dreamland.

he decides to come clean with his own feelings towards her change. “it’s just that — it has nothing to do with you, taehee. really, it doesn’t —“ the dryness of his mouth becomes more and more prominent the more he tries to avoid making taehee even more upset. but he throws his head back slightly and sighs because he doesn’t think he can avoid it any longer.

“i’m just not very…comfortable with it.”

she gets it and she also gets why people don’t. maybe if she wasn’t taehee, maybe if she wasn’t living in the body she wakes up everyday, the body and image and everything she’s slowly starting to dislike every morning, maybe she wouldn’t like it either. maybe she would come to her and she would tell taehee; ‘you have to stay true to yourself’. and then she’d go on a rant about why it’s important to remain genuine and to remain true to you, to what you do, to what you love. 

the thing is, taehee isn’t even sure if she loves this as much as she used to in the past. it’s almost like two sides of the coin. that either she loves this so much to the point of altering everything that used to make tali ‘tali’? or the fact she doesn’t like it that much anymore hence why she’s not bothered at all about changing, about tweaking who she is.

and a bunch of people can approach her and tell her they don’t like it, or that they’re disappointed, or that they’re not comfortable, not happy, who knows. a lot of people could do that, and she wouldn’t be so phased. however, there’s definitely a handful of people whose opinions mean far too much, and unfortunately doyoon is one of them.

so it hurts. it stings. it feels like a gut punch and almost as some kind of instinct, she lets go of his hand. she didn’t want to, because taehee has always been a very warm person, very physical. but for some reason, in her stupid, distorted thoughts, she feels like she’s less, like she shouldn’t be touching her precious friend anymore. she knows it’s just an instinct of the present time and that this will change as soon as some days pass by. but for now? she keeps the distance.

“i respect that.” she tells him. when she looks at him, she realizes that she’s not even hurt because he doesn’t like it, she’s hurt because her actions made him uncomfortable, because her actions put him in this position where he has to be honest, where he has to tell her what he thinks because doyoon isn’t fake, because she knows he actually cares about her unlike many, because she knows he’s genuine and truly loves her as much as she loves him.

how typical of lee taehee, always putting aside her personal feelings because the people she loves must come before her, always.

“and i’m very sorry. i didn’t mean to make you feel like that, at all. i feel like i just did things without thinking too much about what people would think, which is so silly. i should’ve known, i should’ve known.” she looks away, embarrassed. “you know how much i cherish our friendship, and you. i really didn’t mean for any of this to happen” and she’s sorry that she can’t change it now.

not because it’s too late. but because she doesn’t want to. doesn’t need to. she wants to keep going. wants things to keep moving forward and see where they get her. it’s new, it’s fun and it’s a bit dangerous. which is perhaps what she needs, some thrill, the risk of people talking so much more shit than before, of her getting criticized and attacked for it. she’s gotten to the point where she needs something. where she needs anything. anything to feel alive, to feel important, to feel like life isn’t dull. 

but even so, he has little tells; tells that even he is unaware of that expresses his small distress with taehee’s new image — one of them being the constant look back and forth between the wide screen and taehee. another one, possibly the much more obvious of the two, is the increased distance he has given between him and his friend. a distance he himself does not yet notice.

there’s something off about him and she can perceive that right away. not like taehee is good at spotting things from just anyone, but doyoon isn’t just an ‘anyone’ in her life. he’s one of her closest friends, one of her best friends, actually. he’s one of those people that mean the entire world to her, so she knows him, she knows everything, she can read him perfectly and no one can deny that.

so he’s there, trying to reassure her, trying to smile, to joke, to kind of make everything much lighter and less heavier than whatever previous moment they shared. so she stares at him, quite not believing him and of course, taehee being taehee, she’s going to call him out for it. 

“but you don’t like it.” she says. the implication is, definitely, an assumption. assuming isn’t cool, she knows this, but she can’t really help it at all. “you know i’ve never been one to care much about people’s opinions. well, i used to time ago but that changed since you-know-what happened.” she leans back against the couch, opting for a much more relaxed position, so he could also see she wasn’t being confrontational at all, but instead, just trying to make him see she wasn’t all too convinced with the way he was addressing reassurance. 

