DIAMOND MILK.

he offers his arm for her to take, just so he can lead the way to the hotel’s restaurant, “to be fair, i think your image would look terrible with you by my side. people love assuming things about me and it’s not… cute at all.”

although she’s only spent four years as an actively promoting idol, and eight years as a trainee prior to début, yulhee feels as though she’s witnessed plenty of people lose their minds after a certain point in their careers: the lack of sleep, the lack of freedom, the manipulation—all of it becoming heavier, and heavier, as time goes forward. how on earth was anyone supposed to cope with weight forever bringing them down? it had come to a point where despite a subtle turn-around in popularity, and now the promise of an eventual solo career, she was beginning to fantasize about running free—booking a plane ticket and jet-setting out of korea forever. the salary she made wasn’t anywhere remarkable, and she knew it wouldn’t be for a very long time, and even though she thought this is what she wanted way back when, she was beginning to realize that the longer she remained apart of 99 entertainment, the more her soul began to sour. after all, what does anyone leave from the industry with anyway?

no long-term relationship. no amount of financial gain. no sanity, or true sense of self.

it leaves you hollow, and though she’s already hardened herself to the opinions of others, she doesn’t want to become crushed under the thoughts she carries of herself. that’s what’s most important to her. though she’s changed for the better in her eyes, she doesn’t want to become someone she doesn’t recognize; someone who, when she looks in the mirror, is only a container and not a human being—one with emotions, and flaws, and ripped edges. she’s afraid that, if she remains under the control of others for much longer, she’ll begin to lose herself. so, that’s why she’s adamant on curating this image in the media that she’s happy with—one that doesn’t oppress her sexuality, or her vulgar sense of humor. even if her mouth occasionally gets in the way and causes damage to her career, she wouldn’t ever regret being completely herself.

however, when she looks at hyukjae, she sees someone who’s in decline... and it frightens her.

yulhee knows that she’s strong enough to brave the crowds, and to fight back, but she doesn’t know if he is. while she knows that he’s by no means weak, she can see how the negativity that swathes him affects him. he doesn’t shrug it off as easily as she does when she’s wrapped up in scandals, nor does he have an image that he can hide behind like a shield. he’s soft. he’s cute. he’s someone that people feel they can easily pick apart, and because he’s marketed as a boy who’s meant to be cooed at, and coddled, he isn’t necessarily allowed to hold his middle fingers up to people; to tell them to fuck off; to roll his eyes; to curse those who curse him. he isn’t allowed to express himself.

all she wants is to jump in front of him when the public throw their punches, or spit their venom, but she knows that she can’t... and it breaks her heart that he deals with so much hatred. if she could take it all away from him, she would in a heartbeat. so, when he speaks to her, and his tone is riddled with a hidden sadness, all she wants to do is embrace him and help him put the pieces of his life back in order. she doesn’t want to assume anything, though, and knows that he’ll come to her when he’s ready to talk, so for now, all she wants is to spend time with him; to remind him that she’s still there. after all, he’s one of the only people who see this side of her.

“no matter what other people say, jae-ah, please know that you’re my angel,” yulhee insisted, offering a genuine grin. “in the wise words of beyoncé, i can see your halo.” with that, she reached one of her hands up and tousled his hair; chuckling sweetly as she stepped back, and intertwined her arm with his. “well, how about today we say ‘fuck everyone’ and have a great time, yeah? all those bitchy commenters can suck it. today—it’s just you and me. yul and hyuk.”

but god she wishes he did, she really did. “luke? olympus luke? ring a bell?” of course it should, anyone in their industry knows every olympus guy, probably not because of good reasons but, still. “i have the deepest… stupidest crush on him. he’s so sweet and nice and… he’s so handsome it’s almost alarming. we hang out and all but… he’s just not interested at all and there’s not much i can do about it.”

truth be told, there was a minuscule part of her that was jealous of taehee.

