. He looks anxious, bouncing on his toes, fiddling with his hands, but he doesn’t look away from you and that’s all you need to know that you have to help him. Stepping away from the door, you open it a bit more and step to the side to let the group in. “Down the hall and to the left. Go stand in the kitchen so you don’t dirty the house and I'll get you all towels and clean clothes.”

Four of them all push each other around frantically as they try to get through the door in one mass but eventually they do get enough of a grip to get through it one by one. You watch as they hurry down the hall and turn into the kitchen before turning back to the one who still stands just outside the door. Letting out a sigh, you step out onto the porch and close the door behind you as you do but you make sure to leave it slightly ajar.

“What are you guys running from, JJ?”

Your boyfriend looks up at you and the guilt swimming in his eyes makes you frown a bit. “The cops.”

Groaning, you bring a hand up to pinch the bridge of your nose, “Why?”

“Well, those are the friends of mine you’ve never really met. And like- you know John B, the one that was dead?” JJ pauses and waits for your confirmation. When you nod, he continues, “Well he’s back and not really dead but he’s also on the run because they think he killed the sheriff.”

You nod, “I’ve watched the news, JJ.”

JJ grimaces at your tone, “You believe me though, right? You believe me when I tell you that he didn’t do it?”

“Yeah, JJ, I believe you,” you sigh, moving your hand to rub at the middle of your forehead with your palm. “But why are you here now? Especially since you didn’t want to involve me with any of the stuff you’ve been going through.”

“You know I don't want you involved because I don't want you being hurt or end up being wrapped up in all of it. You deserve more than being stuck in our shit,” JJ states, stepping a little closer.

You shake your head, “I know. That's not why I brought it up. I don't care that I'm not involved, I have my own things to deal with, but I do care when you show up here unannounced with four other people in tow and running from the police. You don’t want me wrapped up in everything but harboring a fugitive is a good way for that to happen.”

JJ shakes his head this time, bringing his arms up to hold your face between his hands, “I won't let anyone find out what you’re doing, okay? We just need to lay low for a bit. Only until they calm down on the police presence and we can figure out where we need to go next.”

“As long as you’re careful and I don't lose you too, JJ, you’re more than welcome to stay here. You are always welcome here.” you smile and he reciprocates, running his thumbs across the apples of your cheeks.

“I'm being as careful as I can. I won't do anything to make you worry about losing me, alright?”

When you nod in agreement, JJ leans in to place a sweet kiss to your lips. One that you greedily push into, wanting more after having not seen him for a few days.

“Make sure they don’t dirty anything though.” you say once you pull away.

JJ nods and grins brightly at you, darting in to place three quick kisses to your lips before bounding through the door. He yells out an ‘I told you!’ just as he turns the corner to the kitchen. Taking in a deep, calming breath to prepare yourself for all the people now in your house, you follow after your boyfriend. Making sure the door is locked behind you, you move around the lower floor of your house to close all blinds and curtains. You have a strong gut feeling that there’s going to be police making neighborhood sweeps here pretty soon and you don’t want to draw attention to your home. Not when your boyfriend is here and you want to keep him safe.

You take your time to gather clothes and towels upstairs, wanting to give yourself time to gather your bearings before dealing with and meeting JJ’s friends for the first time. You know of them, you’ve seen them around the island, they were starting high school when you were a junior; it’s just that your friend groups have always been so wildly different that you’ve all just never met face to face. And even with you having known JJ personally for almost three years now, you still have never really met them.

JJ says it’s because he wants something for himself. That he and his friends share everything, can never have something for just themselves, that they know absolutely everything about one another. You’re the one thing no one knows. The one, single thing he can have for himself and not worry about anyone ruining it for him. You’re apart from his dad- the one person who has ruined everything for him since he was a child. You’re apart from his friends that don’t know how to mind their own business most of the time. You’re apart but you’re with him. And you’re happy to be apart with him if it means he gets to be happy, to have something that won’t get ruined by others. You’ll do anything for him to be happy.

Over the years you’ve been with him you’ve seen him relax, become a less anxious version of the person you’ve known him to be. He thanks you for it almost every day, for being the calm to his chaos. Says you’ve been that for him since the moment you met and you always want to be that person for him. The one person he can always count on to be there for him, to help him escape the shitty things in his life even if it’s only for a little while.

You’ve never been mad at him for not telling his friends about you because you understand it. You understand the need to want to have something for yourself. Something you can cherish in the quiet. To be able to savor something and make it real and strong and unbreakable. The watchful eye of others can make that difficult. You’re happy with JJ and you’re happy with your relationship with him.

Finally entering the kitchen, towels and clothes in hand, JJ immediately turns to you as if sensing your presence. He smiles at you as you hand him a stack of items in your arms, “Show them where they can get changed.”

“Let me introduce you first,” JJ says as he takes the pile of things from you. “This is Pope, Kiara but you can call her Kie, John B, and Sarah.” he points at each respective person and you smile at them, nodding your head in a slight greeting.

They look at you pensively as JJ hands them each a towel and a pair of clothes.

“How do you guys know each other?” John B asks and you can hear the confusion in his tone before you even look back to him. His eyebrows are furrowed and his lips are pursed and he looks like he’s mentally flipping through a rolodex of memories to find one with you in it. You almost laugh because you know he won’t find it. He turns to JJ, “How do you know someone the rest of us don’t?”

JJ shrugs, “I can have a life outside of you guys, you know.”

“Well yeah,” Kie says and she looks the most skeptical of them all. “But like- how long have you known each other? We’re never apart long enough for you to get to know someone else.”

“There's a lot of time we don’t spend together, Kie.” JJ states, wrapping his towel around his shoulders. “And during that time, I made a friend. A good one at that.”

You smile a little at his words, feeling a blush dust your cheeks. JJ looks at you then, sending a wink your way that baffles everyone in the room but you choose to ignore them. You’re about to leave the room and let JJ handle the rest when you catch sight of Sarah.

“Let me get a first aid kit,” you mumble when you take note of the blood on her and the way she’s cradling her side. Feeling the anxiety creep up in you at the thought of her being hurt, you move out of the room before anyone says anything else to you to retrieve the kit you keep stocked up in the bathroom.

She nods gratefully when you return.

You notice that, in your quick absence, the guys have fully changed and that Kie still stands off to the side in her same clothes, working dutifully to dry her hair. Turning to her, you offer her to change elsewhere, “If you want to change in the bathroom, you just continue down the hall you came in and it’ll be the second door on your right.”

Kie nods at you and leaves the room, side-eying Pope as she goes. You have to fight the urge to roll your eyes at them. You get the apprehension. You do. They’re on the run from the police and you’re someone they’ve never met before but you’ve willingly let them into your home, there’s no reason for them to truly doubt you.

“Sit.” you demand once you turn back to Sarah. She looks a little startled but does as she’s told with no hesitation. She limps and groans all the way to the chair you pointed to and sits down, stretching out her leg and leaning back the way you tell her to.

“Do you know how to do this?” she questions, not really looking like she cares about the answer. Her eyes are closed and she’s taking steadying breaths.

“With my eyes closed,” you inform her as you think of all the times you’ve had to clean up and bandage your boyfriend.

You tap the side of her thigh to get her attention and when she opens her eyes you hand her the pain medicine and water you had collected while instructing her how to sit. Once she takes it, you sit beside her and get to work. She flinches when you unbutton her shorts and you’re quick to apologize for not giving her a warning. She winces at the pull of the tape, already on her, and you give her a comforting smile as you try to smooth over the irritated skin. You try as hard as you can to not cause her any discomfort when you have to rub at the dry blood but she hisses at the contact anyway. You can’t help but apologize to her.

“Do you have any food?” JJ breaks the comfortable quiet that was created in the kitchen while everyone watched you work.

“Yeah.”

“Can we like-“

“Yeah.” you cut him off, apologizing quietly to Sarah when you accidentally press down a little too hard on her wound again.

Another pair of footsteps enter the kitchen then, “I hope you don’t mind, I used your shower real quick.” Kie announces.

“I don't.”

Sarah tips her head down to watch you then, your direct tone of voice peaking her interest. For someone who doesn’t really look like they’d be so sharp and to the point, you’re one of the most direct people she’s ever come in contact with. She almost feels bad. You seem so uncomfortable having so many people around you. Your muscles are taut and your movements are sharp. You have a gentle touch but she can see how rigid your body is as you move about cleaning her up. Your eyes don’t stray away from the task at hand but she can see how your attention is on every other movement in the kitchen.

You show absolutely no emotions on your face, keeping yourself neutral as you clean away any sort of blood. When she winces at an antiseptic being pressed to her skin, you’re quick to blow on the skin to cool it down, to take away the edge of the sting. It makes her smile. She can see right through your stoic facade and how much you truly care.

She suspects that it must be because of JJ. That you care about him and that is the reason you’ve let them all into your house to begin with. And they wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for JJ in the first place. It was his idea after all to hide out here, claiming that no one knows you know him and that no one would suspect to look here. It confused Sarah at first because she honestly didn’t believe JJ would know someone that no one else did.

And she’s clearly not the only one who thought so. With John B's comment earlier and with his face contorted in the deepest confusion, he’s definitely thinking the same thing as Sarah. He moves his head sporadically, back and forth back and forth between you and JJ like he’s watching a tennis match. Sarah can tell he’s trying to figure it out. Figure out when JJ would’ve met you and clearly gotten so close with you enough for him to trust you. Close enough for you to open the door, let them hide here, and help them.

Sarah can’t help but notice Kie and Pope though, how apprehensive they both still look. Even with everything you’ve done so far to make sure they’re all going to be okay they still look skeptical, looking at you through narrowed, calculating, eyes. They look around the area and at you with almost judgmental eyes and it makes her frown. You seem like such a nice person. And it seems like they haven’t even realized how relaxed JJ is right now.

For as long as she’s known him, he’s always been one of the most anxiety ridden people she has ever known. Always on edge, jumpy, and always ready to attack. But Sarah sees him now, with his shoulders relaxed and his breathing easier than it normally is. His face looks as close to peaceful as one can be when they’re awake and that means a lot. Especially for JJ, he's not one to be very relaxed at all. Even when he’s in the comfort of his best friends or somewhere safe, his face is always contorted with some level of distress. But not right now. Right now an easiness flows out of him like water running in a stream as he fluidly moves around your kitchen to make sandwiches.

“How can we trust her not to call the cops?” Kie asks, cutting into the idle chatter that’s settled around the room. Sarah frowns at the question, having assumed it was pretty obvious at this point that you were trustworthy enough.

You tense at the question, removing your hands from Sarah and folding them in your lap.

“You can trust her,” JJ responds without a second thought, not even bothering to look up from the sandwich he’s making.

The nonchalant answer from JJ seems to floor Kie, her jaw dropping a little as she looks at him with an expression filled with pure disbelief. “How can you be sure?”

JJ now looks up from the sandwich he’s making and runs his eyes across the room. He frowns when he sees everyone’s expression and Sarah can guess that he thought everyone was doing okay with being here. His eyes linger on you longer than the rest, assessing you, taking in your rigid body and your stoic face. He's slow to drag his eyes away from you to look at Kie. “I trust her.”

That should be a good enough answer for anyone because JJ doesn’t trust people very easily. You of all people know that. It took JJ a long time to be able to trust you with even the most mundane things. But once you proved to him that he could trust you, he opened up like a book and never kept anything from you ever again. He comes to you for everything little, big, thing that happens to him now. You figured his friends would understand how big trust is to JJ and how much it means to him.

“But we don’t even know her!” Kie tries to argue and for someone who just used someone else’s shower without asking she sure does hold a lot of hostility in her tone. It makes you roll your eyes.

You’re getting more and more agitated as time goes on. You’re uncomfortable with the attention you’re receiving and you don’t like being talked about as if you’re not there. You clench your jaw and try your best not to lose your shit on JJ’s friends.

“But I know her.”

“JJ, you know a lot of people.” Pope sighs.

“Yeah, but I know and trust her.” JJ says it like it’s the most obvious thing in the world. And it should be because once again, JJ doesn’t just trust anybody.

“But-“

“Hey look,” you snap in irritation, tossing the first aid kit to the table as you stand. “You can stay in my house all you want, just don’t talk about me as if I'm not here. If you don’t trust me you can leave but also, you’re here in my house, eating my food, wearing my clothes, and using my shower so I'd say you should be able to trust me. I'm helping you and if you have anything to say about it, you can give me my things back and you can leave.”

JJ looks at you, a frown on his face and an apology in his eyes. He takes a step closer to you but you shoot him a warning glare, telling him not to come any closer. You’re far too on edge to accept anything right now.

Kiara lets out a breath, closing her eyes to gain her composure. “You're right. I’m sorry,” she says and opens her eyes to look at you. It looks genuine and you nod at her. “I just haven’t slept properly in the past few days. I’ve witnessed a murder. My parents aren’t happy with me and now I'm running from the police.”

You nod at her again, “Yeah it’s a lot, I get it, but that doesn’t give you the right to disrespect the person who is willingly protecting you from all that.”

Pope shrugs his shoulders at that and speaks for the first time since he’s been here, “It’s not so much disrespect, is it?” His tone is condescending and it makes your eyebrows rise to nearly your hair line.

“Pope,” JJ warns. Kiara sighs his name at the same time.

“No, it’s true. It’s not disrespect, It’s more apprehension than anything.” Pope says as he looks at you. “Look, I'm sure we’re all super grateful you’re letting us in but you have to understand that we’ve been through a lot in the past few months. And a lot of people we thought we could trust, turns out we couldn’t. You seem nice enough but how are we to know?”

“I understand all that you’ve been through recently, JJ has told me everything. I wouldn't let you in in the first place if I didn't believe him.”

“Everything?” John B questions, the furrow in his eyebrows returning. The group looks at one another briefly before there’s five pairs of eyes on you. You can’t help but shift uncomfortably at the attention. “You know about the go- JJ how long have you known her?! You can’t just tell people about this!”

“We've known each other for like three years,” JJ says flippantly as he moves his body to stand in front of you. Shielding your body with his own from the judgmental eyes of his friends. “And I trust her.”

“How have you been able to keep her from meeting us then? If it really has been that long.”

“I mean I do have my own life. I go to work and I'm in school,” you answer, feeling annoyed at the fact they assume you’d just hang around JJ all the time like your life depended on it. You do crave his presence, his touch, the conversation he provides, the comfort he gives, and wish to be with him as much as possible but you both live your own lives and you both understand that.

“And you guys don’t pay as much attention to me as you like to think you do,” JJ adds and the sullen tone he takes on makes your heart clench. You gently press the tips of your fingers into his lower back to give him some comfort. He pushes into the touch. “You guys only start to look for me after you haven’t seen me for a few days or if you’re ready to party and you need me to swipe something for it.”

“That's not true,” Kiara says.

“Yeah, where’d you even come up with that?” Pope asks.

JJ scoffs, “It’s not something I just came up with; it’s something I've noticed. I'm a lot more perceptive than you give me credit for.”

“You’re clearly reading it wrong,” Kiara frowns and she takes a step closer.

“I don't mind it. I’m not saying you guys don't care about me or anything like that,” JJ shrugs, ''I know you guys do and you guys want to make sure I'm alright but I've also noticed this as well. It doesn’t happen all the time but we all get caught up in our own shit and it’s easy to forget. I’m just saying you guys do end up leaving me alone a lot and during that time I was able to meet y/n and get to know her enough to trust her.”

A very uncomfortable silence settles around the room as everyone just kind of looks at one another. JJ’s words seem to have hit them a bit harder than they were expecting them to. Not wanting to be in the middle of anything, you press into JJ’s back for a brief moment before turning around to face Sarah again. She has a sly smile on her lips when you look at her and you can’t help but return it. You know she saw the contact between yourself and JJ, given that she was the only one behind you but you can’t find it in yourself to care. “Do you need me to help you to the bathroom?”

She lets out a sigh, “Please.”

You help her stand, throwing one of her arms around your shoulder and one of yours around her waist to support her. She groans in pain but follows you along easily. You grab the extra towel and set of clothes, left on the counter, as you pass and guide her down the hallway to the bathroom.

“If you'd like to shower, you can. The bandage is water resistant,” you inform, placing the clothes on the counter.

She nods, sitting down on the toilet to catch her breath. “Thank you. And I'm sorry about the others.”

“It's alright, I get it. I'd have a hard time trusting some random ass person if I were in the shit you guys are in.”

Sarah tilts her head from side to side, “Yeah, but you’re not just a random person, are you?”

You let out a breathy chuckle, “No, I guess not.”

“You know, I've never seen JJ look so relaxed. When he’s out with us, he’s always so tense and jumpy like he’s ready to attack. He's not like that here and I wish the others saw that. It was enough for me to trust you.”

Humming, you give her a smile, “I also didn’t shove my fingers into your wound there and make it worse.”

Sarah laughs, her head falling back with it. “True! It feels so good right now. It’s really been bothering me.”

“It was close to getting infected. I hope I was able to stop that process.”

“Well, thank you.” she smiles at you.

“Of course,” you nod, “Everything you could possibly wish for in a shower I have so feel free to use it. There’s lotions, deodorant, toothbrushes and toothpaste, perfumes, all in the cabinets. If you need anything else, I'll be in my room which is upstairs and the third door to the left.”

“Thank you,” she says once again but she’s quick to furrow her brows, “Do you live here alone?”

“Yeah, but my boyfriend is here most of the time.”

Sarah's eyebrows raise in complete amusement, a grin on her lips. you can see the teasing cloud her eyes, “Oh? You have a boyfriend?”

You send a wink her way, “I do.”

“Hmm I won’t tell anyone who it is.”

Teasingly frowning at her, you say “I wouldn't even know who’d you tell them it is. You don’t even know.”

“Right.” she nods, her face serious even though you can see she’s fighting a laugh. “It's not obvious at all.”

Shrugging, you move to leave her alone, “Apparently not, at least to everyone else.”

The door closes with Sarah laughing on the other side of it and you can’t help but let out a giggle at the sound. It's good to hear, especially when you know the trauma she’s been through recently. You only wish to help and you’re glad you were able to make her feel good enough to laugh so carefree.

Wandering back down the hall and to the kitchen, the chatter comes to a stop when you walk in and you have to fight the urge to roll your eyes. You look at JJ, ignoring everyone else there. “Feed yourselves and get their clothes washed. Show them where to sleep and how to work the tv’s.” you look around and make eye contact with everyone else. “You’re welcome to stay here for as long as you need, just please keep things clean. I hate when things are dirty.”

John B nods and gives you a smile, “Thank you.”

“Yeah.” you nod back, looking at JJ again. “If you need me for anything I'll be in my room.”

JJ nods and you can see the concern floating in his features but you just give him a small smile before turning around.

You desperately wish JJ were here by himself so you could wrap yourself around him. Settle into him and relax, maybe take a nap since you haven’t slept so well the past few nights without him here. Give him kisses and have him kiss you without anyone there. You’re not too sure if JJ wants to tell everyone about you yet and you’re not going to be the one to do it yourself if JJ doesn’t want that. You respect his wishes and how he wants to live his life with you in it. He’s the furthest thing from a neglectful boyfriend so you have absolutely no qualms about your status with him.

It takes all of about forty-five minutes before your door is opened and JJ is peeking in. He gives you an excited smile as he closes and locks the door behind him. You can’t help but smile back at him, he looks freshly showered and the soft look in his eyes makes your stomach swoop happily.

“How’d you sneak away?”

JJ is at the foot of your bed now, looking at you with so much adoration it makes you smile. “They fell asleep pretty quick.” you follow him with your eyes as he moves up the bed, crawling over you with his hands on either side of your body. Your legs part automatically to accommodate his body settling in above yours and you cradle his hips between your thighs. “Hello, pretty lady of mine,” he greets.

A blush paints your cheeks and you smile at him as you run your hands up his bare arms to wrap your fingers around his biceps. He lets out a hum at the touch. “Mmm, hi baby,” you whisper.

“I can't believe I've had to go this long without a proper greeting,” he scoffs, a gentle smile on his lips. He leans down to caress your nose with his, breathing in a deep breath and his body relaxing with it. You feel your own body relax, your muscles loosening and becoming less tense with him being so close.

Tipping your head back, you bump your chin against his, “Well then, what are you waiting for?”

