tired

“Doyoon, hyung, what the fuck is going on. Have they called you in yet?” He says plainly upon approach, pulling himself together enough to actually form a sentence. It’s intended as a question, but comes out as a statement. There’s something teasing the back of his voice, something unfamiliar that you’d only notice if you were finely attuned to his usual mannerisms and even only then if you were straining. Panic. Uncertainty.  Fear. “You’re supposed to be the sensible one, tell me that I’m not the only one who thinks this whole thing is insane.” The words come fast and louder than perhaps is ideal, laced with their usual venom and thrown with force before he even has a chance to answer. He can feel the glare still lingering on his face, tries his best to contain the raging beast within, hopes that Doyoon knows it isn’t directed at him. “When they came to me with this idea I didn’t think they’d actually follow through, the fucking morons.”

“They’ll listen to you. You could still talk them out of this.”

there is nothing unusual about being called in – especially when you’re a member of such a problematic group like POIZN – it’s like a regular part of their promotional cycle. if anything, it would be completely strange not to receive a call that invited him into the meeting room.

it’s tense and uncomfortable in the room, which is something doyoon became used to throughout the years, but it’s a different kind of tense and uncomfortable. he wonders how big of a problem they are in for now – surely nothing can be as big as the trouble the group has caused before.

it would be a lie to say he’s surprised by what is revealed to him, because it’s possible the thought has occurred to each of the members at least once these nine – almost ten – years. it’s possible that they have mentioned flippantly but passionately in passing about their reluctance to continue on; just waiting and dwindling until the end comes to them naturally. it’s possible that those two, who found themselves too impatient to wait it out, tried to convince doyoon to join them as well. it’s possible that doyoon thought about joining them, and is still thinking about joining them. and it’s possible that management can read doyoon like a book because they offer him something they know he will not want to turn down.

it’s a thought that quietly creeps up on him from time to time – the one that sticks to him like a wedge in his brain – but was too timid to actually reach for it. he’s been quiet and careful, playing cautious and abiding to their rules for the most of the run, so being offered a solo to save themselves – because desperate times call for desperate measures – frustrates him. but what frustrates him even more is that he fell in their hands so easily, accepting their offer to give him a solo without a second thought.

so the entire meeting doesn’t leave him in good spirits ( he doesn’t think he had ever left that room in a positive mood ), and it mostly has to do with the opportunity they had given him. not entirely by the two members leaving, though, since that was…inevitable — he just didn’t think it would be happen this quickly.

heat rushes to doyoon’s head and  it’s a rush that’s too fast for him to catch, so he tries to find a place – a bathroom, a studio, a practice room, a corner to hide behind a potted ficus would be fine too – just anywhere quiet where he could calm down, but it’s a struggle when it feels like the entire world is spinning too quickly for his own good.

he’s not sure where he is, just that he’s still inside the company building and that he’s sitting on something. the first thing he does when he sits is to stop breathing so heavily. when that didn’t work, he takes out his phone instead, going straight to the two members who caused this to change his initial, ambiguous of “i’ll think about it” to a simple but firm, “no.” he moves on to call chanyeol and taeho – who knows what kind of trouble they’d get into by hearing this – but never makes it because he hears chanyeol calling him. he pushes his phone and his hands deeply into his pockets, mostly to hide his shaking hands.

he’s seen chanyeol’s fury countless times – even been on the receiving end of it a few times, far, far in the past – but there’s something else that doyoon sees and hears; something that chanyeol rarely shows to others. so right about now, doyoon would greet chanyeol with a smile but he doesn’t think he can manage one in his current state; doesn’t think he can even pat him on the shoulder to emptily promise him that everything is going to be alright.

he nods weakly in response instead and stays silent for the most part, only breaking it when chanyeol grows louder with each passing second. doyoon doesn’t usually speak with so much force, but he feels a need to interrupt the young man’s chain of growing fury for a second. “kang chanyeol, clam down.” doyoon puts out his hand – thankfully, its shaking isn’t as violent as before – in front of him to emphasize this.

doyoon shakes his head, and the dizziness returns to him. “i can’t chanyeol. i really can’t.” because that single ‘no’ broke the fragile tie that held them together. “they’re not going to listen to me.” because he pushed them away. “you know how stubborn they are.” he runs his hand through his hair. “chanyeol can we just—” a frustrated sigh. “—can we talk somewhere else?”

he feels his breathing becoming heavy again. he tries to swallow it down.

