And there was this one guy I talked with who seemed super sharp, but had virtually zero experience writing software. When it came time to do the show-n-tell part of the interview he whips out his laptop, brings up a website, and spins it around to show me what he made.

A website of tiny ceramic frogs.

Not for sale. Just… all these ceramic frogs, organized into categories. Frogs on bicycles, frogs with hats, frogs sitting on lily pads. It was a virtual museum of ceramic frogs in web form.

I scrolled through his online collection of frogs, slightly baffled.

“This is your website?” I asked finally.

“Yep!”

“You coded this yourself?” I popped into view-source mode and poked around some incredibly well-formatted, well-commented html. I nodded slowly. This guy was meticulous.

“Yep!”

“So… where’d all the frogs come from?”

“I made those too,” he says, beaming. 

And while I’m processing this he rummages in his bag and pulls out a little ceramic frog working at a computer terminal. He places it on the table before us, next to the laptop.

“And THIS one,” he says, “I made for you! As a thank you for the interview.”

It was adorable. I hired him on the spot. I mean, why not? Worst case he’d wash out in 90 days and we’d hire somebody else. He turned out to be one of the best developers on our team. 

GIRL WHO YOU HAVEN'T TALKED TO IN MONTHS -- It's not that I hate her. We were really close before, now we're not, and now she wants to be close again, but I don't want that.

SOCIETAL INDUCTION [medium: success] -- She believes herself.

"mhm"

"right"

"are you sure you really mean that?"

"and how does that make you feel?"

YOU -- and how does that make you feel?

GIRL WHO YOU HAVEN'T TALKED TO IN MONTHS -- Mostly I look down on her. We were together for months and she never put in the effort to improve. She would say she was getting better but she never would actually try.

FOREGONE CONCLUSION -- she could be describing you.

GODDESS COMPLEX [easy: success] -- She's not talking about you. You grow and change much faster than this. And even if you weren't growing, you could convince her that you were. It'd be easy.

SYMPHONICS -- mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

FLAWED SENSORIUM -- There's a hand inside your stomach. It's clawing to get out. It keeps pushing and grabbing and pressing. It's against your stomach lining. It wants to get out. It's digging upward through your throat. Trying desperately to get out. It's almost there. When it crests it will hurt like everything's wrong.

CLOCKWORK SOUL -- Almost ten seconds (9.7) have passed. Respond.

"yeah"

"mhm"

"it sounds like you could be talking about me"

"have you never felt that way before?"

YOU -- mhm

SACRIFICIAL LAMB -- i shouldnt be talking to her like this i really hate myself

THANATOPHILIA -- None of this matters. There's no point to doing anything.

VITREOUS TEMPERAMENT [medium: failure] -- You don't know for sure that she's in the wrong. You're lacking so much information. For all you know, she could be in the right. Everything she says to you could be totally justified. You have no right to judge her.

GIRL WHO YOU HAVEN'T TALKED TO IN MONTHS -- It's not really even that she wants to be close. She always reaches out when she gets like this. Ignores what last happened and tries to pretend that she'll be better even when she knows she won't be.

TRIUMPHANT LOSER -- you should 'close' these dms and stop talking to her.

PATTERN MATCHING [hard: success] -- you know what she's talking about you've done this before you'll do this again and again and again and again and again and again

MARQUESS DE SADE -- Huh. She genuinely lacks the self-awareness to see her own role in any of this. It'd take a bit of work, but you could show her some real empathy, here. Teach her exactly what she did wrong. Show her what's going on.

PRINCIPLE OF EXPLOSION -- you don't know that to be true. you don't know anything to be true. you only know what you know. nothing more. nothing less. tell her that.

CLOCKWORK SOUL [trivial: success] -- It's been almost thirty seconds (28.5). If you send a long enough message, it'll seem like you've been genuinely thinking and you can recover this.

"mhm"

"kill yourself"

[PRINCIPLE OF EXPLOSION - Hard] tell her exactly what's going on.

