shine a light

Jia turned her eyes downward. Another moment that defined their relationship, that buried them deeper. They could no longer blame alcohol or vulnerability, not when she had actually tracked him down to his dressing room. Not when she was eyeing him in that suit. She looked at him in the eyes then. “Do you want to stop being around me?”

This wasn’t how Danny thought things would go. Admittedly, he had been trying very hard to not think about the numerous disastrous eventualities that awaited the pair of them during this shoot. He’d been an absolute jerk to Jia. Several times. The months following that first evening were filled with Danny’s clumsy attempts to avoid her and not deal with the consequences of his actions. That was always something his dad nagged him about. When was he finally going to take responsibility for what he did?

It was a dangerous thought to have, looking down at Jia. For some entirely unfathomable reason, she still wanted around. Danny didn’t want to hurt her anymore. Running hadn’t gotten him, or them, anywhere. Somehow he always circled back to Jia. 

“Jia, I...” Danny tried to speak, but his throat had gone dry. Why did this have to be so difficult? Why couldn’t he have just kept his goddamn hands to himself all those months ago? It was so much simpler then. Certainly more so than at the moment, when Jia was so close, looking like that with the two of them all alone.

“I don’t,” Danny said, before his mind could really process the implications. But, it was the truth. Danny was too earnest to lie. It usually didn’t even cross his mind. “I don’t want to stop being around you. I.... I like.... being around you.”

The word that hung in the air were clumsy, but heartfelt. It was all very Danny. 

Danny’s right hand twitched. This was a bad idea. He knew it was a bad idea. It was bad for both of them. But when had something being a bad idea ever stopped him before? Danny brought up his hand and lightly, gingerly, touched Jia’s waist. It was almost as if he was afraid he’d break her. In some ways, he was. Danny gulped. He could still back away. He could end it, if he really wanted. Same them both the trouble. The oft ignored voice in the back of his head reminded him of these things and more, but it was drowned out by the much louder voice that said what Danny always thought before he did something stupid:

Fuck it.

Before she quite knew what she was doing, Jia was heading towards his dressing room. She was tense every step, constantly looking over her shoulder. She knew it was a closed set, but it was still possible someone would see where she was heading. Everyone told her Daewon was a bad idea, even his own group mates, even Jinhwan who she knew was a bad idea. He practically invented the term. However, she knew that at the end of the day, Daewon was a nice boy, a sweet boy. However, he had tarnished his image a bit with her after the things they had done together. She was flushed as she began knocking on his dressing room door before she chickened out. “Daewon, we need to talk. Please open up.” She bit her bottom lip. “Did I do something wrong?” she whispered, not really wanting him to hear.

Danny initially thought to ignore Jia’s knock on the door. After all, avoiding her had been his plan all along. It would surely be the only way the both of them would get through the day unscathed. Danny didn’t trust himself around Jia. Not that he ever really should have trusted himself, considering all the trouble he caused, but even he recognized that this was a bad idea. And yet Danny couldn’t ignore the painful grip on his heart, or the way it tightened when he realized Jia thought that she was the problem. Oh, how could she not know? It was him. It was always him that caused everyone trouble. And he was still doing it now. 

Before he could think about the consequences, (not that he ever thought about consequences,) Danny strode across the room and opened the door. His mouth opened to speak but the words died in his throat as he caught sight of Jia. She looked so pretty and sweet and cute. It would definitely have been picture perfect dream girl territory had it not been for the sadness evident in her eyes. Danny continued to hold onto the door handled with his right hand, gripping it for support, as his left hand lifted to tug on the collar of the dress shirt they’d put him in. It dipped down and loosened the tie. He’d need someone to fix that later but, god, did he need to breathe. Jia was going to kill him, looking like that. In more ways than one. 

Eventually, Danny forced himself to speak. It came out in English, without him really even thinking about it. It was probably for the best, as fewer staff members would be able to understand him, but he hadn’t thought about that. Danny had a tendency to default to English around Jia, the same way he did with his siblings or his dad. It just made the most sense.

