what is beef, if not cow perservering?

“It’s the red one.” You informed him, making his face turn a color nearly identical to the suit in question.

“I remember that one from Spring Break last year. I don’t stand a chance.” He signed back. You shared a smile with him before making eye contact with MJ in the mirror. She’d been watching the whole exchange in a rear view mirror with a knowing smirk.

“What?” You asked her, but you already knew what she was thinking.

“Nothing.” She shrugged. “I just think you guys are cute.”

“I second that.” Ned chimed in from your left side. You looked over at him for butting in, and he stopped mid chew of his gummy bears to stare back at you.

“Both of you be quiet. You know how well Peter can read lips.” You said out of the corner of your mouth.

“He’s not looking.” MJ replied after checking on Peter in the rearview mirror. He was back to looking out the window and letting the sun warm his face.

“Still. I don’t like taking about him as if he’s not right here.” You reminded them.

“Okay. You’re right. We’ll stop.” Ned said and held up his hands in defense. He held his gummy bears out to you as a peace offering, and you took a few while narrowing your eyes at him. The car was silent for a moment, aside from the quiet music MJ was playing from her phone.

“But you should probably just date him, right?” Ned said to break the silence. You threw a gummy bear at his head in response, catching Peter’s attention.

“What are you guy talking about?” He signed to you and Ned.

“How MJ and I want you two to date.” Ned said out loud while signing. He then pointed to you and Peter so there was zero confusion about what he was talking about.

“Were you really?” Peter signed to Ned in your peripheral vision.

“No. He’s joking.” You signed to Peter before turning back to Ned to throw two more gummy bears at his head.

Ned pelted one back, and soon a full on war started in MJ’s backseat. Peter pulled you closer to him and wrapped an arm around you to swat the bears away from your face. You laughed and leaned closer to Peter to get away from the flying bears, all while very much aware of how good it felt to be close to Peter.

As soon as MJ parked at the dock of the lake, you were out of the car to stretch your legs. Peter scooped up your things, despite your protests, and carried them to the lake. Ned dropped his stuff on the sand and ran straight to the water, with MJ and a boogie board right behind him. You and Peter hung back to set up your umbrella and towels, sneaking glances at each other in your bathing suits the entire time you did.

“Can you rub this on my back? Can’t reach.” Peter signed to you before handing you a bottle of sunscreen. Your eyes dropped to the bottle and a loud gulp escaped your throat. He had that cocky look in his eye he had from time to time when he knew he was being cute.

“That depends. Can you ignore how turned on I’ll be while I do it?” You signed back, making sure your face conveyed the teasing manner of your response.

“Why would I ignore that?” Peter teased back before turning his back to you.

You began to rub the lotion into his skin, which was already warmed from the blazing sun. The quiet intimacy of touching his skin in this way gave you a rush of emotions. Part of you yearned to turn him around and tell him that you longed to be more than friends, but the other part of you was grateful to have him in your life the way things were. Unbeknownst to you, Peter’s face was flushed from having your hands on him. A lack of communications and a mutual desire to preserve your friendship led to you and Peter never admitting your feelings to one another. You finished applying sunscreen to Peter’s back, taking a little longer than needed.

“If I get a sunburn, you’re getting sued.” Peter signed to you once he turned around. You rolled your eyes at him and started applying sunscreen to his chest. He could do it himself, and you both knew that. And yet, neither of you did anything to change what was happening.

“I’ve seen you get a sunburn inside. You have no grounds to sue me.” You signed to him after setting the sunscreen bottle down in the sand.

“Maybe I’ll get a tan this time.” He signed back and gave a sarcastic shrug.

“That’s a sight I’d like to see.” You answered with the smile.

“Then put your towel next to mine.” Peter signed with his signature flirty smile. You smiled back and flung your towel out to lay next to where Peter had put his.

“Where else would I put it?” You signed before laying down on the towel.

You laid on your front and Peter on his back, heads turned respectively so you could look at each other. You played a few games of tic tac toe in the sand and beat Peter each time. He focused more on blocking you than getting three in a row, so he always lost. After a few games, you both laid back on your towels to get warmed by the sun. Like a perfect movie cliche, you played a game of eye tag and snuck glances at the other, but only when the other wasn’t looking. On your fourth stolen glance at Peter, you noticed a couple waking up to you.