“but you’re my friend, i do care about what you think.” who doesn’t care about what your friends have to say about you? or think about you? it didn’t necessarily mean doyoon had any negative feelings regarding HER, but rather, regarding her character, the big difference from taehee the person and tali the character. “it changes nothing, really. if anything, it just changes the fact i don’t have to feel so ‘meh’ compared to everyone else, i mean.” she pauses, thinks about her words for a moment.

then lets it out, “sooyeon is an actual princess, you know? she has so much and i’m so proud of her, she’s just SO talented.” another pause follows, and she tilts her head, “and sunjung, who’s so pretty and people can’t stop putting her in photoshoots and magazines and runways and, they just have it so figured it out and then there’s me.” and it’s not like she’s throwing a pity-party for herself, or because she wants him to feel bad for her. 

doyoon points at the screen, and at the member who physically resembles taehee but does not remind him of his friend. “did heaven get a new member?” a smile plays on his face because it’s too ridiculous to add someone new to heaven when the group is so far into their career, but the gap between the taehee beside him and the taehee inside the tv screen is far too huge ignore.

long gone. she was long gone. not by force, but by choice.

sometimes, sometimes change is needed. sometimes, change is the key to new doors, new opportunities, new beginnings. she wasn’t the biggest believer of ‘ending’ and ‘beginning’ cycles, but maybe for this? she was. 

and that was kind of the thing, wasn’t it? she got her heart broken months ago, her subsequent actions causing much more damage to her career instead of choosing perpetual silence about the matter. before all of that, however, tali had a very strong presence; she was cute, bubbly, sweet. she was the perfect image of a best friend, and it always worked. female fans loved her because she had that softness to her, that sweet image that made them want to protect her. male fans loved her because she was the perfect girl to be ‘one of the boys’, with her overall video game knowledge, she was, without a doubt, almost the perfect girlfriend.

then everything crumbles down. the idea the company had of her, just an illusion now. 

she comes back and they want the same from her. to try to be sweet, and she is. to try to be one of the boys, and she is. but for how long can you play a character until it gets stale? it’s funny because at the end of the day, taehee is sweet and taehee is one of the boys. but taehee isn’t sexy, she doesn’t think she is. she’s comfortable in her skin and she loves every inch of her being, but she doesn’t think she’s sexy. 

that’s where her fun comes from. from the idea of portraying something she’s not, of showing this side of her she can get away with, something new, something fresh, something much more mature. at the end of the day, it’s been working out just fine, isn’t it? she’s scheduled to release a solo song soon, after all.

she can’t help but let out a chuckle, “heaven isn’t that lucky, oppa.” she turns to look at doyoon, offering him one of her sweet, gentle signature smiles. if anyone were to ask her about the people that had helped her out the most when she needed it? doyoon would rank extremely high on that list. not exactly because he was there for her that one time her scandal went down, but because he had always been a part of her life, or safe to say, for most of it. friends since their early days, she had always leaned on him as she hoped he would always lean on her; an unconditional friendship that she cherishes with all of her heart.

He had a little less than two months to find a way to bake Taehee something nice for her birthday, might as well do some research this way.

gaming is fun, gaming is what keeps her spirits up, what makes her smile, what keeps her excited and looking forward to a new adventure depending on whatever game she’s playing. but gaming with a friend? it’s even better. daehyun is, by far, the greatest gaming buddy she’s had. not only because he has great insight on certain things, but because he’s overall terribly adorable and some of the things he says tends to make her laugh, which in honesty, laughing is what taehee needs to do lately. without a doubt, having her friend with her makes her forget about other things and that? is perfect.

