AWAY

“i’m sure she didn’t mean what she said… you know how people get when they’re angry, we say stupid shit and we do stupid shit, but that doesn’t negate the fact that those actions only rose from a place of love,” she murmured, hating seeing her brother like this. “you know that she loves you, onii-chan.”

most times hideyo liked to act mature for tomoe’s sake. it had always everything because of her. all the times he swallowed his pride and didn’t fight their father, all the times he stayed quiet when all he wanted was to scream, all the times he continued living with the family when all he wanted was to leave. hideyo had made a promise to their mother when tomoe was born, a promise to protect his younger sister no matter what, to make sure she never got hurt – and that he did.

but then, there are times like this one, when tomoe puts aside her own temper and her ability to turn everything into banter so she can take care of him. it was just like this the last time hideyo was heartbroken and it is the same now. tomoe joins him on the bed and hideyo closes his eyes, enjoying her touch. the moments when his sister is sweet are rare, so he will enjoy them while he can.

“i must be really looking like shit if you’re calling me onii-chan,” he teases, not quite himself, but almost there. not that hideyo ever cared if his sister called him by honorifics, but it’s always special when she does. he turns around on the bed so he can look at her, forcing himself to smile. even now, when he is hurting, hideyo’s instinct is to hide it so tomoe doesn’t have to see him like this.

“i don’t know, she sounded pretty angry.” hideyo sighs, looking at the ceiling. “i know i messed up, but i don’t know... i guess things just escalated and now i don’t know how to reach out to her.” and that is the biggest problem: hideyo was never good with his feelings; if things got too complicated he would just run and forget, but now he can’t. not when they are not leaving any time soon, not when the idea of never seeing sujin hurts even more than their petty fight at the party.

wishlist

“hideyo-kun… there’s maybe thirty minutes left in my birthday and a full cake in the kitchen,” she started off in a singsong tone, raising her eyebrows knowingly. “what do you say, huh? got enough space in your stomach after all of those drinks for some delicious… fuck, what kinda cake did they even get, i doubt they even got my favorite, but cake is cake, right?” she tried to sound uplifted, but like always, she failed miserably. regardless, she wanted to smile to let him know she was okay even when she wasn’t, she knew he would make it better. “let’s have some before you get too old and start forgetting about my birthday.”

it was rare for the nishinoyas to act like a family instead of a group of people who lived together due to certain circumstances, but birthdays were always special. tomoe’s were, at least, hideyo could spend his without having to look at his father and the absolute disappointment in his eyes. but tomoe deserved better, and hideyo would always go above and beyond to make sure his sister’s birthdays were always special.

at least now she had decided to skip any family traditions and spend her day with her friend – that hideyo still didn’t like, but for her he would make an effort to tolerate. as long as tomoe is happy hideyo is happy too, all the teasing and stress forgotten the second his sister smiles at him.

he makes sure to arrive home early, not as drunk as he would during any normal night out, so he can check in with tomoe later. and as expected there she is, by his door, smiling at him. many things changed over the years: the countries they lived in, their appearances and tastes, but their relationship stayed rock solid as ever, and for that hideyo is grateful. they had terrible parenting, but at least it brought them closer than they would in normal circumstances. that is the product of having no one but your sibling but your side.

“please, you know i never say no to cake.” he smiles at her, getting up from his bed where he had been scrolling through his endless chat log with sujin, but instead of walking towards tomoe he walks to his closet where he put her gifts. “i’ll never forget your birthday tomo-chan,” he says, now walking towards tomoe and wrapping an arm around her shoulders as they start going downstairs towards the kitchen. “i’ll always remember the day you were born, it was raining and i was bored out of my mind at the hospital.” hideyo has already told her this story a thousand times, but by now it’s part of their tradition. “until they finally told me i’d be a big brother and let me see mother and you. you were so small, like a little bread.” he pinches her cheek softly. “and you also cried the first time i held you. you were literally a few hours old but you were already antagonizing me.”

hideyo gestures towards the table. “sit, sit. i’ll get the cake while you open this.” he gives her the bag with her gifts, leaning forward to kiss the top of her head. “happy birthday, tomo-chan, i hope you like it.”

yhsujin​:

“sure, let’s get something to drink and dance for a bit.” as long as it’s with you, i’d do anything. “well, we don’t have to win the contest to know that we have the best costume, but maybe we deserve the recognition, right? i mean, we look perfect. it would be a shame if people don’t see us,” sujin says, pouting at him. “but then again i don’t really care if they see us or not. i just wanna be with you, so maybe we can forget about the contest.” she leans to plant a kiss on his nose, smiling sheepishly afterwards.