“Excuse us?” One of the girls asked. “Would you mind taking our picture?”

“Oh, of course.” You said and sat up to take the phone that the other girl was holding out. You snapped away and gave them a variety of camera angles and orientations before giving the phone back.

“Thank you so much.” The girl said. “Do you and your boyfriend want a picture?”

You smiled at her mistaking you two for a couple and gently tapped Peter to get his attention. He opened his eyes and sat up on his towel.

“Want a picture?” You asked Peter. He nodded his head and moved over to your towel. You handed the girls your phone while Peter wrapped on arm around your shoulders. You smiled and leaned into him while wrapping two arms around his waist. The girls snapped a few pictures before handing your phone back.

“You guys are a sweet couple.” One of them said, making you smile once again.

“So are you two.” You returned the compliment instead of correcting them. They waved goodbye to you and Peter, unaware of how happy their mistake made you.

“What’s funny?” Peter asked once they were gone.

“Those girls thought you were my boyfriend.” You signed to Peter before pretending to throw up. His jaw playfully dropped and he gave you a gentle shove.

“If I was your boyfriend, you would have let me win at least one game. Out of your love for me.” Peter signed back before pointing to one of your games of tic tac toe.

“And yet, I love you despite how bad you are at games meant for children.” You replied. Peter rolled his eyes at you and looked towards the water before you could catch his blush.

“I’m going in the water. Are you coming?” He signed to you before standing up.

“I don’t know. It looks cold.”

“It does. Let’s find out if it is.” He signed and then promptly scooped you up from your towel. You tried to wriggle out of his grasp, but he was too strong. He carried you to the edge of the water and gently dropped you on the sand before running in. He motioned for you to follow him as the frigid lake water lapped over your feet.

As cold as the water was, Peter looked too good not to join him. And so, you gingerly stepped into the water and made your way to him until you were both waist deep. Peter wasted no time in grabbing you by the waist and pulling you deeper into the water. You laughed and splashed him until he let go of you. Ned and MJ weren’t far from you, but neither of you felt inclined to leave the little bubble you’d created. You intertwined both your hands and faced each other in an attempt to overpower the other. Peter ultimately won and you fell backwards into the water, making sure to take him with you. He collided into you and you both went under, feeling his hands on your skin the whole way down. When you came up for air, you rested your hands on his shoulders to catch your breath.

“Are you cold?” He asked you as his teeth chattered.

“Not at all.” You signed back and then promptly put your hands back on his shoulders. You were too busy admiring the way droplets of water clung to his eyelashes to feel the chill of the lake.

“Me either.” He signed, but you knew from his face that he was joking. You smiled at him and stayed in comfortable silence for a moment, just enjoying each other’s company under the beating sun.

“I’m excited for this summer. There’s a lot I want to do together.” He signed to you, making your heart skip a beat.

“Together?” You signed with a smile.

“Yeah. I like seeing you in the sunshine.”

“I like seeing you in all kinds of lighting. I think I just like seeing you.” You responded with a soft smile. To your relief, Peter returned the smile, giving you hope that maybe he felt the same.

“I like seeing you too.” He signed back, making your hope grow just a little more. He was so close to you now and the rest of the world was miles away. You gulped and tightened your grip on his shoulders, wondering if you were finally going to ruin the friendship and be something more. Peter’s face suddenly changed as if he remembered something he didn’t want to. He gulped and backed up a little, causing your arms to limply fall off of him.

“I’m getting cold. I’m gonna dry off.” He signed and quickly swam back to the shore. You watched him in confusion, wondering what went through his mind that made him pull away. You shrugged it off and went to going MJ and Ned, but the sight of his face falling stayed in the back of your mind.

A few hours later, you and your friends were at an outdoor bar populated by the other college students with the same idea to escape the city. You were sat next to Peter as Ned tried to convince the DJ to play Katseye and MJ danced with a local girl. You drummed the beat of the song playing on Peter’s arm while you both surveyed the crowd. No matter the setting, you both had more fun when it was just the two of you.

“Can I try a sip?” Peter asked you after watching you take a sip of your drink. You handed it over to him and laughed when he gagged after one small sip.

“What is that?”

