𝐈𝐍𝐂𝐀𝐍𝐃𝐄𝐒𝐂𝐄𝐍𝐓

“look who decided to show up. and here i thought my last memory of you would be you naked on top of me,” he says, smiles, pauses. “now i don’t know if i’m happy to see you or upset, really.”

im sooyeon’s entire career had been built on desire. her own desire for fame and success, and the ever more important desire that she might invoke from others, there was no type of attention that she couldn’t take -- in fact, she basks in its light. 

so this was new.

taeho’s desire for her had been palpable from the beginning, old friends as they are, and the beautiful thing was so enamoured with the spotlight that she didn’t mind having him hitting on her as if he wasn’t dating one of her close friends. he’s harmless, nothing will happen between them. until, of course, things happened anyway -- and it all fell apart. im sooyeon didn’t feel quite like herself as she deliberately avoided the attention. 

she really wasn’t about to give the trainees around them an earful, half of them wont even last all through debut and she’d rather not have them spread around how oh taeho and im sooyeon are fucking. the blush spread across both cheeks as her eyes fell, terrifyingly embarrassed, and so thoroughly unlike her. 

“why would you even be upset? why should anyone be upset to see me?” a little smile, the usual teasing flutter of her eyelashes. as if she hasn’t done anything untoward, as if she hadn’t been avoiding him -- an act of repentance to someone who wont answer her calls. “i’ve been busy, y’know.” 

now this was good, talking about herself had been something she had done so flawlessly and effortlessly all through her life -- even when the world is crumbling down im sooyeon would go out mentioning her latest accolade to whoever would listen. her manager had to physically stop her from going on even more auditions and sidle up to more directors, even taking it as far as to beg her to take another drama instead of a film. at least then she’ll be forced to spend more time on set and not actually promote the thing as vigorously as she might a film, that way she’ll be easier to contain than she would out and about. then again, her manager seemed to have forgotten that she met her last ‘boyfriend’ in a drama set, and also how most of the people that seem to get her in trouble come from the idol-realm.

oh taeho included. 

they are sat side by side, of course they are, and no one seems to notice the tension between them, all too busy talking about their own projects to care about how two idols feel. when they are left alone jiyeon wants to excuse herself, but it would be rude, so she stays, braves through it. “it’s a beautiful night,” she says awkwardly. that’s jiyeon’s problem, she can’t never stay quiet for too long. “i wish we got a table outside.” she looks at her own lap, hands over it, not knowing where else to put them. “it’s too hot here.” she risks to look at sooyeon, almost smiles but gives up. if only they could rush through the dinner already.

it became increasingly difficult for her to remember that she is, in fact, part of a group. once they were all shepherded from one investors party to another, sipping politely at glasses of iced tea ( or sometimes, water ) before smiling and giggling at various pds’ birthday parties and such. now, sooyeon was forced to do it all alone. although now, she does it all gladly. no longer was she smiling and making conversation for a handful of minutes for a special stage in a music show, nor was the end goal trying to secure a variety opportunity for the whole group. this time, she was securing her future. a little smile and a gratuitous little sip of her soju later, she could be confirmed for a role that she otherwise wont ever heard of. 

somehow, she had felt something remiss about tonight, as she don her armour ( pantsuit ) and marked her face ( makeup ) for battle, she felt a nervous creep behind her shoulder that she couldn’t place. it was after a few minutes of typical small talk did she look up and have her face fall at the new arrival. no one in her life could’ve prepared her for the existence of someone like yoon jiyeon in her life. a constant weight upon her shoulders that she could not shake, sooyeon shuddered at the cruelty of the universe in placing the same rival in numerous facets of her life, was it not enough that they were being compared as idol-turned-actors trying to make an imprint on the industry? 

why had it been her fate to share with someone she had no business sharing with?

sooyeon has been tired of na junseo, so utterly exhausted from it all considering all of the work she had managed to secure for herself. it seemed as if she had succumbed to the oldest trick in the book, that distraction from work had tired her out from all sorts of emotional pain -- for what would a relationship mean in comparison to an impressively fat resume? sordid as it may, im sooyeon much preferred the latter. at least, she’d rather think herself accomplishing more than the shambles of her personal life. 

“hm.” good god, why did she have to open her mouth? why can’t we sit here in complete silence? “dispatch might have a field day if we did.” 

how much would their fanbases implode if such pictures exist? sooyeon would rather not see any intrusive questions concerning her and jiyeon’s relationship during fansigns -- she wasn’t sure if she could keep all of her snide comments to herself. 