JJ doesn’t need to be told twice and he surges forward, bringing your lips together in a bruising kiss. It knocks every ounce of breath out of you and you can’t help the gasp you let out. JJ immediately takes the opportunity of your gasp to shove his tongue into your mouth, taking claim to you in a second flat.

You let out a moan and push into the kiss with everything you have, trying to convey every bit of longing you can into it. Your hands tangle in your boyfriend's beautiful blonde hair and you yank him in closer to you. You’ve missed him so much that you wish you could crawl inside of him just to be closer. And it's such a frenzied kiss, frantic and messy as you both desperately press into one another. You’re out of breath and your chest burns because of it but you don’t feel like pulling away.

JJ is the first one to pull away, letting out a harsh breath as he does. He only takes a second before he’s pressing kisses down your jaw, the side of your neck, to the top of your shoulder. He places a kiss to the juncture of your neck before dropping down and laying his body weight on you. You grunt at the added weight as your chest is still heaving to get back to a normal pace but you take him in anyway. Shifting your hips slightly and bending your knees even more for him to settle comfortably between your legs before wrapping your arms around him.

He lets out a heavy sigh and moves to shove his face into your neck. He takes in steadying breaths, softly running his nose across your skin. You can feel the smile on his face and you can’t help but smile as well; bringing your hand up to the back of his head and playing with the hair at his nape. A content sigh tickles your skin as he tips his nose further into your neck to run over your pulse point. His actions pull your lips down into a frown. He normally only does something like this when he’s upset and seeking comfort to calm himself down.

“You okay?” you question, tilting your head to the side to give him a bit more room.

“Yeah,” he mumbles, “I'm sorry. I'm just tired.”

“What are you apologizing for? Everyone gets tired.”

“But it’s been a few days and I’ve missed you,” he pouts and you know he pouts because you can feel it. It makes you giggle. “And I know you missed me too. You’re hot, baby, like to the touch. You were so ready.” he points out, giggling a bit.

“All you have to do is look at me, you know, and I'll be ready.” you sigh, scratching at the back of his neck.

“That feels so good,” he groans. “You flatter me too much.”

Turning your head, you place a kiss on his temple, “It’s only the truth.”

“What are you doing to me, woman?” he sighs, kissing your neck again before lifting his head to look you in the eye. “Always so sweet.”

You hum, “Just for you.”

He smirks, leaning in to press a gentle kiss to your lips. It’s much more gentle this time around, just a solid press of lips. One that shows affection, shares and expresses love. Your heart swells at the softness of it.

“Yeah, actually you can be so mean.” he laughs against your lips. “Like earlier,” he pulls away slightly to look at you again. The mirth in his eyes making you giggle yourself. “So snippy.”

You roll your eyes dramatically, “They were being annoying.”

JJ laughs again, pressing four sticky sweet kisses to your lips before rolling his body off of yours and landing to your side. You turn your head to face him as he speaks, “I'm sorry. I didn't think they’d be so untrusting of you. I figured trusting you would be enough for them.”

“It's okay.”

“It’s not,” JJ shakes his head. “I tried my best but I think the only one who fully trusts you is Sarah and she might be able to convince John B. I don't know why Kie and Pope are having such troubles.”

“It's okay.”

“But I want you all to get along,” JJ frowns. Your heart clenches a little in your chest at the expression on his face. He looks so tired and vulnerable that you just want to hide him away forever so no one hurts him ever again. “You mean so much to me and they mean so much to me. I can't imagine either of you not in my life. I've always been scared to mesh you together. I'm scared that if you see how we are, how I am when I'm with them, you won’t want to be with me anymore.”

“JJ, baby,” you sigh, turning on your side so it’s easier to look at him. His focus is set on his fingers as he fiddles with a fringe in the blanket he’s laying on. You cover your hand with his, “Hey, look at me.”

It takes a few moments for your boyfriend to look at you and when he does you smile at him, leaning in to press a reassuring kiss to his lips. “Listen to me, mister.” you state, grabbing his chin to make sure he doesn’t look away from you. “I love you, yeah?” JJ nods. “Yeah, I love you. I've known who you are and the things you’ve done for years and I still fell for you. I mean, you’re currently helping your fugitive best friend hide from the police and I didn't even bat an eye at it. Do you really think I don't know how you are?”

JJ lets out a laugh that almost sounds bashful and he tries to duck his head with it but your grip on his chin hinders his movements. You lean in again to place another kiss to his lips, then three more before pulling away enough to speak.

“Need I remind you the stupid shit you’ve done recently, like only in the past six months?” you point out. The things he’s gotten into with his friends and even more so when he was led to believe one was dead. You never once considered leaving him. Instead, you helped him through it. Made sure you were there for him when he needed it. Forced yourself around him, even when he didn’t want you around, just so he wouldn’t lose himself too much.

“No,” JJ sighs, “You don’t need to remind me.”

Running your fingers through his hair, you tug on it affectionately. “Stop doubting yourself, baby. I love you for you, yeah?” When JJ nods again, you smile at him. “So stop doubting me, too.”

“I don't doubt you. I know you love me.”

“Good,” you press a kiss to the tip of his nose, then to his lips, “Because I always will, until you give me a reason not to.”

JJ's eyes start to tear up as he looks at you, his gaze so full with affection and warmth that you nearly tear up along with him. His eyes flicker over your entirety, like he’s trying to memorize every inch of you. He frees his hand from your grasp on it and slides it across your waist, settling in the middle of your back, and pulling you in. He swoops down to kiss you again, hard and heady, filled with a passion no twenty year old should really know. It makes your heart catch in your throat, making it harder for you to breathe, but you reciprocate with fervor.

When JJ pulls away it’s with a gasp. He presses a few more gentle kisses to your mouth before resting his forehead against yours, eyes closed. His hand moves up your back and to your face, using his thumb to trace over your cheekbone as he breathes. His heart is beating wildly under where your hand rests on his chest and you let out a breath at the fact it matches yours. You’re always going to revel in the fact that he reciprocates every feeling you have for him.

“I love you, more than anything,” he whispers, his voice hitching a bit. He dips down and misses your lips, his landing on the corner of your mouth. “I love you.”

The conviction behind his words lets you know he’s not in a very strong headspace right now. He always means the declaration when he says it but there’s times when he says it a bit forcefully, like he’s trying to make you believe it. You do, you always have. He is one of the kindest, most heartfelt people you’ve ever come across. He’s doting and respectful, protective and attentive; anything you could ever ask for in a partner. He makes stupid decisions, sure, but never with you.

You run your hand up his chest, over his shoulder, and down his back to bring him to you. You cradle his head against your chest and his arms wrap tightly around your torso as you stagger your legs with his. You push up against each other as close as possible and just bask in the feeling of being with one another.

JJ’s breathing slows down the longer you push your fingers through his hair, his arms loosening a bit around you as his body relaxes. So, you can’t help but startle a bit when he says, “I didn't tell them you were my girlfriend.”

“You don’t need to.”

JJ hums and the next thing you know a snore escapes him as he finally falls asleep, nestled protectively in your arms.

-

-

-

Tensions are high as everyone flows out of the courtroom, everyone is sending looks towards JJ and all of his friends. People are purposely speaking louder around where they stand, praising the system for working the way that it should and charging John B with the murder. Saying that it was justice served. JJ feels like he’s vibrating, rage flowing through him to a point he can barely see straight. Sarah is crying, and Kie is raging along with him but being way more open about it.

She's yelling at the rich fuckers as they walk by, sending condolences to the Cameron's and apologizing for their family having to go through something like this. They’re brushing her off, looking at her as if she means nothing, as if what she’s saying isn’t true. “He shouldn’t even be in court!” she screams, her voice sounding strained. “You should!” she points at Ward Cameron, “Because you’re a murderer!”

Those surrounding the area start to turn their attention to them, cameras click wildly as reporters take pictures, the police close in on them to surround them. Ward starts to come towards them, a hand raised in a placating manner as he goes for Kie. “I get that you’re upset! I underst-“

“Upse-”

“-he’s got you all fooled!” Ward yells, putting the blame on anyone but him. He's putting on a show and it makes JJ see red. How someone can feel so okay with blatantly lying, blatantly turning down that they’ve murdered someone, he has no idea. John B isn’t the one who has people fooled. It's him.

Kie lunges for him then, yelling the entire time as the police grab her and shove her back. She stumbles in her place but they’ve all been so pushed together that she doesn’t fall. Sarah has stepped in front of her and JJ in front of Sarah his body angled to protect them both. He's yelling now, they’re all yelling now as the officer Shoupe closes in and threatens to arrest them.

Sarah is the one that gets them to turn around, telling them it’s not worth it all while tears flow down her cheeks. JJ is so angry, a profound violence is settling just under his skin and he needs to find a way to get it out before he does something far worse than Ward Cameron could ever do. His heart is beating so harshly in his chest and he can’t breathe. His vision is blurry as he walks a few steps behind his friends.

He can feel his chest caving in, his throat closing up on him and he’s going to start panicking soon if he doesn’t get a grip on it. He’s just so aggravated, so distraught, that he doesn’t know how to even begin to clear his mind. All he can hear is a mantra of the judge telling everyone John B can end up with the death penalty if found guilty. He can’t imagine his best friend, his family, the only brother he’s ever had, dying on a false charge. On something he didn’t even do.

His vision is starting to tunnel, things are starting to sound far away, he’s stumbling over his own feet, and he knows he’s about to lose it. He’s about to tip over the edge.

“Hey!” someone grabs his arms roughly but he flinches at the contact and the touch withdraws. The voice filters through his muddled mind after his brain registers he was even touched. “Hey, JJ.” it calls again and this time he can finally recognize it.

The voice sends a feeling through him like he’s just been drenched with a bucket of ice water. It's such a drastic feeling to go from being so hot to so cold that his knees almost give out on him. The hands wrap around his upper arms and the feeling relaxes him so quickly that his hearing comes back and his heart slows down a bit. The rage inside of him calms down to an incessant buzzing through his veins.

He lets out a gasp and his vision flies up from where it was focused on the ground and he makes eye contact with the most wonderful sight. His beautiful, calm spirited, girlfriend stands directly in front of him, gazing at him with concern as you try to get him to make contact with him. His eyes are still too wild as he frantically looks you over, looks at everything around him, trying to get his brain to come back online and take in his surroundings.

Gasping breaths are still his only form of air intake but it’s not sufficient enough and he’s starting to feel lightheaded. Your hands on his upper arms is the only keeping him from passing out and he’s aware of that. He is trying to focus on the touch, to let it ground him but his mind is still too far in a downward spiral for that to be what pulls him out.

“What are you doing here?” That's Kiara. JJ notices the pitch of her voice, how it still sounds strained and frantic like it did when she was yelling at Ward.

“What do you think I'm doing here?” you respond, not taking your eyes off of him. Your voice sounds sharp as you continue to assess him with your concerned gaze.

JJ can still barely hear you though, can still barely see you even though you’re standing right in front of him. He can see, through his fuzzy vision, that you’re trying to get him to make that contact with you. To focus on you but there’s just too much going on around him for him to be able to succeed. He does know that if he doesn’t get his breathing under control soon he will lose consciousness.

The hands holding him tighten and then he’s suddenly being moved. He stumbles backwards but the grip you have on him is strong, so he doesn’t even come close to falling. His back hits something hard and it knocks a weird breath into him to where he’s stuttering over an inhale.

“Uncurl your hands,” you instruct and even with his brain working in slow motion, he gets himself to do it. You’ve always had that effect on him though, a way to get him to see clarity. You grab at his hands and rest them on your chest, palms flat and his fingertips resting against your collarbones. “You need to breathe.”

He shakes his head frantically from side to side, his only way of being able to inform you he can't. He can’t get his brain to connect to his lungs.

Your hands move up from where you were holding his against your chest, up his arms, and around the sides of his neck. The touch is grounding. It’s something he can focus on and because it’s coming from you, it helps him relax. Your thumbs push into his jaw as you force him to look at you and he’s finally able to hold that contact with you.

“Breathe, JJ,” you demand and it finally registers in his mind that he needs to do it. “You can feel my breathing. Follow it.” Your short, clipped demands sparks something in his brain. It filters through the hazy clouds there and helps to clear them.

“I-“ he chokes out, a harsh stutter shaking his chest.

You shush him, soothing your thumbs across the line of his jaw. “Hey, just focus on breathing right now. Do you feel my breathing?” JJ nods. “Can you feel my chest moving?” JJ nods. “Can you feel the pace in which it’s moving?” JJ nods. “Good, match it. Follow it.”

JJ does as told. He focuses hard on the feeling under his palms, the skin there, the heartbeat, the way your chest is moving. He watches his hands as they move with your chest, with your deep dramatic breaths just for him. Your thumbs are still moving across his jaw and he too focuses on that, the feeling electric against his skin.

Finally, after a few minutes, JJ stops gasping and his breaths turn to shuttering ones that eventually get him one complete breath. He slumps against, what he now realizes is, the tree behind him and finally takes in a deep, steadying breath. It burns his chest to do so but he’s relieved to be able to finally feel like he’s not seconds away from collapsing. Titling his head back against the tree, he closes his eyes and works to get himself under control.

“Are you with me yet?” you question and he’s happy to realize that he can clearly hear your voice now. He nods. “Good.” you say and he can hear the smile set on your face. “I'm sorry.”

He shakes his head, traces your collarbones with his thumbs. It’s a movement that not only calms him but calms you as well. “Sorry? For what?”

JJ’s heart had calmed down from its manic pounding but now it jumps in his chest at the feeling of you moving your hand down chest, his torso, and to his hips where you hold him there. “John B. It's not fair. Especially when you have proof and they just ignore you.” JJ doesn’t respond, just takes a heaving breath to keep calm. If he thinks about everything for too long he’ll go into another spiral and he’s already tired enough with having gone through this one. You squeeze his hips, “I can look into getting a good lawyer.”

JJ opens his eyes immediately, snapping his head down to look at you. He suddenly feels frantic again, his heart beat picking up at the idea. “No. I can't ask you to do that.”

“You didn’t ask.”

“But it’s not your responsibility. I can't have you do that.” JJ rushes, tripping over his own tongue in his haste to turn you down. He would never be able to pay you back and the thought leaves him uneasy. “I wou-“

You cut him off, “A good lawyer would be better for him than the one the district would appoint to him. It would only be beneficial.”

“There's no way I'd ever be able to pay you back for that.”

He's breathing heavily again, his heart rate accelerating to a harsh pace once more, and his vision starts to tunnel. He has to squeeze his eyes shut to keep the world from feeling like it’s swooping under his feet. There’s a painful churning in his stomach and it’s climbing it’s way up his throat.

“Hey, calm down.” you instruct, your hand clasping around the sides of his neck again. “Breathe, baby.”

The term of endearment slices through every bit of rising panic in him and sets out to relax every part of his racing mind. A calm washes through him and he feels even more drained than he did just moments before. He's so tired. His body aches from it and he now feels like he’s seconds away from tears. The burning in his nose builds up quickly and he knows if he were to open his eyes tears would fall before he would even be able to tell his brain no. His jaw hurts so bad from how hard he’s clenching it.

“Hey man, are you good?” Pope’s voice filters through the quiet that had settled between you and JJ as he tried to get his bearings.

He nods.

“What's going on? What’s happening?” Kie asks and she sounds like she’s in as much of a panic as he’s feeling on the inside.

JJ lets out a long breath, “It’s just an anxiety attack, Kie.”

“Just an anxiety attack?!” she asks in disbelief, her voice high pitched. “That's a pretty big deal!”

“I know!” JJ shouts and he feels you jump under his palms. He runs his thumbs over the skin of your chest, to soothe you, as he lets out a sigh, “I know, Kie. But talking about it won’t help anything.”

“Why didn’t we know you had anxiety attacks?”

“It’s not something I just like to broadcast.” he snips and he can’t help but grind his teeth. His jaw clicks achingly under the movement. You push your thumbs into the hinge of his jaw to get him to relax it and after a few strokes, he does. “I've got them under control, okay?”

He still hasn’t opened his eyes but nevertheless, he can feel the very unimpressed look you’re giving him. His anxiety attacks are nowhere near under control, in fact they’re very far from being under control. The absolute smallest things recently can trigger one, it might be mild, but it’ll still be triggered. They exhaust him no matter how big or small they are but he’s working on it, he really truly is. Just so you don’t have to always deal with him losing his shit. But you’ve adapted, have learned how to get him through them, how to have him talk about what is bothering him and what triggered it so he feels lighter afterwards.

“That didn’t look under control! We could’ve been helping you through them!” Kie says and she sounds like she’s pleading. It just makes JJ feel even more anxious. He hates when people worry over him about this, hates the dramatic responses to them. It just makes things worse for him. If they’re panicking, he’s panicking even more.

“Kie,” Sarah cuts in, her voice soft and placating, “I think he has someone who's been helping him through them.”

Kie scoffs and JJ opens his eyes then, frowning at the girl who looks like she’s seconds away from a breakdown herself. “But it’s us! Do you not trust us?”

JJ can’t help but huff in annoyance, his brain going a little haywire at the silly argument Kie is trying to start on the topic just because she’s upset. “It has nothing to do with trust, Kiara. Just drop it.”

She snaps her mouth shut and takes a step back like JJ had slapped her. He lets out a sigh and decides to push past it for now, there’s far more important things to deal with. JJ takes a glance at you, taking in the way you’ve gone a bit rigid and how your eyes have gone distant and he can’t help but frown a little. He knows it’s because you’re trying not to snap on them, trying not to lose the patience and confront them the way he knows you can. To protect him. You’re doing it for his sake, he knows that, because he wants you to be able to get along with his best friends.

“Look,” JJ sighs as he moves his hands up to cup your shoulders. He gives them a quick squeeze, a gesture to let both of you know you’re okay, before he pulls away and steps around you to act as a shield. “y/n has offered to pay for a good lawyer.”

Three mouths pop open in shock and three pairs of eyes shift to look at the figure behind JJ. He feels you step closer to him, your chest grazing his back with the proximity.

“Why would you offer that?” Kie questions, her brow furrowing with slight judgement. JJ bristles at the look. “You don’t even know us.”

“Yeah, but I know JJ.” you say as if the answer was obvious. “As much as it’s hard for you to grasp; I am friends with him, I do care about him, and I have known him for years. I've seen how anxious this situation has made him, and because all of you are just as anxious, it makes JJ even more so. I hate seeing it and if I can help it, I will.”

JJ feels his heart swell in his chest, his previous anxiety at the thought of you helping subsiding a bit with your statement. It still makes him wildly uneasy but he’s willing to listen. He would feel better if it was the last option, something that they would only turn to if there was absolutely nothing else that they could do.

“What if we kidnapped Shoupe? Or like- stormed the jail and broke John B out?” JJ is quick to spit out ideas running through his mind at an incredible pace as your previous offer moves to the back of his mind.

Immediately he is met with multiple voices yelling ‘no’ at him, all tones varying in loudness and disbelief.

“Well why not?”

“Because JJ, that’s literally a horrible idea.” Kie says, her face scrunched up in question. “Where would that ever work out in our favor?”

JJ is absolutely reeling, only seeing a decent outcome to his idea. Getting John B out with no problems, getting away, and hiding out in a place that no one would ever bother to look for them. That way they can live out their lives without anyone ever disrupting them again. Sounds perfect in his book.

“It would be perfect and I think we would be able to get away with it.”

Pope's eyes widen so much they look like they could fall right out of his head, “We would not get away with it! Literally everyone on this island knows what we look like.”

“Then we get disguises!” he shouts, feeling his heart rate pick up again. “We can't just sit around and do nothing when execution is on the line! Our boy is facing death!”

“It is in everyone's best interest if we find a lawyer,” you reason.

“That's not a guarantee for him to live! All that money that you’d spend would be a waste if he’s still found guilty! And I'm sure that he will because nothing ever goes our way!” The panic is rising in JJ again and he feels like he’s about to explode. His eyes burn and his chest is tight. That buzzing in his veins is returning and he longs to punch something, to do something violent to get it to go away. “I can't watch him die!”

“A decent lawyer won’t let him die!” Sarah cuts in, her eyes watering in reaction to JJ's words. “They will be able to get the evidence they need and fight for what is right!”

“She's right,” Pope says, he takes a step closer and rests a hand on JJ’s shoulder. “If we try anything as illegal as what you’re suggesting we could end up in jail longer than John B will ever be when his name is cleared.”