"are you sure you aren’t just saying you like howl because he’s literally me?” hideyo asks, chuckling. sure he will prove that theory to be true the next day when they dress up as howl and sophie. it was impossible for hideyo not to smile when sujin reminded him of something he had said months before, let’s dress up as them for halloween, while they watched the movie. and here they are, dressing up as his favorite characters. what else can hideyo ask for?

had hideyo been a less shameless person sujin’s words would make him blush. but they still make him feel giddy with happiness, his heart beating faster. it was stupid of his part to ever think he could fight any feelings he could have for sujin, to pass them as only friendship. the way she makes him feel has nothing of platonic; nothing can compare to the genuine smile her words bring to his lips, making hideyo wrap his arms around her tighter, pulling her even closer.

“what a coincidence, because all i want is to be with you, so let’s just enjoy ourselves.” he kisses her cheek and the corner of her mouth before pulling away to look at her and admire his girlfriend. “but let’s not stay too long because this wig is itching.” he jokes, pointing out to his head. had it not been for sujin’s idea of dressing up as howl and sophie he would have just redyed his hair black, but hideyo suspects sujin likes his hair blond the best, so he might as well just leave as it is.

( if only tomoe could see him now she would have a field day at his expense, hideyo is sure of it. )

“come on, let’s get something to drink.” he waits for sujin to leave his lap, already missing the contact, before getting up and holding her hand as they walk towards the bar. as usual the place is crowded, but hideyo doesn’t mind, he can wait all night long if he has sujin by his side to keep him company. by the time hideyo finally manages to gesture for a bartender he asks for their drinks, knowing sujin’s favorite by heart – and even this makes him chuckle, how he knows so much already.

with @yhecho

it’s not like hideyo is scared, of course not, he spent hours with tomoe reading junji ito stories, but if he can avoid things like so called haunted houses in real life then he definitely will. that’s why he is actually behind said house with taeyang, both maybe a little bit drunk, but not much, instead of going inside.

“i’m surprised tomo-chan hasn’t found us yet,” hideyo tells his friend, chuckling. he knows of his sister’s... crush? infatuation? with taeyang and although his big brother instinct it’s to always keep tomoe away from men because they are awful – as hideyo very much knows for the virtue of being a man himself – he knows that this will never happen. and also tomoe has to live her life, make her own mistakes, all that stuff, so he keeps himself out of their relationship, whatever that might be. “she’s super into this haunted house stuff, i bet she’d force you to go with her.”

which is why hideyo is... not hiding, but avoiding his sister while she finds other people to make victim of her halloween wishes. he’d rather be there with taeyang. “don’t you think it’s cute we’re matching?” he asks, voice on an annoyingly sweet tone that he knows always pisses taeyang off. hideyo wouldn’t imagine that of all people taeyang would also wear a ghibli costume, but he can’t say he isn’t pleased. “if i knew you’d come as no face i’d tell sujin to dress up as chihiro and haku instead of sophie and howl.”

what did matter was that as soon as he stepped through the doors, he heard a familar excited shout, immediately recognizing the voice, hideyo. 

“yoooooooooooooooooo! tuxedo mask?!”

truth be told, hideyo never thought much about halloween.

sure, it’s a special date because it’s his sister’s birthday, but he never cared much about the holiday itself. he has celebrated it all over the world, ended up on different levels of drunkness, one that once earned him a trip to the er somewhere downtown london once he thought it was a great idea to take his shoes off and walk on the disgusting pavement.

a masquerade is not really his scene, but once again hideyo is forced to go because his mother thinks it’s a good idea and tomoe for once is leaving the house, so of course he has to go as well. when hideyo thinks about fun spending the evening in some fancy gala with yangcheon residents is not what comes to his mind, but he’ll have to make it do. that’s his thing anyway, adapting to whatever situations life throws at him. he wouldn’t have made this far if didn’t know how to go with the flow.

so here he is, bored out of his mind, until he sees a familiar person entering. hideyo is an adult, he should know how to behave by now, but he never does because well, it’s fun to be a general annoyance. so the moment he sees max coming in he yells, gesturing for the boy to come over.