“you’d think that after doing a drama with him you’d be off the hook from these things,” she couldn’t say that she watched it at all, but even the great im sooyeon was not immune from the rigorous advertisement that went with prison playbook. did she expect to sit side by side with her ex-boyfriend’s new girlfriend for an entire duration of a dinner? certainly not. but she wasn’t about to let a prospective project go just because of her wayward feelings. 

“what are you doing here?” he asks. it’s such a mundane question with an obvious answer, but he would’ve said anything just so he can hear her voice; just so she can stay with him a second longer.

in a cliche sort of way, im sooyeon felt like her career had stalled just as soon as it took off. with love in the moonlight safely wrapped and aired in full, the whole country had imploded with her new nickname; for who would’ve thought that the little insignificant thing in heaven could have earned herself a nation’s title? she was no longer the spare pretty face in the lineup of terrifyingly talented vocalists, she was the nation’s crown princess, dignified and lovely. god help her, the beautiful thing would rather ride the high of her new title off into another acting project than go back to showcasing her mediocre singing. 

not when everything was so glaringly different now, not when easy summer hits were left behind for deep and gritty tracks. this wasn’t heaven, that much sooyeon was certain, and even though her opinion was displayed so obviously upon her pristine features, she didn’t say a word. not to her members, not to management who were so certain that this was all a step towards the right direction. as the youngest member of heaven and thoroughly shackled by the politeness that korean society demanded of her, she couldn’t possibly protest now; for after six years of pining for a career of her own and biding her time. many had the opinion that she should quietly take the opportunities given and be thankful ( read: to shut up and not abandon her duties as a member of heaven ). 

now of course she was thankful, but that didn’t stop her from wanting more, more, more. 

complicated feelings aside, im sooyeon was ordered to cease all acting projects and was immediately scheduled for a recording session. lips curled into a small frown as she made her way down the corridor of recording studios, only mildly disappointed at all the time she could be spending other ( more important ) things. clad in comfortable shorts and a lightweight shirt, she looked every inch the summer queen of heaven’s days past -- a silent protest at the group’s conceptual shift.

that was when she bumped right into a face she had not seen ( nor deeply thought of, for that matter ) in a good few months, even though once upon a time, it had been the face she had woken up next to, all tangled limbs and handsome features. sooyeon had let a small grin sneak upon her face, her heart fondly skipping a beat. he had always loved her better than most ever did. 

“oppa, hi!” she bounded forwards, wrapping her arms around him and squeezing affectionately. as if no time has passed, the crown of her head fitted perfectly under his chin and his familiar scent washed over her features. sooyeon couldn’t help but to smile helplessly. “they told me at the meeting before and i just remembered, you’re producing this track for us?” 

but he hears the hesitation in sooyeon’s voice and tells himself to handle her with care. turns the knife point towards his own throat and reaches between them, calloused fingers wrapping around her wrist, fingertips pressed light against the thud of her pulse. when he speaks, he weaves his heart, his treacherous feelings into a promise: “you’ll always have me, sooyeon.”

all you have to do is say the word.

something told her that friends don’t do this. they don’t cuddle and kiss each other’s palms while promising their loyalty to each other, how could friends function in such a way? it wasn’t like im sooyeon and kwon jaeyoon was ever physically affectionate with each other before, perhaps a hug and some playful arm holding but nothing like this. nothing was ever like this between them. but as she blinked and stared at her friend with bright eyes, the beautiful thing did not dare move. 

not when she feels his breath on her wrist, not when he’s looking at her like that. so sooyeon smiled, a small, sheepish, little grin that slowly bloomed. with his eyes on her, she felt oddly beautiful. 

“i needed this.” ( i needed you ) “i thought i could’ve handled it all on my own.” 

they sat there, a little breath of silence as she tucked herself into his side-- placing her ear against his chest, as if she could hear his heartbeat through the material of his shirt. 

“i have a movie coming up this summer, then we’re in talks of doing a short anthology series... just something to showcase a bit of versatility.” she murmured against his chest, the excitement palpable in her voice. from the rumours they had all heard from management, sooyeon could not despair too much in heaven’s lack of summer promotions-- it would be the first time in almost a decade that she will be focusing in solo schedules during the summer. a welcomed change, a thoroughly overdue one. 