“I don’t know. But I think it would take my nail color off if I dipped my finger in it.” You signed in response. Peter took your hand to examine your nails before ultimately shaking his head.

“Don’t try it. Your nails look too pretty to be floating on top of that battery acid.” He signed once he let go of your hand. You narrowed your eyes at him as you wracked your brain for the meaning of one of the things he signed. You sighed “again” and shook your head to let him know you didn’t understand. Peter finger spelled “battery acid” out for you and you laughed when you realized what he had said.

“Thank you for teaching me.” You signed to him.

“Thank you for always wanting to learn.” He signed back and then squeezed your shoulder affectionately. You had another one of those moments where you stared at each other with dopey smiles, only interrupted by a waitress coming over to your table.

“Can I get either of you anything?” She asked while looking at both of you. You asked Peter if he wanted anything to drink and he nodded.

“Could I please have a diet Coke with a lemon in it?” Peter ordered and you translated it for the waitress.

“Is a lime okay?” The waitress asked you. Once you asked Peter the same question, he nodded and smiled at the waitress. But much to your irritation, the waitress was no longer looking at him now that she realized he was Deaf.

“Can you ask him if he wants any alcohol in the coke?” She asked you.

“You can ask him. I know I’m the one interpreting, but you should look at him if you have a question for him. You know, since he’s the one you’re talking to.” You said in as polite a tone you could muster. The waitress gave you a fake polite smile and repeated her question to Peter. You signed after she spoke and he shook his head no in response. He had a half smile on his face because even though your back was to him, he knew exactly what you had said to the waitress. When she walked away, he gave you a knowing look. You pretended not to know what he was talking about.

“You totally told her off.” He signed with a teasing smile.

“No, I politely corrected her. Just because you can’t hear her doesn’t mean she can’t look at you.” You signed with a prolonged roll of your eyes.

“At least she didn’t shout at me and think it would magically make me hearing.” Peter replied, making you laugh. That was something you’d witnessed people do more times than you thought possible. You gave Peter’s leg a pat and stood up from the table.

“Where are you going?”

“To pay our tab. When I start to think about the scene in the beginning of Titanic when they show a dog boarding the ship and I get emotional about how he probably died, I know I’ve hit my drink limit.” You told him. Peter reached for his wallet and tried to hand you money to cover his portion of drinks.

“Put that away. I’m buying.”

“No way. Pretty girls are not supposed to buy drink. Pretty girls should have drinks bought for them.” He signed to you, making you smile at the indirect compliment.

“Then what do the pretty boys get?” You questioned.

“Flustered when the pretty girls compliment them.” He responded with a pink blush now present on his face.

“Stay here.” You instructed and left for the bar. As you waited for a bar tender to come over so you could settle your bill, a guy in Bermuda shorts and a tiny tank top approached you.

“Hey.” He said, and you politely returned the greeting.

“Can I ask you a question?” He asked, making you frown a little at the thought of what he could possibly ask.

“Um, sure.”

“Did I get a sunburn?” He asked before turning around. Sure enough, the man’s back looked like a red Starburst.

“Oh. Oh wow.” You said through a laugh. “That is pink.”

“I’ll take that as a yes.” He sighed. “My back feels like TV static.”

“Well it looks like you just escaped the air fryer. Did you wear sunscreen at all?”

“Yes. Everywhere on myself that I could reach.” He said and held out his unburned arms.

“Looks like you’re gonna be sleeping on your front for the next few weeks.” You clicked your tongue.

“Damn it. At least I’ll have a really tan back afterwards. Girls like that, right?” He asked, making you laugh.

“Maybe some of them do.” You shrugged and turned back to the bar.

“Let me buy you a drink.” The guy said, the very words you were hoping not to hear. He seemed nice enough, but you were too enamored with Peter to entertain anyone else.

“Thank you, but I’m okay.”

“That’s cool. Self-sufficient. Could I trouble you for a dance then?”

“Maybe later. I’m with my friends right now.” You answered and nodded in the direction of your table. You could see that MJ and Ned had returned to the table and were all staring at you. You gave them a little wave, and Peter was the only one that didn’t wave back.

“That’s okay. If you change your mind, my sunburn and I would love to have a dance.” He replied and then left you alone. You paid your tab after that and headed back to your table.

