"Doug and Matt's Cigar Adventure: A Mr. Cachimbo Story" PART 1 OF 2
Matt was a happy man. It was the year 2004 and he had just gotten a job with MorphCorp. He had never heard of the company before the interview and he had to move to the Midwest to a small town. A recruiter had actually come to him! Crazy! For someone that had only a few years of barista experience under his belt after graduating, it was a dream come true. MorphCorp had an office that was indistinguishable from any other. It was bland and it paid well. It was perfect.
He had found kindred spirits in Douglas, who was a little bit older than himself. Douglas was nearing 30 and the two of them were just happy to be employed. The work was fairly dull accounting work with some data analysis but with room for advancement according to the recruiter, whose name he couldn't even remember anymore.
"Matt, I need you to do these spreadsheets again. You confused two different companies," Mr. Scott admonished. He had been working for MorphCorp. for less than half a year now.
"I'm...so sorry, Sir. I'm so sorry. Oh my gosh, I can't believe I did that."
"Well. These things can happen. Relabel them. You mixed up the data so just make sure it's accurate. I went through your recent work and the rest is solid."
"It won't happen again. I am, again, so sorry. I apologize."
Matt was falling over himself trying to make up for a small mistake. He was desperate to keep this job. It was after all his first real job, the first job that ever paid him close to a living wage. He could even afford his own apartment! It had all fallen into his lap. He didn't think it would ever happen to him. Finding a job in a professional setting had been nearly impossible for the first few years after he graduated.
One day, they were called into the manager's office. Mr. Scott was a no nonsense kind of guy. A sturdy, classic handsome dad type in his early 50s.
"Alright, let's see...I have a proposal for a new project for you two. You will get a bonus if you accept. The project is for a cigar company in Nicaragua that is looking to build a base of operations here in the US. We are handling the logistics. You'll meet with the American representative of the company later this week should you accept."
Doug and Matt looked at each other. Doug was smiling. Matt was more curious.
"I...don't really know anything about cigars," he admitted. "I don't smoke."
"Well, it's not a prerequisite, of course. But you should know that it will pay you triple what you make now for as long as you are working on this project."
They both raised their eyebrows to that.
"Will I have to actually smoke the cigars?" Matt enquired, hesitantly.
"You will. At least to break bread with the client. His name is Cachimbo. He'll be meeting you at the Rusty Nail tomorrow evening should you accept. And if it's your first time, don't worry. He indicated that he wanted at least one team member who had zero cigar experience. I already know Doug here likes to have a stick every now and then."
"Really. Why?" Matt was confused.
"Because he wants men just like yourself with no cigar experience and welcome them into the cigar world. He considers it a challenge. Triple pay. I need to know yes or now right now."
"Yes. I mean, sure. I just..."
"I'll teach him how to smoke one. Don't worry. You'll love it. You might get a little bit sick at first when you start out but it goes away quickly. Totally worth it once you get the hang of it. Cigars feel amazing. Way better than cigarettes," Doug gushed. He really wanted to help Matt out here. This could be a big break for both of them!
Matt shook his head and shook his manager's hand.
The following day was fairly routine. They received an itinerary for the next week. Mr. Cachimbo had arrived days earlier and was eager to meet them the next day. The Rusty Nail was an old saloon at the edge of town. A place for local men to unwind. Smoking was allowed, which is why Matt never went in. He was a California boy sensitive to his own health but this job did pay a lot...
Doug spent about 30 minutes talking about cigars. He talked about nicotine levels, different tastes, gauges and shapes. He even had printed out a guide on cigar shapes and types for Matt to learn.
A man's shadow crossed over them.
"From the look of those stogies, I'm guessing you're the boys from MorphCorp." The friendly man smiled. He looked European Hispanic, with the slightest bit of a Columbian accent. He was ridiculously handsome and introduced himself as Mr. Manuel Cachimbo, dressed in an expensive suit and carrying himself with absolute certainty and poise. Matt was instantly mesmerized. This guy was like a walking poster for masculinity. The man's muscles bulged underneath his tailor made suit. His sparkling eyes and insanely good looks made him stand out in a bar full of ordinary Midwesterners.
Matt listened carefully as Mr. Cachimbo explained he wanted to target men Matt's age who were new to cigars with an underground campaign to spread word about his company: Abuelo Fuerte. It translated as "Strong Grandfather". He would introduce his cigar brand across America from his new headquarters. Already, his sales agents and lawyers were handling the legal paperwork and ground work had already been established in Florida.
"I actually own a store in Florida but I wanted a base of operations here because I want to buy property in state. I'm interested in owning farmland." God, his voice was so casual and natural and sounded so good, Matt thought. Matt was mesmerized. He sounded so right about everything. He could listen to that voice all night, he thought. This guy seemed like he really knew was he was doing...