[MARQUESS DE SADE - Challenging] Stab the knife.

PRINCIPLE OF EXPLOSION [hard: success] -- you see what's going on here. you talked to her a while ago, too, so you have some insider information to draw from. you've been in both of their footsteps, too. you just need to employ a little thought. add a qualifier just in case.

FLAWED SENSORIUM -- There's mold on your walls. Black and rotten. There's mold all around you. The proof is in the flies. You can hear them all around you jeering. Buzzing everywhere. Can't kill them fast enough. But until you do something about the mold, the flies will only get worse. You'll have to sleep with them there too. But until then, you're still breathing in mold.

ETHICS ENGINE [easy: failure] -- it goes against your few remaining morals to vindicate her on this, but that doesn't matter.

FOR THIRTY SECONDS [medium: success] -- HOLD YOUR BREATH. PRESS SEND.

YOU -- i get the impression she's mostly just desperate for another connection. she knows the feelings she wants and remembers having them with you but doesn't respect you enough to want to have those conversations.

YOU -- that is to say, she's mostly just reacting. and you can't handle that because you see everything she's constantly throwing away.

ARITHMETICS -- this message was sent at 11:59. these digits add up to 16. these digits add up to 7. 7 is the 4th prime number. 4 4s can construct any number. 4+sqrt(4)+4/4=7. (sqrt(4)*4!-4)/4=11. 4!/.4-4/4=59. everything makes sense.

GIRL WHO YOU HAVEN'T TALKED TO IN MONTHS -- Thank you. I like talking about these things with you because you get it.

TRIUMPHANT LOSER -- 'get it', get it? get it like the joke. the joke that you're not getting.

SOCIETAL INDUCTION [medium: success] -- That's a genuine compliment. You've received compliments like this before. It becomes increasingly statistically likely that you have an actual talent for this kind of thing. You're good at this.

DERMATILLOMANIA - skinpicked clean it came off clean so veryclean and now it hurts hurts hurts but atleast it'sclean and maybe it'll growanice scab or maybe it'll just be smoothforeverandever

GODDESS COMPLEX -- Of course you're good at this. You built your entire self about this kind of thing. Defined by negation. Crafted by construction. Perfect and resplendent.

"i try."

"thank you"

"do you really mean that?"

YOU -- i try.

GIRL WHO YOU HAVEN'T TALKED TO IN MONTHS -- I admit I also hate the way she talks about it. Always presenting herself as the victim. She doesn't even say it. When she was moving out, she spent hours unpacking. Going slowly, messing up on purpose, and dragging it out as long as possible. She kept looking at us. Begging us with her eyes.

VITREOUS TEMPERAMENT -- oh

THE MASK SPEAKS -- It's still your victory. She's never going to figure out your true feelings about any of this. You sent only a single real message and still you've led her around by her nose. You win.

PATTERN MATCHING [trivial: success] -- you'll be thinking about this for weeks because you're a terrible failure of a human being

WEAR THE MASK [hard: success] -- nothing has changed. face muscles like rubber. if you don't move, no one will see you.

"yeah."

YOU - yeah.

FLAWED SENSORIUM -- There's a dripping in the distance. The sink is still running. You forgot to turn the tap off all the way. Or possibly the fridge has a leak. If it has a leak you'll have to replace it. Fridges can explode if they have leaks. You saw that in a video. It was a science video.

GIRL WHO YOU HAVEN'T TALKED TO IN MONTHS - Ugh. Thank you for talking with me about this.

THANATOPHILIA -- just say it already and let everything will be over.

SOCIETAL INDUCTION -- Let the conversation reach a natural conclusion.

"ok"

"kill yourself"

"i hope this talk helped you figure things out."

YOU - i hope this talk helped you figure things out.

EFFECTIVE RANGE [easy: success] -- the expired bottle of pills would still be on the table within arms reach if you hadn't thrown it away last week.

GIRL WHO YOU HAVEN'T TALKED TO IN MONTHS - It did. See you around.