“Thank you for the drink.” Peter signed and then held up the Diet Coke with lime the waitress had brought him.

“I only paid because I’m trying to take you home.” You signed in response.

“It’s working.” He replied, and you pretended to fan yourself.

“What did that guy want?” Ned asked you and pointed his thumb back towards the bar. You stole a glance at Peter, but he had an unreadable expression on his face.

“He asked me to dance. But I said I wasn’t interested.”

“Why not?” MJ asked you. “He’s cute and he’s been looking at you all night.”

“I hadn’t noticed.“ You answered, which was the truth. You’d been too busy hanging out with Peter to notice the guy.

“If MJ thinks he’s cute, then you know it’s true.” Ned snorted. “Only the finest men can penetrate her lesbian field of vision. She doesn’t even register men are around half the time.”

“That’s true. I didn’t know Ned was here until five minutes ago.” MJ shrugged.

“Not a good enough reason to use the word penetrate.” You said while shaking your head.

“I think you should go for it. Go dance with the penetrative lake guy.” Ned told you.

“But I’m here with you all.” You insisted. You all signed as you spoke so Peter was included in the conversation, but he didn’t choose to participate until he signed, “I think you should go for it.”

You blinked a few times in surprise while Ned and MJ made faces behind Peter’s back. You were stunned and a little hurt that he would suggest you dance with another guy.

“You do?” You signed with a forced smile.

“Why wouldn’t you?” He questioned. “He’s interested in you and you don’t have a boyfriend. You should go for it.”

You knew you had to get out of there before you made it obvious how upset you were by his encouragement. You had too many drink to keep your subtly, and Ned and MJ were looking at you like the could read your mind.

“Okay. I guess I have no reason not to dance with him. I’ll go.” You signed and promptly stood up. You left quickly and went right up to the sunburned guy, whose name you soon learned was Eddie.

Eddie brought you to the dance floor right as the DJ decided to play a slow song. You wrapped your arms around Eddie’s neck, careful not to touch his burnt skin, but left enough room for Jesus between you. As you danced with him, all you could think about was your interactions with Peter from the day. You had tried to brush off his sudden departure from the water earlier, but now he was actively encouraging you to dance with other guys. It just didn’t make any sense to you. Over Eddie’s shoulder, you caught a glimpse of Peter at the table. His eyes are locked in on you, which only made you more confused. You quickly looked away and did your best to focus on the guy you were dancing with.

“Why did you tell her to go over there?“ Ned signed to Peter back at the table.

“She can do whatever she wants. It’s not like we’re together.” Peter signed back with a pout on his face.

“Aren’t you, though?” MJ asked him, making Peter look away. He looked back at you and Eddie, and his heart nearly shattered when he saw that you were laughing. Ned and MJ could see the look on Peter’s face and exchanged a sympathetic look.

“She didn’t want to go dance with him.” Ned reminded him.

“Then why is she?” Peter signed with the angriest expression his friends had ever seen on his face.

Back on the dance floor, previously friendly Eddie was getting ahead of himself. He leaned in for a kiss right when you least expected it, but you were too quick. You pulled away with expert timing, but not fast enough to go unnoticed by your friends. You shot a panicked glance at their table, just in time to see Peter leaving the bar area. You looked at your friends curiously, but they just gave you unhelpful shrugs.

“Excuse me.” You said to Eddie and made a quick escape. You headed in the same direction you saw Peter leave in but didn’t see him anywhere. After a few minutes of searching along the shore of the lake, you found him sitting on a hill of sand. He didn’t look up at you when you sat down beside him, but you knew he knew you were there.

“I was looking for you.” You signed to him, but his distant expression stayed the same.

“Here I am.” He unenthusiastically signed back.

“Why did you leave the party?”

“Too loud.” He signed with a sarcastic but weak smile on his face. You gave him a tight smile in return before turning to watch the moonlight dance in the lake. You decided to leave him talk to you when he was ready. After a few minutes, he turned to face you with a sadness is his brown eyes.

“Did you kiss that guy?” He asked you.

“No way. I pulled my head away so fast that I think I pulled a muscle.” You responded, making an involuntary smile tug at Peter’s lips.

“Why didn’t you let him kiss you?”

