B E Y O U D O Y O U F O R Y O U

You make me the happiest I’ve ever been. You are the best thing that has ever happened to me and I’m not just saying that because I’m in my honeymoon phase but because I’m so much better and happier since you came into my life. Even though I’ve known you for a few years now I never knew you like that. I always knew you were sweet and kind, incredibly funny, clever, helpful and just the best to be around. But you’ve turned my world upside down. You’ve shown me what it’s like to be loved and to be in love. You’ve shown me how loving someone can be so much fun. You’ve shown me how I’m supposed to be treated and loved in the most perfect ways possible. I’m incredibly grateful to have you in my life. I’m so happy to be finally able to call you mine. I’ve always known that I’d feel your love once mine reaches yours but I never knew just how much. You are so worth the wait. You are so much more than what I expected. Going into this I never once doubted myself or anything because it just felt so incredibly right. It just flows so naturally and it never felt forced. Never was I sure of anything as I am sure of us. Going into this I never thought this wouldn’t work because I knew we were meant to be. I’ve always dreamed about you, once in a while I’d drift away but I’d always find my way back to you. You were always on my mind. And every time I’d come back I’d find you because somehow you were also waiting. You’re everything I’ve ever wanted and everything I’ll ever need. You make my mind go numb. I tend to complicate things, overthink stuff and make up the weirdest scenarios in my head but you calm my mind. You keep me sane. You actually know how to deal with me and I’ve never known that. It’s you I’d take a bullet for. It’s you I’d wake up in the morning to bring breakfast in bed for. It’s you I’d come running home to. It’s you I wanna get better for. It’s you I can see my future with. It’s you I wanna spend the rest of my life with because I can see it in your eyes you’re a man of God. It’s always been you and I’m so ready for it. You’re the most precious and innocent and kindest and most warmhearted and loveliest and happiest and childlike and sweetest and the most romantic human being I’ve ever met and there is no one that compares to you. I am so incredibly lucky to have met you and have you in my life, because it’s a loss not to have known you. Everyday I fall more and more in love with you. You make my heart beat faster every time I see you, every time you touch me, every time you take my hand and kiss it, every time you hug me and pull me closer, every time you say you love me, while looking at me with those big beautiful brown eyes of yours. Simply being with you, sitting next to you in silence gives me butterflies, but the good kind. You make my heart happy and I wouldn’t have it any other way. With you I feel safe and secure and absolutely sure you won’t ever hurt me. With you I feel at ease. I’m at peace whenever I talk to you. I’m contained whenever I see you. And I’m the happiest whenever you call me out of the blue. You make me feel so appreciated and loved and adored. The way you care for me makes me absolutely sure what kind of father you’re going to be. I’ve found the one. You are my life. You are my everything. You my love have my heart for the rest of my life, past eternity and beyond and I know you’ll always keep it safe. So thank you for always being there for me. I love you, darling.

What is wrong with me? Why won‘t I let anyone in? Why do I keep pushing anyone away who shows the slightest interest in me? Why won‘t I let anyone get to know me? Why am I being so closed up and annoyed when anyone tries to talk to me or ask me out? Why am I surprised that anyone could like me? Why do I keep shutting people out? Friendzoning them? Do I know their intentions? Have I already been through the same shit over and over again and am I just tired? Why do I do this? Why won‘t I give anyone a chance? Why is it so hard for me to trust someone or open up? I want someone in my life but why won‘t I let anyone in it? Am I still caught up? Thinking about him? Comparing everyone else to him? Or do I simply don’t want to repeat the same mistakes I made? Do I know what they want? Do I know the drill? Can I see further down the line and do I see how it ends every single time? Do I know their approaches and their trickes? Why do I get so anxious when someone tells me how they feel about me? Why do I get so nervous and quite when someone asks me out? Am I waiting on someone who‘s never gonna show up? Am I waiting on someone that is way out of reach? Or am I way out of reach? Why do I keep doing the same thing over and over again and never getting an answer? What is wrong with me?

What’s worse than a break up, is the loss of a friend who’s still alive.

