The letter that finds it matching pair with the other in the way of it too being written out in fear, but a much different kind, it was the one written with care and adolescence,

the one that read:

“ James, however unfair it may be to write this, to give you one more piece of a thing you cannot have, I must. I have plans that involve me not coming back from, you will not hear from me again. I need that to be okay, if I am to do this it must be in the promise of you living out the greatness you have earned, please be big, do not forget to take up space, live with love and heart and be brave enough to seek the sun when your light is dimmed, please do not be discouraged by me being too cowardly to. Continue to live in ways that make Sirius laugh until he’s in tears, Live so Remus has someone to blame when He doesn’t want to put it on Sirius, Live so Lily has someone to come home to, do not let the shadows of my story fog your future, you have far too much to offer. Thank you for taking pity on the sad boy in the slytherin dungeon, thank you for being good enough hide sinful acts committed in my name, thank you for living a life a never could.

When the rain drops on the window brought him back to the day spent on the potters roof, it had been sunny but drizzling, Sirius had been having a bad day and decided the rain would help, so he’d and remus had snuck away and sat themselves up there, Sirius explained what had caused his mood, it was his family, it was rarely anything else at that time. Remus listened and offered him a hug, Sirius had kissed him instead.

It was the first time they’d kissed in the light, Remus wished he had known it would also be the last.

When that memory becomes too painful he moves from the window and finds himself on the couch staring at the cup and teabag from the morning, only one, the days of two cups sitting in front of him while the raven haired boy sat next to him in their school common room –never close enough to touch, such acts would've been treason to the laws of their fear– while music soothed in the back were so long ago the recollections were fuzzy, maybe they hadn't happened at all, maybe the touches hidden under the safe haven the blanket of stars and moon provided didn't exist, maybe the terrified rush of breath against skin as he murmured a secret ‘i love you’ was nothing more than a hopeful wish, and maybe the echo of sirius saying it back was just another impure thought. He wasn't sure how to tell anymore, maybe thats for the best.