JJ sees red, his mind too clouded with anger to see the logic behind his friend's words, “How can you all put so much trust into someone who only does a decent job because they’re getting paid! It's bullshit. I have to do something!”

“We are going to do something! But it's not storming a jail or kidnapping a police officer,” Kie states, her voice firm. Her eyes are red and watery and she looks highly concerned but she doesn’t back down. “JJ, the lawyer is the best way to go.”

A hand comes down to rest between his shoulder blades and he jerks away from the touch. His skin feels too tight for his body and it aches to the touch. For the first time ever, your touch doesn’t bring him comfort.

“JJ.”

“No.”

He can’t help but start to pace, his arms rising so he can lock his fingers behind his head and try to breathe. It doesn’t help and the pacing just makes his head pound even more, makes the buzzing in there increase. He feels like he’s basically vibrating. There's so much pressure building up in his head he can barely hear again, everything sounds like he’s being submerged in water.

“JJ think about it, think about how breaking someone out of jail could end.” your voice filters through, like a beacon but it's not enough. It just makes him feel angrier.  “It could end up in someone dying, getting hurt, getting arrested. Please, think about that.”

A scream rips itself out of JJ before he even knew it was going to come out and not only does it startle him, but he can see how it startles everyone else around him. They all look at him with a concern that only makes him angrier, makes him feel like he’s going to drown. He's getting scared, scared that this is never going to end and he’s going to be stuck with this rage for the rest of his life. Stuck with the image of his best friend never being in his life again. Finally, he makes eye contact with you and the look on your face nearly makes him stop cold. You look so scared that he doesn’t know how to react. He knows you're not scared of him though, that much he does know, but scared for him.

It's still not enough to clear his head though and that’s such a foreign concept to him because he can normally just look at you and he’ll calm down. He doesn’t know what’s different this time and he fears it's only making the situation worse for him. His source of comfort isn’t working.

“All I can think about is making sure my best friend doesn’t die!” he yells. “The only thing I can see is him being dead!”

“JJ-“

“I need to go,” JJ cuts someone off. He can barely hear who it is, can barely see in front of him.

“JJ.”

He doesn’t spare anyone a glance, just turns away from everyone. “No, I'm leaving. I need to go!”

A hand wraps around his wrist when he makes it a few feet away from the group and he just barely recognizes the touch enough to know not to yank his arm away. He just keeps walking, hoping you’ll catch on that he can’t do this, but you don’t and you tighten your grip on him to pull him to a stop. Taking a deep breath, he closes his eyes to collect a little bit of his anger so he’s sure to not snap at you. Twisting his arm gently, he’s able to pull out of your grasp before turning around to face you. When he meets your eyes, he almost falters, almost crumbles to the ground.

The look in your eye is so intense, one that slices through every feeling clouding the brain. It startles him a bit, not entirely used to seeing that look directed at himself. It’s normally the one you give other people when they’re doing something irritating and you’re the furthest thing from being impressed. He can see the disappointment in your gaze and it almost shatters him. You’re the last person he wants to disappoint but he just can’t help it. He's so angry and he just doesn’t know what to do.

“JJ, don’t you dare go and do something stupid that will get you in more trouble than necessary.”

JJ opens his mouth and he has absolutely no control over what comes out. “You can’t tell me what to do,” he says and he regrets it immediately. The look in your eyes shifts to something vacant and it makes his mouth run dry.

You purse your lips, nodding at him as you take a step back. “Yeah, you’re right.”

“Ba-“

You shake your head, raising a hand to cut him off. “No, I get it. You’re so used to just going and doing something dumb to get your mind off of things. That's fine. Go do it. Sorry for wanting to make sure you don’t get into serious trouble.”

Every single bit of fight leaves JJ in such a rush, his knees wobble under him. He's not sure if he’s ever seen you so emotionless. You’re not one to really express yourself through facial expressions in general but this just seems worse than normal. And it’s because of him.

“I just need to do something!” he argues anyway, his chest heaving with the force in which he says it.

“And we’ve told you the best thing we can do!” you yell back, your frustration finally getting the better of you. “We are adults! We can’t just do things as we please, there are consequences to every action! If you go and storm a jail or break someone out of one, you’ll get into trouble, JJ! A lot of it!”

“Well I'm destined for that lifestyle anyway. I might as well get a start on it early.”

You let out a laugh, one that’s so humorless that you sound like you’re about to lose your mind. He wishes he could just shut up. Listen to what you have to say and not argue it because you’re right. You always are.

“You are not your father and it’s time for you to realize that. Just because that’s how you were raised does not mean that’s how you have to end up.”

“I don't know anything different!” He doesn't know why he’s still trying to argue this. He really doesn’t.

Throwing your hands up, you let out a frustrated sigh. “But you do! JJ, you are the furthest thing from being anything like your dad but you just don’t push yourself to see it! Everyone around you sees it but you don’t. You are a good person with a big heart! You wouldn’t have so many people that love you if you were anything like your dad. I, for one, would never be with you if you were anything like Luke.”

JJ just stands there, feeling like he’s just been pushed off of a cliff or maybe out of a plane. He feels like he’s free falling through the air and that when he lands it’s going to hurt so unbearably bad he won’t ever be able to move again. Your words strike him to his core and he’s aware that it’s because of how true they really are. He's always known he’s had it lucky to be able to be with you, for you being able to see something he can’t see in himself and giving him that chance. You’ve shown him a love and trust he’s never had from anyone else before. You’ve been so unbelievably patient with him and his growth and his mindset. You don’t always agree with him and you don’t always like the things he does. And he’s done a lot of shit and has put you through that shit as well but you’ve always dealt with it. Always found a way to get you both through it. He couldn’t be more grateful for you. You’ve made him a better person even if he does get stuck in his own head time after time.

“We've had this argument before,” you say when he stays quiet for too long. “I can't keep having it.”

“Wait, no.” JJ's voice wavers and the pressure that’s been steadily building up in his head finally starts to present itself as tears. He doesn’t like the sound of this. He shakes his head a bit too rough, “No. What are you saying?”

“What do you think I’m trying to say?”

JJ's lip trembles as he tries to collect a breath so he can say, “That you want to break up with me.”

“Is that what you want?” you challenge.

He’s quick to shake his head, “No!”

You nod pointedly, “Then you need to figure out what’s going on, JJ. I won't sit here and watch you make decisions that will end up with you being hurt or in jail. You’re not that person.”

He hits the ground. He's standing right there in front of you but he’s hit the ground. His chest caves and it suddenly hurts to breathe. The worst nightmare he could ever imagine is coming to fruition right in front of him.

“What if I can't?”

He’s terrified that his mindset will always be this way. That no matter how long he can go in between these certain thoughts, it’ll never completely go away. He has tried so hard to get past these thoughts, these thoughts of him being destined for nothing more than what his dad has been his whole life. He's fought them tooth and nail, can occasionally get them to go completely away but then something comes up and then his anger gets the best of him. And with his anger, comes irrational thoughts, comes thoughts of him being ruined his whole life.

He takes your silence as the worst possible answer.

“Got it.” he whispers and his body is struggling to stay upright. “But wasn’t it just the-“ he cuts himself to clear his throat when the strain there makes it too hard for him to keep speaking. He sniffs, “the other day when you told me you wouldn’t leave me?” His voice is wavering and his chest is tight. The tears building in his eyes again are burning as you become blurry in front of him.

Because he’s watching you as close as he can, he sees when his words hit you, with the way your breath hitches and you swallow hashly. When he meets your eyes, they match his with tears shining bright back at him. “I said,'' you pause, blowing out a breath, ''I said that I wouldn't leave unless you gave me a reason to, JJ.”

JJ clenches his jaw and balls his hands into fists, looking down to your feet when he can’t take the hurt look in your eyes anymore. His heart clenches in his chest but he can’t help the smile that pulls sadly at his lips when he sees the boots you’re wearing, the same boots that he engraved a heart into the top of the right one. The day he did it fills his mind and makes him calm completely down for the first time all day.

“And JJ,” you let out a shaky breath, bring an equally shaky hand up to cover your mouth, and close your eyes. “Purposely doing something that you know is dangerous, and not at all smart, is a really big reason.”

The one thing he’s been afraid of since the day he met you is dangling so close in front of his face. The one thing he’s tried so hard to keep from happening for almost three years. You are walking out of his life and it is his fault.

“I-“

He just has no idea what to say. What can he possibly say to you?

“I'm not going to tell you what to do. I never have and I never will but please just think this through, will you?”

He nods because he’s already thought it through. He already knows he won’t do it. The moment you stopped him, he knew he wouldn’t do it, his mind is just too gone, too far out for him to come back. But you’ve basically pushed him into ice cold water. You’ve brought him back.

“I'm going to go home.” you say when he still can't find his words but he feels a sort of relief fill him at yours. Telling him where you’ll be is something you’ve always done to let him know he was welcome to be there as well. “We both need time to calm down.”

Bowing his head in agreement, he watches as your lip quivers as you try not to break down. You take a small step back and nod at him before turning around to walk to where he presumes you’ve parked your car.

“Wait! Wait, y/n.” he nearly shouts, his voice breaking as he does. You miraculously stop and turn to face him again, there's tears running down your cheeks now. His follow yours. “I love you, yeah? You know that, right? You know that I would do anything to prove that.”

“I know, JJ.” you smile at him and it just makes his tears fall a little bit more quickly. “I love you.”

You leave then and this time he lets you. He watches you until he can’t see you anymore. And when he knows you’re out of hearing range, he lets out a powerful scream. It hurts his throat, his head, and even his chest. A few people walking past turn their heads to look at him but they ignore him. The tears continue to slip down his cheeks but he ignores them just like the people passing ignored him. He stands there for a few moments, trying to gather himself but when he figures he won’t be able to, he storms off because he needs to be somewhere alone. Somewhere he can get it all out without anyone asking any questions.

Sarah watches as he goes, her eyes tearing up again at the distress that is rolling off of JJ in waves. She couldn’t tear her eyes away from you and JJ as you clearly fought with one another. You were too far away for her to hear anything but she could sense it by the looks on your faces, the tenseness of your bodies, the tears. It looked eerily close to a breakup and she hopes, wishes, it wasn’t that. But it didn’t look too good. Especially with how you both walked away.

“Why did that look like a breakup?” Pope asks, his voice laced with confusion.

Sarah really can’t help but think that it was.

“But JJ’s not in a relationship.” Kie says, her brows furrowed. “He would’ve let us know if he was. They are only friends.”

“I don't know, Kie. That looked a little too emotional for them to have only been friends.” Pope points out.

Sarah can’t help but shake her head, completely flabbergasted at how oblivious they are. How she was the one to piece together the relationship baffles her, especially since they’ve been friends with JJ far longer than she’s been.

“No. There's no way he’d be dating her.” Kie scoffs and Sarah almost laughs. Shedoesn’t get why Kie is so upset over meeting you or at the prospect of you dating JJ. “He'd tell us.”

Sarah doesn’t think so.

“Look, it’s none of our business really.” Sarah shrugs, turning away from where she was watching the couple arguing and looking at the other two. “Let’s just head back to the chateau and search for lawyers.”

Kie and Pope hesitate for a few moments before nodding and following Sarah in the direction of where Kie had parked her car. Sarah takes one last look at where you’d been standing and feels her heart clench. She really hopes she hasn't witnessed a breakup.

You and JJ looked so strong.

So in love.

It gave her hope for her own relationship.

She lets out a sigh before getting in the car and they leave the place that ruined a lot of people’s day today.

-

-

-

The bell above the door jingles and you look up from your book to a sight that makes your heart drop to your toes. John B is there in the doorway, slowly closing the door behind him so it doesn’t slam shut like it normally does. He's focused on something in his hand for a moment before he lifts his head to take a look around the room. You stand there wide eyed for a moment, shocked to see him in front of you. But, as the shock wears off, you feel tears quickly start to gather in your eyes.

It's been two days since JJ’s outlandish idea of breaking John B out of jail and you haven’t really heard anything about the boy standing in front of you since. You were rooting for JJ and his ability to eventually think things through. You were hoping he wouldn’t go through with his plan so you wouldn’t have to do the one thing you never want to do. The one thing you’ve never considered, nor planned on doing, until his last stupid idea.

John B's gaze eventually falls on you and his eyes widen when he finally recognizes who he’s looking at. He's quick to smile, a genuine one, and you try your best to reciprocate it. He’s quick to notice something amiss though, his eyebrows furrowing deeply when he makes eye contact with you.

“Are you alright?” he asks.

The question startles you, even though it shouldn’t and the jolt of your body makes a few tears drop down to the apples of your cheeks. You’re quick to wipe them away and smile even more than you had been.

“Yeah!” you chirp, a little too high pitched to be believable. You point to the book, “Just something sad.”

John B looks like he doesn’t believe you but he chooses to let it go and crosses the store to stand on the other side of the counter you’re behind.

“Do you have this book here?” he asks and sets a piece of paper down on the countertop and slides it over.

It takes your brain a few moments to come online and actually move to grab the paper and it takes even longer for your brain to even register you’re looking at words. You feel like you’re moving through mud, like your brain has turned to molasses as it tries to comprehend that JJ really went through with his plan. That you’re really standing here and John B is here with you.

A few more tears drop as you look down at the paper, now in your hands, and try to figure out what the words say. You have to hold back a sob when you realize it’s JJ’s handwriting you’re looking at. So, at least he didn’t get caught.

“Are you sure you’re okay?”

You clear your throat and nod, “Yeah, yeah. Of course! Let me look this up.”

John B goes quiet as you look through the computer system but in your peripheral you can see him twisting around to get a good look at the store. Your mind focuses on his fingertips tapping against the wooden surface of the countertop and it just makes it even more difficult to focus on what you’re doing. The words on the screen swirl in front of you because of your cloudy vision and your fingers shake as you try to type. You keep glancing down at his handwriting on the paper scrap and you just can’t stop thinking about JJ. About how much of an idiot he is. And how much you love that fucking idiot.

“Do you work here alone?” John B questions. You take a quick glance at him to see him staring at you in concern. You know the way you’re acting is a vast difference to how you were when he first met you. “This bookstore is one of the coolest ones I’ve ever been in.”

“Yeah, thanks,” you quip. “But no, I'm just filling in as the other two are having lunch. I own it.”

You can nearly feel the shock rolling off oh John B, “You what?! How old are you?”

You nod, finally being able to focus on something other than JJ messing up in such a colossal way. “I'm twenty-two and yeah, my parents left it for me. Along with the house and all their money.”

“Where are your parents?”

“At least buy me dinner first if you’re going to be asking about my trauma.” you joke.

He lets out a laugh, “Fair enough,” he concedes with a shake to his head, “But you know mine.”

“Well John B, everyone on this island does. It’s been broadcasted on the news plenty of times.” you point out.

“True.” he laughs, “And I’m sure JJ has aired out all my dirty laundry to you.”

That’s true, he has, but you don’t react to the comment and you clear your throat, “We do have the book. Come on, I'll show you.”

John B frowns at your dismissal and follows you through the store, moving through bookshelves and tables like you’ve done a million times since you were a child. He touches things as he passes, nearly knocking a few things down but he’s quick to make sure nothing topples over. It makes something in your chest hurt because JJ has always done the same thing. His need to touch every little thing he passes bothered you at first but eventually you found it to be endearing once you figured out he was only doing it to make sure everything was facing the same way.

“What do you need a book like this for?”

“Pope found out his true lineage and wanted to learn more about it.” he says as he grabs the book from you. “Thanks. How much?

“It's on the house.” you dismiss with a wave of your hand. “Just enjoy it.”

“Wait,” John B blurts when you move past him, in a hurry to get as far away from him as possible. You can feel yourself on the edge of breaking down. The pressure behind your eyes is really trying to push its way through to present itself as tears. He grabs onto your elbow to get you to stop and when you look at his hand first before looking at him, he pulls the hand away. “Uhm, I heard about you wanting to pay for a lawyer.”

You nod, looking around the store. Looking at anything but directly at him, “It was the best option for you.”

John B nods, “I want to say thank you even though I didn't end up needing it.”

You open your mouth to respond, moving your jaw around to release the tension in your throat, so you don’t start crying, but the chime of the bell above the door cuts you off.

“Yo, JB! How long does it take to get a simple bo- oh my god.” you turn to find Pope standing near the front and looking at you with disbelief. “With how much I've seen of you in the past week I find it hard to believe I have never seen you before.”

Just as you’re about to respond, you’re cut off by the door opening once again. The bell chiming signals the arrival of your two employees and you’re so grateful because you’ve got to get out of here. You smile gratefully at them as they move around and go back to whatever they were doing before they left.

You look back to John B, “From the bottom of my heart, I would offer it again in a heartbeat.'' He gives you a nod. “Enjoy your book.”

Your jaw aches at how hard you’re fighting your tears and the pressure building behind your eyes is starting to become unbearable. You have got to get out of here, you’re feeling so unbelievably suffocated.

“Are you girls good for the rest of the day?” you question, voice wobbly, your two employees and when they nod you do the same. “I need to uh-“ you clear your throat when your voice starts to crack. “Uhm, I need to go.”

“Yeah, we’ll be okay.” Charlie, the lead manager, smiles sympathetically at you. She hands you your bag when you get up to the counter.

“Cool. Uh, if you need me, you know to-“

“Yeah, we know.” she smiles again, a knowing look in her eye. “Go.”

“See you tomorrow.”

Charlie nods again and you quickly turn around, throwing the door open in your haste to leave because the tears are starting to form in your eyes. You collide with someone entering as you try to leave.

“I'm so sor-“ you gasp out when you see who has grabbed your arms to make sure you don’t fall over. “JJ.” A tear slips down your cheek then and he follows it with his eyes as it drops off of your chin. He opens his mouth but you let him speak, “I’m leaving.”

You don’t give him the slightest chance to respond or even react before you’re moving away from him, quickly, pushing past him and hurrying down the street. JJ watches you go, watches you walk away from him for the second time in just a few days. His eyes are filled with tears and they burn but he does nothing to really stop them. He’s been in tears for days now, his eyes permanently bloodshot and red-rimmed from it. His friends keep asking but he ignores them.

He turns away from the store and slumps against the wall outside, head hung and shoulders hunched in defeat and he tries to collect his tears so he doesn’t sob out in public.

The four currently inside the store stare out the giant window, watching the scene unfold.  They can see JJ leaning up against the wall and just as John B decides to go check on him, he pushes himself off the wall and starts off in the same direction you went. The four inside watch until they can’t see either of you in the distance anymore.

“That was weird,” John B states.

“Yeah she’s been that way for a couple days now,” Charlie mentions, turning to the computer on the counter. “Super distant and always distracted, looking seconds away from breaking down in tears. I don't know why. She won’t talk about it.”

John B frowns. That's the complete opposite of what you were the first time he met you. You seemed so confident, so put together, brash even. He thinks he’d rather see that. But that’s not what he was even talking about. He was talking about you and JJ. That's also not how you two interacted just a few days ago. Then, you both moved together in almost perfect tandem, an ease flowing between the two of you that made it obvious that you really have known each other as long as you’d been talking about. Today though, it was pretty much the complete opposite.

“I was talking about her and JJ. They weren’t like that when we were at her house last week,” John B says, looking at Pope.

Pope nods, “They got into a really big fight the other day outside of the courthouse. Don’t know about what though,” he shrugs, “they were too far away to hear anything but it looked intense. They both walked away crying.”

“Well, that makes sense,” Janis, the other employee, mumbles. Two pairs of eyes land on her and they’re filled with confusion. “We personally think they’re dating. And like- don’t handle being away from each other very well.”

“Yeah,” Charlie agrees, not even bothering to look up from the computer. “She only really gets like this when we find out they had a fight or something. It doesn’t happen very often. Like, I think the last time she was like this was after JJ got arrested last year.”

“What makes you think they’re dating?” Pope asks. “Because I think the same.”

“Oh goodness,” Janis sighs, “They’re like two peas in a pod, soulmates, best friends; you name it. They’re inseparable when they’re together. The way they look at each other when they think no one is watching? Like they hung the moon for each other. It's disgustingly cute.”

“JJ would tell us that though,” John B points out, turning to look at Pope.

Pope nods, “Yeah, Kie says the same thing but you didn’t see the argument. The way they looked and looked at each other? It wasn’t just an argument between friends.”