“Jia, you didn’t... you didn’t do anything wrong. Please don’t think that. I’m... I fucked up. Again. I always fucked up. It’s like, my thing, at this point. You don’t need to be around someone like that. I’m just gonna ruin things. For both of us.”

Danny’s hand slipped from the door handle as his words hung in the air. He wanted Jia to know that nothing that happened was her fault. It was all him. He just couldn’t find the words to say it. 

LOADING INFORMATION ON B.RITE’S MAIN RAP, LEAD DANCE MOON DAEWON…

Before he quite knew what was happening, Wei was making his way towards Jinhwan and Danny, like a man possessed. He wondered if it would have been better or worse if he badmouthed Jinhwan to Danny before they officially met; instead, he had avoided the conversations about what had happened between the two of them, including with Danny. He found himself in front of the two of them, smiling in the same way he did at every family function that was going to end up on the tabloids. “Oh, I am so happy you two finally have a chance to meet. What are we talking about?”

Danny wasn’t really sure how it happened. One second, he was going to get a drink, the next Jinhwan and Wei popped up, one after the other. He looked between both older men, jaw slightly agape for a moment. It was strange on both accounts. Danny had never met Jinhwan properly and Wei had been weird around him for months. Danny started to get to get that familiar, sinking feeling that he’d done something. It was a bit disappointing as variety appearances were the only thing Danny ever seemed to do right.

“Uh...” Danny wasn’t sure which one to address first. He eventually settled on Wei. He knew Wei, at least. “Um, Jinhwan hyung was introducing himself? I think? Honestly, I don’t know what’s happening.”

He was nothing if not honest. Though, to be fair, Wei knew Danny well enough to see through his painfully obvious attempts at lying. There would be no point. Danny gave Wei his best ‘i dunno’ shrug before turning to Jinhwan. Danny didn’t know much about him, really. He thought that he and Wei were friends? Maybe? Danny had a tendency to avoid talking to Wei. He intimidated him too much. Still, he seemed nice enough and he seemed excited to meet him so he must be a good guy. Danny liked to give people the benefit of the doubt.

Danny held out his right hand for Jinhwan to take. “It’s nice to meet you finally. Your group is really talented.”

It was true, XLNC was really talented. Plus they looked cool with the instruments. Danny looked like a kid playing with his older cousin’s gear whenever he held a guitar. Sure, Danny held a bit of a grudge against King for, well, existing, but Danny knew it wouldn’t be fair to take that out on Jinhwan. He hadn’t done anything to him. Not that King had done anything to him. Jia’s infatuation was the real problem. As far as Danny knew, Jinhwan didn’t have anything to do with Jia except for the fact that they were in the same company.

Maybe that was why Jia had managed to find the courage to ask King for a drink. They made sense, even if King did not exactly see her in that way. Maybe she was supposed to move on. Maybe that was what he wanted from her. For her to go away. Though, that was very difficult for her to do when he was wearing an outfit that showed off… everything. She cleared her throat. “You’ve got a little something on your collar, let me fix it,” she said. Jia reached for his tie and before she could quite think twice, she began to order it. She cleared her throat. “Um, it looks good. I think you’ll love better in the suit for later though.” 

Jia reached for his collar and it was like all the air had been knocked from Danny’s lungs. It was such a simple action, but she was so close. It was sweet, too, almost domestic. Fuck. Whatever was going on with his feelings and Jia, this music video shoot was not going to help. Danny’s mind raced as he struggled to think of an exit strategy. He knew, somewhere in the back of his mind, that he’d have to keep dealing with Jia during filming and then the brief promotions but all Danny wanted was to get somewhere he could breathe. She was too close. It was too much. Daredevil Danny was scared.

Unable to think of another way out, Danny’s hands reached up and clasped themselves over Jia’s smaller ones. Wrong move. He looked down at Jia and once again felt paralyzed. His attempt to run away unexpectedly turned into a rather intimate moment. If anyone saw them, standing there like that, it could ruin them both. Rumors had been swirling around them for months and this would only make it worse. Danny needed to pull away. But Jia’s hands felt so soft and warm in his own. He’d held her hand before, but not like this. Not sober and fully aware. God, she was going to kill him.