“since imperial is taking a break because of the whole... situation with junseo--” a light grimace, hidden from his gaze. “maybe you could do a solo release? we could be promoting individually, together.” 

a soft giggle turned into a more pronounced laugh, and she turned her head to look up at him-- smile as bright as her eyes. he was merely a breath away, and she wondered if friends should do this? if they are allowed to speak in hushed tones with barely a distance between them, if they weren’t crossing some sort of proverbial line. 

maybe that’s his fate. or his karma. whichever one hates him the most. his eyes glance upwards, ready to take out his phone and call up the members for a dinner out to tell them about the meeting, and his eyes lock with familiar hues. the world really has it out for him today. he hasn’t spoken to sooyeon, not since the scandal, and then finding out about her drunken night with taeho, and he’s surprised she even greets him. 

“oh,” it’s silent for a few seconds, “hey. how are you doing?”

sometimes its difficult to remember that she had left na junseo a year prior, a whole year, while the wound still remained fresh in her heart, festering at the seams. of course, the whole debacle with yoon jiyeon had helped rip the wound a fresh-- and suddenly she felt as if the whole world had thrown her heartbreak right back in her face. even if the public didn’t know, her relationship with na junseo had been somewhat of a common knowledge within the idol industry, and the embarrassment became the icing on an already terrible mess of emotions. 

but now with her life full with schedules after schedules of things that she actually cared about, im sooyeon felt the energy usually spent on her floundering emotions were better spent elsewhere. she finally agreed that dramatics in one’s private life would only be possible if one has nothing better to do, how could she keep busy back then when management had insisted in only promoting heaven in the summer year after year? 

thoroughly satisfied of the work she had done and even more work lined up, the beautiful thing could only smile in an uncharacteristically resigned way -- not bothering to line her spine up to its full stature the way she used to; na junseo had seen her in her worst, there’s no point in hiding away her exhaustion. 

“tired-- been pretty busy.” 

she didn’t want to ask how he was. for despite her resignation that their relationship probably wont ever mend itself back, sooyeon still wasn’t ready to hear how happy and in love he was. she’s not ready for him to rub it all in, her failures, their mutual self-destruction, she didn’t want to hear if he had been questioning if any of it was even real ( the way she had been thinking, secretly, in the dead of night ). 

sooyeon compliments her appearance and jaein smiles politely in reply, with a casual, “oh, i dunno about that, midas diets mean no carbs, so i’m not eating a lot of sandwiches these days,” with a self deprecating laugh. she twists the ends of her ponytail around her finger in an idle movement, tries to think over what she knows of sooyeon to make conversation. “you must be exhausted, right?” she settles on, “i think i saw you were filming for something coming up, right?” it’s vague because that’s the extent of her memory in the moment- midas has made more than sure that her every waking moment are dedicated to debut, with little room to pay attention to much else at all. “it’s a lot, but it’s not enough to be overwhelming. i suppose we’re not popular enough to be truly overworked yet.”  she laughs lightly, shifting a little in her seat, still attempting how best to compress lengthy legs into the seat’s limited area. “shouldn’t you be up in first class or something? i’d think that heaven would merit higher billing,” she notes, sighs, “sorry you’re stuck back here with the rookies and all.” 

perhaps it was a predisposition of beautiful things in power to feel inclined to be surrounded by other beautiful things. or perhaps it was the younger’s youth and beauty that had pleasantly struck her, the general way she seemed disinterested still at the prospect of im sooyeon besides what was polite -- it was endearing in a way, and not at all annoying in the way most juniors would sidle up next to her just for the opportunity to be seen in her company. this pretty girl, it seems, would be able to keep her head above water and swim against the riffraff of brown-nosing kiss asses. if anyone could appreciate that, it would be sooyeon, who had once been accused of stuck-up arrogance herself when the public had been made aware of the wealth and position of her family.

they had gotten over it, eventually -- if only to focus upon her lack of vocal skills all while being in a vocal-centric group. at least they can’t keep their eyes off her.

“a little advice, probably something you wont ever need, but if you could start bungee exercises now-- your body will stay this way forever.” she lowered her voice conspiratorially, as if it was all a big secret. when seoulites stayed with their yoga and pilates, sooyeon found that her aerial yoga teacher had opened up a new gym and rushed at the chance. how could she pass up the chance to post pretty pictures of her suspended in the air? “its good to be overworked in the beginning, it’s probably the most energy you’ll have in your career before the novelty wears off.”

at the mention of ‘filming’, sooyeon had to heave a little sigh -- she didn’t like the idea of pushing back her scenes in order to perform with heaven, as terrible as it sounds. 

“finished doing the drama and jumping straight into filming the movie, it’s a lot but i do like being busy.”

