emerging from a pearl

https://archiveofourown.org/works/82318446

Walking on the road in outer Amsterdam today when i was finally alone l nearly barfed. I mean its just so ugly and inevitably the ugliness spurred me to S, as if bringing him back to (my spiritual) life would somehow make it all endurable and pure and good. The bad video game, needs a good costar or something, but more accurately I think it felt like an off-kilter, katabatic version of Boston come back to rend me infertile. One cold wind and I'm happy to stop all my drives. I found myself making deep internal cuts: is it really forever? can it really be? i thought we would write 6 books together? and etc. i mean I guess i mustve felt that way about A at some point. At some point, . But this is that times a thousand. It feels like the only imperfection is his desire. Or his inability to handle it. It's like a tiny man on a very large horse. I'm quite OK with my own large horse... although sometimes it kicks me or others. He seems scared of his horse, he could never sleep in the same room with it. Just like he couldn't with me. And yet, alone viscerally alone for the first time in weeks, I thought of his speech patterns and churned, churned. I mean... should we do the card thing? I don't want to irk him,god. I don't want to give him any sign that what I felt was fake or that I used him. I don't want to risk proving him right but for a few thousand dollars maybe it's worth it. I guess. Brb one shotting myself. I mean like that was Love right? It was that. I can feel it blubbing, bubbling up again through the seams. For fuck's sake. Could "psychoanalysis" tell me why? Show me one good poem, one good joke and I'm at the altar of a religion caked up swiftly by one man, one woman. It doesn't seem to matter that it's not what it's caked up to be. It's the trying, it's the redirection, it's the grifting, it's the charismatic, fluffy abuse of a language, the making of language from bird into fish. Submerged. It's the submersion, I know it is. The love of terror that is dreamt... but is it lived? Is it lived?

Brown eyes brown hair and this