Am I a bad friend or even a bad person for choosing to let go off of a toxic friendship? Am I the bad one because I chose my happiness and sanity? I know I did the right thing but why does it feel so wrong? I endured so much, I fought so many times and I tried so hard but there comes a time where I cannot anymore. I am out of breath, I don’t have the energy or the time to repeat this all over again. I feel trapped in this friendship, I feel observed, I am not me when I’m with you and I don’t want to overthink everything I say or do twice, solely because you get mad over the stupidest things. It’s really not my fault that you cannot see that you’re the problem. Everyone around you left. You cut all strings to every friend you ever had. You cannot seem to keep someone in your life for a decent amount of time before you go loose on them. And I’ve seen it all. I’ve seen your many friendships and relationships crumble to the ground because you think they did you wrong. But honestly, after taking a few steps back and looking at everything you tell me from another perspective and not from yours, I can see the picture now. And let me tell you, you won’t like what I see. It’s hard for me to say this and leave you but there is nothing I can do anymore. Nothing I do meets your expectations and nothing I say you like to hear, so there is really no point in me staying and enduring all this crap from you when I can just pack my things and leave. I don’t hate you. I never did and I never will, but something in me broke the moment you made me feel choked by your way of handling things in this friendship. It feels like I’m your property but I hate to inform you that I am not. I have a life I like to live without having to think twice about things I say or do. I have a life I like to live without living in stress and fear that you might get mad because you always do and I’ve had it. I don’t like the way you make me feel, I don’t like the way you talk about other people and drag me into your problems, I don’t like the way you make it seem like it’s always them and never you, I don’t like the way you always tell me your part of the story and and I don’t like me when I’m with you. I never thought I had so much stamina, sitting through all of your constant complaints and listening to your never ending stories about your exes whom you clearly haven’t gotten over yet. You never listen. You always talk and never listen. Never have I told you something about me that you didn’t end up turning around and making it about you. Never have I told you anything and you giving me solid good advice. It’s always jokes with you, never encouraging words, never making me feel understood and listened to. You always had a shoulder to cry on and I had to turn to other people because I couldn’t lean onto you. I really do feel sorry for you, that you probably don’t have anyone else but me to talk to, not mentioning that it’s actually your own wrongdoing that lead you to where you are today, but it’s really not my responsibility to take care of you when all you do is destroy everything and everyone you come close to. I feel sorry for you that I cannot stay any longer than I wanted to and I really didn’t want things to take this path, but it did and all I can say is that I’m glad it took that turn. Am I a bad person for abandoning you? That’s what it seems like, abandonment. Then again, looking back, you abandoned everyone you knew. I’m not proud that you stuck with me, despite having had similar outcomes in the past, but rather questioning why I stayed so much longer than I should have. I tried, I really did, and I’m sorry, but I have to let go. You don’t do me good and I need to hold on to what’s left of the good that is in me. I do wish you all the best and again I’m sorry.

There is so much that I want to tell you, so much I wish to tell you but something is holding me back. I don’t know what it is but maybe it’s my uncertainty of your feelings towards me, maybe it’s just because I don’t want to ruin our friendship, maybe I’m afraid, maybe I don’t want to take that first step, maybe I’m not ready and maybe I’m afraid you’re not ready too. Everyone says you’d know if he liked you, if you’re not sure then he doesn’t. But I don’t think that’s always true. Sometimes I feel like you do like me the way I like you, I get the feeling that you want to be near me, talk to me, and sometimes I get the feeling that you like everyone else but me. And that tears me apart. Not being sure if you’ll ever be mine or not, if I’ll ever get to experience you or not, if you’ll ever notice. Maybe even you do notice but choose not to engage. You’re such a magical human being it drives me crazy. You’re the nicest, funniest, cleverest, most annoying, sweetest and the most innocent person anyone could ever meet. I love your kind and warm heart. I love your childlike smile, the kinda smile you have when something absolutely adorable happens and you’re lost for words. I love the way you laugh hysterically when something slightly funny happens and you being the loudest in the group. I love the way you think and talk so fast that no one ever understands you. Your thoughts are just all over the place and you want to get everything out at once. No one understands you but I do. I do the same thing. We’re more alike than you think. I love the way you try to solve everyone’s problems. I love the way your mind works and how there is nothing that seems to upset you because you’re just that happy. You’re like a warm sunbeam shining through the blindes on an early winter morning that touching ones skin. You’re the coziest when you’re sleepy and the loveliest when you’re not. I love being close to you, shoulders touching, feeling your every move when you’re talking. I love sharing little moments with you. I love your high fives and words of encouragement. I love when you’re being sarcastic and I love it more when I make you laugh. My heart always skips a beat when I see your sparkling eyes filled with the happiest smile. I made that happen. All those moments are engraved into my mind and I don’t think I could ever let them go. They remind me of you whenever I start to miss you. I love talking and joking around with you. You make me feel at ease when I see you. But as much as I love all those things about you and as fast as those feelings rush through my body as much as I hate seeing you laugh at someone else’s joke. I hate the feeling of you ignoring me. And because I know what kinda person you are I know that you don’t mean to do so, which is worse. If you were to ignore me on purpose at least I’d know to step back. But with you it comes in waves. Uncertainty and hope, trust issues and warmth, jealousy and appreciation, hatred and love. All those things I feel all at once when your eyes lock with mine. Every night I pray to God to make you see that I’m the one you’re searching for. I’m the one who’s never going to hurt you. I could never hurt your sweet innocent soul. I’m the one who’s always gonna make sure you’re alright. I’m never going to use your kindness and I’d make sure no one ever does. Something about you just makes me sure that you’re the one. Something about you makes me feel safe whenever I’m with you. Something about you makes me see myself living a happy life with you. Something about you makes me want to spend the rest of my life with you. And every night I pray to God I get to do that at some point in my life. There is so much more that I want to say so much more of what I feel for you so much more than you could ever imagine. And the funny thing is I still don’t quite know how this all came to happen. It just hit me out of nowhere. But I think I always used to like you more that everybody else. It’s always been you.

i still wish it‘s you

I hope it‘s you

still alive but barely breathing

is it just me or are we all going slightly insane ?