there was an overwhelming amount of love that always concealed it, though: the hues of blush pink and vermillion too strong for the chartreuse to besmirch them. heaven’s lead vocalist was someone who would forever have a special place in her heart, but oftentimes, yulhee wondered what it’d be like if they swapped places. how would she handle heaven’s success, and how would her closest cohort deal with living in the shadow? while neither group was as popular as they deserved to be, it was no secret that the senior of the two was more desired; recognized for their lengthy careers, and their gorgeous music released every time summer came along, while the newer era effort was lost—ever-changing concepts never giving them a lasting stamp of approval from either demographic. the industry was so fickle at times, and boy, all she wanted was to know all of the answers to her questions; to give people what they wanted without any compromise to her morals. as it stands, though, that’ll probably never happen, and at least she has someone to go though it with.

friendships, after all, are what keep her sane.

“girl, stop…” yulhee began, shaking her head back and forth. “you know that heaven’s gonna be around for awhile longer. if anything, 99′s not ready to let their biggest moneymakers go.” that was certain—without the female quartet, the company may as well start fading into obscurity. they weren’t on the level of midas media. “to be honest with you, though, this free-time gets so boring. i know that i’ll probably regret saying that whenever my schedule gets fuller, but as it stands, it sucks just… waiting. it’s like, you never really know what you’re gonna be doing, ever, and it’s a constant game of twiddling thumbs, and daydreaming. i just wanna… do shit.” with a heavy sigh, she shook her head back and forth; wondering when she’ll finally get into the studio to record her first solo effort. ideas have been tossed back and forth, but so far, nothing has been finalized.

it was exhausting living life in the waiting room.

however, when taehee repositioned herself so she could show off her body more, the rapper shook her head free of the grim thoughts that filled her mind, and instead, reached her free hand over to nudge the other performer; chuckling heartily. “oh, shut up! you have a beautiful body and you know it. besides, maybe we don’t need to waste money on surgery, and can instead, just eat a lot of pizza!” she reasoned, eyes widening when the slightly older of the two choked on her beverage. she knew the reason why, but she wasn’t expecting to take her that off-guard. that only further concluded that she was hiding something juicy, and by the end of the night, she was going to get to the bottom of it. what kind of best friend would she be if she didn’t?

“c’mon… titanic is like, a thousand years long. you won’t miss much of it, hee-yah.” that said, she now offered an ear to her confidant as she spoke; adoring the closeness between them as, and running her fingernails through the other’s hair to soothe her. clearly, this was a stressful situation, and if she could help in anyway possible, she one hundred percent would. “i think it’s adorable that you get so flustered, love. it’s terrifying, too, i’m sure, but that’s not what’s super important right now.” as taehee erected her posture once more, and continued her story, yulhee set her drink down on the bedside table nearest her, and continued to listen; digesting, and examining, every syllable spoken so that she understood her statements properly.

when her secret was finally divulged, she reached a hand out and began to rub her back; almost as if to reassure her platonic soulmate that these feelings are normal, and that she’s not insane for feeling them. “he is cute, that’s for sure. all of those golden midas men are, though. it’s almost unfair.” she teased, offering a smile.

“now, tell me. i’m not opposed to just laying here but, what do you suggest? i’m not too tired, so whatever you’re up for? count me in.” he closes his eyes again for a small moment, “and i do suggest we do something or else i’m gonna start ranting about shit and… i don’t want to. it’s just stuff that pisses me off and i wish i could just let it disappear and yet… here it is, nagging me.”

has it ever been so easy to fall into another person before? has it ever been so simple to exist in the presence of someone who gets it? to yulhee, nothing has ever come easy, and she has no idea as to whether or not that’s her problem, or everyone else’s.

if she were to look on the side of logic, she would deduce that she was the only commonality that took part in the constructing of bridges that she ended up burning—her destruction a wild testament to her anger, to her frustration from the cards that she’s been dealt throughout all of her life. sure, many would take one look at her and wonder why she’s filled with such rage; why she allows bitterness, and malice, to pollute the blood that races through her veins. after all, she possesses many things—both material, and not—that some will only ever long for; her dreams having come true to a degree, but she doesn’t care about that, especially when she feels like she deserves more than what she has.

