Life’s No Dress Rehearsal

I feel a lot of mourning and frustration for the kid I was who was heavily discouraged from artistic pursuits. I loved dance, theater, singing, drawing, etc. but reminders from parents that it wasn’t a feasible career option and than later discouragement came in the form of peers who were more skilled than me and teachers who told me it wasn’t for me because I wasn’t already a polished product. I backed away from it all and never knew what I was going to do with my life and so I let my parents own decisions guide me because at least their plan would get me a job with money to get away from them. Except it didn’t. Except I hit a point of so much stress and anxiety I never reached their career goal for me and instead just a ton of debt and masters degree in school psychology without a license to practice. And I don’t wanna practice it. I never wanted to. I don’t want to handle crises. I have one of my own once a week. I started working as a paraprofessional and a new plan took shape in my dad’s mind, one that involved me becoming a teacher and I didn’t know what to do so I said sure, whatever can get me to the money so I can get out of here. But I’ve also been taking improv classes in my free time. I’ve been going to events that I’ve decided I want to audition for in the future. So I also started taking singing lessons. I’m feeling more joy than I’ve ever felt before in my life and it has nothing to do with a career. I don’t expect to make a career out of any form of art I explore, but all I do want from a job is to be able to support myself and my endeavors into art that actually brings me joy and fulfillment. I don’t need to become a teacher for that. I shouldn’t have to go through more education for a job that brings me that. I have a bachelors and a masters degree. Surely there’s SOMETHING. Because I sure as hell can’t continue my own arts education and hope to participate in it further, even if it’s just getting to audition for community shows I’ll never get paid for, I sure as hell can’t do it on the kind of job that won’t even let me take off more than two days in a year. There HAS to be something I can do for work that isn’t in education. There has to be. I’m overwhelmed. I don’t know how to tell my dad what I want to do. My therapist says find a job first and then tell him once it’s set but I don’t even know where to look. I just wish I had more help or advice or insight from anyone.

was at the ren faire this weekend and I wanted to buy a belt so the lady showed me how to put it on and when I said I’d get it she needed to cut and finish the end of it so she promptly led me through the store to her work area by pulling the end of it with it still wrapped around me and idk man but that did something to me