emerging from a pearl

The way that men will pay hundreds for me to speak to them but girls don’t even flirt with me baffles me to no end

Can they make a car that is automatic in every way possible but looks like something from 50 years ago please and is a pastel colour so I’ll be motivated to get my license

I want to meet someone else who is good at sacrificing everything. I want to do it with them. I want to be part of a pink machine. I want to say, "_, this is the courage." too. Not that I'm already saying it. I am.. it's just who do I say it to who can say it back? Pussy shit. Everything just feels like pussy shit. So much loose warm galactic air that I'm pummeling into the pillow when I can't sleep. We were meant to DESTROY EVERYTHING together. I guess you had other sides of yourself that I don't have. Or that you didn't think I had properly. No idea why I'm thinking about this now. And you're clearly so resolute in not thinking about it at all. Whatever the You of I was (the you that just made me cry reading your writing back out loud choking) it clearly was that unimportant to you. It was just a riff, a dessert. You were main course for my brain. I wish I could forgive myself for letting you into that. For letting myself sup. Pussy shit

HENRY (High Earner Not Rich Yet) says D’s yolked British aristocrat-boheme friend at the Soho omakase joint as I sip on a 8 pound sobacha… I say hmmm yeah most of my clients are like that, two or three years into a finance fund AI gig cramped apartment old Kant from undergrad lying between three monitors the humanities OF girl reminds them of with her MPDG writing style. My heels are off, hooked on the foot-level rung of my bar chair. I’m about to be served chu toro and O toro that in my opinion is swimming in wasabi and shiso under the fish but I’m sure is more culturally accurate than I know anything about. My hair is in a real updo. I have ‘clients’ now. I had time to read one page of Lem before said friend came in. The waitress won’t stop smiling at me from behind the counter. She put the odd purple flowers I brought for D in an enormous vase.

Never enough time with ANYONE kms

I want to fuck random girls but like then it's like. I'm some sort of cult leader and you're like Rachel who likes maybe dark academia poetry or like 2hollis. I feel despotic I feel like OP'd just in the worldbuilding sense (in everything else I'm amoebic) so like I just want to fuck another cult leader you know. That's actually my 2027 dream to just have an evilxevil femmexfemme 20kx20k uncivil sapphic partnership

Things that are annoying me: talking about people when they're not there, comparing people to each other, just this insular and incestuous feeling that seems to both be like social glue and also the thing that draws me away from the grace of knowledge and the purity of play. I think intimacy is just so overwhelming right now because i do NOT feel relatable. I do NOT feel creatively connected. And I'm sick of people living based on hope, on moodboarding, on prayer like I'm just doing it man. I'm just showing up to a place, making assertions, and moving onto the next thing. I think especiallly after S my threshold is just so high for being assed. But at the same time I find myself longing for this imaginary Other bffpartner who would read the same things, watch the same things, want to learn what I want to learn (how to navigate the art world? how to navigate the conference world? theory? russian, french?) and we would do it together and watch art movies every night and write a book. I think usually that just means I feel weak. The pull for a perfect handcuffy monogamy usually means I feel tired, a bit afraid, disconnected. Usually I flow through all these different environments in a partial state with watery calmness. I guess I feel like also there's another friend group waiting for me in the wings of life that might change my life I can feel it. Older people, probs, people who take time to swallow. I feel older than EVERYONE I've done so much for a 23 year old. I just hope I have time to savour the trees soon.... so many growing pains, god....

Lowkey waiting for my ops to start acting right so we can start having sex

Will she die or will she move to New Jersey or will somehow things be ok

I just wish I had just one, one person in my life who understood what the the fuck I was doing with myself

My life is like a puzzle that I keep trying to put together but it just keeps breaking into more and more pieces that get lost or covered in mysterious juice