[another event occurs]

shane: now the bed is all dirty :/

ilya: *who is so in love with this clearly autistic man and still can’t believe that’s the first thing on shane’s mind after mind blowing sex* what? 🫥

and then svetlana hops out saying "SURPRISE!" anD UH YEAH IT SURE FUCKING IS A SURPRISE WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING

WHO ARE YOU

*realizes he just got caught letting himself into ilya rozanov's house with his overnight bag on his shoulder*

CACKLING

svetlana trying to break the tension with, "well, one of us is going to have to change"

so shane can kind of guess when ilya will be getting back and goes and lets himself in, and sveta doesn't want to leave ilya alone yet. she knows he has "jane", she knows they've been on the phone together, but she doesn't think jane lives in boston, so she doesn't want to leave ilya alone just quite yet.

so they fly back together, and the plan is that sveta will stay with him for a day or so and then go home. so they have separate rental cars, and maybe ilya has to make a stop on the way home for some reason, and sveta gets there first and parks in the garage and rolls her suitcase into the living room and there's SHANE FUCKING HOLLANDER on the couch, shirtless, hand in his pants, tilting his head back to give her sweet bedroom eyes and then slamming directly into the worst panic attack sveta has ever seen.

and from sveta's pov - does shane fucking hollander even know who she is? has ilya mentioned her? or does he think she's just some girl? so she's carefully petting him and saying, "listen, it's, I'm sveta, I'm ilya's friend, I would never tell, ok? I would never tell--" and he's still trying to protest that there's nothing TO tell, and then sveta sits up straight and goes, "oh, that dumb bitch!! sorry, but JANE? he has you in his phone as JANE???"

And Shane's going, very logically, "You can't love someone without knowing them."

"I knew you as soon as I looked in your eyes."

"Ilya, that's not how that works!"

☆ The most hilarious fics you'll ever read

Lily and Jane's Reddit Adventures by BetterNameToCome (SpoonDeficiency)

Teen / 35K / Completed (series)

"Me finding out that instead of mysterious and cool, people think I'm autistic and lesbian."

Ilya and Shane get Reddit's advice under the aliases Lily and Jane. Things spiral from there....

(Both of them go to reddit for advice and they somehow become famous internet lesbians)

The chips are set to fall by icopythefax

Teen / 41K / WIP

At the 2017 All Star Weekend, Ilya takes fate into his own hands to produce at least one out MLH player by the end of the season. Thus begins his part-time side hustle as community organizer, mastermind, and Commander-in-Chief of the Gay Hockey Army.

(Everything icopythefax writes is hilarious with a touch of seriousness – the magic of the crack treated seriously tag – i totally recommend Everything they write)

the secret society of stick handlers by gurlsrool

Series / 50K / One-shot (kinda)

(A series with several one shots depicting the social media reaction of a variety of scandals created by the queer hockey players – I'll recommend subscribing to the author, they have several amazing fics)

ilyuca81 (otherwise known as lucarozanov) by Anonymous

Teen / 8K / One-shot

Luca Haas tries very hard to not let anyone know about his dark (read: embarrassing) past. Unfortunately, the fans are ready to let people know for him.

Or, Luca used to run a tumblr blog for Hollanov and the internet goes wild.

(I'm in awe about how good this fic is, I have read it a couple of times already)

Best Served Hot by queerteaoop

Mature / 21K / Completed

Dunkin' Donuts puts Ilya in an ad campaign. Tim Hortons responds in kind. After years of on-ice rivalry, this might actually be the thing that causes the hottest point of contention.

(I'm neither Canadian nor American and yet this is still hilarious)

The Rose Landry Bowl by Amazinggrace0

Teen / 4K / One-shot

Or, Rose Landry tries to befriend her best friend's boyfriend. The internet thinks they are dating instead. The Rose Landry Bowl is created.

(Evebody thinks Ilya and Rose are dating, it's hilarious)

☆ Weird friendships you didn't know you needed

Bisexual! This is great! Me too! by DoubleDecker, SugMak

Teen / 10K / WIP

Old friends Eric Bennett and Brandon Wiebe realize oh yeah, that time when we were best friends at hockey camp in high school, actually maybe we were boyfriends? They've been casual friends for decades since then, but when Eric comes out publicly, Wiebe reaches out. They catch up and debrief life and hockey as bisexual men while Eric enjoys his first year of retirement and Wiebe navigates his first year as a coach.

Ilya Rozanov is just delighted to have bisexual friends. Even if they don't always know he's bisexual too. And since his love language is being a little shit, he badgers them into bisexual solidarity.

They're all bisexual and talking to each other

(Cannon bisexuals gossip with each other Featuring Coach Wiebe and Bennet)

Personal (Surprise) Chef by ellipsister

Teen / 18K / Completed

Ryan Price has contingency plans for aliens, penthouse floods and the occassional emotional breakdown (his own). Finding Ilya Rozanov in his apartment - door code proudly abused and cooking food - still comes as a greater shock.

Ilya on the other hand would summarize the evening in four efficient steps: Use Code. Cook. Couch. Cry internally (optional).

Or: Ryan and Ilya are absolute shit at friendship... and somehow they are perfectly happy anyway.