“daehyun-ah!” she audibly calls for him, eyebrow raised, “calm down, little one. i got this! first of all? don’t worry about the great fairies, those greedy ladies won’t be too concerned about that. but i? the great lee taehee, has the solution to this tiny problem!” she opens the map, and points a little to the left of central hyrule, “we have to warp over there. to where revali lives, close to the divine beast. then we move to rito stable where we will wind a bunch of chopped down logs already. we cut that up, make wood, that’s it.” she explains, and then excitedly claps, “AND THEN, we warp back to the divine beast, glide all the way to rito stable again and, guess what? et voilá, the logs spawn again and we can chop and collect that again and we can keep going back and forth, back and forth. it’s a bit like cheating but i call it being smart.” 

and she smiles at him, happy and charming as she always is. “but getting our home was pretty satisfying and it’s adorable, so i can’t really complain. plus, this will surely grow a cute, nice, cozy neighborhood, don’t you think? so i’m in for this and i hope you are too. this is a mission we have to get done together.” and as she speaks, she’s already hands on on the mission; making link warp to the divine beast first, then gliding over to rito stable as she had mentioned already.

‘‘oh come on. you’d be the perfect mom. i can already see it. and i’d be like a cool aunt who’d always bring your kids designers clothes and of course get them their very first pair of chanel shoes. they’d adored me, i’m sure of it.’’ it was fun to think about the future, the things that were so close yet so far out of their reach. life was always unpredictable, full of twists and turns. from time to time, it was almost therapeutic to think of such silly things. ‘’aw, look at you. someone has a little crush. who cares if he has someone else? i do believe in true love, but people these days are awful. so you’re allowed to be awful right back. so steal a man, wear that pair of shoes and drink just a little too much. also eat all the fucking cake you want.’’ there must have been something awfully strong in sunjung’s drinks because she was certainly speaking bolder than ever. ‘‘you have to give it a try. tell him how you feel. you have nothing to lose. but keeping it all hidden inside you’re only torturing yourself. or you could try my hollywood approach. you know, waiting for everything to be served to you on a silver platter when it comes to love. classic hollywood.’‘

there’s this distinctive smile on taehee’s face as sunjung rambles on about the supposed reality show that she could have. it’s actually funny, because she could certainly see themselves in a situation like that. “honestly, the more you talk about it, the more i want and need it to happen. whatever should we do to get those preparations going? because i’m totally in! i could even be like one of the producers of the show, we’ll make it happen.” she jokes, but also, she’s not. if sunjung ever wanted to give a shot then, taehee would be on board with the idea, that was for sure. when she speaks, tae can’t help but blush and look away, “yaaaah you…” she doesn’t look at her, because she knows she’s blushing and that’s pretty embarrassing sometimes. she’s not bad at all when it comes down to accepting compliments, she feels like that’s an easy task for her. but when people talk about /the kind/ of person that she is? that’s a complete different story.

“i don’t know what to say, but… thank you. that is very sweet of you, love. really.” with her heaven members, it’s hard to find a way to explain herself at times. that the reason she was in this position was because she was fulfilling the dream of someone else, the dream of her best friend. that everything she did was with a hand on her heart, with wide open eyes and with a happy smile because she knows that’s how her best friend would’ve wanted it to be. “i just try my best? but, ah, you know i’m happy to know you too. you know how much i love you, sunjung-ah, don’t you?” she squeezes her hand one last time before letting ho. “and hey, you don’t have to thank me, you know i will ALWAYS be very proud of you. that’s never going to change. don’t mind what others have to say about you, i learned that the wrong way and see where that lead me? nowhere good! so don’t do stress about the opinions of some… mules.” she laughs, bringing her glass up and taking a sip.

“do you remember about johyun, right?” he’s sure she does, luke talked about it in detail. “we had a conversation back in chile,” if he can call it that “and i realized i don’t love him anymore. or maybe i never did, i don’t know.” he looks at the ashes on his ashtray, looks everywhere but at taehee. “isn’t it strange? to fall out of love so easily? i’ve been so fixated on him for so long i just don’t know if the feeling was real or if i wanted it to be, i think.” he takes another drag of his cigarette and looks at taehee. “fuck this seems so stupid i can’t believe i made you waste your time like this.”

there’s no chance for her to refuse to see him smoking. not because she hates it, quite frankly, she doesn’t mind it on people. but it’s him and the idea of how he’s harming himself is too much for her. but she remains quiet, eyes following his movements, specifically his fingers, the desperation behind his actions.

taehee has always been a very observant person. loves watching, and she can tell things. she can discover plenty of things. and she sees how bad he needs this, she sees how he’s struggling to find the words, how he’s having a hard time coping with whatever that is bothering.