“hey.” he chances, because if there’s another soul that feels the way he does, it’s worth taking a risk. “you're… duke, right ?” jihun uses the man’s stage name because that’s his senior after all, and even if they’re far away from the stage lights, it seems somewhat appropriate still. “from poizn?”

doyoon isn’t very territorial of the things he likes. for the most part, he shares if others want a piece of what he owns because he was raised to believe that it was the right thing to do and he isn’t fussy about it either. but there are certain things he is reluctant to let go of, and this is one of those things.

he’s sure he hasn’t told any of the other poizn members about this place and he’s equally sure that they aren’t even aware a place like this exists — this place is only for him and two others: james-dean jeon, and poizn’s main rap and vocalist, duke. no one else. so there’s a bit of an acidic taste that spread throughout his tongue when he hears his name being called.

he knows it isn’t his imagination because he almost always makes sure to stop himself from drinking before he completely loses grip on reality. he looks directly at the person who called for him. the man has a familiar face, but he runs into a lot of familiar faces, and with the liquor added to his system, it makes it slightly more difficult to match the face with the correct name.

“ah! indiGO’s…” he wags his finger, as if the motion would help him remember the name. he smiles — more for himself than for the man next to him – for finally remembering his name; a lightbulb lights and he mentally claps his hands together when the realization hits him. “jihun! moon jihun!” he says and he follows it up with soft, embarrassed laughter. he bows his head slightly to give the indiGO member a proper greeting.

doyoon’s hand flies up to cover the bottom half of his face, mostly in an attempt to hide the heat that’s starting to grow. it is unusual of him to get so flushed, even when it did involve drinking ( he had always stayed the same – maybe with a hint of giggling from time to time ), so he deduces the creeping redness of his face originates from the shame he feels for not recognizing jihun as fast as he hoped. 

he takes a tiny peek at the bottle in front of him – half empty. maybe that’s the reason for his added slow pace.

“I think yer right.” He whispered into the camera. “Poisn’sDuke-seombaenim.” His eyes widened with shock. “This'z a coincidence really. ShouldI introduce m'self? I dunno if it’s rude.” He chuckled softly into thecamera.

the process of getting a tattoo now is longer than what he had remembered, but that is probably due to the fact that his previous tattoo was much smaller and included less detail than the one he is getting right at this moment. so doyoon stares at the ceiling; counts the patterns etched onto its tiles, just so he can make the time go by faster.

after a few pokes here and there, he realizes the artist takes out the needle every three hundredth pattern. so doyoon counts up to three hundred, inhales and exhales heavily, and starts to count again. he loses count by the time he reaches a certain number in the hundreds, though. and just as he was losing count, his phone vibrates yet again. he doesn’t check it for a while, not until he feels his tattoo artist change positions. then, moments later, when his neck starts to become sore, he looks down and checks the notification. he gasps.

the tattoo artist remains unaffected by his subtle outburst, but he can sense the slight irritation in their voice and reminds him to keep still. doyoon apologizes for moving, but he still shows them lee yeongshik’s reply.

“it’s just a thumbs up.”

oh. they don’t get why doyoon is so excited.

it isn’t just a simple thumbs up because there are three thumbs ups, to be specific, and that is completely different from only one single thumbs up emoji. if anything, lee yeongshik’s reply to doyoon’s little comment means he is being acknowledged; that he is being noticed ( he also finds it a bit odd that lee yeongshik actually replied to his comment of all things, but shoves the thought to the back of his mind. ) though doyoon decides not to explain his excitement so they could return to their work. he only smiles to himself. he moves his arm, the one that isn’t being worked on, just a bit to like lee yeongshik’s comment. his finger twitches so he likes, unlikes, and likes it again all in a span of one second.

but that’s when doyoon tells the tattoo artist to pause for a little while because lee yeongshik is doing a livestream.

the tattoo artist is annoyed so doyoon assures them it’s just for a minute. he keeps his phone close to him, but he doesn’t hear a word the guitarist is saying because of the sounds beside him — all he can manage to figure out is that yeongshik’s tattoo is finished. unfortunately, doyoon’s arms are too busy keeping still to comment on it but he thinks yeongshik’s tattoo turned out well. he also sees the comments that scrolls through the screen, and there are a few particular ones that catches his eye immediately.

doyoon can see clearly now: similar chairs and ceiling decorating the background, and behind yeongshik are two people — one that looks eerily similar to his tattoo artist and another person who’s wearing the same exact shirt doyoon is wearing...because it is him.

she just wants him to see why she made that change, “i get it. maybe what i’m doing is just out of pure desperation, who knows. but it’s kind of working, you know? did i tell you i’m releasing a solo next month? it seems they believe in me, in what i can do, in my brand! it’s been so long since the company has trusted me with something and i feel like i can take this ball and run with it and this time no one will take away this from me.” reaching out, she grabs his hand and squeezes it, making sure to keep eye contact with him, “oppa, please feel proud of me, yes? people often say we don’t need anyone’s approval for anything but, you know how much you mean to me, don’t you? so, it would mean a lot to me if you could truly support me. from the heart.”