“Because I didn’t want him to kiss me. I didn’t even want to dance with him.”

“Then why did you?”

“You didn’t give me a reason not to.” You signed back as you stared at him with furrowed eyebrows. In the heat of your conversation, you hadn’t realized how close you and Peter were to each other. His eyes dropped to your lips just long enough for you to notice. All his weird behavior from the day could be excused if he finally crossed the line and took your relationship beyond a friendship.

“Did you want a reason?” He asked you before resting his hand on your knee. You looked down at his hand and then up in his eyes. If he wasn’t going to cross the line, you were. You finally made the move you’d been waiting to make and leaned in to kiss him. But just like you’d done to Eddie, Peter pulled away.

Peter looked horrified at his own behavior while you just looked stunned. You were almost positive you saw the moonlight reflecting off tears that had welled in his eyes, but you didn’t point them out.

“I’m so sorry.” He signed to you, and then ran away.

It was awkward on the car ride home. MJ hadn’t been drinking and no one wanted to stay in a hotel room, so you made the two hour drive home. You kept your head straight the entire way, never once looking at Peter.

It was awkward at school too. Peter had decided to take the route of pretending nothing ever happened between you. He seemed perfectly content to operate as if the day at the lake was just that and nothing heartbreaking or life altering had taken place. You didn’t dare tell Ned or MJ what transpired on that little hill of sand, but they could sense there was an iciness between the two of you. On top of pretending nothing ever happened, you and Peter were the most distant you had ever been. You felt like strangers more than ever before and it was killing you slowly. What killed you most of all was how okay he seemed to be with it. After a week of dancing around each other, you reached your limit. When you passed him in the hallway at school, you grabbed him by the shirt and shoved him into the nearest supply closet.

“What is wrong with you?” He signed with tight knit eyebrows. “That was a hate crime.”

“Are we seriously going to pretend like nothing happened?” You furiously signed back.

“What do you mean?”

You stated at him in bewilderment and he instantly looked guilty. He knew his behavior was wrong. He’d known it since he left you in the water at the lake. Standing in front of you now, neither you could ignore the question that was begging to be answered. What would happen if you were more?

“I think we should just be friends.” Peter signed without meeting your eyes. It sent a wave of mixed emotions through your body. Part of you was relieved to finally know how he felt, but the other part of you was flatlining. You both stayed quiet for a minute and looked at anything but each other.

“This whole time, I was worried if I finally went for it and kissed you, it would ruin our friendship. Now it’s ruined anyway, and we never even kissed.” You signed as you looked up to try and beg the tears in your eyes not to fall. Now that all these things were coming out, you could never put them back in.

“I know. I’ve been worried about ruining what we have too. But I should’ve kissed you anyway.” He signed, piquing your interest. Your eyebrows knit together as you stared at him. Once again, he was being as clear as a jar of ink.

“Why would you kiss me if you don’t feel the same?”

“I do feel the same. I think I fell for you the day we met.” He confessed. A second wave of mixed emotions washed over you. You were so confused by the discrepancy in Peter’s words and actions, but he had finally told you how he felt about you. It was a start.

“But you just said we should just be friends.”

“I do think we just be friends. But that’s never been what I wanted.” He answered. You gave him a look that told him you had absolutely no idea what he was talking about.

“Staying friends is safe.” He signed, making you a little fearful that he could read your mind. You’d thought the same thing yourself many times.

“What does that mean?” You asked him. Peter pulled his bottom lip between his teeth before letting out a deep sigh. He looked widely uncomfortable, so much so that you nearly stopped him and told him to forget the whole thing. But you’d already gotten this far and did not want to turn back now.

“Do you remember when I told you about my ex girlfriend from high school?” He asked, making your stomach do a flip. You remembered a brief mention of her, but you were never given many details.

“I never told you why we broke up.” He continued.

“What does this have to do with us?”

“It will make sense. Let me explain. Please?” He requested, so you nodded your head.

“When we were together, my ex invited me to dinner with her family to celebrate her birthday. It was my first time meeting her family and I could tell she was getting very irritated that she kept having to translate. She eventually stopped. She just turned her body from me and pretended I wasn’t there. Most of her family did the same.”