october 30th, with @yhsujin at halloween countdown party at yang2

as expected by the time they arrive yang2 is already crowded, everyone enjoying the music all dressed up. usually hideyo would pay attention to the costumes and even judge them a little. send a snarky text to tomoe about this or that person since he can’t ever convince her to go to parties with him. that’s what hideyo would usually do if things were different, but as it is he can’t pay attention to anything but sujin.

they enter the party hand in hand, the exact same way they entered eunho’s party a few weeks ago, but this time it’s different. no more dancing around their feelings, no more trying to guess what the other is feeling, now they know for sure. sujin loves him, she told him so on what now has to be the best day of hideyo’s life. sujin is his girlfriend now, officially. they can now say goodbye to other people – not like hideyo ever paid attention to anyone else ever since he first looked at sujin.

the music is loud and noisy, but this is the type of thing hideyo likes. it’s what always made him feel some sort of familiarity; they moved around a lot, he lived in different continents his whole life, but this type of party is always the same no matter where he is or what language he has to speak to order a drink at the bar. now, as he holds sujin’s hand and pulls her closer he feels even better.

he finds them a place to sit at a corner and pulls sujin to his lap, wrapping his arms around her waist. “you look so pretty.” hideyo tells her, kisses her cheek, careful to not mess up the make up, and down her neck, hiding his face on the crook of her neck. this, more than the parties or anything else, this makes hideyo feel at home. he raises his head to look at her, smiling. “really, so pretty, i’m so lucky to be here with you.” he has no problem with showering her with compliments, letting her know how much he loves her. he didn’t do it before and they almost lost everything.

besides, where else would he find a girlfriend who is willing to go along his otaku costume ideas?

outta my head

but it’s also him who turns her into this ball of rage right now, who makes her feel like she’s the fucking worst person ever. and maybe she really is, she won’t even be ashamed to admit it. “the decency of being fucking honest? am i not fucking honest to you all this time, hideyo? am i just supposed to tell you that i’m actually a fucking bitch?” it’s ridiculous. this talk, or whatever it is, they’re having right now. she’s tired, she wants to stop, but the anger keeps her going, makes her look at hideyo with hatred in her eyes because she fucking hates him right now. “maybe next time don’t be a fucking idiot and get ahead of yourself like this. it makes you look really pathetic.” 

i’m sorry, the words get caught in her throat. just fucking leave before i hurt you more.

this is not going the way hideyo thought it would.

okay, he didn’t know how it would go, but it sure wasn’t like this. he thinks back to all the times he has been with sujin, this is a first. before their moments were happy, lighthearted, sweet. perhaps, he thinks, that was the problem. maybe they should have shown each other their bad sides from the get go, it sure would help now. who knows, maybe sujin would have hated him and his insecurity, his possessiveness, his inability of speaking about his feelings. maybe sujin would have hated him and they wouldn’t be here now, breaking each other’s hearts.

if sujin even cares, that is.

only five minutes ago hideyo was sure they could fix this, somehow. maybe if he had shut up and walked away he could call her the next day once they were both sober and cool headed and talk to her. maybe, maybe, maybe, it doesn’t fucking matter now, does it?

suddenly hideyo is taken back to a rainy afternoon in tokyo when he sat in front of his ex-girlfriend and she told him that the baby wasn’t his. what he feels now is exactly what he felt then, the aching in his chest, the complete lack of reaction. what is he supposed to say, anyway? maybe just like with his ex this too is his fault, not only because of the girl he kissed, but because of everything. maybe he misunderstood their relationship, maybe he was so hopeful that just this once things would go right for him he thought he could– they could– he thought that sujin–

he thought that sujin loved him the way he loves her.

“i’m a fucking dumbass.” hideyo laughs bitterly at himself. what was he thinking? this whole thing was a mistake from day one and he knew it. he knew it and he kept going because, again, he is a dumbass. “i can’t believe that i– that i–” he can’t even say it, afraid sujin will only laugh at him, will treat him the way his ex-girlfriend did. you’re so hard to love, hideyo, she had told him then on that small coffee shop somewhere in tokyo, surrounded by students and salarymen. you’re too much, just too much.

inconvenience

“—not interested. this is a bathroom—” what. not who he had assumed. “no you’re good, man. i was about to le—.” what the fuck, what the fuck, what the fuck.  “let me try.” so he tries and the door doesn’t budge. “okay, this is fine. let’s just contact whoever.” finger hovers over the contact list, sending text messages to the people who were a the party. 

main hall, far left, restroom. “the signal is weak in here.” the signal is shit and he’s staring at the staggering blue bar that doesn’t load. “how’s your phone carrier?”

of course the signal is weak there. of course. that’s just hideyo’s luck.