she’s beautiful. she’s talented. she’s a celebrity. what more could she want? if anyone were truly asking her that for an honest response, she would divulge all of her heart’s desires, and more than likely, they wouldn’t be at all expected. the things she wants come so easily to other people, but unlike them, she’s never had it that way, and she probably never will. what normal person craves acceptance from their family? what normal person longs to be treated with tenderness, especially when they’re so hard? no one—that’s who. no one except for ji yulhee. that’s how she sees it, at least.

however, when she hears him speak, her thoughts stop spiraling about and she’s able to focus solely on him. a genuine grin decorates her countenance, and she nods her head at his sweet syllables; the tone, and timbre, of his voice ones that don a singsong quality that she’s come to adore. “mmm, well, between you and me, you’re my favorite fanboy,” she teased, offering him a teasing wink; her hips beginning to gyrate softly upon his groin. at his next query, though, she pauses to think; her fingers still working their way over his scalp. “i think, at this point, most people already think i’m a bitch anyway, so it’s probably easier for me to accept my fate than to try to change minds. in a way, i like that people fear me... but, at the same time, i wish i could be softer.” shaking her head free of worry, she masked her insecurities with a delicate chuckle—something that she always does. “that’ll never happen, though. i’ll never be soft.”

that said, she ceases her speaking and decides to make the next move—animalistic instincts taking the wheel as she leans down; her lips beginning to pepper kisses along his neck, and his jawline, and when she reaches his right ear, she embraces it with her mouth; working to whisper. “how about we save the conversations for later, huh?” yulhee breathes, then slowly moves so that she could steal a kiss; letting it linger, and linger, and linger. hands move to rest upon the strength of his chest, and she holds herself steady as she becomes lost in him. quickly, though, she breaks away, and gleams into his eyes; inhaling, and exhaling a deep breath.

“i want you to help me... h-help me feel soft.”

as they go down, he leans against the wall and scrunches his nose, “aish, we might have to sneak out using one of the back doors? fans might be outside, or so i heard last night so, i mean, it’s not like it bothers me to be surrounded by them but, i doubt our companies would be too pleased about… you know, seeing us together and you know how people can be with their lies and speculations.”

family. that was something that yulhee didn’t know all too well.

she recalls what it was like to share embraces with her mother, or to be encouraged to do better by her father, but even as a child, she felt a disconnect between she and them—a strange, wild difference that was, at times, incredibly overwhelming to cope with. she saw two figures who were so self-righteous in their beliefs that it clouded their love for her; those same beliefs not allowing them to accept her as she was, and as she is now, no matter how much she tried to reason with them. instead, they chose the path of enlightenment—the path of set out for them by their god. that feeling of abandonment never settled well with her, and even now that she was older, and wiser, she still felt let down—still felt tossed aside and rejected. it only made her realize that, at the end of the day, she only had herself to go to bed with, and when her life came to an end, she was only leaving this earth with herself, too. so, why bother becoming close with anyone?

the flip-side of that was, of course, dealing with loneliness; something she battled night and day for as long as she could remember. as hard as it was for her to trust people, to find people to lean on, and to open herself up to friendships, she’s happy to say that there are a few sweet individuals in her life that fill her with warmth; that remind her that humanity isn’t always as dark and evil as she believes it to be. hyukjae just so happened to be one of them. instead of being jaded, and vitriolic, he was a source of wholesome light that she needed; that she was almost envious of. he carried such a jovial, and genuine, spirit about him that she felt comfortable with, and even though it was hard for her to tell him how she felt, she hoped that he picked up on her softness for him; that he was able to witness her actions towards him, and tell that they were vastly different from how she acted with most everyone else.

in short, she loved him, and would protect him from all of the evils of the world in hopes that he’d stay gold forever.

so, as the pair of them entered the elevator, and as he made himself comfortable against one of the four walls shielding them from the outside, she leaned closer to him; resting her head on his shoulder as he looked through his phone to find a place to dine. a content sigh fell from her lips, and she allowed her eyes to shut for a moment to drink in the affection. however, once he spoke again, she lifted herself from him, and listened in; nodding her head as he closed each of his statements. “i don’t think that’s a bad idea, to be honest.” she agreed, not wanting to bring any hatred, or trouble, to him and his career. “i think there’s a back exit that we can use, but my worry is that we’ll still be found out when we walk to the café. it may only be one block, but at the same time, one block is enough for fans to pounce...” a chuckle escaped her, and she shook her head. “odds are, too, that a majority of them are girls, and they’ll be more after you than me, so i think we may be safer staying on-site?” 

everything was so complicated, and she wished that it wasn’t.