there he goes – flinching, visibly, when taehee looks over at him. there is something like a silent snap that lies in her eyes and doyoon cuts off their connection, almost immediately, by looking away. it’s like she can see right through him. 

it’s not that i don’t like it. you know that’s not what i mean, he wishes to say. however, his voice does not come out because he knows that that is not a thing he should say to lift her spirits, and he certainly does not know what to do to regain the light-hearted atmosphere they had previously shared.

and maybe that is the price to pay since, in a way, taehee is right. he is not the biggest fan of the dramatic 180 degree flip with her public persona, but his personal feelings towards this has absolutely nothing to do with taehee herself. doyoon lurches forward, curling into himself just as taehee does the exact opposite.

and he folds deeper and deeper. maybe, just maybe, it would have been a better idea to tell taehee what she wanted to hear. but at the same time, he has no right to present her with empty lip service — not when taehee is a precious friend that doesn’t deserve to be lied to. their bond isn’t shallow like that — it’s tighter than the knot growing in his stomach ( their friendship is much more pleasant, of course. )

he stays in his own mental conflict, feeling even more worthless that that he is making this all about him rather than congratulating her. but he immediately stops; does none of that when taehee brings up sooyeon, sunjung, and her “lack of worth” in heaven in general. doyoon feels a grimace quickly overshadowing his guilt.

“hey.”

he feels the vibration of his throat when he says this, but he is too quiet and he fails to catch taehee and drag her out of that spiral. he repeats himself and even though his voice is firmer, it still remains too quiet; he loses his timing. but she manages to make him finally raise his head and look at her, horrified and saddened that she would even compare herself.

he accepts the way she holds his hand and he can feel her desperation spilling into his hand; he returns the action, equally desperate for her to believe him. he inches closer, closing the distance between them ever so slightly; he can feel it. he gives her a smile, trying to follow her excitement. “that’s really great, taehee. it’s about time you get a solo—“ he even quietly adds a silly little joke to lift up her spirits, “i know this company is generally slowly with…everything, but i didn’t know they’re this slow.” he brushes off the silly little comment on his own and returns with his routine seriousness. “i am proud of you, taehee. you know i will always support you and root for you. please never doubt that.”

he decides to come clean with his own feelings towards her change. “it’s just that — it has nothing to do with you, taehee. really, it doesn’t —“ the dryness of his mouth becomes more and more prominent the more he tries to avoid making taehee even more upset. but he throws his head back slightly and sighs because he doesn’t think he can avoid it any longer.

“is it really that bad?” she hopes it’s not, she hopes he’s just joking, “i will be twenty-eight in some weeks. it was.. kind of necessary.” half-true, because the other half lies on the fact she just needed something fresh to do with her character, something fun for her to toy with. but truth is, she sometimes cares too much about the opinions of those that matter to her and the idea of doyoon not liking what he sees, it’s close to soul crushing. “you can be honest.” as they always are.

doyoon follows along and laughs with her, because it is indeed foolish to think that 99 would add a new member now. how silly of him! however, the sound does not flow out of him naturally like it should. in fact, he feels that his laughter is slightly stilted, the type of laughter he uses out of sheer politeness than genuine amusement.

but even though he is used to being polite, blocking off his own thoughts to cultivate the ego of another, he finds it difficult to do that with taehee. he just can’t find the heart to do that. so he winces, a hint of guilt washing over him with taehee’s response.

was he being too obvious with his discomfort with her sudden transition? doyoon places a hand over his mouth, to hide the shame that originated from being so judgmental towards his friend. he thinks about how to respond. he should trudge carefully — he doesn’t want to be yet another source of pain in taehee’s side but he also did not want to betray her trust by fabricating a lie.

“it’s nothing like that,” his words are accompanied by a slight grin which serves to encourage what she is doing; to tell her that she is doing the right thing. “i think it’s great that you’re doing what you want,” but since he means this so whole-heartedly, he drops the smile and trades it for a reassuringly serious tone; the usual softness of his tone momentarily nonexistent from his vernacular. “and it seems to fit the new direction heaven’s going.”

doyoon’s words are for both taehee and himself, trying hard to — more than anything — convince him that taehee’s 180 degree transformation is a good thing. ( and he truly believes that it is a good thing. really. ) so he returns to the smile – it had always been a go-to for him, anyway.

pulling back from the embrace and gesturing absentmindedly at her comfortable attire and makeup-less face. “i’m here to record for the comeback.” 

the im sooyeon he sees on screen, shrouded in light and designer dresses, and the im sooyeon who stands in front of him in her natural attire are both ethereal – there is no denying that – but seeing her with his own eyes, without a filter dividing the two, is different. maybe it’s her warmth, or her softness, or a mix of both; he can’t really describe the difference nor can he put his finger on it, but he knows there is something and he can feel it with all five of his senses.

