#10.22.19

Harry filming ‘Later... with Jools Holland’ | October 22, 2019

CND Vinylux Polish in #105 Black Pool ($10.50)

Magpie Glitter in Jennifer (£4)

It’s been a long while since our last beauty product post! These details are courtesy of Harry’s nail artist, Jenny Longworth, on her Instagram:

Nails for Harry Styles performing his new single on Jools Holland. I used CND Vinylux in Black Pool #105 and a dusting of Magpie Beauty glitter in Jennifer to create this look ✨✨✨

2019-20 Goals Game 7/82 (vs Vegas Golden Knights)

Goal 1: Dach (1st NHL career goal)

"Pretty Things"

Honestly at this point I don't wanna be there anymore. My case manager says "really Molly? You can't tell that all the staff is uncomfortable around you? You're really intuitive. I find it really difficult to believe that you have no clue that they're all walking on eggshells around you."

Yeah, I have no clue. And so what is this? Either my case manager is gaslighting me and projecting her own feelings onto the rest of the staff OR the staff are ridiculously good at lying and pretending. And I'm not particularly fond or comfortable with either scenario.

But here I am, not quite ready for discharge. I feel like I need to hold myself together perfectly or risk immediately being discharged, but as it is, holding myself together is stressing me the fuck out. And I'm scared I'll be able to hold myself together right up until the moment when I nolonger have support (if u can call it that).

Luckily what I do have is a fantastic outpatient team. So I'm not alone.

I hate this all though.

It feels like I've time traveled back to when I was seven. The teachers are calling me a perfect student and complementing my progress, and then they're telling me my face will get stuck if I cry, to stop snitching, that it's my fault I'm being bullied cause if I ignored them they'd stop. The situation may be very different. But the mixed messages are analogous: you're making progress and your emotions don't matter if they're effecting me. Cool.

Anyways. My bf is sweet. I have sweet friends. And I didn't fail my test today. Things are NOT all bad. Not at all. But I don't know where I'm even at because I can't figure out how much is authentic emotion and how much is me just pretending to be okay and practicing opposite action. And what then? My emotions still come out sideways, so idek. Feels inevitable that it will unravel soon enough