“i will tell you one thing though—a dating rumor between you and i would probably be good for my career, hah. i mean, an intense woman like me dating an angel like you? maybe it’ll paint me in a softer light.” she teased him, reaching a hand out to nudge at his side. before she knew it, though, the elevator doors opened on the ground floor, and before they took up too much time, she made her way out; sights set on the lobby to ensure that no fans were around.

san bites down at his lip, fingers twist into the cloth napkin set out on the tabletop. he was worried about that, truthfully. despite what some of his friends had said about his performances that night, he had been tired. had just jumped off of japanese promos, hadn’t had as much time as he’d have liked to practice. it gathers like storm clouds in his head, the self doubt. “a bit busy, i suppose.” san hedges out, flicks the napkin away and presses his palms together instead. “what about you, how was chile?” he asks instead, because he’s rather talk about that his performance. “i guess it’s not in my image.” he grins back at that, which is sort of true, maybe. he’s been given more freedom as he’s gotten older, as his own personal concept has grown. still, san’s generally more of a fan of sheer, see-through shirts than he is of stripping his way out of something. “and you – aside from chile – what have you been up to?”

turning over to the side, yulhee gleamed over at the handbag she’d placed at her side; the booth she was seated upon spacious, and allowing her the room to fetch the compact that she’d placed inside. bringing it upwards, she opened it and gleamed into the mirror; her free hand working to comb through the waved tresses that she’d styled earlier that morning—ensuring that they fell appropriately, and uniformly, in place. after, she set angled her face so that her mouth was in view, and it was then when she checked to make sure that her lipstick hadn’t bled onto her ivory complexion. when she was pleased, she set the pint-sized looking-glass back into her beloved mini hermès bag; one she purchased after saving a little bit of money from her monthly allowances for a little over a year. in the midst of her obvious vanity, she didn’t realize that she hadn’t quite been listening to what the younger male had to say, but instead of simply asking him to repeat his statements, she just nodded her head and smiled; having a feeling that he’d simply explained away why he was tired in chile, and why midas wasn’t allowing him to show a little skin from time-to-time. even though it was apparent, she hoped that he hadn’t noticed her blatant disregard for his words.

“well, i’m sure that all of your adorable fans will lift you up whenever anyone makes you feel as though you didn’t do that great of a job,” she began; shrugging her shoulders. “you are the ryu san, after all. tired or not—it’s clear that you have a way about you.” that’s the reason why she, too, was so enthralled with him. he had a certain softness that she could never possess. that was the reason why she never fit her group’s earlier concepts, and why even now, she only performs well on songs that are rife with sexuality. she was envious of his duality. “i know i had a great time. really, it just felt good to get out of seoul for awhile. i’m so tired of wandering around and seeing all of the same things i see on a daily basis.” it wasn’t that she didn’t appreciate being home, but it was hard to find beautiful things about the city she grew up in when she’s never away from it for long. trying to find the subject they spoke of, again, she continued. “i feel like our set, though, was somewhat disjointed. ‘like a cat’ is so energetic and wild, and ‘between us’ is so slow. i wish we could’ve done ‘like a cat,’ and ‘heart attack,’ instead. those really get people on their feet.”

she brings one of the chips into her mouth and leans her head on yulhee’s shoulder, lets out a soft sigh, almost too deep, too nostalgic. sharing moments like this felt so nice, it made her feel so normal and so happy, so relaxed. it had been some time since she could just sit back and enjoy life, enjoy the small moments and quite frankly, she was happy she had the opportunity to live those with her closest, if not best, friend by her side. 