"Now, I brought with me some samples of our products. I want you both to try this blend. I'm very proud of it. It's called the "Abuelo Fuerte: Sudor de Caballero".
"Sounds fancy!" Doug chimed, handling the proffered cigar in his hand with gusto. Matt was less enthusiastic and lacked the confidence of the other two men. Doug clipped the tip with the cigar cutter that had appeared on the table and sucked for dear life on his stick, puffing almost right away. Doug released the smoke from his mouth with a near moan.
"It's been over six months since I had a cigar. But damn, that is smooth." Doug's eyes rolled back in his head.
"We know what we're doing. I know my business. I made some of the best cigars in the world. Matt, I want you to follow our lead. Just don't breathe the smoke in. Release it by puffing. Watch me and Doug and how we do it." Matt was mesmerized. He felt himself fascinated by the smoke. He inhaled it has it came out of the men's mouths.
"Smells...soooo good. Wow. Is this why rich guys smoke cigars?"
"Oh, you'll find out." Suddenly, Matt was learning to clip the tip and hold the cigar in his mouth. It felt so right. Nothing had ever felt more right than this moment. Smoke erupted from his mouth. He was...smoking! He had been shaking with nervousness. All the times his parents had told him to never go near tobacco, his friends who looked down on smoking all faded away. He wanted this, he realized. He had always wanted this. He had always wanted to be a cigar man, to smoke cigars with other men. It had been buried deep within him. The secret desire to look cool and feel smoke billowing from his mouth.
In and out. I'm smoking! Me! I'm really smoking! I'm smoking a cigar! He had never felt happier. The warmth spread throughout his body. God, this really DID feel amazing! Cigars made you feel great! No wonder so many real men smoked cigars. Real men smoked cigars. Mr. Cachimbo was telling him this repeatedly and it made sense. Everything Manuel said made sense. He was so smart.
"Let's take a photo of you guys. This is Matt's first cigar but not his last, am I right Matt?"
"Yeah," Matt said, barely able to control his voice. He was so happy he could cry. He was a cigar man now.
Mr. Cachimbo bought them many drinks and time seemed to slip. Not slip away. They could remember him saying things to them. It was all locked inside their minds. They had to remember because it was so important. It was important for everything to go as he had planned.
The next day at work, Doug and Matt had never felt better. Their attitude had shifted. They felt really really good.
"Those were some amazing cigars last night."
"I know. I keep thinking about them," Matt said. "It felt so right. I think I'm going to be a cigar smoker."
"Yeah? Fuck yeah, man!" Doug was so happy for Matt. Being a cigar smoking man was a dream come true, really. It made him feel so powerful being with Mr. Cachimbo the night before. He barely remembered going home at all. Did they spend all night with Manuel? When had he gone to sleep? Oh well. It didn't matter.
They got called into Mr. Scott's office. Things had changed in that it looked a lot nicer than it had before. Things weren't so drab and gray now. It looked like someone had redecorated. It felt like a welcoming place for respectable men.
"I have a few gifts for you two. Cigars from Mr. Cachimbo. We have a box for each of you and you can share of course. We have a box of Imperial Blend for you, Doug. Matt, for you we have some Regal cigars. Both of them of course mean kings. Mr. Cachimbo wanted me to relay how happy he was with your ideas for distribution last night.
"Oh yeah," Doug agreed. "We had a very beneficial discussion last night." We did? A voice deep inside him asked. I didn't even have time to form any kind of distribution plan. But I must have. I think I said some really smart stuff last night when time started slipping. It was a blur. Mr. Cachimbo could be the best thing that had ever happened to him. No. He looked at the box of Imperials. He was definitely the best thing that had ever happened to him. Doug was filled with confidence like he'd never been before.
Matt was grinning. He felt so free. This was the best he ever felt.
"You two have letters addressed to you. Open them at your cubicles. You will receive instructions for your duties today inside. You're dismissed."
"Thank you, Mr. Scott!" they both gushed. They couldn't contain their smiles as they headed back to their desks. Wow! Free cigars! Matt was giddy. He had never even wanted to smoke cigars before yesterday. No. Wait. That wasn't true. He wanted to as a boy. He idolized Arnold and Stallone. He loved the smell of cigars. That time he was on the beach and there was a man smoking a cigar. And the time in the park when he passed a man smoking. The smell had been intoxicating. He remembered every single instance where he had come across a man smoking cigars in public. He had been mesmerized every time. He had fantasized about smoking cigars from an early age. He had been guilted in his teens and throughout college by friends who really weren't very good friends. They couldn't have been good friends if they persuaded him not to smoke cigars.