John B hums, not really knowing how to take the newfound information. He guesses it makes sense though, with how quick you were to let them in the other day and how JJ was so relaxed while they were there. John B is sure he hasn’t seen his best friend so relaxed since they were little kids. It was a sight and it confused him a lot but with this idea placed in his head, it makes sense.

They leave then, letting the two girls do their work. John B thanks them again for the book even though they had no idea about it in the first place. Pope looks over to John B and he can see the questions burning bright in his eyes but he wouldn’t even know how to begin to answer them. He knows they’re both wondering about JJ and if he’s okay and if you’re okay. But if they didn’t know about it before then there’s most likely a reason so they leave it alone. They just go back to the chateau, excited to read the book.

On the beach, you’re sitting there in the sand, just close enough to the water that it grazes your toes every once in a while. The sun is hovering over the horizon, casting a wonderful mix of pink and orange into the sky that reflects off the water. It's a breathtaking sight and it only makes the tears continue to flow down your cheeks. You’re not outwardly sobbing but the tears are a steady flow and you hiccup every few seconds because you can’t breathe very well.

The wind blows through your hair and it sends a wave of goosebumps over the skin that’s exposed. You ignore it though, can barely feel the chill of the air because you’re just feeling entirely numb. Chest is aching as you can’t stop thinking about JJ and how he chose to do something so stupid. To risk so much in his life for something that had a much more reasonable solution.

Something soft drops down around your bare shoulders and you startle at the feeling of it before the familiar scent of it makes its way to your nose. Despite your mind being upset with your boyfriend, your body relaxes into the material and into the familiar hands that are warm on your shoulders. The temperature difference makes you shiver.

“Hey,” JJ whispers, pausing for a moment before continuing, “baby.” The pet name makes you let out a shaky breath, tears pooling over once more when you close your eyes to keep yourself composed. “I, uh, figured I'd find you here.”

You absentmindedly nod your head and turn it away from him when he drops down beside you. You shakily wipe away the trail of tears but you know it’s worthless because you know they’ll be quickly replaced.

“I know you’re upset with me and I know I messed up.” JJ whispers, wringing his fingers in front of him. ”I know that it’s wrong of me to automatically jump into the mindset of a destined fuck up whenever I’m angry or spiraling.” he sighs and hangs his head. “But, I promise you, I am working on it. I try my hardest to not let that be where my mind goes. It’s just that my dad,” he pauses to collect himself and lets out a harsh breath to help fight his tears. “He’s just, he’s ruined me and it’s been ingrained in me by everyone else around me. They always remind me of where I'm from and who I'm from, taunting me with the threat of ending up just like that whenever I do the smallest thing they don’t agree with. They never once tried to help me, or pull me out of it, just always reminded me of what a fuck up I’m going to be because of him.”

You sit there and listen to him, you’ve heard bits of this before and you know how hard it’s been for him, how hard this topic is for him. He speaks with such conviction behind his words though, he wants you to believe him and see that he’s trying. He’s opening up to you even more than he usually does. His voice is  wavering as he fights back tears enough to speak. You turn your head, not to look at him but to see him out of your peripheral vision. He's fidgeting with his fingers, his mouth popping open a bit as he moves his jaw around to help him breathe through the emotion clogging his throat.

“I'm sorry,” you see him nod, “I'm sorry I threw that out there the other day. I knew it was wrong but I said it anyway. l was just so angry and I wasn’t thinking straight.” he shakes his head and shoves his fingers through his hair. “You’re the only person who has ever made me feel like I can be better than how I was raised. The only person that can see that I am truly better than how I was raised” JJ lets out a breath that is close to a sob and roughly wipes at his eyes.

You want so badly to reach out and grab his hand, to comfort him, but you can’t bring yourself to. You need to get through this.

“You’re the only person who has ever seen a good in me that no one else has ever seen and you took a chance with me. And I shouldn't-“ he clenches his jaw, “I shouldn’t have said what I did. I am different from my dad. I am better. I am and I know that most of the time. It’s just when I’m angry, I feel like I’m so much like him that I can’t see anything different. I can’t see what you see when I’m angry and it pushes me into a spiral.”

The tears are coming so fast that you don’t bother to move them. Your nose is so plugged up you can’t breathe at all now unless you open your mouth. You hiccup dramatically as you try to catch your breath.

“You've taught me so much about myself.” JJ smiles briefly. “I don't think I'll ever be able to repay you for it. You’ve made me feel so good, so loved, so happy. Something I had barely known until I met you.” JJ cries, a sob flying out of him so quick it sounds like it got punched out of him. It takes him a few minutes to gather himself enough to continue, “I'd understand it if you didn’t want to be with me anymore. I get it. I do fuck up and I fuck up a lot because I can’t always keep a handle on my mental stability; I understand that it can be a lot to deal with. Especially when you struggle with it yourself.”

JJ turns to look at you but you don’t look at him. You’re crying so hard. These earth shattering cries that hurt your chest, that make your heart feel like it’s crumbling. The waves are blurry in front of you and you use the setting sun to try and ground yourself, to get ahold of yourself but it does little to help. A wind has started to blow across the beach and it makes you shake. You want to focus on all these things but you just can’t, JJ’s words are taking up too much space.

“You really are the most beautiful person I have ever met, have ever known. Your soul was meant for you to be a beautiful person inside and out. They way you’re so ready to love, to help, to care is something that’s always left me amazed.” he says and you have to close your eyes against the onslaught of tears. “I'm so grateful for all the time you’ve given me, it’s more than I could’ve ever imagined. I'm always going to love you.”

The pressure in your chest hurts, your heart aching, your lungs as well, as you fight your breathing. Everything just hurts so bad. You feel like everything is falling apart around you and you’re sure this is the worst thing to happen to you since everything that’s happened with your parents.

You pull your legs up and wrap your arms around them, to rest your forehead on your knees. It muffles the sounds of your cries but just barely. You rock your head side to side slightly to try and help yourself calm down and it just doesn’t work. It only takes a moment before a comforting hand settles on your back. It gradually moves up and down your spine, spreading a warmth through you that only spurs on the crying. You hate that it’s so familiar. Hate that your body reacts to it in such a way. That you lean into it and melt under it the way you’ve always done.

“Please, just tell me,” you eventually choke out, gasping in a stuttering breath. You just need to know. You need to know the one thing he failed to mention. “I need to know that you didn’t actually go through with breaking John B out.”

The hand JJ has on your back stops and you let out a stuttering breath because of it because there’s no way. You’ve got to be dreaming right now, there’s no way he just said all those beautiful words to you only for him to go and ruin it all by doing the one thing that could end it all. End everything you’ve built with him.

“No.” he says, “I almost did though, got my cousin on board and got all the way to the jail to tell John B the plan. But just as I was getting ready to say something about it- the little voice in the back of my head that must have been yours, I spit out the lawyer thing instead.”

You feel your entire body deflate at the words, a calm rushing through your veins for the first time in days as you take in the fact he really didn’t do it. You have been so worried he wouldn’t see the stupidity behind his idea and he’d go through with it. Go through with something that would inevitably have gotten him taken away from you.

“It was a stupid idea. It really was and it only would’ve ended badly. Would’ve gotten myself into so much trouble and left you behind because of it. I couldn't live with the idea of that nor actually do something that could make it a reality.”

“You’re not lying to me, are you?” you can’t help but question, strictly because he was so dead set on his plan. “John B is out and the last I knew was that he was set to go for trial for the death penalty.”

JJ moves his hand up your back to wrap it around the back of your neck. “Look at me, please.” When you don’t, he gently squeezes your neck, “Please, look at me. I won't answer your question until you do.”

It takes you a few moments to do so, to work up to look into the eyes that make you feel like you’re floating peacefully out in the ocean. You take a few more breaths, trying to calm the stuttering of your chest every time you do take a breath. JJ gives you a few more comforting squeezes to your neck and patiently waits for you to collect yourself.

You decide to turn to him first, keeping your eyes closed as you do. JJ is quick to frame your face between his hands when you do, his thumbs cleaning up any and every tear that still falls from your eyes. After a few moments of silence between the two of you, you feel JJ start to move, his body coming in closer to yours until he’s pressing a kiss to your forehead. He lets out a shaky exhale against the skin there as he keeps his lips pressed against you. It's calming. It makes your heart beat slow down and gives you the courage to open your eyes.

“Okay,” you whisper, nodding as much as you can with how tight he’s holding onto you.

JJ pulls back but only far enough to comfortably look into your eyes. He looks tired, the normally vibrant eyes of his are dull and accompanied with deep, dark, bags under his eyes. They’re bloodshot, red rimmed, and so puffy. You can’t help but frown at how much this has clearly affected him.

He swipes his thumbs along the waterline of your eyes, “I am not lying to you, I promise.” His tone is so sure, so earnest, that there’s no way he could ever fake that kind of emotion. The truth shines bright in his eyes, his contact with you unwavering as he says  “I haven't lied to you once before and I don't plan on starting now.” And that’s the truth. He's never told you any sort of lie, always truthful about anything that you ask him. Most of the time he’ll come to you to tell you something before you ever think about asking.

“How'd he get out?”

“Shoupe came through. He believed us and found out about Rafe being the one to kill Peterkin.” JJ explains, his voice barely above a whisper.

You flick your eyes around his face, searching for any fault in his words, in his expression but you can’t find any. He's looking at you with open, vulnerable eyes, showing you and giving you everything you want and need.

“I believe you.”

Relief visibly washes over JJ as you watch his entire body decompress. Every muscle in his body relaxes, falling completely limp as he slumps over beside you. His hands drop from your face and his eyes close, his face going slack as he lets out a long shaky breath. Tears make their way down his face and they drip off his chin when he tips his head back to the sky. He sits there and just breathes, breathes evenly, as the tension keeps rolling out of his body like waves.

“But JJ, I meant what I said. I can't keep watching you do this same thing over and over again.” you assert.

JJ nods frantically, “I know. I know, I'm going to try.” His head is still tipped back but his words reach you as if he were staring right at you. “I can’t lose you. And I can’t lose you because of some stupid shit my dad put in my head.” He brings his head down to look at you, “These past few days have been absolute hell. I honestly don’t think I’d ever be able to get over it if I never got to be with you again.”

You take a moment to look at him, to take in how vulnerable he looks. The guard he holds up when normally around others is nowhere in sight as he opens himself up for you. His eyes are clear and that earlier dullness has seemed to lift a little, making him seem more present in the moment. He lets you watch him and in return he watches you. His face looks more relaxed than it did earlier and he looks his age now. Not like someone who’s taken on the strain of someone much, much, older. You haven’t seen him look so young in a very long time and it makes your heart flutter in your chest. The last little traces of sunlight makes his skin glow, makes it look softer; highlights the lines of his face. His hair is disheveled from the wind, it’s sticking up wildly in a bunch of different directions and you yearn to run your fingers through it to get it to swoop back into place.

He is one of the most wonderful people you’ve ever met. One of the most beautiful as well. His mind, while a little scattered, is strong and always open to listen, to try new things. His heart is big, caring, and beats for the people around him. He would do absolutely anything for the people he loves, no matter how much they’ve hurt him. He's kind and friendly, always ready to be there for someone when they need it. He's protective and attentive to everything you’ve ever needed. He's put his whole body, mind, and soul into this relationship and you love him endlessly for it.

The tears build up in your eyes once more as you think back on your relationship and how much you’ve been through together. He's been there for you through everything life has thrown at you recently, ready with comfort in any form you’d take. Even when he would be going through his own things, he didn’t care, he’d drop it all to be with you. The thought of not having him here with you makes you ache, physically ache, and it’s not something you want to experience outside of your thoughts.

The past few days have been absolutely exhausting. Like every last bit of life has been sucked out of you at just the thought of ending things with JJ. You’ve intertwined with him so much, have woven yourselves around each other so deeply that if you were to leave or he you, you would have a JJ shaped hole in your soul.

“I love you, JJ, so much.” you whisper. “The thought of not being with you anymore hurts me more than you would ever imagine.”

JJ's breath hitches, his eyes watering in an instant but he doesn’t dare look away from you. He sets his jaw and looks like he’s about to brace himself for bad news when you continue to speak. You frown at him.

“i just,” you blow a breath out, wipe at your eyes, “Is it healthy, JJ? To feel such soul crushing pain at just the thought of not being with you.”

“I don't care,” he panics, darting his hands out to grip yours. He squeezes them so tight, as if he’s afraid you’re going to vanish right before his eyes. “We’re in a healthy relationship and that’s what’s important, you know? We always have an open line of communication, we don’t hide things from one another, we talk about what’s bothering us, we can just look at each other and know what we’re thinking. We try new things together and we let each other like different things. We give each other space when we need it, and we listen to each other about our wants and needs. We always find a way to work through our problems. We trust and protect each other.” JJ speaks in a frenzied tone, like if he doesn’t speak fast enough he won’t get the chance to finish. He keeps a tight hold on your hands, not once letting the grip waver.

You drop your gaze from his eyes, not being able to handle watching him cry any longer, and focus on your now entwined hands. JJ soothes his thumbs over the backs of your hands and you smile at the sight.

Physical touch has always been, surprisingly, big for JJ; always seeking out your touch to bring him comfort. He has to be touching you at almost all times, a hand in yours, on your back, thigh, arm, anywhere that he can reach. You happily reciprocate, giving him your touch as well, simple, soothing, soft, tender touches to show him those types of touches are meant for him too. You crave his touch just as much as he craves yours and it never fails to light a fire inside of you. He's just so warm and every caress is so enticing that you’re more than happy to match his physical touch. It truly does surprise you though because with all you know about his dad, you figured that it’d be at the bottom of his list of love languages but it’s up at the very top. And you’ll always be delighted to indulge him.

“And don’t even get me started on the connection we have when we’re you know-” JJ pauses dramatically enough for you to look up at him, “-you know, connected.” he grins, raises his eyebrows up at you suggestively.

You can’t help but snort, letting out a laugh that tips your head back with the force. Your heart swells happily in your chest and a rush flows through your veins at his implications. You know just how good that connection is between the two of you. Absolutely wonderful is what it is.

“We’re like professionals, baby,” JJ giggles, pulling on your hands enough to yank you forward so your forehead rests against the middle of his chest. You can feel his heartbeat. “The way you make me feel, so safe, so loved, so satisfied,” you can hear the teasing smile as he says the word. You blush. “I couldn't ever imagine giving myself like that to someone else. You’ve ruined me for anyone else.”

You’re smiling so big your cheeks hurt. Your chest feels lighter even though tears still trickle down your cheeks. JJ has always had a knack for making you laugh in a serious situation. Has always known the perfect time to slide something inappropriate in (pun intended) to make you feel better. You let out a laugh at your own thoughts and tell JJ it when he questions you. And you’re positive you both look a sight; crying but huddled together in a fit of laughter.

After a few moments of borderline delusional laughter, you’re settled back down but now you’re resting almost completely in JJ’s lap. His legs are outstretched on either side of you and yours are crossed, thighs resting atop his. Your arms are wrapped securely around one another as you both try and regulate your breathing but yours is still coming out in harsh stutters like you’re fighting the urge to cry. And you suppose you are with the tingling in your nose still present.

JJ is running his hands across the expanse of your back in soothing circles, shushing you every few seconds with kisses to your temple. He eventually moves to shove his face into the crook of your neck, taking in a long breath when he does and you know it’s because he’s trying to comfort himself. He does it a few more times, takes in steadying breaths with his nose brushing over the pulse point in your neck, before just resting his forehead there instead. Your hands bunch up in the fabric of his t-shirt and you hold him against you, seeking out the comfort of him.

“I'm scared,” you confess once the quiet that settles feels too heavy.

JJ’s hands pause on your back, you feel his heart skip a beat under your forehead, and you hear his breath hitch. “Of what?”

You push into his chest, seeking out the beating of his heart to ground you. To let you know he’s right there with you. Right now. “Of losing you.”

“You can’t lo-“

“No JJ,” you cut him off, shaking your head, and his heartbeat stutters, “Our lives coincide with each other so much that if you weren’t with me anymore, there’d be a gaping hole in my life, in my soul. That scares me. It terrifies me that I've entwined my life with you so much.”

JJ’s breathing falters. A heavy breath fans out over your exposed collarbones.

“I know that we have a healthy relationship, I know that. I know that we’re nearly perfectly balanced in every aspect of it but-“

“No, no buts. please.” JJ pleads and your heart clenches at the tone of desperation in his voice.

“But,” you continue, fisting his shirt even harder, “the last few days have exhausted me so much I've barely slept. And that scares me, JJ. I rely on having you with me so much.”

“But isn’t that what a relationship is when you’re genuinely in love with the person?” JJ questions, pulling away from the crook of your neck. He takes your face in his hands again and pulls you away from his chest so he can look at you. “We’re meant to spend time with one another, to rely on each other.”

The look in his eyes is hopeful, behind his tears, and it makes him look so beyond vulnerable you don’t know how to take it. JJ and his emotions have always been a little out of tune especially when expressing them and so when you see them, it always takes you aback. He's looking at you and you know he wants you to agree with him, to validate him, on what he’s saying and just move on from this, to come out stronger on the other side like you always have. But you’re just so rattled that you don’t know if you can tell him that you agree even though you do. You agree with him so much.

You decide to skip over what he had said and continue like it never happened.

“I've lost so much in my life, JJ, everything I've ever loved is just not here anymore. You’re one of the only people left that I have and I truly don’t want to lose you.” you bring your hands up to wrap them around his wrists to keep his hands on your face. “It scares me and I know I keep saying it but there’s this panic inside of me that just hasn’t simmered down since the other day because of your idiotic idea. You weren’t listening, you were so adamant about it, and all I saw was you getting taken from me just like everything else.” you’re crying again, downright sobbing through your words. It’s getting hard to breathe and the panic that’s been settled under your skin for days is making its way out.

JJ’s cries are almost as intense as yours and you can see the guilt floating around in his eyes as he looks at you and tries to get you to calm down. He’s wiping tears away as they fall with his thumbs, with his lips but it’s pointless; your tears are falling too quick. Your chest feels like it’s about to cave in and you’re getting too hot, your skin starting to feel like it’s on fire. It's overwhelming and JJ's ever electrifying presence is too close to help.

In a swift movement, you’ve yanked yourself away and you stand up. You’re unsteady on your legs as they wobble under you and you probably would’ve ended up back on the ground if JJ hadn’t followed you up so quickly and slid his hands across your waist.

“You scared me, JJ.” you confess, nearly shouting with how uneven your breathing is at the moment.

JJ stumbles away from you like you slapped him, a sob falling out of him so harshly that he bends at the waist and grips at his chest like he’d been stabbed. It hurts your entire body to watch and be the reason for eliciting one of his anxiety attacks but you realize your words are the truth. It’s the reason you’ve been so soul crushingly hurt, you realize. JJ; the one person who has never scared you, has proven time and time again that you can trust him, scared the living shit out of you.

“I-“ he gasps, tilting his head to look at you and the sight makes you cry even more. He looks absolutely wrecked, like his world just got yanked out from under his feet. “I never-“ he tries again but just gasps and frantically shakes his head.

“I'm sorry,” you cry.

He just continues to shake his head, mumbling a course of no’s at you like it’s the only word in his vocabulary.

“You scared me,” you say again, shuddering over every word, “And I know you didn’t mean to, okay? Okay, I know that. I know you were just upset and you didn’t mean to do it intentionally.”

JJ looks at you, his eyes filled with so much sorrow, guilt, pain, and unadulterated love, that you have to clench your own eyes to at least try to stop the tears. You hold your breath, to try and get the sobs under control but it only forces a whimper through your lips before a stuttering sob escapes.

“Baby,” JJ whimpers, a shuddering breath of his own expelling out of him. “Baby, I'm so sorry. I'm sorry. I nev- I never wanted that to happen. I've tried so hard to make sure I never do that. I'm so sorry. Please, please believe me when I tell you how sorry I am. You’re the most precious thing ever, I've never wanted to hurt you like this. To put you through this.”

You just nod. You know that. You know that more than you know anything else in this world. JJ has never had any malicious intent with you.

“I believe you JJ, I do. I trust you.” you say, opening your eyes to look at him again and you let out another cry when you make eye contact. He looks so sad. “I just- I think I just need a few more days to let it settle. I need to get past this, to get past the fact you didn’t do anything to actually jeopardize our relationship. I've had it set in my brain that you did it and I've been playing over the ending in my head so much that it’s all I can see right now. I just need to get it out of my head, okay.”