with luxurious tresses of onyx-black tied up into a top-knot atop her head, and one of her all-time favorites moisturizing sheet masks resting upon her face, yulhee made herself perfectly at home within taehee’s bedroom—the two of them finally able to reconnect after months of not seeing one another. despite always housing some form of resentment for everything that her senior group, heaven, has turned into since she was removed from the lineup, the rapper has always felt soft for the woman seated beside her; the one who was, unfortunately, not her group-mate. she recalls the two of them discussing plans to share a room together once they moved into their new dorms, or staying up all night to assist one another with learning dance moves, or melodies, when they were too full of adrenaline to sleep, but when none of those sweet reveries came true, it hurt them—the slightly younger one, especially—but now that they both are in groups who’ve made their own mark in their respective generations, they’re able to have slumber parties when life allows them to, and in a sense, take back what they’d talked about back then.

taehee reminds her of simpler moments, and if it were up to her, yulhee would be around her forever, and ever. she’s never had a friendship quite like this one, and that’s what makes her appreciate it tenfold. so, as they relaxed surrounded by piles of their favorite snacks, and with their eyes glued to the television screen, she couldn’t feel more at peace. after all, her friends were not merely just her friends—they were her family. now that she didn’t have a mother or father any longer, she needed to start over from the ground up, and luckily for her, the other woman was her new source of love, acceptance, sanity, and softness; like a sister.

“i honestly don’t even know what to tell you, to be honest.” the younger began, shaking her head back and forth as she listened to the other whine. “this might sound shady, but i don’t really think that i’ll ever fully understand what having your schedule feels like, hah. i’m not sure if that’s a good, or a bad thing, though... at this rate, you’ll be a hundred years old in only a few more months.” one of her elbows reached over to gently nudge her confidant, and she chuckled sweetly to emphasize that her comments weren’t meant to be cutting. “tell me, though, will those hip implants give more volume in the ass area? if so, sign me up for one, too. i gotta my shit together before we come back for the summertime. there’s no way in hell that i’ll be caught dead in booty shorts, or hot pants, if my ass isn’t looking right.”

how cruel it was to value outer appearance over talent, but as her pr team would tell her, keeping up a good figure is part of her job. when she’s complimented, though, she immediately shrugs taehee off; glaring at her almost. “oh, c’mon... ever since we released ‘between us’ and took a small break, i’ve totally let myself go. who knows though? maybe a little bit of weight gain is my secret to beauty?” she added a wink; having never liked being too thin. “if that’s the case, then we may as well finish all of the food you’ve set up for us and hope that it works in our favor, hah. there’re no managers around here to police us anyway!” with that said, she lifts up the milkshake that was prepared for her, and takes a long sip; cuddling closer to the other as her shoulder is used as a pillow. 

the hand that had been traveling up and down finally moves all the way up until he rests it on her neck. “i have no words to compliment you back.” he says, tilting his head so he can press his lips against her jaw, “just look at you. how can i even try to come up with something? nothing is enough. nothing is ever enough when it comes down to you.” and his head returns to its former position, just so he can attach his lips against hers, “and now.. i’m being… cheesy again.” he mumbles between the kiss, “and it’s all…” he pulls back, looks at her, “your fault. but it is also true, you’re too beautiful, i always tell you.” and he does, he loves reminding her and he doesn’t give a damn if it makes him sound stupid. “don’t i?”

with 99 entertainment’s stronghold on all of celeste’s movements, yulhee felt as though she was a prisoner trapped within a stone tower—a rapunzel held under lock, and key, from the outside world and all of its supposed dangers. in the beginning, she could understand why they insisted on shielding the girls from certain things, especially from interactions between themselves and male idols, but after a few years had passed them by, she was beginning to grow tired of how the chains hadn’t loosened. instead, they seemed to only grow tighter—keeping them in line as if they were children yet again. being as though she was on the cusp of turning thirty, she was beginning to truly loathe that she couldn’t necessarily stand on her own—her maturity unable to handle the bars from things that many women her age could do normally. so, predicaments like the one she’s in currently are important to her—their gravity heavy, and never taken for granted.

