Sometimes I see pictures of bruises and wonder if I'm a masochist
I've thought about writing this for a long time. There's often this gut reaction I have when seeing something, to think not of what something is for the people involved, but what it would be for me. It's a normal way to think, to immediately try to put youself in someone else's shoes- but someone else's shoes not fitting me doesn't mean they don't fit them.
What it would take for my body to get to the point of bruising that I see quite often online is simply so so far beyond what I can handle. Yes, I turn lovely shades of red in the moment. Yes, I've had a bruise from play a few times. But people bruise differently, and it takes a lot for me to buise. And people have different tolerances and limits for different types of pain, and I have trauma around the kinds of impact that cause the most bruising.
I remind myself that it's the internet. Bruises that are larger, darker, more varied in color, those make for more interesting photos. More interesting photos are the ones that get posted, that get liked, that get shared, that get commented on. There are of course the extremes, the edge cases, the heavy pain bottoms who love thuddy pain and pushing their limits, who from time to time go for the sort of bruising that covers huge swaths of their body and makes most bottoms think either "I could never" or "I hope I can do that some day" Those bottoms have my utmost respect (as do all bottoms) I'm glad they can be out there, doing there thing, and inspiring the people who do find it inspiring!
For me though, with how hard I am to bruise, it makes me think they must be bedbound for days, or ought to be in medical care. I see them and feel fear for them, and then I feel inadequate myself.
It's oddly like seeing instagram models, and wondering if you're attractive at all, when they're models, and photographed by professionals, with makeup by artists, and photoshopped beyond belief.
So, sometimes I see pictures of bruises and wonder if I'm a masochist.
I remind myself that masochism isn't measured by pain tolerance. I remind myself that there are different kinds of pain, and it may be I can take far more in some ways than the people I see with bruises. I remind myself that kink isn't a competition. I remind myself that the photos I see are just that, photos.
Still, I question it. I doubt I'm alone in that. There may be bottoms who love heavy bruising who have read through this, who feel the same way about some other pain, like scratching or cutting or needles or tight constrictive rope.
To whoever needs to hear it: if you enjoy pain in any capacity you are a real masochist, your limits and your pain tolerance don't change that. And you're not alone in your self-doubt ❤️