“Anything,” JJ nods, “anything you need to come back to me and trust me again.”

You step up to him and grab his face between your hands, “I never stopped trusting you, alright? Never.”

JJ sucks in a breath, his chin quivering. He brings his hands up to cup your face and tilts your heads together so your foreheads touch. Your shaky breaths mingle as you both just stand there, eyes closed, noses touching. A calm spreads through you then, your blood settling in your veins and warming your body up to a respectable temperature. Your heart settles and your stomach stops it’s drastic swooping.

“I love you, yeah?”

“I know.” you smile, hiccuping through a breath. “But, I’m going to go home.”

He smiles painfully at you but nods anyway. “I'll see you in a few days?”

You nod, “You will.”

“Good,” JJ grins.

He lets you go and bends down to wrap his hoodie around your shoulders again and he slightly pushes you away once it’s secure. You get precisely three steps away before you turn back to your boyfriend, “I love you.”

Even though he looks worse for wear, he smiles brightly at you, like he’s not crying, like tears aren’t heavily falling down his cheeks. You know you’re in the same boat though and it only gets worse the further you get from him. And you know it only hurts so bad because you’re leaving your soul right there on that beach for the time being.

-

-

-

“JJ,” you breathe out, pulling a little on his hair to get his attention. It doesn’t work, he just lets out a long groan instead. “JJ!”

He hums in acknowledgment but doesn’t stop his descent on your neck, his lips pressed firmly to the skin there. When he reaches his favorite spot, the pulse point in your neck, he presses an open mouthed kiss to it, bites it gently, before sucking harshly. Your knees buckle at the pleasure that races through you and a moan rips through you at full force. You pull on his hair and the vibrations of his own moan against your skin sends a shock wave down your spine. You feel like absolute jelly under his touch.

You’re positive you’re about to slip down the wall you’re pushed up against but JJ crowds you even more. Pressing you further into the wall behind you, he shoves a thigh between yours and grips tight at your hips, causing the material of your shirt to bunch up in his hands. You let out a moan at the contact.

“JJ,” you gasp out and this time he lifts his head and makes eye contact with you. His eyes flicker to your lips the very next second. “JJ you need to go, you’ll be late.”

“Shh,” he whispers, darting forward to place a kiss to your lips. You can tell he meant for it to be chaste but he doesn’t quite accomplish that and melts into you. His lips mush into yours slowly, languidly, like he just needs to feel them. “Shh,” he murmurs again, like he forgot he already shushed you, and barely pulls his lips away from yours. You’re breathing heavily against his lips, mouths open, as you both try desperately to catch your bearings but you’re just feeling so good right now.

“You’re going to be late,” you say again but you’re distracted and your voice trails off wistfully when JJ starts working his way down your jaw again. He's trailing wet kisses all over your skin and it feels like heaven. Like you’re floating through the air.

“Mmm,” JJ hums when he gets to your pulse point again. “You smell so good. And this looks so good,” he says, his voice raspy and wrecked. You feel his fingers trace over the skin of your neck, trace over the mark you know he left behind. “This looks so good on you.” he marvels.

His pupils are so dilated and his breathing is so ragged. His hair is askew, sticking up in every which way. His lips are red and swollen, slick with a combination of your spit, and his, from your languorous kisses. He's an absolute sight for sore eyes and all you want to do is crawl under his skin and stay there. Your hands ache to feel his skin, his breathing, his heartbeat, his soul. And you can’t help but let out a needy whine when your brain finally registers his appearance, completely disheveled and almost completely covered.

JJ’s looking at you again, his gaze set on your face and it’s so heavy you can practically feel it. Your face is set ablaze under it and it makes your chest heave.

“Kiss me,” JJ demands, his tone nearly breathless. You’re in such a deep daze, your mind cloudy with such a hot lust that you don’t know what to do. JJ’s hand is warm where he holds it on the mark he’s left upon your delicate skin. It's so hot everywhere. You might combust. “Kiss me, baby. I'm going to die if you keep looking at me like that and do nothing.”

So you do. You kiss him deeply, roughly, passionately. Pushing into him headily and shoving your tongue into his mouth, desperate to be closer to him. The hungry open-mouthed kisses turn sloppy very quickly, all teeth and heavy breaths as you try to focus, your brain feeling like it’s straight up melting. It’s so overwhelming but you don’t want it to end, truly, just wish you could stay like this forever. You had missed him so much; your soul craving to be with him, your body yearning for his touch, your mind aching for his company. It had only about a week apart from him but it felt like a lifetime.

And it’s like JJ read your thoughts, “I missed you, so much.” he breathes when he pulls away, his chest heaving and his heart breathing rapidly under where you rest your palm against him. He pushes his forehead into yours hard enough that the back of your head hits the wall behind you. “My pretty lady.”

His hands come up to cradle your face and yours slide down his sides until you’re holding onto his hips. You pull him in closer, making his entire body press firmly against your own. You can feel him absolutely everywhere, your every sense filled completely with him. It soothes everything in your body.

“We’ve been together all day,” you point out, your gaze darting to his lips briefly when he runs his tongue over the bottom one. He smirks and you look back into his eyes. He’s watching you with such a fire in his eyes that it knocks the breath out of you. “Like, literally together.” You lean forward so whisper hotly in his ear, “Combined.”

He lets out a groan as his knees buckle slightly under him. He pushes your head back against the wall and forcefully trails his thumbs over the apples of your cheeks and nuzzles his nose against yours. He places a kiss to each corner of your mouth, purposely missing your lips and you tilt up your chin to try and get him to kiss you but he stays just far enough away.

“And?” he questions, pushing his thumbs up and running them across the waterline of your eyes. “I could spend the rest of my life together with you, baby, as one.” he says, voice gruff as he speaks against your lips. They tingle, borderline hurt but you don’t move away from him. You blush. “We’re just so good at it.”

You let out an airy giggle. Yeah. You guys are very good, very good at it.

“Well,” you swallow thickly when his lips tantalizingly graze yours, “They say practice makes perfect.”

JJ grins, “Yeah they do.” and then his lips are on yours again, kissing you languidly once more, the hastiness from before drawn out now as he moves his mouth slowly against you. Pulling back every few seconds just to press back in. Sickeningly sweet grazes of your lips together before a long, hard, kiss that pulls the air right out of your lungs.

Kissing JJ has always been one of your favorite things. He knows how to do it so well. How to convey every ounce of his love for you into every single one and it knocks you on your ass no every single time no matter what. The chaste ones as he’s walking by or after he’s asked you a question, his simple hello and goodbye kisses, the ones he’ll press into your skin when you’re distracted or speaking to someone- that let you know he’s thinking about you, the ones where he pushes in deep and claims every bit of you, the ones he just presses on you to be close. All of them express what he feels for you; the pure, sweet, and unadulterated love he has for you that sends a spark down your spine and over your skin every time.

You melt against the kiss that he’s currently pressing against your lips, the soft brush of his lips sends a shiver through you and when you sigh against him he takes the opportunity to trace his tongue along yours. It’s slow and deep, passionate enough that it curls your toes in your boots. You’re so deep in him that your mind has absolutely no other thought in it but him, his hands, his lips, his scent. You’re so lost in him but there’s no other place you’d rather be, physically or mentally.

“Let's just not go,” JJ mumbles against your lips. “I don't care about it.” he states, dragging his nose across both your cheeks, his tone very distracted. “I only care about you.”

“Your friends will send out a search party if you don’t show up,” you murmur, letting out a content sigh when JJ kisses a spot just below your ear simultaneously with moving the thigh nestled between yours. “You know how much they care about these bonfires.”

“I'll just tell them I'm sick.”

You let out a laugh and push him away from you slightly, not nearly far enough away to really disconnect from him. “We should go, just to be in the atmosphere and the music and the alcohol we don’t have to pay for.”

JJ lets out a whine, running his hands down your face until they rest on each side of your neck. He pushes his thumbs up under your jaw to tilt your head back so you can keep eye contact with him when he takes a step back. He looks at you with hooded eyes and you know for a fact yours are the same, the desire running between the two of you is so so heavy. “I don't think I can be separated from you for that long.”

“Sure you can,” you breathe, squeezing at his hips to pull him flush against you once more.

“And I don’t think you can either,” he smirks, tipping down to press his lips to yours. You whine when he pulls away far too quick for your liking.

His hold on your jaw makes it difficult for you to move your head to kiss him, but then you trail your hands up his back and grab his shoulders to pull him closer- to be able to press a kiss to his lips. And you kiss him happily, humming along with each kiss you press to his lips. “I'll hide from your friends all night so when we’re together they won’t ever assume it’s me.”

JJ hums, a thoughtful look crossing his features as he looks at you, at your lips. He subconsciously licks his own before dropping another kiss to your mouth. “Mmm, that reminds me of our first bonfire together,” he kisses you again, “and everyone kept asking what touron I was with for two whole days,” he kisses you a bit harder now, “because they didn’t know about you.”

Your mind can’t help but think back to that night and the exciting thrill you felt the entire time.

You and JJ had only been together for about six months when the first bonfire of the new year took place. Both of you had still been trying to get used to the transition into dating and keeping it hidden from his friends that it was a little difficult at the time. It didn't hinder anything though. No one really knew that you had even known JJ for almost a year by that point so no one would’ve ever put you two together in the first place. It also helped that you kept to yourself. Noone but people you knew, knew who you were. It was easy for JJ to pretend he’d never seen you before.

“JJ, why aren’t you hooking up with anyone?” Pope had asked, his brows furrowed. “You’re usually all over it by now!”

“Yeah! What’s up with that?” John B asked, and took a drastic swig of his drink. “You got a girlfriend or something?”

“No!” JJ had answered a little too quickly and he cleared his throat. He lifted his hat with one hand and ran the other through his hair nervously. “No, I don't have a girlfriend.”

You almost giggled at him but that would’ve given your hiding spot away. He sounded so indignant and not confident in his answer at all, it should have been very obvious that he was lying. JJ was sitting with his two friends on a log on the edge of the crowd near the tree line of the woods and you were standing almost directly behind them. He hadn’t seen you yet tonight and you were just waiting for the perfect time to show yourself so he can see you and act on it.

“There's some lookers here,” John B shrugged, “You can definitely find someone.”

“Yeah, summer's just started and I've already seen so many attractive people here.” Pope added and took a drink of his beer.

JJ had shrugged and took a long pull from his own drink, “I just haven’t seen anyone tonight that’s really caught my eye.”

John B and Pope look at JJ like he’d grown another head, “Are you feeling alright?” they teased and John B jokingly pressed the back of his hand to his best friend's forehead.

Feeling like that was the perfect time, you had stumbled, like someone had pushed into you, and fell against JJ’s back just as he was swatting his best friend's hand away.

“Oh, I am so sorry!” you had gasped and made eye contact with JJ just long enough for him to see the mirth in your eyes. You had seen him smile just before you turned around.

“Who was that?” you’d heard Pope ask as you made it a few steps away.

“I’ve never seen her,” John B said the same time that JJ said, “I don't know but I'd like to find out.”

John B and Pope had let out cheers and clapped JJ on the back claiming that their boy was back but JJ wasn’t listening, he couldn’t look away from the last spot he had seen you. The two of you had already come up with a place to meet and he was quick to leave his friends behind once he had set eyes on you, once he knew you were there. They had said nothing to him about leaving, just had continued on with their conversation and beer.

“Hey, stranger,” JJ had whispered into your ear as he walked up behind you and grabbed at your hips.

“Mmm,” you hummed and pressed back against him slightly before you turned around. “This is a bit of a presumptuous move for someone you call a stranger.”

JJ dropped his hands from your hips and took a step back, his eyes gleaming under the light of the moon. “My lady, I do apologize for the unsolicited touch.”

You giggled at him, a thrill rushing through your veins at the way he looked at you. It was still so early in your relationship but he looked at you like you were everything, like you were the reason the moon hung in the sky you were standing under. Your hand fell to his chest and rested there.

“I'm going to make your friends think you have luck with the ladies,” you teased.

JJ brought a hand up to his chest in mock offense and his fingers brushed over yours, “Don’t I though?”

You bring your other hand up to your face and tapped this time of the cup you were holding to your chin. “I don't know, do you? I do have a boyfriend.”

An excitement had flickered through JJ’s eyes and dilated his pupils. “Do you now?”

“I do,” you nodded, smiling so big at him. “He's very handsome, really, super tan and his biceps are so big!” you overdramatized, batted your eyelashes. JJ let out a giggle and tipped his head forward to be closer to yours. “He's so nice too, kind, caring, and a great kisser!”

“Sounds like he needs his ass kicked. I could do it if you’d like me to.”

“I don't know,” you hummed, “I'm quite fond of him. I like him a lot, actually.” you mused.

JJ was looking at you with hooded eyes, his face screamed at you that he was turned on and he wasn’t going to be able to control it for much longer. You raised your eyebrows at him, challenged him to take the bait. His fingers found yours again and he was quick to lace your them together with his and pull you flush against him. His other hand had come up to remove the cup from your other and set it down on the log beside you both.

“Careful, you’ll make him jealous,” you murmured, your voice dropping down to a sensual tone as you ran your, now, free hand down his arm. The desire crackled between you as intense as the fire a few feet away.

“Don’t worry, I'm up for the challenge,” he mumbled just before he claimed your lips as his own. He pushed into you hard, not taking any sort of time to warm up into something more. His kiss was needy and desperate as he pushed into your mouth without hesitation. You let him in, let him claim every inch of you he wanted.

In the distance, his group of friends watched on, their jaws dropped as they took in the way JJ kissed you. They watched in almost complete amazement as he shoved his tongue into your mouth and kissed you with such a force it made you lean back. They had not one idea who you were and were under the assumption you were a complete stranger to JJ. And they would never understand how he could get away with kissing a stranger like that. Like they were lovers.

“How does he always manage to get the hottest girls at these things?” John B had asked.

“John B, you have a girlfriend.” Kie stated even though she was also wondering the same thing.

“And he’s right.” Sarah, John B’s girlfriend, said. “That girl is so hot.”

“I've never seen him kiss someone like that though,” Pope spoke up, his head tilted to the side like he was trying to piece information together. “You think that’s his girlfriend?”

There was a collective of everyone saying ‘no’ as everyone said it at the same time. “He would tell us if he had a girlfriend.” Kie had added.

“Yeah,” John B conceded, “Anyway, wanna bet we won’t see him again until tomorrow?”

“Down!”

They actually didn’t see him again until two days later. And when they saw him again they teased him endlessly for it but he still didn’t give way to who you were.

“I'm thoroughly shocked they never found out about us.” you sigh when a kiss to your neck brings you back to the present.

“They like to think they’re observant,” JJ shrugs, “they’re not. And they’re so gullible. I tell them I leave with an out of townie every time there’s a party and they believe it every time.”

“Well you do have a reputation to withhold.” you tease, bringing him in to kiss him again.

JJ smiles and kisses you again, “Not a reputation I’ve cared about since the day we met.”

“Such a softy,” you grin, smiling into the kiss he presses onto your lips once more. And they’re so sweet you can’t help but smile even more, until there’s far too much teeth to kiss properly.

JJ lets out a suffering groan when his phone starts to ring again, the vibration of it dangerously close to the part of your body that is undeniably ready for your boyfriend once more. And he must sense it because he lets it ring out, pushing his thigh further between yours. The smirk he gives you when you feel your eyes get hazy buckles your knees and you pull him down for another steamy kiss. He greedily accepts it using the thumbs he still has on your face, to push into your cheeks and open your mouth to him.

The phone starts ringing again and it’s now irritating you too much so you push JJ away from you, annoyed at the interruption it’s causing you. You shove your hand into his pocket and retrieve the offending object yourself, answering it and shoving it to his ear.

“Hello?” he answers in a huff, breathless and annoyed.

“J- are you okay? Why are you out of breath?” you’re close enough to hear John B on the other end of the line.

“I was in the middle of doing something, man,” JJ says lamely.

“What are you doing? Where are you? We haven’t seen you all day?”

JJ pauses, his mind going blank when you grind into him. He clenches his eyes and when he opens them back up he looks like he’s in a daze. You smirk at him when you hear John B call out his name when it takes too long for JJ to respond.

“Hm? Oh, yeah! I've just been uh, I've been dealing with something today.” JJ says, not sounding convincing in the slightest. You have to stifle a giggle.

“Okay?” John B sounds utterly confused. “Well, where are you now? The kegger has already started.”

“I'll be there in a bit, I got a little caught up with something.” JJ says, looking at you through heavy lids. He drags one of his hands down to your neck so he can press his fingertips into the spot he made on your neck. You nearly drop his phone when he presses into the mark.

“Hurry, man, it seems like it’s going to be a good night.”

“Alright, chill, the suns not even down yet.” JJ laughs and you decide that it’s enough and end the call. “Baby, you’re breathtaking and oh so very distracting.” he murmurs, pressing into the spot again before removing his fingers and dipping down to suck at the mark once more. You do drop his phone this time.

“Oh my god,” you moan out, shoving your hands in his hair and pulling on it. The sensation hurts but it feels so good too and it sends a hot spark down your spine. You bring up your leg and wrap it around his own, pulling him closer to you. “JJ.”

A moan vibrates against your throat and it makes your heart jump in your chest and your skin feel like it’s on fire. He soothes the sore spot by tracing his tongue over it before placing a kiss to the skin. Goosebumps rise over your arms when he blows air over the marked skin and it causes him to smirk at you. His warm hands smooth down your exposed arms until he reaches your hands where he grabs them and raises them above your head, twining your fingers together to press them into the wall.

Your body flushes with heat, your heart rate increasing as it pounds harshly in your chest and your breath hitches in your throat. JJ presses his body completely against yours, covering every inch of yours with his own. “JJ?” you whisper, tilting your head back to look up at him under your lashes. He nods. “If you don’t let me go, we're not going to end up leaving.”

His body warms up where you can feel his skin against yours, “Maybe that was the plan.”

“JJ, you already said-“ you trail off with a heavy breath when he rolls his hips into yours teasingly, “said you’d be there.”

“Why would I go see my friends when I can just see you?” JJ questions, his voice husky. He moves both of your hands into one of his and trails his free one down to your lower back where he holds you to his body. “You know I'd much rather see you.”

Today has been an intense day for you and JJ, both emotionally and physically. He had shown up at six in the morning, the sun barely rising as he climbed into your bed with you, and wrapped your arms around himself to cuddle into your chest. It had startled you at first, your groggy, sleep deprived mind, barley recognizing him before he pressed a kiss to your chest and held you close to him, his body trembling against yours. He apologized for coming to you when you needed space but he wasn’t doing well and he needed you and you couldn’t turn him down. Not when he was crying and trembling against your body, where yours was warm and his was way too cold to be normal.

It didn’t take long for either of you to end up naked after he got there, realigning with one another both emotionally and physically once again. Coming together easily as if you hadn’t been apart for a little over a week. You both cried and apologized and loved each other so passionately that you fell asleep afterwards, getting the sleep you both so desperately needed. It proceeded to happen three more times with a food break between time two and three; a shower after the third before you fell back to sleep.

JJ hasn’t been able to leave you alone all day, touching you in some way, keeping ahold of you as if you’d disappear if he let go. He followed you into the bathroom to keep whatever conversation you were having going, he kept his arms around your waist while you made something to eat. He crowded you into the shower where he washed your hair and your body slowly; taking the time to run his fingers over every inch of your body. You were happy to reciprocate, to indulge, because you were feeling the same way. If he wasn’t within arms reach of you, you felt like he’d vanish before your very eyes, like he was an illusion.

“JJ, I’m not going anywhere,” you whisper to him, his fingers trailing up the back of your shirt so he can feel your skin.

He looks at you with wide eyes, like he’s shocked you can see past his actions and see the true reason he’s acting the way he is. You can and he knows that you can, which is why he doesn’t deny it, “I'm just- everything still feels so fragile. I'm scared.”

You smile at him, wishing you could touch his face but his grip on your hands is relentless. “We’re okay, JJ. We talked it all out this morning.”

JJ squeezes your wrists with his one hand and moves his other to rest between your shoulder blades. “I just missed you, a lot.”

“I missed you, too. But we can still go to the bonfire, have fun, maybe get drunk and sneak off somewhere to make out,” you grin, wiggling your eyebrows suggestively. “Then we can come back here and do whatever we want.”