until he speaks up.

and she wonders, shouldn’t she feel happy? knowing that he’s no longer interested in someone else? knowing that perhaps, just perhaps, there’s the tiny little possibility of her having a chance with him? shouldn’t she be glad and just mask it (as most people would do) and pretend that she feels bad about it and just tell him to move on?

she should, probably. but she can’t, she can’t pretend because taehee genuinely feels bad for him, genuinely feels concerned and genuinely doesn’t feel any sort of joy about it. “i don’t think it’s strange, at all. we all love differently.” her eyes shift from his face, to his hands, watches him pick up that second cigarette and she wants to do something about it. just doesn’t know exactly what. “you’re right. maybe you were in love, maybe you weren’t. maybe you were just infatuated, it happens.” and she doesn’t want to do it, because she doesn’t know what kind of reaction she’s going to earn from him. but she will do it, won’t she? of course she will.

so slowly, she reaches out for the package of cigarettes. she isn’t fast, nor does she make an abrupt move. she just grabs it, and holds it between her hands. she doesn’t say anything to him about it, as if she didn’t just do what she just did. but she carries on, “i loved once and i loved him… for quite some time. two almost three years.” she trails off, “but i was so upset and hurt about how it all ended that i believe i masqueraded that love with anger towards him and everything. until i realized i didn’t love him anymore. i don’t know when it happened, or how fast it happened, i woke up one day and realized i didn’t love him anymore.” she explains, and she makes sure to look at him, doesn’t let anything else distract her.

“i don’t think i could fix this now… we both need time, it wont do me any good begging for her forgiveness when there’s no possible way it’ll even register– i can’t go do something horrible and be immediately forgiven.” 

sooyeon is right. that guy was an asshole and although taehee’s parents had taught her to never have any sort of negative feelings towards anyone (which certainly didn’t work for them because her own father had formulated a meticulous plan to tentatively murder her ex-fiancé), she did keep a special place in the negative side of her for him. at this point, he was probably the only resident of that side and could anyone really blame her for it?

“seriously? you? you’re going to sit here and tell me you’re not smart? i can’t believe you, this is yet the worst thing you’ve ever told me im sooyeon, wow!” the tone of her voice certainly reaches over-dramatic levels, but she’s doing it with the purpose of bringing a smile to her friend’s face. taehee always feels like she’s responsible of helping others, of making them smile, it means  so much to her, it fulfills her.

she listens and looks at her like she’s the most precious thing in the whole world; so to try to get a positive reaction from her, she shakes her head and points, “how can you say you’re not smart at all when you’re talking about this kathie moffat character i have no idea about? if it makes you feel better i sometimes wish i could be like jill valentine.” she pauses, “she fights zombies, basically. she’s super cool and a total badass. but alas, trying to live life in whatever kind of… fucking way that we want isn’t bad at all.” placing both hands on each side of sooyeon’s face, she makes sure to look into her eyes, “but it get it, you’ve hurt people due to that. but it’s a lesson, yeah? you’re learning from that. now you can still live life in whatever way that you want, but without hurting others.”

all thoughts are long forgotten when the doorbell rings and luke opens the door to taehee. she is so beautiful in a simple way; delicate features, an aura of sweetness. even now, out of all the idol glamour, she looks gorgeous. “hey there, thanks for coming.” he smiles and steps aside, gestures for her to come in. his place is large, a black and white color scheme all over, black couch and decoration, white walls and carpet. “sorry for putting you through the hassle of coming here, but i kind of need a friend right now.” oh the horror, he isn’t lying. “and i could only think about talking to you.”

she was already in bed. tucked in, book in hands, glasses on, reading to her heart’s content. it’s her favorite from sidney sheldon, which hilariously enough was also her mother’s favorite; it would explain why the book was in such bad condition at this point. she’s read this many, many, many times and yet she does it over and over again, like it’s the first time. her stomach churns every time she reads of catherine’s runaway, the desperation behind her actions, the fear of her possible dead at the hands of a supposed loving husband and his mistress.

