There Is No Plan B

my traumatized ass: do I have a crush or am I just idolizing this person for being vaguely nice to me

talking to my infant son like im a youtuber

Whats up baby. Father here bringing you another spoonful of Gerber ham and gravy baby food

kiss ur own forehead. haunt ur own house

My room gets trashed super easily bc I live my whole life in here

babe get ready for a night on the town, i just found an old Subway gift card and there’s still $9.45 left on it

got crunchy joints. crispy bones. popcorn ankles. pop pop pop pop thats me gettin out of bed

COME THROUGH MS TWENTYBITEEN

tfw your mom tells about how her mom fucked her up and you’re like lol same

me being ignored (now that i am mature): this is fine i suppose

this is a lie im on the verge of tears

as a kid I never appreciated the comedic genius of my elementary school principal, who, whenever our school won against another school in a sport, would play what felt like 2 minutes of “we are the champions” over the PA during announcements, and just as it’s going “cuz we are the champions…of” he’d hit stop and his deadpan voice over the PA system would go “Brampton.”

Today’s Friday, though.

name us and the contract will be sealed