“Mmm,” JJ hums, pressing a kiss to your chin, “Fine. Fine.”

You lean forward and kiss him, smiling brightly at him when you pull away. “Good. Now let me go and let's go before the sun sets. We can watch the sunset as we walk!” you exclaim, suddenly excited at the prospect of seeing the sunset.

JJ looks between your eyes and an admiration sets itself in his that makes him look so young and happy, so stress free. “Fuck, baby, I love you.”

You let out a breathless laugh at his sudden declaration, “I love you.”

Pressing one last chaste kiss to your lips, JJ lets your hands go and finally moves away enough for you to step away from the wall he pushed you up against a while ago. He leans down and picks up the discarded flannel, you were about to put on before he pushed you up against said wall, and helps you put it on. Grabbing your hand, he lances his fingers with yours and pulls you out of the house after another kiss.

The walk to the bonfire takes longer than it should, simply because you and JJ couldn’t stop messing around with one another, and so by the time you finally did get there it was already pitch black.

JJ’s phone rang a few times on the way but he ignored it each time, too busy with you; taking pictures of and with you, shoving you playfully as you walk down the middle of the street, stopping every few feet to make out under the setting sun.

“I’ll go get you a drink real quick before I meet up with John B,” JJ sends you a wink as he walks away from you and disappears into the crowd in front of him. He’s quick to return, handing off a drink to you and departing again with a kiss to your cheek and a, “See you later, pretty lady.”

You wander around for a couple hours, mingling with a few friends of yours, with Charlie and Janis as well. Staying just out of sight from the infamous pogues, you watch JJ as he has animated conversations with his friends. It’s nice to watch him interact with them, his childlike glee making your heart swell in your chest. He looks so much better than he had that day on the beach last week and that made you feel a little guilty that you were the reason he had looked that way. But you’re past that now and it wasn’t entirely your fault in the first place.

Eventually you ended up closer to the water, a little bit away from the party where it was quieter, calmer. You felt at peace, quite the opposite of what you were feeling the last time you were sitting under the moonlight looking out at the ocean, and you basked in it. There was a small breeze that made it colder than it was earlier but you didn’t mind, you just tucked yourself further into the oversized flannel of JJ’s you were wearing.

It doesn’t take long for a presence to end up beside you and assuming it’s your boyfriend, you let out a, “Hey, baby.”

“Hey,” the voice that responds is way too high to be your boyfriend and you’re quick to look over. Sarah sits there with a smirk on her face, merriment settling in her eyes.

“Well,” you shrug, resting your cheek on top of your knees to look at her. “You resemble the person I call baby enough, so my greeting remains the same.”

She lets out an airy laugh and mirrors your position, “Mmm, I do resemble your boyfriend which I've always wondered about but never cared enough to find out.”

“To be honest, I don’t think he ever really noticed.”

“He hates the rich too much to really think about it,” Sarah states.

You let out a hum, winking at her, “Not too much.”

Sarah looks at you with a thoughtful expression on her face for a while before recognition flickers in her eyes. She shakes that away though and frowns, “Did you guys break up?”

You shake your head, “No.”

She lets out a deep breath like the thought has been troubling her, “Oh good. I've been worried about it, actually. JJ has looked like he’s been in hell.”

“Yeah, I know.” you frown, sitting up and leaning back on your hands so it’s easier for you to see the moon. “He scared me the day at the courthouse and I needed time to process it. We spent today together though for the first time since that day. Everything is good.”

“How long have you guys been dating?”

“I think a little over two years?” you ponder. “I'm not too sure; our friendship just kind of bled into dating.”

“How’d you guys even meet?” Sarah laughs. “From the outside you guys seem like such an odd pairing.”

“He was running from Rafe,” you shake your head, “He ran right into me and made me drop a bunch of my shit. Had to protect him from Rafe. The big tough JJ hid behind me. Said my outfit made me look scary enough to get Rafe to back off.”

Sarah laughs, her head tipping back as she laughs up at the sky. It's such a lighthearted laugh that it makes you smile, your heart feeling lighter at the sound. “You have always been good at protecting people from Rafe. Remember that one time you pushed him off the end of the dock because he was chasing me with scissors?”

You let out a laugh of your own and bring your head down to look at her, “I do but I’m surprised you do. Why didn’t you say anything when you were all at my house?”

“I didn’t really recognize you the other day but I will never forget how you were my knight in shining armor that night.” she shoves at you and you both fall into a fit of laughter at the memory. “He was so mad but he was so scared of you.” Sarah sighs wistfully. “You guys stopped coming around shortly after that.”

You nodded, “Yeah. I don't know what happened. I think it was a fight but all I know is that my dad did not like your dad at all.”

“That's fair. I don't like him much either right now.”

“Yeah, I heard. I'm sorry.” you frown at her.

“I am too,” she consoles, putting a hand to your knee. You wave her off, dismissing the comment like it’s nothing. “I have John B, though.” She continues with a light smile when she sees it’s clear you’re not going to talk about your parents, even though she looks at you with deep concern. “He makes things better.”

“And I have JJ,” you smile at her and the last little bit of concern that was settled in her eyes fades away.

“When are you going to tell everybody else?”

Shrugging, you bring your gaze back to look at the moon, “Whenever he feels comfortable to do so. He hasn’t had much in his life, especially something for himself, and that’s what I am for him. I'm happy to indulge him, give him something he’s never had before and he cherishes it beyond words.”

“You guys love each other a lot.” It’s not a question.

But you answer it anyway, “Yeah.”

The comfortable silence that settles between you is rudely interrupted when someone shouts so loud it echoes down the beach to where you’re sitting. A scream follows immediately afterwards and you’re on your feet in an instant, quickly turning towards the bonfire. Even from where you’re standing, you can see the crowd forming near the fire and you just know it’s a fight. These things can never go on without something like this happening. You don’t even know why they still happen when everyone just seems to leave super drunk and angry most of the time.

You and Sarah share a look before making your way back to the party, shoving through the throngs of people to get to the commotion to see what’s happening.

“John B!” you hear Sarah shout from beside you but she sounds far away. Your vision has focused on JJ and the blood that spills out of his nose. With every step you take, it just seems like he gets further away with all the people pushing and shoving in front of you. “John B!”

A gasp flies out of you when you watch a fist collide with your boyfriend's face, seemingly out of nowhere, before he even has a chance to block it or move out of the way. He barely lets it faze him though and he’s quick to strike back, throwing his arm out so quick that your jaw drops a little at how forcefully he hits the other person. To be fair, even though it’s definitely not the time, it was very attractive to see. His face is clouded with anger and his chest is heaving and just from that you know this fight has been going on for longer than you knew about.

Eventually you break through to the front of the crowd, Sarah’s hand dropping from yours as she tries to get John B out from under whoever is attacking him. She gets pulled away by someone but you’re not too sure by who because you’re definitely not paying much attention to them. JJ gets punched again and you’re close enough to him to hear the groan he lets out at it but once more, he’s quick to land two more punches to whoever it is he’s fighting and the guy falls to the ground. JJ lets out a huff and goes to follow the guy, undoubtedly to keep punching him, but you step in front of him. Two hands to his chest, you push him away and he stumbles backwards at your force.

The argument still continues around you, JJ yelling at whoever is behind you. John B comes into view behind JJ and Pope behind them; and you can see that they’re also yelling. Various other voices filtering in, all of them yelling, profanities flying all around, but everything is just so jumbled you can’t make out a single sentence. You glance over your shoulder, to at least try and get a glimpse at who they’re fighting with, and when you see Topper and all of his buddies you nearly laugh.

When you make eye contact with Topper he recoils and takes a step back. He stops yelling and takes a moment to shoot you daggers, before he looks up to John B, “This isn’t over!”

John B scoffs but you speak up first, “Yes, it is.”

You raise your eyebrow at him in a challenging manner and Topper backs completely down after a momentary stare down with you. He purses his lips and pushes himself and his friends away from the area. You do let out a laugh when his indecipherable mumbles hit your ears.

“How’d you do that?” Pope asks.

“I beat him up once when I was seventeen.” you shrug, turning back to the three boys in front of you.

They look thoroughly impressed and JJ looks like he’s about to rip off your clothes right here in front of everyone. His heart is beating wildly under your palm and you look to him, your own heart jumping in your chest at his dilated pupils. But you don’t focus on that for too long because blood is still trickling out of his nose and the cut above his eyebrow, on his cheekbone, is also still bleeding.

Just as you push your flannel-covered hand up under JJ’s nose, Kiara slides up beside him and grabs onto his upper arm but looks at you. “What are you doing here?”

You furrow your eyebrows at her, “It’s a party for the island. I live on the island.” Using your other hand, you push your fingers into JJ’s forehead, “Tilt your head back.” He does as told and even brings his own hand up to pinch the bridge of his nose.

“I mean like, here, right now. How are you literally everywhere all of a sudden?”

“Kie,” JJ sighs, “leave her alone. She's my friend and I want her here at these things.”

“But why now? All of a sudden?” she exasperates.

“What does it matter?” John B cuts in. “She's cool, clearly badass, close with JJ, and can get Topper to back off with a single look?” His eyes are wide. “Good enough for my book.”

He shoots JJ a look, one that screams acceptance and support and JJ seems to realize exactly what the look means. JJ nods at him and snaps his arm out to hit John B in the stomach. They laugh but JJ winces when it makes your hand bump against his nose.

“We need to get your nose taken care of.” You catch your boyfriend's attention, when you pull your hand away. His nose isn’t dripping blood as profusely as before but you can see that it’s still producing some.

JJ slaps his hands down on your shoulders and turns you around, crowding up behind you, “You’re right, let’s go.” he says, pushing you to start walking. He looks over his shoulder when he’s a few steps away, “See you guys later.”

John B watches as they walk away, a pleased smile plastered on his face, wondering how his best friend was able to hide a relationship from him. He can’t even find it in himself to be mad at it either because it’s clear you care about him more than anyone ever has. And as he thinks back on the past couple years, he can now see the happiness in JJ that wasn’t there when they were younger, the easiness he’s been carrying within him. John B had put it down to just growing older but now it’s clear that JJ has had someone to confide in, to love, and for someone to love him back unconditionally.

“They’re totally dating!” Pope exclaims, dropping a hand down to John B’s shoulder and lets out a laugh. “I mean, did you see that killer hickey she had on her neck?”

John B laughs too, “Hell yeah they are and hell yeah I did.”

“He’d tell us that though and she could’ve gotten that from anyone!” Kie argues and Sarah laughs.

“Nah,” John B shakes his head as he slings his arm over Sarah’s shoulders. “I don't think he would; not until he’s ready.” he pulls Sarah closer to his side, “Lets head back to the chateau, I need some ice for my ribs.”

-

-

-

“JJ for the love of god, answer your phone and tell whoever can call you so many times back to back to get a life!” Kie yells, irritated at the sound that keeps echoing around the woods.

JJ grumbles and drops the stack of wood he has cradled in his arms. He too was getting annoyed at the sound, clearly if he couldn’t answer the first two times he couldn't answer the sixth time. The ringing stops just as he pulls the phone out of his pocket and his eyes widen when he takes a look at his lock screen and sees who has been calling him back to back. He mumbles out a quiet ‘shit’ and presses on your name to call you back.

It takes two rings before you pick up, “Hey! Hey, I'm so sorry. My hands were full, are you okay? Is everything alright?”

Kie furrows her brows at the worried tone JJ takes on and follows after him, picking up a couple pieces of the wood he dropped. His face is pinched with anxiety and he’s holding onto his phone so tight his knuckles are turning white.

“Yeah, yeah,” you answer, sounding a little out of breath. “Uhm, where are you?”

JJ frowns, you should know where he is. He definitely told you this morning when he got out of bed. “In the woods somewhere,” he answers anyway. ”The tide came in while we were out and we got stuck trying to drive through it on our way back.”

“Why would you try to- you know what, never mind. Can I come get you?”

“Me, specifically?” JJ asks, confused as to why you’d do that because he knows you’re working right now.

“No, JJ,” you deadpan. “I actually meant John B.”

“Right,” JJ nods sharply, stopping a few feet away from his friends, “That was stupid,” he shakes his head a bit. “I mean, I'm trying to help get the van out. What’s wrong?”

“Yeah, of course, you’re right,” you say, sounding a bit distracted and far away. “You’re busy. That should be fine.”

“What is going on?” JJ asks again, panic rising in him slightly. “You’re making me a bit anxious, here.”

John B takes a look around, confusion taking over his features as he tries to put together who his best friend might be on the phone with. Everyone’s currently accounted for so there’s not many other people he could be talking to. But when he sees the concern that takes over every bit of JJ, he has an inkling that it’s you he’s talking to. The concern radiating off of him is the same you had for him the other night at the bonfire.

“Fuck,” you mumble out breathlessly. He can picture you pressing the heel of your palm into your forehead so clearly it feels like he’s looking directly at you. “I'm sorry. I just-“ you sign out, cutting yourself off.

JJ turns his back to his friends and drops his voice down, “Baby,” he coos, “talk to me. What’s going on?”

“Okay, okay,” you whisper, “it’s not a big deal, okay, it’s not. But your dad came into the store-“

JJ feels his heart nearly drop out of his ass, “He what!”

The suddenness of JJ’s outburst startles the others and they look at each other with wide eyes before turning back to watch him pace, the van momentarily forgotten.

“It’s not a big deal-“ you try to placate but JJ doesn’t let you.

“What do you mean ‘not a big deal?’” JJ exasperates, throwing his free hand up in the air. “Clearly, it is, if you’re panicking!”

Your reply is an indignant, “I am not!”

“Yes, you are! What did he do!?”

“He threw a mug at me because I wouldn’t tell him where you were!” you exclaim, very obviously stressed. “And it’s not like I'm just going to tell him where you are, you know? You know I don't like him and I'm not just going to lead him straight to you when he only ever causes pain. That would be dumb and it’s not like I even knew where you were anyway- to be honest I wasn’t paying attention this morning when you told me but that’s besides the point. But he didn’t like that because he knows that we’re together and that I normally know where you are but I would-“

“Hey!” JJ interrupts, anything to make you stop your anxious rambling. “Hey, take a breath and calm down.” he hears you take a breath and he wishes nothing more than to be there with you to grab ahold of your face and calm you down. “Did he hurt you?”

“No.”

JJ lets out a relieving breath, his shoulders slumping as anxiety rushes through him. “Okay, good.”

“I just don’t want him to get to you before I do.” you admit.

“He won’t,” he grins a little, “I’ll send you a pin of my location. I don't think it would pinpoint me very well if you were to just look at it.”

“Fuck,” you sigh out, “I always forget we share locations. Not that it would have mattered; I still wouldn’t have told him.”

JJ can’t help but laugh at the disdain in your voice. You honestly can’t stand the thought of his dad and your hatred for him shines so bright every time he’s brought up. He's almost positive you’d fight him if he let you but he won’t ever let you. His dad can fight like no other.

“I know,” he murmurs, “just take another breath and drive safe.” he hears you hum. “I'll see you in a few.”

“Yeah. I love you.”

He smiles even more now and he wishes he was alone so he can say it back. “I do too.”

You hang up then and JJ drops his head to hang down between his shoulders. His neck is stiff and he feels like he’s about to catch on fire but he takes a few deep breaths to calm himself down. He taps the corner of his phone into his forehead a few times before turning it over in his hands, using it as a distraction from his thoughts. He wants nothing more than to throw it, to scream out in a rampage but he tamps it down the best that he can.

When he feels less likely to throw the device, he opens it up to send you his location. His fucking dad. Ruining everything. All the time. There's no reason for you to ever have to encounter his dad and he’s absolutely livid he wasn’t there for you when his dad decided it’d be a good idea to track him down through you.

He wishes he was stronger, so he could beat the ever living shit out of his dad and never have to worry about him again. But he’s not. His dad is far stronger than him and a much better fighter. JJ has tried and he’s failed each time he’s tried.

It’s not as bad now, anyway, that he never has to go to his actual home. Never really has to see his dad anymore unless he runs into him when he’s out and about in town. Having you and your home to go to, the chateau, being over the age of eighteen has made his life so much better here. He doesn’t crave an escape anymore, doesn’t crave to leave and never look back. It's nicer now. He has something here now and he’d follow that around any day.

“Hey man, are you good?” John B asks, stepping forward a bit, ready to handle JJ if he snaps.

“Yeah,” JJ breathes, squeezing his eyes shut tight for a moment to reign in his temper. “Yeah, just my fucking dad.”

It goes quiet for a few moments and JJ shoves his phone into his pocket then turns around to face his friends again just as John B asks, “What happened?”

“He went through y/n to try and find me,” JJ spits, irritated at the thought that his dad would do that. “And threw a mug at her when she wouldn’t tell him where I was.”

“Why would he go to her in the first place?” Kie asks, her brow furrowing in confusion as she tries to figure out why his dad would know who you were when she didn’t even know until recently.

“He knows we know each other,” JJ shrugs, dismissing the question. “The problem is that he went to her in the first place.” He starts pacing again. “That asshole has ruined so many things for me and he just keeps trying. It's like I can never get away from him. I’m older now, I don’t have to ever see him and I don’t ever see him but when I do he just does everything he can to make things a living hell for me. I'm just so tired of him, I don't want to keep dealing with him because just when I think things are going to be fine he swoops in and turns it all upside down for a bit. I’m so tired of it a-“

“Hey, hey,” John B rushes to close the distance between himself and JJ. He steps in front of JJ’s pacing body and places both of his hands on his shoulder to get him to stop moving. “Hey, stop. You’re almost completely disconnected from your dad, don’t let this little thing bother you so much.”

“John B, you don’t understand,” JJ mumbles, trying to shrug out of the hold John B has on him.

“I don’t,” he shakes his head, “but you haven’t seen him in like what- six months?”

“I know but he could’ve hurt her, man,” JJ whispers harshly, “He has a way about him that ruins everything I've ever had. I can't have him ruining this for me. The way he, barely, raised me and has treated me my entire life has already threatened to ruin this for me- on more than one occasion. I can't lose her because of him.”

John B nods, understanding the true meaning of JJ’s words and he squeezes his shoulders in support; in acceptance. He's not sure how long the two of you have been a thing but he can clearly see how much you mean to JJ and vice versa. It's evident that you’ve helped JJ through a lot and have been there for him to help him grow into a mature person. John B never thought he’d see the day JJ became the most mature one of the group but the more he thinks about it, he can see how much he has matured over the years. He’s not as tempted to do wild, dangerous, illegal things on a whim anymore. He thinks things through before he does them. You’ve clearly been good for him.

“But she’s fine and she’s on her way, right?”

JJ looks up at his best friend and nods, taking a deep breath in the process. He's right. You are on your way to him right now and you’re fine. Everything is going to be fine.

“So then just breathe, we can figure it all out together.”

JJ nods again and they stand there for a few minutes, to help JJ calm his breathing back down and to make sure he doesn’t feel like going on a murderous rampage anymore. They stand there long enough that you end up getting there before they have a chance to pull apart from one another. But as soon as your vehicle can be heard, JJ is stepping away from John B and walking towards the edge of the rising water so you won’t have to get in it at all.

“Usually when water gets this high, you're not supposed to drive through it,” you teasingly shout as you open your driver's door and stand on the edge of the floorboard. JJ squints at you, trying to assess your body for injuries but he’s still too far away. And he knows you said that you weren’t hurt but he just can’t help it, it’s instinctive to do it.

“It was JJ’s idea!” John B yells back, a smile taking over his face.

JJ shakes his head at the ground because it definitely was not his idea.

“Mm, he’s always so full of wonderful ideas.” you giggle and his heart soars at the sound. He'd much rather hear that rather than the shakiness of your voice when you’re stressed and anxious like you were a few minutes ago.

“It's how I've made it this far,” he laughs, finally clearing the water and stepping over to you. The others laugh behind him but he can’t really hear them, his vision honing in on a cut that’s on your cheek and peeking out from under your sunglasses. He points at it because, one hundred percent, it was not there this morning when you parted from one another, “What is that?”

“A cut,” you state, pushing your sunglasses up into your hair. You climb down and stand in front of him.

JJ lets out a scoff, “Well, I can see that. I'm not blind. How’d you get it? You said he didn’t hurt you.”

“Technically, he didn’t.” you confirm, “The mug shattered against the wall and a piece flew out and hit me.”

“Baby,” JJ sighs, closing his eyes to keep himself at bay. “If he threw it then it was him. Why didn’t you tell me?”

