I was about to make a joke about the fact that Scooby isn’t present until the horrified realisation that they probably killed and ate him to survive hit me and it suddenly wasn’t funny any longer

Ruh-roh.

Ruh-roh

A haiku about Mario Kart

Are you kidding me Who the fuck threw that blue shell I will fuck you up

Blasphemy

What the fuck kind of textbooks are you guys reading

Love is patient, love is kind, love pass the dutchie from the left hand side.

mother nature’s a snitch

listen, i’m never going to let you use my laptop idk what exactly i have to hide but i’m 200% sure there’s something

when the cashier gives u back ur change and ur putting it away but u cant do it fast enough and suddenly theyre holding out ur shopping bag and u have no hands and the coins are dropping to the ground and the bag goes up in flames and the cashier is crying and ur crying and ur wallet is screaming and ur descending into hell

And yet there are those who doubt him and question how he gets around the entire world in one night…

santa’s creed

my grandfather and my great aunt both spoke 6 languages fluently and I remember hearing them have a conversation and they would switch languages mid sentence because what they were describing could be more succinctly said in a different language and that’s so cool if I want to express that something is really great I will say the word hella before an adjective

I crave that late night sex that goes until like three in the morning and you just fuck with music in the background to drown it out, yet your moans and screams transcend the music and you just fall asleep so satisfied. Yet wake up in the morning only to lazily do it again, but slower, as if you’re fucking at the pace of the sun rising in the sky. You are literally the sunrise. 

Sign me up