(This is a really cute fic in which we get to see ilya having FRIENDS, such a treat)

☆ Freak4Freak Hollanov

Unhinged love by Madfordinos

Mature / 25K / WIP

5 times people clocked Shane and Ilya being absolutely unhinged about each other and the 1 time it was encouraged.

(They are disgustingly in love with each other here)

Jane is Ilya's Favourite Lay by That_bitch_without_a_life

Explicit / 40K / WIP

Shane does not know what he is staring at when he reads the name of the chat and the influx of texts.

This looks like actual hell, and more importantly why on earth would Ilya ad him to the Boston WAGS chat?

TLDR: In an attempt to socialise in this new country Ilya puts 'jane' down as his WAG to connect to the team, this has unforeseen consequences for himself.

(It isn't actually the freak4freak tag but they loved each other and Shane does some crazy shit about it)

☆ AUs where somethings are different but they still fall in love

ghosts we've always known by impetuous

Explicit / 69K / Completed

Or, everything that happens when your dreams don't come true.

(Shane gets injured really early is his career and his whole live changes)

good on my own accord by impetuous

Explicit / 50K / WIP

Or, Shane is a goalie. Ilya can't score.

(Shane prefers being a goalie, basically)

influential men by lyric_ghost

Explicit / 37K / WIP

Shane Hollander, captain of the Boston Raiders, is the the undisputed best hockey player of his generation. But he's lonely. His relationships with women have never worked out, and he's afraid he knows why.

Ilya Rozanov is a charismatic, openly bisexual personal trainer and influencer. His Insta is half thirst traps, half brutal and perceptive hockey critique.

It's no surprise, really, that Shane falls for him so hard and so fast.

and its kind of what makes the rose situation again so knives because its like ilya fucking knows that he gets shane going, there is no insecurity on his part that shane is sexually attracted to him and that he gives shane something that he is deeply in need of and craving, ilya knows quite immediately i think that shane likes him (that knowing look at the end of their very first interaction) its why he feels comfortable going so heavy in pursuing shane, by taking the risk and jorking it in the showers, and why he goes so all in (and completely overestimates) in boston, because like he knows. he knows that shane is into him, you have to have a certain confidence in yourself to even guess that about someone else and certainly to act on it

so its not that ilya is ever looking at shane and rose and thinking ‘she’s what he really wants’ he’s thinking ‘she has something i dont’, there is some intrinsic quality some fundamental thing about me that means hollander wont pick me, im not unlikable im not unlovable im a great guy im hot im fun im funny and successful and charming and talented and really good at the one thing the boy i like is into and he still doesn’t want me

like if you think you’re pretty great and you largely like who you are what the hell are you supposed to do to win someone over, to win them back, how are you supposed to understand them picking someone else over you, you just have to face the cold hard facts of how this other person may be a better choice than you in ways you can never do anything about

(and in the context of this being a love story about two men pulled apart by their own belief that they cant be together that fucking hurts!!)

arguably “you don’t like me” isn’t ilya expresses that he thinks nobody could ever like him or enjoy his presence it’s because shane flipped the script on him so thoroughly that he’s had to tell himself that to understand why shane did what he did

(and i think this ties into the way that ilya hides parts of himself, like i think he’s telling himself he does that because ‘if hollander knew all of me he wouldn’t like me’ but i think the larger more scary truth is he knows thats not true! and shane would like and love him, all of him, and then what the hell are they gonna do then?)

and its kind of what makes the rose situation again so knives because its like ilya fucking knows that he gets shane going, there is no insecurity on his part that shane is sexually attracted to him and that he gives shane something that he is deeply in need of and craving, ilya knows quite immediately i think that shane likes him (that knowing look at the end of their very first interaction) its why he feels comfortable going so heavy in pursuing shane, by taking the risk and jorking it in the showers, and why he goes so all in (and completely overestimates) in boston, because like he knows. he knows that shane is into him, you have to have a certain confidence in yourself to even guess that about someone else and certainly to act on it

so its not that ilya is ever looking at shane and rose and thinking ‘she’s what he really wants’ he’s thinking ‘she has something i dont’, there is some intrinsic quality some fundamental thing about me that means hollander wont pick me, im not unlikable im not unlovable im a great guy im hot im fun im funny and successful and charming and talented and really good at the one thing the boy i like is into and he still doesn’t want me

like if you think you’re pretty great and you largely like who you are what the hell are you supposed to do to win someone over, to win them back, how are you supposed to understand them picking someone else over you, you just have to face the cold hard facts of how this other person may be a better choice than you in ways you can never do anything about

(and in the context of this being a love story about two men pulled apart by their own belief that they cant be together that fucking hurts!!)

arguably “you don’t like me” isn’t ilya expresses that he thinks nobody could ever like him or enjoy his presence it’s because shane flipped the script on him so thoroughly that he’s had to tell himself that to understand why shane did what he did

(and i think this ties into the way that ilya hides parts of himself, like i think he’s telling himself he does that because ‘if hollander knew all of me he wouldn’t like me’ but i think the larger more scary truth is he knows thats not true! and shane would like and love him, all of him, and then what the hell are they gonna do then?)

One day this kid will come to know something that causes a sensation equivalent to the separation of the earth from its axis.