You frown at him and reach out to hold onto his wrist, “I wanted to be in front of you when I told you so you could see that it's not that big of a deal.”

JJ grinds his jaw, “It is a big deal. He shouldn’t be throwing things at you in the first place.” he shakes his head, “What did he even want?”

“I'm not sure,” you shrug, “something about a boat and how you’re the only one that would know.”

Clenching his eyes, JJ shakes his head, whispers out a harsh, “Fuck.”

You reach out and grab his wrist, shoving your fingers up his sleeve so you can touch his skin. He sags at the feeling. “What is it?”

“I don't know,” he exhales heavily. “But it can’t be good. The last time I saw him he was in jail, I don’t know what he’d need a fucking boat for.” JJ brings his free hand up to pinch the bridge of his nose. “Did he say where he was going?”

You shake your head. “Just kept demanding I tell him where you were.”

“I'm sorry,” JJ sighs, his chest constricting under the words. Under the guilt of you having to deal with his dad. “You shouldn’t have to deal with him.”

“It’s alright,” you soothe, wrapping your fingers completely around his wrist.

“It’s not.” JJ shakes his head. “He should've never come to you.”

“JJ, I can handle him.” you state. “It was after he left when I got anxious.”

“Hey, sorry to interrupt whatever is going on,” Kie calls from where she sits on top of the van. You jump a little at the suddenness of her voice, still clearly on edge, and slowly remove your hand from JJ’s wrist. “But like, the water is still rising and the van is still stuck.”

“I can never catch a fucking break,” JJ mutters as he turns away from you to face his friends again. His words make you frown and since your driver's door is still blocking most of your view from them, you run your hand across his lower back to bring him some comfort. “We need like a winch or something,” JJ breathes out, sounding entirely too tired.

“I think there’s one at the chateau,” John B says, face scrunched up like he’s trying to visualize it in his head and where it might be.

JJ snaps his fingers, “In the surf shed!”

“Yes!” John B exclaims, pointing to JJ before turning to you. “Would you mind lending your truck to help us out?”

“I don't mind.”

John B presses his hands together like he’s sending you a prayer, “Thank you, you’re a lifesaver!”

You wave your hand dismissively as JJ starts pushing you back into the driver's side, “I’ll drive but climb through, the water is rising and I don’t want you to have to get wet.” He grabs onto your hips to lift you into the truck before turning back to his friends, pointedly ignoring their faces and the questions that lay there. “It's only two miles. We’ll be back in a few.”

“Hurry, please,” John B pleads, “I don't feel like losing my van today.”

JJ nods sharply before climbing into the driver's seat and closing the door behind him. He feels like he’s vibrating, anxious about a million things all at once. You grab at his hand once he’s driving in the correct direction and hold it in your lap, soothing your fingers over the back of it. He relaxes slightly at the contact but not enough to really calm him down.

The quiet between you doesn’t help either, it only grates on his nerves and makes him feel like his head is about to explode. It’s not uncomfortable, it’s just so overwhelming but he has no idea what to say. And he knows you’re giving him the time he needs to process what’s going on but he doesn’t think it’s helping this time around. He squeezes your hand and you bring it up to your lips.

“What do you think Luke wants?” you question against the back of his hand. He smiles despite the question, happy that you realized he needed something other than the quiet.

JJ can’t help but sigh, gripping the steering wheel tighter, “I wouldn't even know where to start guessing.”

“You’re not alone, okay?” You still have his hand pressed up against your lips and the feeling of your lips against his skin makes a calm flow through him.

“I know.” he grins, his heart easing in his chest a bit.

When they get to the chateau, JJ is quick to park and jump out of the truck- so quick in fact that he face plants the ground in his hurry. He’s up just as fast though and quick to throw you a thumbs up before you can get out to check on him. He limps for a few steps but he ignores it in favor of getting what he needs and getting out of there. He just wants to get this over with already. He's tired. So tired.

Just as he finds the winch, a hand clamps down harshly around his mouth and a panic fills him as he starts to fight against it. The hold on him is strong and familiar which only makes the panic worse, his heart dropping to his toes when his dad's voice filters in through his fight to free himself. “J, calm down and stop fighting. It’s me, your father.”

JJ twists himself free then, “Get the fuck off of me!” he shoves his dad away and stumbles out of reaching distance, panting.

“Hey, calm down.”

“You calm down! What the hell do you want? And why are you here? How’d you get out!?” JJ rapid fires his questions, his mind going way too fast.

“They let me out, work release.” Luke chuckles. “Can you believe that, good behavior?” JJ doesn’t find it funny in the slightest. his eyes take over his dad in a panic and land on his hand, covered in cuts and blood. “Oh, right.” Luke flexes his hand. “Busted out a window and the pharmacist inside.”

Dread washes over JJ like ice water was dumped over him. He closes his eyes, tries to get his heart to calm down so he doesn’t freak out right here, in front of the one person who doesn’t deserve to see him weak. “What do you want?”

“That pharmacist can ID me, I need to get out of here. Leave, get off the island.” he reiterates.

JJ clenches his jaw and goes to leave but his dad is quick to grab onto his arm and shove him up against the wall. Things clatter to the ground around him and he winces when something shoves into his back a little too hard. Panic is rushing through his veins and tears are quick to gather in his eyes as his dad gets in his face and wraps his hands around the base of his throat, a small reminder of what he can do to him.

“Dad, get off of me!” His voice is harsh but it’s shaky.

“No, you listen to me!” Luke cuts in, shoving JJ up against the wall once more. He can hear you calling out to him in this distance but he can barely make out what you’re saying. “This is your fault! I would've had my own boat if it weren’t for you! You need to help me get a boat and get off of this goddamn island.'' His dad is shaking him now and JJ is trying to fight him but he’s just not strong enough. He's breathing hard and trying to look tough, his jaw clenched and nostrils flared but he knows it means nothing. “This is your fault.”

“This is not my fault.” JJ defends himself, weakly, and tries to break out of his dad's grasp once more. Luke doesn’t let that happen.

“It is!” he exclaims in a harsh whisper, shoving JJ around like a rag doll until he has a tight grip on both of his biceps. “You mean to tell me you won’t help out your own blood?”

JJ shakes his head in disbelief, unclenching his jaw momentarily to relieve the pressure building up there from the force of him holding back his tears. His stomach swoops violently in his abdomen and he fears he might throw up but he pushes it down. His dad knows better than to throw that out there. Knows that JJ is truly the biggest softy and would do anything for the people he, even just slightly, cares about.

Pursing his lips and tipping his head back defiantly, he grabs his dad's shirt as hard as he can and yanks him in the direction of your truck. “Go.” he demands when his dad stumbles over his feet at the force of JJ’s shove.

His dad ducks down like a scared puppy when JJ shoves him once more- keeping his own head down when he can finally see you in his peripheral vision. “JJ, what the fuck is this?”

“Don’t worry about it, okay?” JJ pleads, desperately trying to keep his voice from wavering and shoves his dad harshly once more when he notices him giving you a menacing finger wave. “Get in.”

“No, absolutely not.” you snap, ignoring his dad, and get out of the truck to step up next to him. “What are you doing?” You ask and JJ’s not really sure who you’re talking to anymore.

“Just get in,” JJ pushes his dad towards the back as he puts the winch down in the bed of the truck. He does his best to ignore you but he’s never been too good at that and he nearly breaks down when he makes eye contact with you. There's just so many things going on he doesn’t know entirely what to do.

“JJ, what are you doing? Why is he here!?” you yell at him, clearly feeling stressed about the situation you’re witnessing. JJ sniffs roughly, the softening of your eyes as they roam over his face nearly pushing him over the edge.

He tries to continue to ignore you though, brushing off the questions but you don’t let him and you grab onto his arms to stop him.

“Listen to me,” he snaps but when you only give him an unimpressed look, he sighs and calmly grabs your face. “Listen to me, y/n, baby, please.” When you nod, he continues, “Look, I just need to help him leave. He wants to leave, needs to because the police are after him. If he leaves and I help him I might never have to do it again.”

JJ feels like his chest is going to concave on itself and he still feels close to throwing up but he tries his best to ignore it- running his thumbs over your cheeks to calm himself down. He thinks he might be panicking but he’s not too sure. He could also be feeling so much relief that it’s turning his insides because he doesn’t know exactly what that kind of relief feels like- the relief of never having to see his dad again. To never have to worry about him directly ruining his life anymore. And you must sense the turmoil going on within him because your body relaxes under his touch and the fight leaves your body. He knows you know how much his dad fucks him up and how bad his life has been growing up and you want nothing more than for him to be free.

Of course you’ll help him.

“Fine. What are we going to do?”

“Just please help us get into the marina and the island club, please. There’s a boat there that he can take.” he’s nearly pleading, feeling frantic and out of place. He can feel his dad watching him and it makes his blood run cold in his body. “Twenty minutes, please.”

JJ can see that you’re angry, that you don’t want to help his dad- would be ok with letting him get caught and thrown in jail again but you care about him more than anything and he knows that. If his dad is gone then he's gone and he won’t have the threat of him looming over him every again and that’s something he’s always dreamed about.

“Okay, JJ.” you sigh, running your fingers through his hair to hold onto the back of his neck. He flinches a little at the touch but you ignore it for now, knowing it’s not the time to delve into that. “Let's get this over with.”

Grabbing the hand you have placed on his neck, he pulls it away and places a kiss on your palm. His way of saying thank you. You nod in understanding and watch as he gets back into the driver's seat. You stand there for a moment and breathe, to calm down before you have to be in close proximity to the utter piece of shit JJ still calls a dad.

“J, make sure you stop so I can get provisions.” Luke smirks. “Five days worth.”

“Yeah,” JJ clenches his jaw, keeps his stare out of the windshield.

You’re sitting in the passenger seat, stiff as a board with anger radiating from you like heat waves. Luke can sense the tension he’s created and it sets a pleased feeling in his stomach as he gets to watch it. The couple in front of him has always been so at ease with one another and he’s almost happy he’s created such palpable tension.

“Crackers and tuna. Maybe some baked beans,” Luke informs as JJ parks and starts to get out. He sends you a look, an apology, for leaving you here with his dad but you don’t look at him. “Salt and pepper!”

“Got it!” JJ snaps, as he slams the door. He sends you one last look but you’re still not looking anywhere near his way.

In the truck, you sit there and try your best to ignore the presence in the back seat even though it’s pretty much impossible. His aura is heavy and takes up so much space that it makes it harder for you to breathe with him there. Also, he’s tapping on your seat like a damn four year old.

“Will you stop that!” you snap. “Like a fucking child, fuck.”

“So much attitude, how does JJ put up with that?”

You huff out a breath, ready to punch him in the face. “Because I care about him, unlike you.”

“Mm,” Luke hums. “Give it to me. Lay into me.”

“You’re a horrible person and a shitty dad.” you say, your body vibrating with rage. All the stories JJ has told you, all the things you’ve seen happen to JJ at the hands of his father rush through your mind like a personal movie. “You have no idea how special your son is and all you do is treat him like shit.”

“He's just a thief, that’s all he is.”

“Not anymore!” you exclaim. “If you knew anything about him you’d know how good he is and you forcing him to do this shit is going to tear him apart! And I'm going to be the one to fix it and put him back together again! Just like I have been for years! After you’ve fucked him up some more!” There's tears collecting in your eyes out of pure anger and you just want to scream.

“What do you get out of being there for my son? For protecting him and taking care of him?” Luke ridicules, a taunting tone taking over. “It’s not like he has much to offer.”

“He has more than you’d ever be capable of,” you scoff. It's absolutely none of his business either. “Trust me, you’d never understand the way JJ has been there for me.”

“You know,'' Luke leans forward, trying to get you to look at him but you won’t. “This look you have going on. This tough shell that you use, hard and emotionless. Dark clothes, tattoos, piercings; does nothing to hide how weak you are underneath. You and JJ deserve each other, just weaklings that need others to get them through a day.” He laughs but there’s nothing funny about it. “You sound just like your mom though, when she was this age, always thinking and acting like she was better than everyone else. She wasn’t though, not really. She was always running around- slumming it with the bad boys, the low lives even though she didn’t need to. How is doing the same beneficial for you? What do you gain from being like her?”

You let out a humorless laugh before you jam your elbow into Luke’s face. He groans out a laugh and holds onto his nose, ecstatic he got a reaction out of you.

“JJ is not a low life,” you sneer. “And neither one of us is weak.” you shove at his chest when he tries to sit up. “We’re more emotionally developed than you’ll ever be. So what if we need support, that’s what happens with developed beings- they know they need help sometimes. But you’re pretty underdeveloped, so you might not have known that.” You let out a humorless laugh. “And let me get one thing straight,” you jab a finger in his chest, “don’t you ever, ever speak about my mother again like you knew her.”

Luke is looking at you with a happiness in his eyes that borderlines psychotic. There's no reason for him to look as thrilled as he does with you being so close to tears in front of him.

When he doesn’t respond to your tangent, you sniff and look him dead in the eyes with a look you know would have anyone else slinking away like a dog with their tail tucked between their legs. “You leave here and you never come back, do you understand me?”

“You can’t tell me what to do.”

“No, I can’t but I’m telling you. You leave here and you leave JJ alone.” you demand. “He doesn’t need you when all you do is create storm after storm in his life. You bring him so much pain and hatred within himself that he has to deal with it and I'm tired of watching him have to deal with it. He deserves to be free from you if you’re not going to treat him like he’s your son.” you see.

“Who do you think you are, talking to me like this?” Luke shakes his head, sitting up again, his face red with anger. He looks like he’s ready to attack you but you just stare at him, not afraid of him in the slightest. You know the things he’s capable of but you don’t even care at this point, you’d do anything to stand up for JJ.

“I think- actually I know, I'm the person who cares and loves JJ in a way you never have.” you scorn, narrowing your eyes at him. “I'm the one who has seen the aftermath of the things you create and the things you’ve done to your own son. The son that you treat like a stranger you don’t get along with, abusing him for years and thinking it’s fine, completely acceptable, but it’s not.”

Luke's face hardens and you can see he wants to throw a retort in your face, prove you wrong, but he knows he can’t. You’re right but it’s clear he doesn’t agree with you.

“You have been a lowlife his whole life, teaching him things no kid should ever know. Showing him behaviors no one should ever know, being high or drunk the entire time he’s been alive. You don’t deserve the person he’s become and you never will.”

Your chest heaves as you try to get a grip on your emotional state before you let your tears fall in front of him. There’s no way you’d ever let him see you cry, give him the satisfaction that he can make you do such a thing. You’ve never had so much hatred for a person in your entire life but you can admit he’s the one person you hate with your entire being. JJ is easily the best person you’ve ever met and it’s amazing that he is- based off the person who has the guts to say he raised him.

JJ comes out of the store then and if Luke was going to say anything, he doesn’t because JJ jogs down the steps quickly. He nearly throws a six pack of beer at his dad, through the window as he rushes past to put everything in the back. When he gets back in, JJ shoots his dad an accusing look before he focuses on you.

“Hey,” he reaches out to place a hand on your thigh, “you okay?”

You nod and a tear drops out of your eye at the movement but you quickly wipe it away, smiling at JJ, “Yeah, great.”

You’re lying straight to his face but he lets it go for now because it’s just not the time to talk on it. He squeezes your thigh briefly before pulling his hand back so he can drive. It's only a few more minutes before they get to the island club and JJ parks as close as he can to the dock that they need. He sends you a quick glance and you give him a curt nod in return, one that he mirrors before forcing his dad out of the truck.

“Hey, Luke?” you question when JJ and his dad are a few feet away. They turn around in tandem, JJ’s face looking like the epitome of strain and anxiety but when you flip off his dad a light flashes through his eyes. You smile sarcastically at Luke and he tries to lunge after you but JJ shoves at his chest.

“No, go!”

They walk down the dock in silence, the brightness of the sun is a stark contrast to how gloomy he’s feeling about the situation. He follows his dad around on the boat and helps him get it ready, sets his supplies down inside before heading up the tower to get the boat started. When he comes back down, after the boat is running smoothly, his dad is stashing away prescription bottles and his heart sinks in his chest. His dad is never going to change and fleeing the island isn’t going to change him either.

“Dad,” JJ sighs, “Why’d you have to go after her like that?”

“I just told her the truth,” his dad shrugs.

“You've ruined everything I've ever had, did you know that?” JJ clenches his jaw.

“It's not like I’ve meant to.”

“For once in your pathetic life can you act like you care about me! For just a second!” JJ yells, his voice wavering. “You've been nothing but horrible to me and now I'm here helping you escape, to leave me behind- again like you’ve done my whole life!”

Luke nods, “I'm sorry, I haven't been the best.”

“Yeah.” JJ agrees.

“I'm probably never going to come back, son.” Luke concedes, stepping up to JJ. JJ tries to back away, to leave but Luke grabs onto his face, “Come on, J, don’t be like that. Everything is going to work out.”

“It's not, but maybe it will in some other life.” JJ whimpers, feeling like he’s being slammed into wall after wall. His emotions are running rampant and he’s not sure which one is going to win out in the end.

“It may not have been good between us but you have something good now. Something I have never been able to give you. I know it’s what you needed and I'm sorry it wasn’t me, especially when you needed me. But I will never be able to give you what you need, I just don’t care enough.” Luke moves JJ’s face to get him to look at him and when he doesn’t, he tells him to. Tears drip onto his cheeks but Luke ignores them. “I could've been better but I wasn't. You’re a good kid, you have a kind heart and that’s something I never had. You’re not me and you won’t be. Not with the support system you have.”

His dad's words hurt because he finally has affirmation that his dad has truly never cared about it. But, JJ feels something within him break loose and shatter at his feet anyway. A weight falls off of his shoulders and lifts from his mind, a clearness seeping through that makes him realize just how fine he really is. He's not his dad and he never really has been. Sure he’s made poor choices but who hasn't. He's not destined to live a life like his dad and he’s relieved to finally see that. To hear his dad say, to confirm that JJ is better than him, is something he never knew he needed.

But his dad still doesn’t deserve the satisfaction of knowing that he’s helped JJ see clarity, “Take care of yourself, dad.” His chin is quivering and he goes to hug his dad, relieved to feel that it’s being returned. He holds onto his dad for as long as he’ll let him, basking in the comfort it gives him- in the feeling of acceptance it gives him. It’s all he’s ever wanted and he’s upset that him leaving is what makes it happen.

JJ breaks away first and steps off the boat before his dad can say anything else, a newfound anger coursing through him as he unties the boat. For a moment all he sees is his dad attacking him, yelling at him, leaving him behind in bars, teaching him how to steal, how to hustle people, how to hurt people. No matter what he did, he was never good enough, and was always put to blame when something went wrong. He threw the tie down harshly, angry that his dad is the one leaving him after everything he’s put him through but relieved that he’s going to be gone.

Tears flow down his face as he watches the boat get further and further away and he only looks away when he hears tentative footsteps on the dock. He sniffles and wipes his nose when he focuses on you standing there. You have a hand outstretched to him, wiggling your fingers at him, to get him to take it and he does. Tears are running down your own cheeks but the sight makes him smile- looking at you, with the evening sun giving you wonderful glow, he sees the future and it makes him feel lighter. His dad isn’t ever going to bother the two of you ever again and with the things his dad just told him, he’s not as scared anymore. He knows he’ll be able to handle his own mind a lot better now and that’s only going to be beneficial in the long run.

He dumps the bottles of pills that he had swiped off the boat when his dad wasn’t looking into an open buoy and finally pulls himself up to where you’re waiting for him. You lace your fingers with his and smile at him, “Let’s go help your friends and then go home, yeah?”

“Yeah,” JJ smiles, wipes a tear off your cheek with his thumb, and leans down to press a kiss to your lips. “You’re my future, baby. You always have been.”

“Good,” you sniffle at him and place another kiss on his awaiting lips.

When you get home that night, JJ breaks down.

He cries out everything that built up in him throughout the day. All the anxiety, the hurt, the relief, of his dad leaving him behind is expelled out of him in harsh cries. He accepts that he no longer has parents- not that he ever really had them to begin with. You help him through that though, understanding more than anyone what it’s like to not have any. He’s exhausted by the time he stops crying, his body arguing with him at his every movement but it’s alright because you’re there for him. Holding him, soothing him, distracting him, supporting him.