im sooyeon smiles, and he reflects her expression – his initially small smile growing wider, but retaining that signature jeon doyoon sheepishness. her voice carries like spring water, clear and smooth. no, it is equivalent to a crystal — precious and brilliant. he feels his heart exploding and tightening simultaneously as she plunges deep into his chest, his form, himself. she fills in his gaps with her own. they fit so flawlessly, as if god chipped away parts of them just so the two can fill their missing pieces with each other together like this.

doyoon’s arms hover over her back awkwardly, wondering if he should bury her deeper into him; to keep her there so no one else could hold her like she is holding him right now. but she breaks off their connection by pulling away, just when he decides to reciprocate her embrace. the serene expression that sloppily covers his face slips off for a second, and he’s filled with the unforgiving surge to pull her back into him. but he regains his composure and his previous smile not even a second later as sooyeon’s speaking soothes out the wrinkles that started to form on his forehead. she carries him away to another dimension, and doyoon decides that he does not mind the distance too much after all since he can have a clear view of her face and the small but dazzling sparkle in her eyes that he is so fond of.

he nods with the rhythm of her speech, like he’s stuck in a trance. isn’t he always when it comes to her? but he returns to his own state of mind quickly, and quite frankly, rudely. the light swaying of his head stops, the motion becoming more and more rigid as he continues to process sooyeon’s words.

“i…had some input,” he admits with a small laugh that carries enough shyness to make him seem guilt-free of the things he had put into the song. however, the dip in his mood rises just as quickly has it had dropped. 

She asked him for the image file and prepared the transfer. They spent a couple of minutes deciding on the size and the placement, and before he knew it, he was lying down on his back in the chair, his arm extended and was aggressively struggling not to flex too much as the small needle bobbed in and out of his skin. It reminded him of when a fishhook had latched itself to the back of his hand and had accidentally been tugged against his skin. The feeling was like a small, sharp, deep cut. Painful, but not unbearable. The sentiment behind his tattoo made the entire experience worth it.  

doyoon’s gotten his first tattoo years ago — late within the year of 2015, to be exact. when his piled up frustrations finally hungered for revolution; when he finally decided to break free from his typical habits; when he finally thought he had gained independence from their shackles. but what he had deemed as regaining his freedom and reclaiming himself was nothing but a joke to them — not even affected by doyoon’s sudden interest in tattoos. they were like dismissive parents letting him do whatever because they got their hands full with greater problems, a comparison that hits just too close to home.

but he supposed it was entirely his own fault for picking such a tame tattoo, in a place obscured by layers of fabric ( he doesn’t regret getting it since he liked it; though, his grandmother was not very fond of hearing about it, despite it containing a direct citation from the bible. )

doyoon’s return to the tattoo parlor now, some years later, is fueled by his own desire to add to his collection — no outside forces contribute to his sudden spike of interest in adding to his body ink collection this time ( well, not as much. )

he is surprised that the artist who had previously worked on him is working with him again, and they recognize him instantly even though he knows there isn’t much to remember about him ( and then, doyoon remembers that he’s a public figure, so of course he’d be recognized. ) the two chat for a bit — first about the weather, then about how he looks slightly less frustrated and tired, if that is even possible ( it’s a joke, so they exchange laughter. ), and finally about the design and placement of doyoon’s tattoo. it is not a smooth transition between subjects so when an awkward break sits in the air, doyoon’s somewhat grateful for the notification that vibrates his phone.

“oh sorry, let me just check this for a second.”

his tattoo artist nods and doyoon quickly opens up the notification. it’s an instagram story and he smiles, teeth and gums flashing against the screen of his phone. quickly, he comments on the update: “get it, boy! 👏👏👏” all in english from doyoon’s personal instagram account — not the best decision he has made, but excitement can make a man do unspeakable things, and that excitement is obvious to the artist across from him. they mimic his smile.

“i don’t think i’ve ever seen you smile like that. did you see something good?”

doyoon’s hand goes to cover his mouth, trying and failing to tug off the smile that reappears on his face over and over again. “an artist i really like and respect is getting a tattoo,” he pauses to look down at his phone, “and he’s getting it here.” his smile grows and the tattoo artist is surprised to see it getting wider. they ask doyoon who it is, that maybe they have worked on them before.

“lee yeongshik-ssi, from xlnc…he also has a youtube channel and a very nice voice,” doyoon answers almost immediately, excitement becoming one with his usual subdued inflection. the tattoo artist laughs and gets their tools ready, commenting that they’ve never tattooed him but the name did sound familiar.

they disinfect his skin and ask doyoon what he would do if he actually met lee yeongshik, and doyoon doesn’t really know what he’d do, or if he would do anything at all. he doesn’t answer until the artist pulls away — the first of many.

POIZN RETURNS WITH ‘KILLING ME’