xoxo… gossip girl

the way it hurt to lose you is the way i self destruct. my stomach is empty and tearing at my insides begging for a parcel of you but you have been gone for some time now so i starve myself because all i can stomach is the thought of you. the thought of your lips on my cheek and your hands on my hips and your love on my heart. that is gone now. so i laugh and i sing and i cry and i cry and i cry.

i miss you, oh god how i miss you. sleepless nights with you felt like the most peaceful slumber because when i had you i needed nothing else. you were my life you were my energy you were my muse and now i find it hard to express myself at all. the way it made me feel when we agreed it was over is nothing i had ever felt before. i could feel the cells in my body exploding one by one. i could feel the blood in my veins slowing to a stop. i could feel the ocean of tears coming to wipe out nations of strong emotion from my weary eyes. it came. and it went. and here i am. and there you are.

and i wonder.

do you think about me sometimes?

do you miss me too?

do you regret the fights, and the fire, and the anger?

do you regret me?

…

i have been dreaming of you coming home to me.

but there is no home.

i was so happy back then but now when i listen to our favorite bands we would listen to on road trips i just feel emptiness

i feel the remnants of those feelings, i remember those times like scenes in a movie

life is much different now. dull. bleak. lost of all hope of the future we had planned for ourselves.

i don’t have fun anymore.

i don’t smile the same way as i did.

i feel like a shell of the girl i used to be.

it’s been there for years

you never had it easy growing up

divorce

fighting

screaming

threats

it’s all you’ve ever known

how do you talk about something so surreal

who would really understand the true pain when the people who are supposed to love you do nothing for you

they treat you like dirt

their words slice through you like an ax through wood

chop chop chop

it’ll never stop

you want to believe

you want to believe that everything is different this time

that everything will be good and new and fresh

but it’s not

it’s never gonna be good and new and fresh

you’re never gonna get the love that you deserve or at least think you deserve

so when you’re dropped off at home you cry

you cry for hours and hours until you finally fall asleep.

there’s a brief moment in time when you first wake up that you feel okay until it all sets back in

the reality of your situation arises once more

it doesn't ever get quite better, just easier to hide

my pen shakes on the page like my hand does

and i feel nausea

the words come out like i never intended

i cry out as the sound leaves my lungs

i can't breathe through the dry heaves, i spit it all out

my body is tainted from years of pain

your energy shines brighter than the morning sun on the falls changing leaves

i think about you every second of every hour of every day

i think about your heart melting kiss and your cotton candy lips

soft and sweet

they describe a life.

a familiar body.

each light has a story.

i've entered a life/death daydream.

muscles deteriorate and bones become fragile.

hair falls in chunks onto the floor around my feet.

i am cold.

my body shivers with each realization.

it's all over.

my face sinks.

i reach up to feel my shoulders.

there's nothing there.

a broken smile fades as my stomach collapses in on itself.

you're close now.

numbers.

numbers flood my brain.

my teeth crack and shift inside my mouth.

the lights are screaming now.

string along.

numbers.

broken words bruise my throat.

i wish i could cry but my tears are worthless.

pressure.

i feel like a snake needing to shed.

my skin is tight.

squeezing me.

i pry open my ribs with my weak knuckles. i can't breathe.

there is no air.

i've done it now.

maybe it sounds sad

or maybe it just sounds gross i dont know

but i leave my hair on the shower wall.

i lose so much of it and if i'm being honest i'm afraid that my hair will get so thin that eventually it all falls out.

it never used to be like this.

i always wanted it to be like this.

i had some sick idea in my mind that if i started losing my hair i would finally be sick enough.

sick enough to notice. sick enough to worry about. sick enough that people finally believe me.

and here i am

losing my hair

and the only person that notices is the person that yells to clean my hair out of the shower.

but i cant.

i have this idea in my mind that if i keep my hair maybe it's not actually real.

maybe i'm not actually losing it in chunks every time i run my fingers through it.

maybe i'm not really sick and maybe it's all just a bad dream.

maybe once i open my eyes i'll sit up in bed and run my hands through my hair and let out a sigh of relief.

because it was a dream.

and i'll go into the bathroom and there won't be any hair on the shower wall.

and i'll be okay.

but until then

i used to hear them say my name and i believed i was more than i am.

we're alone and i ask you if you can understand the silence. i begged you would help me decode the mumbled words and phrases but you said nothing.

do you hear it too?

she's calling for me. asking me to go upstairs but i'm suddenly apprehensive.

trust.

i've fallen into a pit of hands grabbing and groping; pointing the way with bony ripped fingers.

go go go.

i walk.

go go go.

do you hear her too?

listen in closely.

static.

slurred words drip out of my barely broken lips into the wet dirt beneath my feet.

blood.

she needs me.

i want to search for you but it's become too dark to see.

mumbled screaming deafens me as i listen in.

i need this.

i need this more than i may even comprehend.

i'm alone.

come upstairs. come upstairs.

why won't you come upstairs?

i need you.

you don't hear me you dont hear me you're not LISTENING.

where am i going?

a broken elevator shaft burns a disgusting memory into my mind.

not my memory. yours. hers.

i need this. i need her.

gone.

she's gone.

you don't understand.

you don't understand the static.

do you hear the show?

she beckons my name louder and louder until i can't hear anything anymore.

listen to me.

listen to the deafening silence around us.

don't say a word.

radio static.

and tell me to surrender to the high

that's holding a knife to my throat.

i need to breathe something other than smoke

it fills my lungs and wraps a rope around my bleeding neck.

silence is all i hear as i double over onto the pavement.

pleading - begging for things to be okay.

mom, i think i've taken too much

my skin is burning and i am afraid.

the people down the street have faded away into black nothing.

i'm not welcome here anymore.

how is it that i'm holding hands with death at such a young age?

please someone tell me i'm okay

even if it's a lie i need some hope before the end.

i've been keeping close with strangers that run their hands up my thighs

but it's fine because it leads me to a false sense of life being simple

and as i close my eyes i realize that kaleidoscopes make me feel at home

because days jumble together in colors and phrases the same way

as i turn off the lights i say goodbye to my former life and slip away into the background again before i tell you goodnight.

this is the end as i know it and i'm holding on tight.

getting ready for the ride.

now i see the morning light like it hurts me

as if the sun is a storm and i am a loosely rooted palm tree.

we do this every day as i tip toe with soft steps and hold my breath like there's a ball in my mouth.

set alarms and slip outside.

i break a spiders web and it teeters off the bridge of my glasses and in the darkness i cry as though i've destroyed a life the same way i did my own.

the road again.

underneath me it is alive like snakes

it is far too dark so i shout out to the sun as it seems to have forgotten to wake.

i gaze over my lifeless body and pray i open my eyes

but i seem to have taken after the emptiness surrounding me

i breathe my last breath as i watch the sun rise for the last time

and i force a smile.

gasping for air as my eyes begin to close