seokyung offers her a peek into what a life outside of the limelight would be like; something that she often wonders as she’s been in the industry for quite sometime now. adding together the time with which she trained, and the moments after she made her début, it’s been a grueling thirteen years of being analyzed, and spending all of her energy on her performances. how she’s managed to remain mostly sane is a heart-stopping mystery to her, but if she were given the chance, she wouldn’t do anything differently, no. she knows that when she’s old and gray, she’ll look back on these moments fondly: the luminescence of spotlights, the flickers of paparazzi cameras, the fan-meets, and everything else. she knows that the stories she’d be able to tell to her children, and grandchildren, would be almost endless, so she’s proud to admit that she’s happy she went on this journey, but in a few years, she knows she’ll be ready for its end.

what she’s certain of, though, is that the man that she’s presently rested atop won’t be the lucky individual that she spends the rest of her life with—his charms delectable for the time being, but the pair of them knew that this wasn’t a serious game that they played. instead, they reveled in the erotic energy they shared, and were happy to pretend to be ‘married’ behind closed doors, but their unions didn’t extend beyond that point. all she cared about were his hands on her, and he delivered in droves each, and every time. “mmm, i love a man that knows he has power,” she lilts, biting down on the flesh of her plush bottom lip. “you and me—we have the same vibe. i think that’s why we create magic when we’re together,” she added, harmonizing with his sweet statements. no matter how many times he claimed to be ‘cheesy,’ she always found him to be adorable. maybe that was due in part to how she was able to witness a different side of him; one that he doesn’t reveal readily to anyone else.

“ah, noona.” his steps get a little bit quicker as he catches up to her, a smile, although exhausted, still spreads on his face. “good morning, where are you going?” he’s too nonchalant, but also maybe too inquisitive, so he lets out a soft chuckle, “sorry, i’m just wondering because i’m about to go get breakfast.” so he pauses for two seconds, “and i was wondering, if you’re hungry, would like to have breakfast with me?”.

manicured fingernails comb through whorls of onyx black and charcoal; each strand stunningly coiffed, and beautifully waved, and set into place from earlier on in the day. fixed pupils gaze into the mirror before her, and it’s there where she’s faced with herself—each flaw, each asset, everything in plain sight for her to praise, or critique. “hmm...” she hums, contorting her body into different poses to better gather how her outfit fit her; the workout attire that she donned embracing every dip and curve of her frame—the casual, comfortable feel of the fabric soft against her skin. was this ensemble too risqué to wander about the chilean streets in? she truly wasn’t sure, but deciding that she really didn’t care too much, she grinned; not necessarily pressed in any fashion if she was ripped apart on social media later on. being a woman in the industry, she knows that she’ll get dealt cards that aren’t all too fair, but overall, she chooses not to allow the wild opinions of others harm her self-image—her confidence, whether feigned or real, strong enough to cause self-assurance instead of emotional damage. so, without further ado, she places a simple pair of sunglasses on the bridge of her nose, clutches onto her purse, and starts for the door; her mind set on café lattes, and baked desserts.

with how many people she’d been surrounded with over the past few days, she was genuinely craving some much-needed alone-time; her schedule overloaded to the point where she was questioning whether embarking on a solo début was worth the hassle. she was already in the recording studio to work on her group’s upcoming comeback, so spending extra time with the producers, and writers, of her track drained all of her energy—her oh-so introverted tendencies incredibly desperate for solitude. though, before she was able to take even a few steps out of her room, she heard the voice of another person call out to her—a deep, almost annoyed, sigh escaping from between her lips. while the other’s timbre and tone seemed familiar, she had a feeling that it’d be someone that she either didn’t care to see, or didn’t know. in that moment, however, she lifted her head to find that it was none other than bae hyukjae. a feeling of warmth rushed through her, and she nodded her head; relieved to know it wasn’t someone new that she’d have to put on a mask for. perhaps some company wouldn’t be a bad idea, after all?