They stayed like that for moment before Danny was finally able to pull himself together. Gently, he removed Jia’s hands from his clothes and guided them downward. It took him another moment to let go of them entirely, but when he did he dropped them as though they’d burned him. In a way, they had. Danny looked away, clearing his throat. He couldn’t look at Jia anymore. That wouldn’t end well. Or maybe too well. Probably both.

“Um, they actually wanted me to try that suit on next and I think the stylist noona is waiting for me,” Danny said, looking anywhere but at Jia. The staff putting finishing touches on the set suddenly looked incredibly interesting. “I should, uh, I should probably go do that now.”

She didn’t see him until she was in wardrobe. A lot of pink and a beret, along with a cute skirt and pigtails. From the neck down, it was all very much her pre-Nightmare, pre-Medea. She felt like a teenager again, trying to avoid a boy because she liked him. She did not expect to nearly run into him, literally. Her cheeks flushed, her eyes going straight to his. It felt overtly intimate, her making eye contact in public. She blurted out the first thing that popped into her head. “I’m sorry I have to call you oppa all day today.”

Danny had been bummed when his manager told him the original rapper for his Chain Station track had backed out. He’d been looking forward to working with her, mostly because it meant that MSG trusted him a bit more. The fan outcry at Danny’s recent and obvious pullback from promotions had been loud and angry. Danny was a huge risk but he was also one of the most popular members of 1nferno. MSG had slowly been letting him back into the spotlight. The rapper pulling out felt like a step backward. When his manager said that the Umbrella Company had lined up another rapper, Danny was happy to know that he’d get some of that progress back. Until they told him exactly who he’d be working with this time.

The thought of seeing Jia again frightened Danny. So much so that he’d been purposely avoiding her on set. He was grateful that his vocals had already been recorded by the time she signed onto the project. If Danny could just manage to stay hidden until the cameras were rolling, Jia wouldn’t have the opportunity to rip him a new one. Not that she was the type, but that was certainly what he deserved after ghosting her. He’d woken up with Jia in his arms, clear-minded, sober and comfortable and that scared him. He hadn’t expected it, hadn’t wanted it and most certainly wasn’t ready for it. So, Danny did what he always seemed to do when it came to Jia: he ran away. 

There was no running way now, however. His plan failed, as most of them did, and there Jia was, standing in front of him. Danny’s cheeks flushed at the very sight of her. He told himself that it was just the embarrassment he felt for leaving her high and dry yet again, but the cute way she was dressed surely had something to do with the pink tint. Danny tried desperately to swallow the lump that’d formed in his throat. 

“N-no worries,” he said before forcing out an awkward chuckle. He hadn’t actually thought about it. He was older than the original rapper for whom the song had been written but Jia was his noona. Danny’s blush deepened at the realization. God, there was no way he was going to make it out of the shoot alive. 

“Um, you look really nice,” Danny said, hoping flattery would save him. It always seemed to work for Wei, maybe just this once it could for him. Danny’s eyes roved Jia’s figure. His words had held more truth than even he’d realized. Jia looked so soft and so pretty in the pastel colors and pig tails. “It’s... it’s really different. But, like, good different. I like it a lot.”

“Me gustas tanto.” Not that she would ever tell him that in any language he could understand. She was already in flames from telling him like this. It was mortifying. Daewon was… something. Was this what friends with benefits were? She didn’t know. Jia just knew that with every press of his skin on hers, the pain faded a little. It didn’t matter what they were as long as he stayed, as long as he didn’t stop touching her. “Quedate con migo.”

Danny had a certain amount of pride in being able to speak multiple languages. Growing up with both English and Korean made those easy, but he put actual work into learning Mandarin and Japanese. He always wanted to be able to communicate with fans, enjoyed being able to reach people in their own language. Danny liked being a polyglot. When the shoe was on the other foot? Not so much. 

