HMS THEE SHOWTIME 🛳⚓️✨

stalking count: 2

day rating: 7/10

okay i lied about a lot of things

i gave up on journaling as you can see, but my therapist told me i should get back into it. and i trust her with everything even though i've only talked with her twice (famous last words). i've actually started keeping a physical journal of "things that have kept me from killing myself" (loosely named), and it's been really helping me during this really weird time. but she also thinks that journaling every day works, yet i just don't really like handwriting this much + i don't like getting ink on my hands. so to quote tori vega, "here i am, once again."

since my last post, i've made my new york debut, fully lost my virginity, started seeing someone on a weekly basis, turned 21, graduated from college, got dumped, got my first full-time job, and offered my first professional theatre credit all in that order. it's been a wild 5-- almost 6 -- months. actually, all of those happened from march to now. so really, a wild 3 months. many firsts. many emotions. not all of them good.

i'm really just reeling from that dumped thing. i sound like a broken record, but this was the first time someone wanted to see me more than once; i saw this person 5 times in april & may. they drank my soju. they took my edibles. they held my hand. they kissed me. they fucked me. they slept with me. not many people have done that, but just like the others, they left.

the worst part is that i still miss them. there's not many things i wouldn't do to just explain this all to them. i wish they'd come back.

but i'm trying not to think about them. my therapist wants me to keep a count of how many times i've stalked them during the day and wants me to lower it to three. i'm trying. i think i'm at two today, which is lower than most days.

so i'll talk about other things. today, i ate good sinigang courtesy of my grandma, and binged fantasy high on dropout. thanks amy for introducing it to me. kim reached out to me after a month, which is great. trent found out about my professional debut. i did some laundry. today was good.

i’m obviously really bad at doing this. it’s fine. i’m gonna try harder.

i got hot pot today. it’s nice to be treated by my parents. it’s also just nice to be around my family, i’m realizing. makes me want to go back to boston less.

today was a good day. i tried apple music then immediately felt guilty for switching from spotify and uncanceled my subscription. and for some reason i still feel guilty.

but i also saw miles and amy today. i love them so much that i decided that today can’t be the last time i see them before i go to boston, so we’re going to hang out tomorrow (today? since it’s 12:39 am?) one more time. i feel like i’m gonna keep saying this over and over until i leave, but i swear this’ll be the last time. (now i feel like i’m describing them like their friendship is some drug. actually it makes sense)

i don’t really miss boston. i’m actually having fun relaxing and not having any responsibilities. i feel like that zen will get ruined the minute i step into logan. sometimes i regret moving there, but i also do love living life independently. i just hate the bills that come along with it lol

at least miles is visiting me next month. i’m so excited for that— i don’t actually hate boston, i just hate the way it makes me feel without my best friends. but i get to show him around town and stuff. maybe that’ll make me feel better about it.

amanda’s visiting me in april, and she’ll actually get to meet some of my closest friends. i’m trying to be better about mixing my friend groups together. i think i’m still a bit scared post-mays, but not everyone’s as stand-offish/unlikable as her. amanda sure isn’t, so i’m not afraid for her. i’m not really worried about my other friends either. maybe i’m the problem, actually.

i am definitely the problem for letting maya still dictate my life three years later. even though she ruined the friendship to begin with, i’m still making it a problem. and it shouldn’t be— i should trust that i have great taste in people and that all my friends will get along because of it. and if they don’t, that’s fine, personalities just clash. i just can’t have another 2020 halloween situation where i’m forced to apologize for other people. but amanda’s not like that. miles isn’t like that. none of my current friends are like that. it’s not a problem.

i forgot i could blog on my phone and to also blog yesterday. but i won’t beat myself up because i am a human being and humans make mistakes, even if it’s two days into a resolution

i’m kinda having fun relaxing and doing nothing, but i know it’ll be all over once i head back to boston for my final semester with a broken fucking roof *sighs*

but at least i’ll still have two weeks to myself then. might as well make the most of it

shit shit shit oh fuck i forgot about my resolution to write a blog post once a day to vent out my feelings. it's only the first day of 2024 and i've already almost forgotten about one of my goals lolz #justhmstingz

i really do want to keep a blog or something to write in for the year. just because i need an outlet but also my hand cramps up so easily. and i can't stand ink getting on my hands

i also just want some consistency, to do one thing FOR MYSELF every day. i'm really good at keeping up with other people (whether that be texting my friends or making sure my love interests still like me or stalking my enemies to see if they're having the life they deserve) but i find that i'm really bad at keeping up with myself, and making sure i'm in tune.

so i wanna write more. hopefully i don't say anything that gets me canceled