“lemme try,” he bypasses the kakaotalk app and goes straight to the contacts list so he can try to call eunho. nothing. hideyo sighs, opening his group chat with eunho and serin.

>> the three blind mice

hideyo:

yo eunho, serin bros i need help i’m locked in the bathroom of the second floor with min seojun min seojun!!!!! for the love all things GET ME OUT OF HERE!!! eunho i’ll murder a man in your house y’all are going to help me hide the body? he is tall also his skin is flawless, the fuck anyway help me PLEASE

the message takes what looks like hours, but he can see they went through. “can’t call, but i think the messages are going.” he sighs. if only tomoe was there she would come right away. maybe less for him and more for seojun, for some reason she seems to love the guy.

this can’t be happening, hideyo thinks. of all the people in the world he could be locked with it had to be min seojun. even his brother would be better. yeah, hideyo can’t stand siwoo, but at least he knows it mutual. siwoo doesn’t smile that unsettling customer service smile every time he sees hideyo the way seojun does. is he a real person or a robot?

“guess we’re locked here until someone sees the messages.” which, considering how eunho and serin are, can go in between fifteen minutes and three hours. great, just great. at least the bathroom is big enough that both him and seojun can stay away from each other. bless the chas and their drug money.

tequila mockingbird

“i can’t promise anything in the same way these other families won’t.” she lazily lines the rim of her shot glass with a fingertip. respectability, prestige, status—commonplace maybe, among these hills, only to remain a novelty within the immediate min family. if there’s one thing she’s thankful for from the way she’s been raised, it’s this. 

“they’ve got bigger fish to fry than tipsy go stop players, anyway.” 

“actually,” hideyo says while moving the flask in his hand, chuckling as he watches sohee’s eyes following it. “yes, it’s very funny.” he knows that look in her eyes, recognizes it from all the times they drunk together, but also from himself. how many times did hideyo look at alcohol that same way? too many to count.

he is worried about her, but sohee is right, hideyo knows. everyone else is too busy with their own things to care about a couple of drunks at the go stop tournament. and besides, he is here with her, isn’t he? he can keep an eye on her and make sure that sohee doesn’t get too out of hand.

hideyo makes a show out of sighing, almost like a father very disappointed with his daughter. “fine, but just because it’s a holiday and we’re supposed to be celebrating.” he finally says, passing her the flask. to be honest he knew he would share it with her anyway. hideyo is a careful friend, but not that much. who is he to deny sohee a good time, anyway?

“i can’t believe they don’t have any stronger stuff here. how the fuck are we supposed to handle our families without some good ol’ scotch? sober?” he scoffs at the idea. god knows he can’t even look at his father unless he knows their interaction will last less than ten minutes or he is at least buzzed, but never enough for him to notice. 

“ so… you’re moping ? ” taeyang added as a question in a deadpan tone, turning slightly to watch where his friend was looking up at the clear night sky. another chuckle left his lips with the next question, taking another drag of his cigarette. “ yeah, i love fresh air. ” the comment was mumbled around the stick between his lips, smoke soon being exhaled into the night sky. “ i can’t risk making an ass of myself. there’s too many people taking pictures and recording and whatever. so, i went where there’s no people, so i can be an ass in peace. ”

“yeah taeyang, i’m fucking moping.” hideyo sighs, following taeyang and tapping the butt of his cigarette over the ground to get rid of the ash, bringing it to his lips right away. he inhales and closes his eyes, lets the nicotine work before exhaling into the night sky. this moment would be pleasant if it wasn’t for hideyo feeling like shit and taeyang’s smartass comments that hideyo knows he will make sooner or later.

it’s always like this between them, but neither leaves and hideyo knows his friend is just as comfortable as he is. he looks at taeyang and nods in understanding. hideyo can’t imagine how any of them can live their lives like this, having to keep their public image in mind at all times. sure, hideyo was taught to keep his dignity – something he hasn’t really be doing lately – and protect his family’s image, but it’s not like anyone actually cares about it if he does somehting stupid. he is rich, it’s what people expect from him anyway.