and then her phone dings. the churning ends when she sees it’s luke the one messaging her. it no longer churns, but now there’s butterflies, as always. he’s the only one who can trigger that sensation inside her and it’s almost ridiculous. the soon-to-be twenty-eight year old shouldn’t be this excited every time he wants her attention but oh, she is. like a fool. like the biggest fool.

so she jumps out of bed, changes her old pajamas for a pair of jeans, a t-shirt and a hoodie. it’s not like the weather is too cold at all, but a hoodie should be enough to hide her identity just in case there’s anyone trying to dig any kind of dirt from luke’s basement. so she leaves, takes her time driving because it’s late, she’s following the gps and because she forgot her glasses at home. she hums the soft songs on the radio, though can’t even recognize any of the artists, perhaps because she’s listening to one of those small radio stations that dedicate plenty of airtime to lesser-known artists.

the hoodie is perfect to hide her head and most part of her face, for a moment she’s even afraid someone will think she’s a thief or something like that. all fear dissipates when he opens the door and allows her to come in. it dissipates due to two reasons: one, because she’s no longer outside looking like she’s plotting a crime and two, because she’s now looking at him. looking, thinking, being with him tends to have this kind of effect on her. it’s getting ridiculous, she won’t stop reminding herself of that.

“so, tell me—who’s this cute boy that you keep hinting to me about?” the question is simple, but direct; her tone jovial, but sprinkled with a little bit of intensity. “you can’t just keep telling me that you’ve been talking to someone cute, but then never divulge who the fuck it is. so, be a grown fucking woman and tell me already!” she exclaims, laughing heartily as she looks down towards her cohort; hoping that her brash way of going about things wasn’t met with anger.

taehee can’t help but remember that indeed, they were supposed to walk together, hold each other’s hands and make sure the other wouldn’t trip with the obstacles of life. they had so many plans, so many things that they wanted to do and yet, they never happened. taehee still, very vividly, remembers crying as she embraced yulhee, feeling irremediably hopeless as it was announced heaven wouldn’t have her in the group. it was awful and disheartening and taehee had a hard time coping with the fact. they had been inseparable and both had already created so many dreams and scenarios in their heads; this was truly the worst kind of thing and taehee couldn’t help but still think about it.

however, now that they get to catch up and be together? it feels fine, partially. because sure, it’s amazing and all but at the same time, she still wishes they were sharing hotel rooms, still wishes they were sharing the same rides, same schedules, same everything. but alas, sometimes you just can’t have it all. they have this though, this small space, this safe haven of theirs and it’s... fantastic or so taehee thinks, anyway. 

“i don’t think that’s shady at all? i mean... ah...” she leans back against the pillow, knowing that she has so many things to say about heaven and yet, she doesn’t really dare to. “who knows for how long heaven might be around anyway, i don’t think for too long, honestly. people seem... pretty ‘meh’ about us nowadays, so perhaps they just need something cute and fresh and, you know what i mean. the moment the company decides to put the pressure on your shoulders? say goodbye to your free time, baby.” she pops another chip inside her mouth, a hint of mischief in her face. it’s the good kind, of course, because she feels like yulhee has no idea what she’ll be up for when it’s celeste’s time to take over entirely.

“yah! if that was the case i would absolutely go and get the implant because really...” she moves around, only to sit on her knees and point at herself, “i need more body, so i should probably go and get that done. i’ll let you know how that comes out and if you like it? you can go ahead and try it too.” she reaches over for her own milkshake, takes a sip... and chokes on it. yulhee bringing up the topic about the boy she’s /talking to/ being just too much for her.

“uuuuugh, i’m not going to pay attention to titanic now with that question!” dramatically, taehee plops back down on bed, except this time she rests her head on yulhee’s lap, brings her hands up and covers her face, “look at this, i’m almost twenty-eight and i start behaving like a teenager every time i think about him, this can’t be healthy.” not at all and for many, several reasons. “i obviously don’t have to tell you to keep it a secret because everything we talk about should always be secrets between us, so.” she sits up again, a deep sigh escaping her. “okay so... a disclaimer? this isn’t a love story at all and it’s actually... pretty tragic? because i just like this guy so much but, i don’t think he likes me back? i mean, as a friend, yes! but as something more? i don’t think so.”