It was hard to keep a straight face as Peter relayed this to you. You wanted to cry for him. The thought of him sitting alone at a table full of people with no one making an effort to include him, not even his own girlfriend, made you sick.

“I hate her already.” You signed. “But go on.”

“At one point, I started to tell a story to her family. She asked me to slow down so she could keep up and translate. And then asked me again. And then again. Then she slammed her hands on the table and yelled at me.”

“What did she say?”

“I have no idea. I wasn’t that good at reading lips yet.” Peter signed with a sad smile. You could tell he was reliving the memory of that night, so you put a hand on his cheek to comfort him. He leaned into your hand and wrapped his fingers around your wrist. He wasn’t crying, but looked very close to it.

“You never told me this before.” You signed to him.

“It’s hard for me to talk about.” He answered, but you could see that without him needing to tell you.

“I appreciate you telling me now. Are you okay telling me happened next?”

“She realized the whole restaurant was staring at her since she yelled, so she ran out. When I went after her, she told me she didn’t want to be a translator for the rest of her life. She said it would be too hard to stay together because we were too different. Then she said some other things, but I couldn’t read her lips and she stopped signing. I guess I’ll never know. I did understand when she told me to leave the restaurant. We have not spoken since.”

You both sat with his confession for a long time. Finally, you pulled him into an even longer hug. He held you tightly and nestled into your shoulder. You held him as long as he needed it.

“I’m not telling you this to excuse my behavior towards you for the last week. There is no excuse for that. I am truly very sorry.” Peter signed to you once he let go. You waved your hand to show him that that was in the past now. Even though it didn’t justify his behavior, you had a deeper understanding of him that helped you understand his hesitation to enter another relationship.

“There are words I want to say right now that I don’t know the signs for. And they are really bad words.” You told him, making him laugh softly.

“I can guess.”

“Do you want me to kill her?” You asked him, and he pretended to consider it.

“No. That’s okay. I have forgiven her. Just not to her face.”

“How can you forgive her? She was horrible to you. That story just kept getting worse.”

“She should have done a lot of things very differently. But I can understand feeling frustrated by not being able to communicate with your partner. We were too different. So I forgive her.”

“You can forgive her, but I’m hunting her down and jumping her as soon as we leave this closet.” You informed him. He halfheartedly laughed but there was still a sadness in his eyes.

“I feel horrible for how I’ve been treating you. You must be so confused. I meant it when I said I fell for you the day we met. And I have always wanted more with you. I was just so afraid that if we dated, I would make you feel the same way she did. And now, I have.”

“I’m not her. I know we are different. That does not matter to me.”

“But what if one day it does?” He asked. “What if you get tired of having to translate everything for me the rest of your life?”

“What if a meteor hits the earth right now? What if I discover I’m a secret genius and invent a nasal spray that actually works and doesn’t just make you cough? What if I kill your ex and make it look like an accident? Where you did you say she lived?”

“I am being serious.” He insisted. “I care about you too much to hurt you.”

“The only time you have hurt me is when you dodged my kiss. Because it was going to be a really good one.” You signed with a slight teasing smile on your lips to lighten the mood. It was enough to break through Peter’s melancholy and smile back, even if it was just a little.

“I bet it was.” He signed back with his eyes on your lips. You were feeling highly inclined to forgive Peter for his behavior and took a step closer to him.

“You’ll never know.” You signed with a look on your face that said “your loss.”

“I want to know. But I don’t want to subject you to a life of not understanding each other every time.”

“Does any couple understand each other every time?” You asked him. This seemed to stump Peter and you felt proud for asking such a thought provoking question. Since you could tell you had the upper hand, you decided to double down.

“Even when I don’t understand you, I understand you. Even when you don’t understand me, you understand me. And if we have moments where we don’t understand each other, that would make us no different from any other couple.“ You continued. Peter’s face showed that he was thoughtfully considering what you were saying. You knew he knew you were right, but you wanted to see if he was going to do anything about it.

“But maybe you’re right. Maybe staying friends is safe.” You signed and then reached for the door. You were quickly pulled back by your waist, which Peter had wrapped one arm around. He used the other arm to press the door shut behind you, pressing you up against it in the process.

“That doesn’t mean we should.” He signed before finally and officially ruining your friendship with a long-awaited kiss.

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