with @tomoyh

hideyo always thought of himself as a decent guy. sure, he has made some questionable choices over the years, has hung out with questionable people and done some questionable things, but when looking at the big picture he would consider himself as okay. not some virtuous know-it-all like some people he knew in yangcheon, but not bad either.

the point is: even though hideyo considers himself alright he still feels like an asshole.

the return home from eunho’s jeju house was one of the worst trips of hideyo’s life – and he once had to fly coach from england to the us –, one he tried to sleep, but couldn’t close his eyes without remembering his argument with sujin. every time he tried to sleep it was there, the image of sujin’s tearful eyes looking at him, yelling at him. soon he gave up on sleeping, trusting that once his body was too tired it would shut down on its own ( it happened once, when he was still in college, too busy with thousands of assignments until he collapsed ).

now, days later and with just a couple of hours of sleep in total – it will happen at any time, hideyo is sure, he’ll either collapse or start hallucinating, both of which he’s fine with – hideyo still can’t forget their fight. it is stupid, he knows, because he bets sujin hasn’t thought about him once ever since the party, she’s probably already looking for someone else, maybe even siwoo or seojun.

he sighs, turning off his music – his mother had entered his room telling him to for the love all things stop listening to the same song over and over – and sighs. it’s been a week and in any other circumstance hideyo would be getting ready to go out, either with sujin or eunho and serin or trying to get seungjun to go out with him. now here he is, still in his pajamas, his tablet forgotten over the desk, not touched ever since he returned home. sujin was right, he is pathetic.

he gets up, body lethargic, and crosses the hall to tomoe’s room. after knocking hideyo opens the door, walking to his sister’s bed and throwing himself face first on it. if there’s someone who will yell at him for being stupid that’s tomoe, and maybe that’s what he needs right now.

outta my head

“yeah, it was actually so fucking good.” no, it’s not. sujin really has this talent of making things worse when it’s already bad, and when she’s angry, she just spits out whatever’s on her mind, and she doesn’t care if that hurts hideyo. quite frankly she wants to, because it’s really unfair for her to be hurting alone like this, and hurt people hurt, so she just couldn’t help it. “and you know what? maybe you’re right. maybe i don’t fucking need you.“ it’s the anger talking, because no, she doesn’t really want to say that.

she could feel the tears slowly pooling in her eyes, but that doesn’t stop her from saying, “i could replace you in a minute, hideyo. you’re not even that special.”

showing your feelings is showing weakness, his father told him once. hideyo had been seventeen then, heartbroken after leaving london and his boyfriend of two years – sure, his father didn’t know this part of the story, only that hideyo was sad after being told he would have to leave a very good friend. the world is for the strong, the weak have no place in it, he continued. and you are a nishinoya hideyo, i expect both you and tomoe to grow strong.

good lord, what a shit parenting they had.

still, this is the first thing hideyo remembers when he hears sujin’s words. don’t show weakness, don’t show her you care, don’t let her see you down. he was raised to see every person as a rival in one way or other, even the ones who gotten close. isn’t it what love is about anyway? a constant push and pull, a fight for dominance. it’s what his father would say, hideyo thinks, if he knew about his son’s current predicament. ( right after scolding hideyo for even entertaining the thought of falling for a korean woman, a celebrity – and lowest form at it – to make things worse. )

hideyo always thought sujin and him were compatible on everything: they had a similar sense of humor, liked to do the same things on their dates ( were they even dates? ), liked the same type of food and movies. he liked to think he could understand sujin with just a look, despite the short amount of time they knew each other. and now hideyo is proven right, but in the worst way possible.

he thinks about the dinner, about sitting besides siwoo, looking at him and thinking over and over again about how maybe sujin liked siwoo more, about how their relationship was precious to her despite its ending. about how hideyo couldn’t compare, being nothing but a distraction, a way to push away loneliness. well, there he has it, his answer about it.

there are many things hideyo could tell her: i’m sorry i hurt your feelings, i’m stupid, please take me back ou i regretted the kiss as soon as it ended because i was thinking about you or you just broke my heart, sujin or can we talk about this when we’re both sober? or i love you, i love you, i love you.

but hideyo was raised a nishinoya, he was raised for political gatherings and state secrets, for discussing and backstabbing. that’s what he was shaped for, for a world of sharp words and logic, not this. this being sujin’s eyes filling with water as she stares at him, the way she still doesn’t hesitate when saying those words. is this it? hideyo thinks, is this the end? did they even have something to call it off?