Matt and Doug both set their cigar boxes (They looked so expensive!) on their respective desks and tore into the envelopes left for them. Inside was a memo that stated:
Congratulations! Welcome to the Abuelo Fuerte family! I will be sending you assignments via email. There is a survey I want you to fill out. That is your first task. You will answer as honestly as you can.
I am sending you a pdf file for the spread of my company's influence. Your ideas have already been included in the document. I am most pleased by your ability to articulate exactly what your experience growing up in America was like in regards to the attitudes regarding cigars. We are going to be reshaping young college aged men who are ready for the cigar experience. Colleges will be a big part of our game plan. Thank you for your ideas regarding how to reach out to fraternities and organizations off campus that can draw in young men who are unsure about their life goals. We plan to pair our own company's goals with issues of male empowerment and the search for prestige and status. We are excited for the opportunity to welcome you on this project. Enjoy the cigars included today. Please take the time to enjoy one of each of these cigars and submit a review for each. Your manager is aware you will need time to go outside and smoke. This is perfectly fine as you will be on the clock. We will be looking at your writing skills to best determine how much cigar education you will require over the course of your time with Abuelo Fuerte.
Your reviews will be due by the end of your work shift. Feel free to look up cigar reviews and study them as well as the list of cigar vocabulary terms to memorize you will find in your email.
I look forward to speaking with you again.
Sr. Manuel Cachimbo, CEO of Abeulo Fuerte Cigars."
"Dude. How many days have we been smoking at work and getting paid for it?" Doug asked, suddenly.
"I don't know. This is the best job I ever had!" Matt gushed. His sudden newfound energy was inexhaustible. He had been plowing through his assignments. He had been so diligent on advertising, networking, pitch meetings, and he had been killing it with every assignment Mr. Cachimbo had sent them. His review writing skills for cigars was phenomenal now.
"Dude, I know. It feels like I can't remember what it's like to NOT have a cigar every day!"
"Fuck that! Cigars are life, brother! Cigars make me so happy. I can't believe I ever lived my life without them!"
They walked around the various nondescript buildings. A woman walked up and complained to them about the smell. They ignored her and kept walking, smiling to each other. When they encountered men in the parking lot, they struck up conversations with them about their work environment and offered to sell them some cigars at a very low price. Each and every single time, the man in question would stare blankly and then agree he'd like that. They would get business cards and information. It was almost too easy. Men loved to talk to them now. They were working for a cigar company. It was basically the coolest job in the world.
One strange thing was how little Doug and Matt were thinking about girls. They had both spend their whole lives trying to date the hottest women possible. They didn't have girlfriends at the moment but they had been so busy working, smoking cigars and time was just slipping. They couldn't describe it any other way.
Matt thought about high school and all the girls he had to date. Had to? Like it was a chore? All their perfume and dressed. I mean, it was nice for some guys. They were pretty. Nothing wrong with pretty women. They made him good meals sometimes and that was nice. But...it just was so...lacking. Sex was okay but wouldn't it be better with cigars? He kept thinking about it. Imagine getting a blow job while smoking a cigar!
"Are you two working out? Looks like you're gaining a few pounds of muscle there," Mr. Scott told them one day when they came in to talk cigars.
They received their weekly boxes of cigars with excitement. Each week was a different box. They smoked contentedly outside the building and hat home and between assignments, Matt and Doug both found themselves looking up exercise regimens. Doug bought some bodybuilding magazines. It was strange how he had never thought to actually really make a push to gain muscle before. What was he thinking? He was a man. A man should be muscular and pungent. A man should smell like a man, he thought proudly. It made him hard. Being a man with muscle getting attention in public. Imagine walking down the street smoking a cigar and every woman was looking at your muscles. Or men. It was good for men to look at you, too. Jealous of my muscles. Yeah. He drooled and got hard.
Matt and Doug talked about going to the gym but there was something they had to do first, they knew. They had to try...the blend. They had been waiting for it. The first cigar they tried with Mr. Cachimbo had been the best, they both knew. They had been smoking Cohibas and Macanudos, Padrons and Montecristos. Several a day. As natural as drinking water. Funny how Matt hadn't gotten sick at all like Doug said he might. No, if anything...cigars helped him feel much better all the time! But nothing compared with Mr. Cachimbo's special blend and they had been waiting for it. Finally, the day came when they received the boxes.
When Mr. Scott brought them in, they celebrated with some drinks. Mr. Scott was also helping himself to cigars given to him by Mr. Cachimbo. He was doing real well these days, he told them. Even thinking about taking a trip down to Columbia, he said.