You make him feel valid. You don’t degrade or berate him. You don’t hit him or yell at him. You do nothing but love him with your entire soul and it makes him feel okay. Makes him feel worth it.

And for once he believes it.

-

-

-

A single drop of water to your calf is all the warning you get before there’s a pair of arms encasing both sides of your head and a wet chest dropping down on your exposed back. A kiss gets placed to the base of your neck, then one to each of your shoulders, before the body drops down next to you on your beach towel. The water left behind sends goosebumps all over your body but the coolness of it is welcoming on your heated skin. You let out a smile when a hand traces down your spine and rests on your lower back, prompting you to turn your head to look at your boyfriend. He smiles brightly at you, his cheeks a little red.

“You looked kinda lonely over here.” He faux pouts at you and rests his head in his palm.

“I was fine.”

“Yeah you are,” JJ smirks, reaching down to snap your bikini bottoms against your ass with the hand that’s resting against your lower back. You giggle when he does it again and you have to slap him away when he tries for a third. “I have wonderful taste. This new bikini looks so good on you.”

A blush forms on your cheeks at his compliment, even though it might be the third time he’s said it today. “Stop it,” you mumble, dropping your head down to your arms folded in front of you.

“What?” JJ replies, a fond smile on his face as his eyes roam all over you. “I can’t compliment my lady. My beautiful, beautiful, lady.”

His hand runs back up your spine and rests it around the base of your neck where he squeezes it lightly. He pulls you up and tilts his head so his face is directly in front of yours. You can’t help but smile at the enamored look on his face. He mirrors your smile and leans in to press a soft kiss to your lips- humming into it happily. His thumb tenderly brushes the skin of your neck as he pushes a little harder into the kiss.

“You’re too hot, baby,” JJ mumbles against your lips, a concerned furrow to his brow as he pulls away. “Do you want to get into the water with me? Cool down a little bit?”

He looks concerned but tired. The circles under his eyes are dark and puffy. His skin, while flushed from the sun, is pale. It makes sense though, this is the first day he’s really felt up for leaving the house. The past few days have been emotionally exhausting as JJ processed everything that happened with his dad. He cried and slept and then slept and cried, over and over for the past few days but you were there the whole time to get him through it. You held him and guided him through every stage of grief. And today ended up being a good day because of your never ending support- so he said.

“But then I'd have to get up,” you whine, dramatically throwing yourself over to JJ. He falls into his back and you sprawl across him as he lets out a groan. Laughing, you prop yourself up on your hands so you can get a good look at him, “This is so much more comfortable.” He shoots you a highly unimpressed look and you have to stifle your laughs. “Fine, I guess. But you have to put more sunscreen on me when we get out.”

JJ smiles triumphantly at you and gently slaps his hands on either side of your face to bring you down into a kiss.  “Happily,” he murmurs when he pulls away. You push yourself off of him then and hold out a hand to help him up once you’re standing. He uses your linked hands to pull you into his chest and wrap his free arm around your waist. “Any opportunity to get my hands on you, I’ll take.”

You roll your eyes, pushing him playfully even though he doesn’t budge, “I know. Mister touchy, always.”

“You know you like it.” He winks, letting go of your hand to grab your hips and you blush. “Can you blame me, though, sweetheart?”

You let out a bashful giggle and wiggle out of his hold, trying to get away from him and his never ending string of compliments. He doesn’t let you get far though, his hands clamp around your hips and he yanks you backwards until you fall against his chest and your back is lined up with his front. “You’re such a sight for eyes, baby, and mine have been sore for days.”

“JJ,” you sigh out at his poor attempt at humor.

“I’m fine,” he murmurs against the shell of your ear and you really can’t help the shiver that tingles your spine. “And so are you.”

JJ slides a hand across your lower abdomen to keep you pressed up against him. Another shiver runs through your body as his practically encases yours from behind. In general, being close to him, especially skin to skin, sends an excited shiver through you but right now JJ is significantly cooler than you and it just makes your shivers more violent. He shoves his face into the crook of your neck and places a kiss to your skin there, where you feel him smirk when you shiver yet again. His fingers then trail lightly over your abdomen.

“You gotta stop or we’re going to get arrested for public indecency,” you sigh. Your stomach flexes under his touch and your body doubles in heat within seconds.

“Oh, I think it’d be so worth it,” JJ says, gripping your hips again and turning your body around so you’re facing him. “Would be a good way to go down.”

“No, it wouldn’t,” you shake your head. “I don't want other people seeing you like that. That’s for me only.”

JJ’s pupils dilate at your words, his eyes darkening as he looks at you. “Fuck,” he breathes out, surging forward to bring you into a demanding kiss. It's rough and entirely too indecent for a public beach but you don’t even care, you fall into it and reciprocate every movement he gives. His arms wrap around your waist to keep you upright as the force of his kiss pushes you backwards. You secure your arms around his neck and just kiss him with every ounce of life you have in you.

You pull away first, the need to breathe taking over but you don’t go far, pressing your forehead into JJ’s. He brushes his nose against yours and lets his lips brush yours as you both catch your breaths. Chests are heaving in sync and hands are gripping at each other desperately- you’re positive JJ’s fingertips are going to leave bruises around your hips.

“That was nice,” you hum completely in a daze, playing with the hair at the nape of his neck.

“It always is,” JJ winks at you, darting forward to steal another kiss.

You swallow harshly, nodding your head frantically, “You’re right.”

“Of course I am.” He smiles brightly at you and starts pushing you backwards. He keeps his body firm against yours though as he walks you both towards the water. “But you’re also right. You’re for my eyes only, hot stuff.”

A wave crashes into the back of your legs and the cold shock of it makes you nearly fall over. JJ takes the opportunity of your gasp though, to shove his tongue back into your mouth and claim it as his own. He kisses the breath right out of you as he moves his tongue against yours fervently, like a man that’s gone without water in a desert for far too long.

The water is colder than you’re used to, with you having been out of it for so long, so your breath leaves you quicker- leaving your chest burning with the need for air. Especially when a wave crashes into your back, the suddenness making you gasp and pull away. JJ chases after your lips though, in a desperate attempt to keep them attached. When the water finally settles around your chests, JJ closes the distance between your lips once more.

“You know,” JJ breathes against your lips. He slides his hands up the length of your body until he holds onto your ribs to keep you placed against him. “You are the best part of me and such a big part of my life. I just can’t imagine you not being in it.” he smiles at you and rubs his thumbs across your jaw. “And I just- I want to thank you for being there for me. For listening to me and protecting me and supporting me and believing in me. I know, I know the last couple months have been hard for us but just- thank you for not giving up on me.”

“JJ,” you whisper, tears welling up in your eyes. “As long as you keep trying, I will never give up on you. You deserve to have someone in your life who is going to be there for you through these things. You are good enough for it and I will do everything in my power to make sure you believe that. You are so amazing.”

Tears well up in JJ’s eyes then and he lets out a choked huff. You bring a hand up to his face and wipe at a tear that falls onto his cheek. He turns his face and places a kiss on your palm. “You better kiss me, right now.”

So you do, you pull your hand away from his lips and you kiss him instead- slow and passionate. You pour every bit of love and devotion into the kiss to let him know just how he makes you feel. To let him know just how you feel about him. It’s so desperate, so needy, as you grab each other and push into one another to be closer, to feel as much of each other as you can. JJ greedily shoves his tongue into your mouth and takes everything and you let him take whatever it is he wants.

Eventually you have to pull away because you have to breathe. But you can’t bring yourself to move away too far so you just keep your mouth against his to breathe and you both just breathe against each other. You push your forehead into his and wrap your arms around his neck to bring him even closer to you. His arms automatically wrap around your waist.

“I love you, yeah?” JJ breathes and you nod, your nose brushing against his almost desperately.

“Fuck yeah,” you sigh and kiss him again. “I love you.”

“Yeah you do,” JJ murmurs, pulling you into another kiss. A kiss that you both giggle into. A kiss that is way sweeter and nowhere near as deep and languorous as the last one. You hum into it, shoving your fingers into his hair to keep him close. To keep his lips just there, pressed against yours as you peck his lips.

A long, drawn out, whistle breaks through the bubble you’ve created with your boyfriend and startle away from. JJ mumbles out a breathless ‘fuck’ just as you get a look over your shoulder to see who’d interrupted. He slowly removes his arms from around you and moves to step in front of you because his friends stand there at the edge of the water.

“Hey, JJ!” John B smiles brightly at his best friend, it looks teasing and lighthearted. He turns to you and nods respectfully, “y/n.” You nod back at him and wave.

“What are you guys doing?” Pope questions, a playful smirk resting on his lips. “Tonsil hockey?”

“Actually,” you swallow, “I was having some trouble breathing so JJ was giving me mouth to mouth.”

JJ lets out a laugh, “I was probably making it worse, though.”

“Yeah, I don't think tongues are required for mouth to mouth.” John B teases.

“Uh,” JJ clears his throat through a laugh, thumbs at his nose, “I actually think it is.”

“JJ,” Pope sighs, laughs, “that is literally not correct. y/n, come on. Come with us and we can save you from the stupid things JJ believes.”

You start to trudge through the water, reaching for the hand Pope is offering before changing your mind and turning around to face JJ and grabbing at his hands to pull him along with you. You wink at him when he looks at you. “Actually,” you look over your shoulder at Pope, “I feel like I remember reading that somewhere.”

“Oh my god,” Pope mutters in disbelief as he looks from you to JJ. “She feeds into your shit?”

“Of course she does,” JJ smiles, running a hand across your hip momentarily. “She loves me.” he sing-songs. You smile brightly at him.

“Unbelievable,” John B shakes his head as the group walks towards a towel further up the beach. “Both of you.”

You lead the group up the beach and to a spot with a towel and a couple bags. John B watches as JJ sits down first while you dig around in one of the bags and pull out a bottle of sunscreen and a couple shirts. JJ grabs them from you, throwing on one of the t-shirts and cradles the sunscreen on his legs. “So JJ,” John B clears his throat and gets his best friend's attention. JJ hums but keeps his eyes on his hands as he rubs sunscreen between them. “You got yourself a girlfriend?”

JJ smiles widely as he looks at John B, his hands automatically reaching out to run the sunscreen over your legs. “Yeah,” he wiggles his eyebrows.

You let out a scandalous gasp and look up from where you’re typing something on your phone. “You got yourself a girlfriend and didn’t even tell me!”

“Yeah,” JJ sighs dreamily, wrapping his hands around your ankles as he finishes applying the sunscreen to your legs. “And she’s hot too!”

You laugh and your head tips back with it. JJ helps you sit down and you settle between his spread legs where he moves on to apply sunscreen to your back. John B watches in awe as you both seem to move in perfect harmony, like all your movements are subconscious. He takes a look around the group and everyone else seems to be watching in the same manner.

“Yeah she is,” Sarah comments, reaching over from where she’s sat to run a finger down your side. “Girl, I didn't know you had so many tattoos.”

“I started getting them when I turned eighteen.” you inform. “JJ really likes them, too. Traces them when he can’t sleep.”

JJ nods and places a kiss to your shoulder before placing the other shirt over your head.

Pope makes a gagging sound, “You guys are like- disgusting but in an affectionate way.”

“How long has this been going on?” John B asks, waving a finger around at you both as you lean back against JJ’s chest. “Because you move too well together for it to be new.”

“Yeah,” Pope sits up and rests his forearms on his bent knees. “You guys just did all,” he waves his hands around, “that, without saying a word to one another.”

“Over two years,” JJ shrugs, “I’m not too positive, dating just really blended from friendship.”

Kie lets out a very strangled sound and when you look at her, she looks beyond betrayed and very disgruntled. “Why didn’t you tell us, JJ?”

“Uh, well,” JJ clears his throat. His hands disappear up the shirt he put on you and it’s clear he’s seeking comfort. “Look, you guys; we share everything with one another. We have little to no secrets. Everyone knows everything about the other. And I like that about us, I do, but this one thing. This one thing- was just something I wanted for myself. I didn’t want to share.” he pauses for a moment to make sure he makes eye contact with each and every one of them. “Do you know how nice it is to have someone to go home to? To have someone there, waiting for you, with open arms and ready to hear about your day? Someone that you haven’t seen all day and is excited to see you?”

You’re looking down at the towel beneath you, picking at a loose thread in it with a slight smile on your face. You’ve heard this explanation a hundred times by now but every time you hear it, your heart flutters in your chest and you feel like you’re floating through the clouds. You have always been a place of comfort for JJ, a person he can confide in and be comfortable around. And you’d never want it to be any other way. He deserves someone that cares about him, someone that will listen to his ramblings and excited chatter without shutting him down the second he starts talking about something no one knows about. It’s something he never really had until he met you and you’re happy to give it to him.

There’s a prolonged silence and JJ continues. “I got used to having someone that didn’t know about my day until I came home and I told them. She’s been separate from you guys and the things we do every day and it’s just been so nice.” JJ shrugs and looks at Kiara, “Listen, it’s not because I never trusted you guys or anything like that. Trust me. This was just something I needed and I needed it for myself, away from anything that could ruin it.”

“We get it, JJ,” John B nods, shooting a look to Kie but she ignores it.

“I don’t.” She scoffs. “We’re your best friends. You should’ve told us.”

“I didn’t want to,” JJ sighs. “Like I said, I needed to grow this relationship on my own and that’s what I’ve done. I have such a strong relationship because of my way of going about it.”

“And you’ve just been okay with this?” Kiara asks, sending you a very unnecessary glare.

“Of course I've been okay with this!” you exclaim, defensively sitting up a little. JJ’s hands shift to your hips. “Why wouldn’t I respect JJ and his wishes?”

Kiara’s mouth drops open then and you can see her trying to find a way to respond, to argue, but you know there’s no argument.

“Kie,” JJ sighs, “I apologize but I’m not sorry.”

“You should’ve told us! Especially if she’s so important to you.”

“Kie, he literally just explained his reasoning to us!” Pope exclaims. “And it makes sense. The things we go through, especially JJ? Why wouldn’t he want to keep it to himself? The less people know about things the better they always end up.”

John B frowns when he notices how tense you’ve become, nestled between his legs and in his hold. Your face has taken on that stoic, passive, look you had when he first met you and he feels bad. You and JJ both looked so relaxed when they first spotted you and now you’re both just so rigid and uncomfortable looking that he’s not sure what he can do to make it better. Sarah notices it too and she scoots closer to you and rests her hand on your leg just below your knee. You smile at her and place your hand atop hers.

“I know we’re best friends,” JJ continues, looking at everyone before looking directly at Kie, ”but, you have to understand this has nothing to do with you. You’ve had everything you’ve ever wanted and needed your whole life, I never once had that. y/n has been the first thing like that for me.”

Kiara nods then, still looking apprehensive but she looks more willing to listen now. The fight visibly leaves her body and JJ relaxes then. And when JJ relaxes, so do you.

“How did you guys meet, then?” Kie asks, her eyes calculating but you can tell she’s trying.

“I was running from Rafe one day, a few years ago. And he bumped into her and I had to protect her,” JJ explains, puffing out his chest. Your jaw drops in disbelief and Sarah starts to laugh. You turn to look at JJ and he just gives you an innocent look, biting his bottom lip. “What?”

“That’s definitely not what I heard!” Sarah continues laughing, your indignant face hitting her funny bone.

JJ presses a kiss to your cheek and tells the true story of how you met, the same one you told Sarah on the beach the other week. His voice rises in pitch as he gets excited to talk about this with his best friends. The higher octave almost makes you laugh but you keep it to yourself and bask in the elation that’s rolling off of him in waves. He doesn’t get to talk about your relationship very often but when he does he gets so excited, his eyes get a little wide and he speaks faster than his normal drawl. And that’s exactly what’s happening now and you absolutely love it. His friends watch him with wide smiles on their faces, their happiness for him radiating off them brightly. JJ’s heart races against your back and his hands move wildly in front of you as he explains the story and goes into detail of how you got Rafe to leave him alone.

He easily moves onto how you then became friends, became friends that kissed, became friends that occasionally had sex, then eventually became friends that fell in love. He explains it like he’s explaining his favorite comfort movie and it brings you comfort to listen to him. JJ’s friends continue to watch in awe at the fact that JJ is so happy and that he’s clearly found someone that understands him- all of him. Someone that lets him be himself and supports him through the things in his life. There’s a childlike glee to him that they haven’t really seen since they were actual children and it makes them happy. JJ has always struggled and it’s good to see him finally not. It’s very clear that you’ve been there to help him grow, to help him become the stronger person he is today.

John B could probably cry if he let himself as he watches his best friend basically glow right in front of him. And when he looks at you, and sees how content you are to just be there he knows that JJ has been to you what you’ve been to him. He can tell you’ve heard these stories before but you still sit there with a small smile on your lips as you mindlessly play with the hand JJ gave you. Your eyes close at one point and it catches JJ’s attention momentarily but all he does is slightly shift his body so you fall more comfortably into his chest. He pauses for a second to kiss your temple before continuing on with his current story and John B lets out a breathless laugh, one that’s echoed by Pope at the same time, but JJ ignores them. John B is pretty sure he’s never seen two people so in love.

By the end of the night, you end up around the fire outside of the chateau with everyone like you’ve been a part of their friend group from the very beginning. They tease you and drag you like they do with JJ. They include you in conversation and make sure you feel welcomed within them- even Kie. They make you feel safe and you can see why JJ loves this group of people as much as he does. Their energy is high and they feed off of one another to keep each going. It’s nice. JJ looks happy and that’s all you ever really want for him.

You and JJ end up in the hammock together, half on top of him and half beside him, asleep. The sun of the day paired with how early you’d gotten up today made sleep come to you pretty much the moment you got yourself horizontal. You were completely content with JJ breathing evenly underneath you, his body warm and keeping you even warmer. His hands soothe over your back in comforting circles to help keep you asleep through the chatter of his friends.

The past few months have been jarring and overly exhausting but you and JJ have pulled through. You knew that you would, you always do, but you’re happy that everything is evening back out again. And you’re stronger now than you were a few months ago and that’s what truly matters. At this point you know that you and JJ can work through anything as long as you don’t give up on one another. As long as you continue to love each other as deeply as you do.

The group settles down when they finally notice that you’ve fallen asleep;  taking on whispers and giggles instead. They quiet down as they watch JJ watch you, watch as one of his hands fiddles with a strand of your hair and the other traces soothing circles on your back.

“You happy, JJ?” John B asks when the lull in conversation stretches on. JJ takes a second but eventually he looks up from you and makes contact with each of his friends. He nods.

“Yeah,” he smiles and tips his head down to press his lips against your forehead. You press further into him. “I am.”

His friends smile at him. “Good. That’s all we ever want.” Kie says.

And then they all continue on with their night like nothing ever changed. Like there’s not another person who’s going to be joining them for the foreseeable future.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

please feed my narcissism

A second COVID wave has taken out the healthcare system. There are no more hospital beds. There's an oxygen shortage. There's a critical vaccine shortage. The Central Government has thrown its hands up and is passing the baton to the State Governments to do what they can.

There are over 16 million covid cases. A record 330,000 new cases reported yesterday - comparable to the US at its peak. 187,000 dead as of today.

There is no plan.

Mass cremations are taking place. The cremation grounds are running day and night and they are short on wood. People are watching their loved ones die while waiting for a hospital bed, and then they're unable to give them the proper burial rights.

Hospitals are overwhelmed. Patients are being confined, two to a bed. They're the lucky ones.

We are on the verge of people dying in the streets.

This is the second-most populous country in the world. The largest democracy. A country that encapsulates over 15,000 years of recorded human history and has endured everything from famine to invasion to colonisation.

We might be at the end. This might be the thing that does us in.

People are dying.

People are dying.

People are dying and there is no plan.

More good news? Variants are popping up. A double mutation strain has shown up. It is resistant to current vaccines. This will not go away. This is the devastation they warned of when the anti-maskers were out protesting the minor inconvenience of covering their face in public.

My country is on the verge of an emergency state. Our government has failed us. This is as dire a situation as it ever could be.

Look. I don't do much with my life. I write fics, some of you have read them and that's pretty much it. I spend my days with my head in the clouds because that's where I like to be.

But two days ago, my grandmother tested positive, had to be taken to hospital and the ambulance caught fire.

She barely made it to the urgent care she needs.

So, here I am, using whatever meager platform I have to cobble this request together. Because I have to do something.

If you can, donate.

Or spread the word.