Danny felt frustrated in Chile. Helpless. Dependent. He wasn’t used to not understanding, not being understood. He hadn’t expected it, hadn’t really understood why it bothered him so much. It wasn’t the Chilean people’s fault; he was the stranger in their country. Nonetheless, Danny didn’t appreciate not being able to fend for himself. He’d never been a paragon of independence, but clearly he’d taken the ability to communicate his wants and needs for granted. All he could do was throw desperate glances to his manager or group members, or ask people if they spoke any English. When people spoke Spanish to him, Danny felt embarrassed. But it was different with Jia. Everything was always different with Jia.

Jia’s words set Danny aflame. He didn’t know what she was saying, but somehow it didn’t matter. Danny made up his own meanings in his minds, things he wanted to hear her say, even if he didn’t realize it himself. When Jia spoke, Spanish sounded musical in a way it hadn’t before. It was beautiful. She was beautiful. 

Gently, Danny pushed Jia backward on the bed until she was on her back, him hovering over her. He was straddling her, using his left hand to support his own weight while his free hand roamed, grasping desperately at her every inch. His mouth drifted from hers, to her jawline, down her neck. Jia was making him feel things and it was the least he could do to make a valiant attempt to do the same to her.

“Please,” Danny said softly into the skin of her neck. “Don’t stop. Don’t ever stop.”

Danny stayed like that for a moment, nuzzled into the crook of Jia’s neck before he suddenly pushed himself up and sat back, kneeling. He looked down at Jia, tried to take in every bit of her. Was this the right thing to do? Danny wasn’t sure, but it didn’t seem to matter so much anymore. His good intentions fell by the wayside the moment she started speaking to him in Spanish, the moment their lips met. He hadn’t had a drop to drink that night but somehow, Danny didn’t feel entirely in control of himself. What was she doing to him? Danny didn’t care. He just wanted it to continue. 

The words were out before she understood what she was saying. The sobbing turned into reddened cheeks. She was embarrassed at having said such a thing to him, but at least it distracted her from the situation at hand. She felt the redness crawled up to her ears. Was she allowed to think about him like that? Did two one night stands allow for that kind of behavior? The closest thing they ever had to a date was when he bought her food, which led to them back in the 1nferno dorms. She cleared her throat, this time for a different reason. “I mean…” Well, she was definitely going to die this way. “Thanks for coming to talk to me.”

A flush creeped up Danny’s neck, to his ears and across his cheeks. The hand he still had awkwardly placed on Jia’s shoulder suddenly felt like it was burning but Danny couldn’t seem to move it. Like it’d been welded in place. Heat radiated up from his hand, along his arm. At the same time, Danny became all too aware of his own pulse, thumping in his hears and in his chest. It beat out an unsteady rhythm. He felt more like a school boy talking to his crush than a supposed idol playboy. 

Did this fall under the loose, murky borders of his and Jia’s relationship? Yes, they’d slept together. Twice. But they’d both been drunk and reckless each time. This was different. It was sober and sincere and embarrassing. Danny wasn’t sure what Jia and he were. He hadn’t been since he’d broken the boundaries of their friendship and transformed it into the nameless mess it was now. Was it normal for her to say that? To want to impress him? Should it have made his heart skip a beat when she said it, his face flush? Everything was so much easier the half hour before, when he came to her room with the hopes of getting some action. The sex, Danny could get a handle on that. But the shared secrets and butterflies were too much for him to parse out. 

“Um, a-any time,” Danny said, face still red. His hand slid from Jia’s shoulder down her arm, though it was still unwilling (or unable) to break contact. It came to rest just above her elbow. Danny gulped. He was unsure of what to do or say next. He didn’t know what Jia wanted from him, or what he could even give her. He wanted to make her feel better. But Danny knew nothing he could say would erase the terrible, racist comments from her memory, as much as he wished he could. The best Danny could hope for was to take Jia’s mind off of it, make her forget, at least for a little while. With their relationship in the jumbled mess that it was, really only one way to do that made sense.

