Prioress Honoria, St. Jones Mission

Got another dDP, hit the park, feeling good.

So many birds singing

Perfection.

Had a hell of a week, haven't talked about it cos been moving in a bubble of chaos and pain since Wed eve.

Not for me--I am just worn out.

TRIGGER WARNINGS--domestic violence, rape--please engage with your own self-care in mind

Recent friend whose pseud i haven't picked yet was raped by her boyfriend last Sat night. Called me Wed eve, asked if I could come sit with her (she is also blind and has other health issues; she came to the city to escape her abusive ex-boyfriend, who among other things took her guide dog away).

Four hours in a Bronx ER, trying to get a rape kit. Not up to giving details, but basically everyone tried to discourage her from getting it done, in between asking her many times why she didn't report it sooner.

Finally admitted they didnt have anybody trained to take the kit and we promptly fucked off to another ER in Harlem

Slightly better there, got the kit dome by a nurse with the training who was also compassionate and understanding. Still took hours and hours (neither ER was busy btw; nobody in waiting rooms at either).

During the long wait, her abdominal pain kept rising (he injured and possibly infected her) while i tried to get her painkillers, help, and fucking attention from any personnel at all. Went from a 6 to a 9 on the pain scale (she has huge pain tolerance too) and she was curled into a ball unable to function. Eventually got her a doctor, a bed, an IV with pain meds, hydration, antibiotics, anti-nausea (she started vomiting bile) and they turfed us at 5am. 2 ERs, 10 hrs.

Took her to my place (he knows where she lives but not where i do), put her on the foldout, we got a few hours sleep.

I told her she could stay through Shabbos, till Sun am.

Very glad i set a limit. I am sorry if that sounds unkind, but I was in crisis mode myself:

1)getting my taxes done so the return can be submitted to Medicaid by June 20 to keep my insurance coverage, which i had planned to finish up and get to the cpa early Thu to get it done in time. Finally finished Fri aft.

2) Getting everything together to handle issues with my med bills from the 3 months I was without insurance, which my marketplace broker (friend of a friend, great guy) says we will probably get retroactively covered if we submit to medicaid. Talked to hosp finance dept., they sent him all their bills, i also sent him the huge 19K+ pharmacy bill (Verzenio very $$) that has just gone into collections; still need to organize another hospital's bills (just 1 or 2) and I think i need to call the collections agency, the fomr ins co, and the individual pharmacies to get those bills to resubmit. I have anxiety verging on phobia about phone calls, dealing w/finances, health insurance, and taxes, hence everything being behind and a mess. Yes, I know it's my own fault.

3) had picked up 2 do-able freelance jobs due 26th & 30th respectively.

I was actually doing well, really productive, had figured out a simple, systematic method for the taxes and gotten a handle on my fear with help of a lot of support from HarleyQ and Wendigo, and was doing great, lotta progress, had decided to stop for the night and felt good and accomplished and centered. Decided to check back with friend who had called a couple times (I had texted her that I was unavailable & in crisis/deadline mode and would try to get back to her later that day if I could).

Okay, I want to get back to my morning peace so just gonna quickly sum up.

She is traumatized, of course, and more beaten down than I had realized from the mental/physical abuse (that she had not realized was abuse, as for so many people in domestic violence situation). She was trying to deal and process all this trauma. Her way of dealing is to talk through it and ask me what i thought and that is normal. She talked nonstop to me the same things over and over from when I met up with her Wed through now (well,.last night, since I slipped out before she woke, left her a note).

I told her that she could stay safe at my place, and through all of this she has been calling many different domestic violence, sexual assault, and crisis numbers/agencies and working on getting some temporary shelter until she can get a diff apt (she got hers w/voucher via a domestic abuse agency she had been working with since she fled to nyc).

I told her that I understood talking it through was her way of processing this trauma, told her that she was doing very well and her feelings, no matter what, were valid and that she was safe here, but that i wasn't able to engage with her about it any more because it was bringing up bad stuff from my own experience and that I also would need to work nonstop and not interact with her while I worked on the taxes and the bills and the insurance, etc., so I would not lose my fucking healthcoverage and thousands of dollars and risk my career with my 2 main clients.

She would not stop talking to me and interrupting me and asking me and constantly apologizing all her waking hours. No matter what I said. I never lost my temper and was as gentle as possible. I know she is going through awful multiple trauma

I actually finally finished the taxes part and sent it in by mid Friday, sent stuff to Medicaid friend (who, new problem, has not responded at all over a week of emails and texts. I will see how to get a new broker from the state agency if no word by Monday. So I have a backup plan. Still gotta make those other calls, but Monday, Monday). And talk and talk and talk

But i stopped by 3ish, made the lovrly shabbos dinner I had planned and shopped for during all this, got ready to do the zoom Juneteenth shabbos with my shul--our chazzan had asked me to read Amanda Gorman poem and I was so excited. Just as I got on zoom, friend's pain spiked so bad I took her to another ER. 7pm till 1am. Better ER than the others.

Yesterday got some necessities from her place, took all day, was on headphones during subway both ways blasting ACDC on earbuds I tolk her I needed break from outside stimulus.

I told her i would not be available at all for a few days wile I handled all this, and I was probably going to New Jersey in a few days (may not be able to if i dont get enough done but still planning and hoping).

Any way, home, she is spiraling big time into awful (understandable) despair and crying and she is just in hell and I cannot fix that and I am helping the way that i can and I am good with that boundary.

And now I'm on a stoop and I'm going to stop this post and have abt another alone outside morning hour before I head back in and help her pack and be gone by 11am because I have to leave then and I will go uptown and see HarleyQ and friends and get back to my life.

I have been too much in the thick of all this to reach out and talk about it; the only breaks were sleep and slipping out every morning where I did silence and not-thinking about it.