Abuelo Fuerte: Sudor de Caballero
Even the words sang in their heads as they lit them, inhaling their incredible odor. The smoke filled Matt's nose and lungs. He had begun experimenting with inhaling the cigar smoke fully. It was such a rush! He felt like even more of a man knowing that many cigar smokers didn't inhale. Probably because he wasn't a pussy, he thought. He was a real man and now it was time for the world to see him walking down the street smoking cigars, showing off his big muscles to the world. He had to get big muscles, he thought.
Mr. Cachimbo and Matt walked down the street that night smoking the special blend together. Matt was dizzy with joy. He told Mr. Cachimbo over and over again he'd never been happier. Mr. Cachimbo smiled knowingly. He would chomp the cigar in his mouth or take it out and slowly exhale clouds of delicious woodsy spicy aroma: pepper and earth and cacao and the scent of his Montblanc cologne overpowered Matt's senses, sending him into overload. The taste of his tongue burned as Mr. Cachimbo slipped his own tongue into his mouth. To feel another man's tongue who had been smoking cigars! To taste his mouth! The smells of his sweat and his perfect voice whispering in his ear! The taste of days old stubble prickling Matt's tongue has he licked his perfect handsome cheeks. The stubble, all the grain sized hairs that prickled his tongue combined with the richest tobacco on the planet. Soon he was deeply kissing the taller man, who gripped him in an alleyway. They held their burning cigars in the dark shadows, kissing and smoking alternately, blowing smoke in each other's faces.
Matt's face became one of longing. He'd wanted this his whole life. And now he finally had it.
The Abuelo Fuerte was beyond good. It filled him with happiness and relief. Matt found himself with Doug at the Rusty Nail.
"You're my best friend, man. I'm so happy we're both smoking the same cigars, brother!" Matt gushed. What a time to be alive! It felt so freeing! "I've never felt so free!"
"Man, this is the life. Cigars and booze and uh...there's only one thing that would make this better."
"Oh fuck yeah. Fuck yeah." Matt moaned.
"Fuck yeah," Doug said back to him. "Fuck yes. I love you so fucking much."
"We're probably attracting attention."
"Let's get the fuck out of here. Now."
Time seemed like it was slipping.
"Just a little bit more. I don't care if people stare. Let them." Matt kissed the man he loved deeply. "We're fucking hot, dude."
"Why don't I take a photo of you two?"
The boys turned to their benefactor, the man who had introduced them to a whole new world of pleasure.
The posed for the camera. Muscular cigar smoking hunks who only barely resembled the two former straight men who had originally met him oh so many months ago.
"So Mr. Cachimbo, when are we gonna take a tour of America, huh?" Doug asked. "Go to all those college campuses full of hot studs just waiting to become cigar men, huh?"
"All in good time, men. All in good time."
"I'm more interested in visiting the factory down south of the border!"
"Again, one day you will. Soon. You boys have been doing better work for me than you know." The two hunks smiled at each other.
Can't wait to fit my big dick inside him, Matt thought. My man. He thought back to the days where he was pretending to be happy with women. Disgusting. They didn't like cigars or whiskey. Sex was a million times better with cigars and booze at the same time. Not to mention he was a lot bigger now. He had discovered the gym. How long had it been? It felt like he'd always been a muscular hunk.
Doug was never popular with the ladies. They had gravitated to Matt in college but he had been so shy and apologetic and fell over himself. It was a turn off. Now that they were both real men, it was different, though. Doug thought with disgust over the women he'd been with. Boobs? What was he even supposed to do with a woman's breasts? He needed firm pecs. Strong pecs. Big fuckin' strong pecs like Matt had! Fuck yeah! Big fucking muscles and big fuckin' cigars! That's what life was all about!
"I'm very happy with your progress, boys. Pretty soon, you'll be helping my business spread across the country. We're going to send you to a university two weeks from now."
The two smiled. This was going to be what they had waited for so long. Imagine all those hot jock boys strutting their stuff. Imagine all the would be jocks just waiting to be unleashed. They just needed someone to free them from their lives like Mr. Cachimbo had with theirs. Before daily cigars and becoming packed with muscles, what had their lives been? Almost nothing compared to what their lives were now. Now things were much, much better.
"So are we gonna show these boys how to be men, huh boss?" Matt asked, his voice now dripping with masculine energy, grace and confidence.
"Oh, yes. Yes, Matt. You're going to be changing lives everywhere you go," Mr. Cachimbo said, smiling. And then he lit up his own stogie. "Now," he puffed a giant cloud of heaven their way, "Let's go home and fuck."
"Yes, sir, boss!" they both chorused, smirking as they left for a nice of utter pleasure beyond anything they had ever known when they had been straight.
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