She finally sobbed.  Jia whispered to him. “Daewon, why do they hate me for something I can’t change? What did I do to them?” She didn’t need them to tell her she and Danny didn’t make sense. She knew that. But why did they have to bring that into it? Hadn’t she suffered enough comments over the years? Wherever she went, she did not belong. 

Danny held Jia’s phone in his hand, grip limp. He wanted to let it fall way to the floor altogether just so he didn’t have to look at it anymore. But it wasn’t his phone and it wasn’t Jia’s fault. None of this was her fault. Instead, he placed it gently on the bed, face down. Danny bit his lip and listened quietly as Jia vented. He felt terrible for her. And guilty, too. He’d dragged her down with him and he hadn’t even realized until now. Everyone was always quick to remind him that his actions had consequences, but it was all too easy to forget that he wasn’t the only one who could get hurt. 

His hands, which had been resting on his legs ever since he put Jia’s phone down, dug into the fabric of his sweatpants. What was he supposed to do? What could he do? He felt helpless. Though, surely not as much as Jia did. He’d been working so hard to fix things for himself and, it’d been working at least a little. But it wasn’t like Jia could change what people didn’t like about her. And she shouldn’t have to. She was perfect the way she was. But words, the important ones, failed Danny once again. He didn’t know how to make her feel better.

All his life, Danny had struggled with the same thing those jackasses were hurling Jia’s way in the comments section. Always confused for a foreigner, told he wasn’t a real Korean. He’d found an outlet for his pain in writing, but it wasn’t as though he could write Jia’s feelings down and make her feel better the way he did with his own. She’d turned to him in need and he was useless. 

Danny placed an unsure hand on Jia’s shoulder. He didn’t want to make her feel uncomfortable, but it was all he could think to do. The boundaries between the two of them were strange and unclear. They’d seen and touched all that there was to see of each other, but that was a vastly different situation. 

MINYOUNG AND DANNY’S LOVE FOR PEPSI ‘BLOSSOM’S IN SPRING

Her hands were deep in her coat pockets and she went back to looking at the less fun porcelain cups, “are you sure of that Danny-ah? These very intrinsic tea-set are also lovely, and I can bet you won’t be left dizzy,” she said, throwing him a glance over her shoulder before straightening up again and getting to his side, “do you need help here, Astronaut?”

Danny gave his head a sloppy shake to answer her question in the negative. Ooh, maybe not such a good idea, he thought as it only seemed to make his dizziness worse. But, oh well. He had a lot of bad ideas and things usually turned out all right. (’Usually’ being the key term.) Danny looked up at Sieun. 

“I’m good, noona,” Danny said, still a bit breathless.  He gave her one of his signature large smiles before speaking again. Pouring on the charm certainly wouldn’t hurt for what he intended to do next. “But you should try it!”

The rapper jumped to his feet, wobbling only just the slightest amount as he moved away from the hanging chair. Danny shook his head again, as if that would help him reorient himself. He looked back at Sieun again, once again wearing a wide grin. 

“C’mon!” Danny implored. “It’s lots of fun, I promise! Way more fun than tea cups. Just try it once, and you’ll see why we need it.”

Danny could be very persuasive when he wanted to be. That had far less to do with his guile, which seemed to be nonexistent, and much more to do with his earnestness and exuberance. More than once in his life, Danny had been compared to a puppy. How could anyone say no to something so sweet? Danny truly only ever wanted to make people happy. It just so happened that he included himself in the category of ‘people to make happy’. But then, that was hardly unusual. It was practically impossible to manage to debut as an idol without being at least a little bit selfish. You had to want it for yourself so much that you made it happen at the expense of someone else’s dream dying.

But, a hanging chair that spun? That was innocent selfishness. And, really, how selfish was it if the other cast members could have fun, too? Danny imagined that was why he’d even been cast in the first place: to make sure everyone had fun. He was only ever on variety shows for one of two purposes. Either he was there to do something ridiculous (and often dangerous) or he was there to make people laugh and be happy. Often, it was both. Danny was 1nferno’s mood maker and he very much intended to be that for Roommates as well.