“but you know, thankfully that didn’t happen. i still made mistakes and i think i’m still learning from them, kind of… i suppose still growing. as an entertainer, as a person and what have you.” she sighs and walks over towards the mirror, looks at herself, “same situation applies to you. if that friendship you claim you fucked up is still something that you want then… try to fix it. anything is amendable if you want it that way. you say you’re sorry, but you didn’t specify if you want to fix it, so if you do? you can try.” then she looks at her, “if it’s a mistake that still bothers you so much then you do your best to try to fix it. push your pride away and try.” taehee lets out a sigh, even shrugs a little, “but if you don’t want to fix it, then don’t. but then move on. why… get yourself stuck in a situation you don’t care to fix nor change? think about it. why would you keep doing this to yourself? you’re better than that because you are actually right, you ARE strong and smart, really smart. so if you want it to get better, go and fix it, or try to. if you don’t want to, or if it doesn’t work? then move on. try to move on.”

“he was an asshole.” 

sooyeon was quick to point out, the frown deepening at the thought of the man that had brought lee taehee into the brink of self-destruction. she had hated him then, the way she hated every man that managed to tear apart women in her life, and the mention of his assertion of power above a woman that was so strong already, the younger girl nearly shivered in renewed fear. if flimsy na junseo could throw her out of orbit, what chance would she have with real men of the world? again, lee taehee managed to command respect without even trying. 

sometimes, she marvelled at how much power the older girl wields, and how it all might be pushed to the sidelines by her sunny disposition -- it became easy to forget the strength that hid behind the smiles. 

“i can’t imagine going through all of this in public.” she sighed, a delicate shudder passing through her features. “but you’re right- what else could i do but apologise and move on, it’s not like i could do it all over again.” 

( she would, in a heartbeat, but unfortunately modern science hasn’t caught up to mcu lore ) 

“i’m not smart,” she asserted, the words tumbling out into a graceless heap. “ryan said that i wasn’t even human -- that i lived in my head and lived as a victim... that my life is a performance.” 

saying it all out loud almost forced the tears back into her eyes, and she fought to keep them at bay, fought to keep the reality of her words to hang even heavier in her heart. 

“it’s true.” a hasty addition, a blurted confession, her mind grasped at the briefest of respite that came with bursts of truth. sooyeon tried smiling, and she wasn’t quite sure if it registered at all on her face: shouldn’t the truth set you free? wouldn’t such a thing make one smile? “i’m selfish like that, and i fucking loved living like my life like a film, like i was beautiful and untouchable like ...kathie moffat or something.”

she laughed bitterly, the words coming out of her mouth sounded even more ridiculous than it did in her mind. so instead, she folded herself into taehee’s side, decidedly something that kathie fucking moffat would never catch herself doing. 

“i’ve been into haikus too, they’re tricky bastards to write though. you wouldn’t expect it but they are.” he laughs the last part out as he clicks open an app on his phone. “i can call you a cab. do you need some water?” he wonders out, flips his phone to show her the home screen to kakao taxi.

in the still of the night, im sooyeon regarded choi daein with hazy eyes, slowly blinking, all fluttering lashes and pink cheeks. there was a certain expectation when it came to boys who sidled up to her side, they were always too eager to please, too eager to show off their money, power, or what ever men thought that would help her spread her legs. so when the word ‘naruto’ came out of daein’s lips, the lithe form of the girl almost doubled over in laughter. the sound cut through the night, and sooyeon could only think of how unbecoming she looks after the fact. 

“oh i don’t doubt it.” she said, hugging her arms around herself to brace against the wispy january air -- her coat hanging off her shoulders the way unaffected, beautiful things like tippi hedren might trot away in beautiful italian leather shoes. “i wouldn’t know - i learnt to let people smarter than me do all the thinking, it wouldn’t do me any good to try.” 

what use was her dictionary-sharp memory of important cinema movements? none of it matters when it came to the actual film industry, the public is generally predisposed to accept actors in daily dramas more than anything, and god knows they’re not quite the pinnacle of creative thought. ( if any thought was put into them at all, other than wanting to shock their viewers until they became so invested that they could not physically pull away ). what use was an education that forced her to memorise monologue after monologue when the public would deem her a talentless idol-actor anyway? 

might as well not go shooting off her mouth and stay quiet, since the men with all the power would tell her where to look and how to feel. time became the only component of her career she could trust, for it could never betray her by moving backwards. 

“no no, i had water inside --” she waved away his concerns ( if they really were concerns and not pure manners ), and heaved another sigh. “i think i probably should, get enough sleep so i could wake up bright and early for my... classes.” 

sure, university ended for her, but having seniors in theatre meant that she could sneak into rehearsals and maybe learn a thing or two. what else was a summer girl-group member supposed to do in the cold of winter?