Lover of Tragedy

tyrion implements a tax system to make things more interesting and fights cersei over the cat for a solid ten minutes.

around thirty minutes into the game, catelyn realizes that she has free will and stops paying taxes.

arya and sansa haggle over new york avenue, which ends up being bought by theon. this causes the two to completely cast aside their differences, ally and subsequently start doing everything in their power to make theon‘s life hell.

theon himself is quite severely stoned the entire time throughout.

ned enters horrendous debt pretty much immediately and, after two hours of being financially sucked dry by both cersei and his tax evader of a wife, decides to just place his figurine in jail and never leave.

jon, playing the dog, controls the railroads and makes jaime, playing the ship, go completely broke within minutes. being beaten by a bastard and officially the first to lose the game makes jaime so mad he spends the rest of the evening perched on the family‘s ancestral armchair eating flaming hot cheetos and stifling sobs.

cersei is holding onto her last two dollars and her one house in atlantic avenue like a maniac and evades taxes like it‘s an olympic sport. she claims ownership of kentucky avenue on the grounds that red is her house‘s color at least twice. after three hours, she‘s consumed enough vintage red to kill a large mammal and keeps quoting the art of war. fascinatingly enough, she never goes completely broke.

robert, just as broke and drunk as his wife but not nearly as ferocious, proposes marriage for tax advantages to bran, who is in possession of the boardwalk and lets him dangle on his proposition for two rounds before accepting and feeling like a benevolent god.

sansa sees this and immediately proposes to arya, who accepts, only for them to be sued by their mother for public indecency („you‘re siblings, jesus christ!“). arya argues that this is just a game and that one could argue that robert‘s and bran‘s marital alliance is just as if not even more inappropriate, considering that bran is seven and robert thirtyseven. sansa countersues her mother for tax evasion, who promises she‘ll drop her lawsuit if her daughters let her keep hoarding perverse amounts of wealth. „love wins!“ arya says, which causes jaime, still perched on the armchair but now eating old nan‘s home made whiskey truffles, to hysterically sob. cersei stares him down.

robb, in a rare moment of almost prophetic foresight, excuses himself one hour in and goes on a very, VERY long walk with grey wind.

tyrion, whose tax system has spectacularly backfired in his face, proposes marriage to catelyn, jon and cersei in rapid succession, who all turn him down. „i wish i was the monster you think i am. i wish i had enough poison for the whole pack of you. i would gladly give my life to watch you all swallow it.“ he screams before he leaves the table.

at that, joffrey, who has refused to participate and instead sits on the couch playing doom on his nintendo ds, starts hysterically laughing. tyrion turns on his heel and awards his nephew with the bitchslap of the century. this causes cersei to completely abandon the game and chase after him with a broom. catelyn makes sure that everyone is distracted by the lannister antics and then reaches across the table and bags cersei‘s money and properties.

with a heavy heart, myrcella trades arya and sansa one of her limited edition bayala schleich unicorns for park place.

at this point, the game is between the tycoons that are catelyn and jon, the bran-robert alliance, the arya-sansa-alliance, and ned, who is still in jail and watching ice hockey on his phone under the table. that is when catelyn hears rickon gagging and discovers that he, in the absence of tyrion, the self declared bank manager, has managed to eat all bank notes from the box.

“JOHN” THE “FIDDLER”- The man gives you an enigmatic smile. I dreamed of you, Ser Duncan.

RIVERLAND EMPIRE [medium: success]- HE DREAMED OF YOU.

SAVOIR FAIRE [difficult: success]- You have the strangest feeling that you’ve lived this all before.

ENCYCLOPEDIA [difficult: success]- The princeling Daeron Targaryen is the eldest son of King Maekar. He is often called “The Drunken” because of his propensity for wine. He dreamed of you and it came true.

EMPATHY [medium: success]- They have the same way about them. A queer sort of sadness.

You stay away from me. You stay well away.

What sort of sadness?

What sort of dream?

“JOHN” THE “FIDDLER”- Why, I dreamed that you were all in white from head to heel, with a long pale cloak flowing from those broad shoulders. You were a White Sword, ser, a Sworn Brother of the Kingsguard, the greatest knight in all the Seven Kingdoms, and you lived for no other purpose but to guard and serve and please your king.

I have lived this before. Why have I lived this before?

[Electrochemistry, legendary 20] Please my king how?

Kingsguard compete for glory, not riches. Real hustlers grind the tourney circuit.

[Esprit Des Chevaliers, trivial 3] Only a king can make a Kingsguard knight.

“JOHN” THE “FIDDLER”- I suppose that means I’ll have to take the throne, then. I would much rather be teaching you to fiddle.

CONCEPTUALIZATION [formidable: failure] What was that about taking a throne?

EMPATHY [beyond trivial: failure] Why would he want to teach you to fiddle?

PHYSICAL INSTRUMENT [medium: success] Your hands are far too large for it, you’d split it in two.

ELECTROCHEMISTRY- You can’t tell? Come on, Dunk. Duncan the tall, thick as a castle wall. Dunk the lunk-

YOU: You’re drunk.

“JOHN” THE “FIDDLER”- The starlight glints off of his dark eyes. Wonderfully drunk. Wine makes all things possible, Ser Duncan. I hope you will put more faith in what I tell you when you see the dragon hatch. Here. I trust my dreams.

DRAMA- He’s telling you about what he’s dreamt, the birth of a dragon, the death of a would-be king, but there’s something more. There. You feel it, Ser. There’s something about the knight, smiling at you in the dark. His dreams. Something you feel like you should realize.

SHIVERS [legendary: success]- ALL ROADS LEAD TO IT. THE BIRTH OF DRAGONS, THE DEATH OF KINGS. THE FIRE. YOU TURN BACK AND WALK INTO THE DOOM.

ELECTROCHEMISTRY [trivial:failure]- Oh, you ARE drunk. Well, perhaps there is a second thing you should be realizing about him, then.

DIOS MIO! A BLACKFYRE!

I’m going to my bed. I’m drunk as a dog.

You’re a spy. For Lord Bloodraven. I knew it.

Are you a part of the homo-sexual underground?

“JOHN” THE “FIDDLER”- Be my dog, ser. The night’s alive with promise. We can howl together and wake the very gods.

EMPATHY - Make one last, valiant attempt to understand what exactly this dreamer-knight who fancies himself a king is asking of you. Why he feels so familiar.

MEDIUM- 43% +2 Lived this before. You think you know that face. +1 One True Knight. -1 Druuuuuuuuuuuunk. -1 Hope this doesn’t awaken anything within you.

⚀⚀

CHECK FAILURE

YOU: What do you want from me?

“JOHN” THE “FIDDLER”- The man smiles at you again. Your sword. I would make you mine own man, and raise you high.

ELECTROCHEMISTRY [difficult: failure]- Maybe the celibacy requirement for the Kingsguard isn’t going to be too difficult for you, after all.

ESPRIT DES CHEVALIERS [difficult: failure]- As if you could even get into the Kingsguard. You might be a hedge knight forever at this rate.

MORALE -2

ENDURANCE [formidable: failure]- The drink’s caught up to you, and you can’t fight the urge to puke on your boots anymore. Goodnight, hedge knight.