I wrote this for me

Do you ever just listen to an old favorite song really loud in your headphones while staring at a skyline and fall in love with the world and your life and the person you’ve become even if things aren’t actually going well for you at that particular moment? Because it’s surreal and it’s empowering and I think it’s bliss.

Here’s the thing, I don’t like how it ended. I’ve been telling myself I was okay with it for years, but I hated it. I’ve always hated it, I still hate it, and I don’t think there’s ever going to be a time where I’m okay with it. But that doesn’t mean I wish it didn’t happen. Because it needed to and I know you see that now also. As much as I want to rewrite the ending, it would affect where we are right now. And where I am right now is exactly where I was always supposed to be.

If you’re not happy, make a change. And if that change doesn’t make you happy, make another change. And if you’re lucky enough to have a dream, especially one that’s attainable in this life, you owe it to yourself to try while you still can. And if you’re like me and you have no f-ing idea what you want to do or who you want to be or even what you’re doing right now, explore until you do.

There are people who will hurt you and there are people who will help you; people who will make you very happy and people who will make you cry; people who will change you for the better and people who will wreck your life. The problem is they all look the same at first.

There have been people I’ve been so in love with who I just needed some space from at times and vice versa. The time apart was good for us and made us love each other more in a way, and that’s still real love, it is. But then there are people I’ve met who I’ve wanted to cook dinner with every night for the rest of my life and it’s ok to want to be with that kind of person instead.

Everything changes. And when you’re happy that’s a horrifying thought, but when you’re not, it’s everything.

There’s a guy out there right now that you’re going to marry. You haven’t met him yet but he’s alive right now and out there living his life. Maybe he’s in line at a Starbucks on the way to work. Or waiting to cross a street exactly like the one you’re crossing right now, but in Chicago. Or maybe he’s at a wedding with the girl he thinks he’s going to marry, who you’re one day going to know everything about. But it doesn’t matter, it just matters that he’s out there right now, doing things. Things that one day, maybe you’ll be doing with him, or maybe he’ll never do again once he meets you. That’s not the point- the point is he’s real and he’s doing something right now. And one day, you’re going to be doing the same thing at the same time and your lives are never going to be the same after that. You just have to wait.

You know what sucks? We rent apartments that are close to our office even though we don’t know how long we’ll have that job. We live in cities we can’t stand with winters that make us miserable and food that’s too expensive, when we know we’ll be happier in a small town where the sun never sets before 8pm. We go to happy hours and birthday parties for people we don’t like just so they don’t stop liking us, even though the only three people we care about are enough. We get a little too drunk on first dates with people we’re not sure about so that we’ll be funnier and less nervous and so they’ll text us the next day, even though we’re not sure we’ll answer. We live our lives like we think we should instead of how we want to, because that’s what people tell us will make us happy. So maybe we should stop listening to other people.

If I hadn’t broken up with my ex I wouldn’t have met my neighbor Chris. I wouldn’t have met my friend Dan. And they changed my life. They are to this day two of my best friends and favorite people and I can’t imagine my life without them. So I know it feels like the end of the world right now, but that’s because the next best thing hasn’t happened yet. And guess what, the next best thing might not work out either. Like me and Chris. But that doesn’t mean it isn’t going to make your life better or completely change you. So many things are going to happen to you in the next three years, in the next six months, in the next two weeks. You just have to focus on that. You’re allowed to be sad but you have to, have to, HAVE to realize that this isn’t the end. Nobody who’s met their husband knew as they were walking into the bar that it was the night they were going to meet their husband. No one knows that. No one knows when their life is going to change and it could be any day. That day is still out there for you and it can be tomorrow or in two years but it’s out there and it WILL happen and that’s so fucking exciting.

I’m sorry that you can’t go uptown without seeing my face on the E train but you know what reminds me of you? Lime La Croix and that fucking bar. I hope you think every white BMW you see is mine because I hear you in every Jack Johnson song I listen to. And I hope the next girl you date drinks gin and tonics and takes all your blankets and shuts off the WiFi while you’re playing videogames. And I hope you don’t miss me all the time, but at random times, like when you’re explaining to her how college football works. Because I don’t think about you constantly, but I think about you every time I do certain things, and I don’t think that’s temporary. But it’s not going to destroy me because even though the ending wasn’t happy, the memories were, and that somehow makes it okay.

The world without you is a scary thought. A darker, stranger place where funny things aren’t funny if I can’t see you laugh at them and there’s no point in pictures if I can’t show them to you and good news that I can’t tell you about isn’t good news at all. And I know it’s not up to me but I pray to God I never have to be a part of that world.

The thing about us is I loved you and we acted like we were already married, but as bad as it sounds I realized you were a filler. You were someone I was doing all these things with that I wanted to be doing for the rest of my life with someone else, but was doing with you instead. And I don’t know if it took leaving to figure that out or if deep down I knew all along, but it was never you. It was the right play with the wrong actors. But we still had some good scenes.

If there’s one thing I’ve learned in this life of dive bars and bottle service and shitty weekend trips and fancy hotels, it’s happiness is completely and totally all about the people you’re with.

Of course we change all the time and it’s inevitable and sometimes for the better. But sometimes we also change in bad ways. And it’s ok to admit that a family member betrayed you or a breakup destroyed you or you suffered an inconceivable loss and because of that your trust was destroyed and you wish you could go back to when you were innocent and had faith in people and love and were confident in your relationships and didn’t self sabotage or have commitment issues. And there’s no happy ending or life lesson to this post, just that it’s ok to change and not like the person you are now as much as a previous version of yourself. And next time you tell someone they’ve changed and you mean it as an insult you should be sensitive to the fact that maybe they don’t like who they’ve become either and it’s not their fault.

You’re not obligated to give someone what you think they want if they don’t have the courage to make it clear to you.